[Music]
Hello friends welcome to this day in
Jack Benny I'm John Henderson this
episode is from May 23rd
1954 a time when they had dial
telephones you didn't need to talk to
the operator you could dial directly
dial service however doesn't do away
with the need for operators You'll
Always Find op operator ready to help
whenever you need them if you didn't
know the number you could call
information by dialing 113 the directory
assistance operator would help you
television was also advancing crosley's
completely revolutionary new television
set the Super V it's a full 17-in
television set that's easy to handle and
light to carry you can take it anywhere
that you want any room in your house
even out on the lawn or just plug it in
on the porch or the IO like a like a
radio and the price just
$139.95 in this beautiful Walnut finish
boy you can see it better on a Crosley
Super V Dennis day had his own TV show
Hi l hi Dennis how's the show shaping up
for my opening in San Francisco huh just
well except I can't get the trio on the
dance team you wanted there's a sort of
a conflict in dates but I'll straighten
it out oh fine on the same day is this
radio broadcast Bob Hope would be the
guest star on Jack Benny's television
show from television City in Hollywood
The Jack Benny
Program thank
you thank you very much ladies and
gentlemen welcome to the Lucky Strike
program personally I'm very happy to be
over here at CBS ladies and gentlemen
this is rather strange for me I'm on the
major
Network oh oh by the way this is where
Bing did his last show he's undecided
about his next show he doesn't know
whether to go on again or buy the whole
thing I don't know
whether he's loaded you know he uses
Howard Hughes for a bell boy but I want
to tell you they joke about the singer
Bing Crosby being wealthy but it was
nothing compared to Howard Hughes who
inherited a million dollars at the age
of 18 by the time of this episode 30
years later he was the owner of a movie
studio RKO pictures and had controlling
interest in an airline tww his net worth
was in the billions in this episode they
mentioned the Good Humor man the driver
of the Good Humor ice cream truck and
there was a particular fragrance a
perfume by the name of my sin the movie
star Marilyn Monroe had recently married
baseball player Joe dagio
congratulations in which all movie
lovers and Baseball fans join and
finally Frank
Sinatra fairy
tales can come true
it can happen to
you if you're young at
heart for it's hard you will find to be
narrow of
mind if you're young
at if you're a regular listener take a
moment to give this podcast a five-star
rating and review and if you're new to
the podcast subscribe so you don't miss
an episode and enjoy the show The Jack
Benny Program transcribed and presented
by Lucky Strike luy taste better cleaner
Smo taste better cleaner fresher Smo for
luy strike means to Rich tasting toac
taste better cleaner fresher
Smo stri luy stri this is Don Wilson
friends why do you smoke cigarettes
think it over a minute and you'll agree
that you smoke simply to enjoy the taste
of a cigarette sure smoking enjoyment is
all a matter of taste and the fact of
the matter is lies taste better cleaner
fresher smoother lies do taste better
and for two important reasons one Lucky
Strike means fine Tobacco Light
naturally mild good tasting tobacco
second lies are actually made better
made round and firm and fully packed to
draw freely and smoke evenly yes fine
tobacco in a better-made cigarette will
give you better taste every single time
so if you go along that smoking
enjoyment is all a matter of taste then
be happy go lucky because the fact of
the matter is liy taste better get a
carton of Lucky Strike and see for
yourself L taste better cleaner frer Smo
Lu strike luy strike
[Music]
the Lucky Strike program starring Jack
Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester
Dennis day Bob Crosby and yours truly
Don
wome ladies and gentlemen tonight Jack
Benny does another television show with
his guest star Bob Hope but right now
we'd like to take you back to yesterday
to the office of a prominent dentist
sitting in the dentist chair even as you
and I is our little star Jack
Benny for heaven's sakes doctor how much
longer will you have to use that drill
I'm almost done Mr Benny thank
goodness there we are all finished now
let's slip them in your mouth and see
how they
fit okay say isn't there some way you
can make this removable Bridge permanent
oh I'm afraid not why don't you like
removable Bridges oh they're all right
but sometimes I sneeze you see that
comes loose well we'll fix it next time
say I just read in one of the papers
that Bob Hope is going to be your guest
star on your TV show that's right you
know Bob is one of my patients and so is
B Crosby really yes as a matter of fact
I had quite an unusual experience with
being the last time he was here what
happened I was drilling on one of his
MERS and struck oil
now let's see uh about your next
appointment uh how about 2: in the
afternoon June
14th June oh oh I can't come on June
14th why not well doctor have you any
patients out in your waiting room
waiting yes quite a few good open the
door will you to the waiting room well
all
right I can't come here on June 14th
because that's the day I open my
personal appearance tour at the State
Fair Auditorium in Dallas
[Applause]
Texas there's no sense wasting the plug
doctor one of your patients may be in
Dallas at the time you see I'll call you
when I get back okay goodbye Mr
Benny it'll be fun making a personal
appearance in Dallas
see from there see I go up north to
Portland and Vancouver and
Seattle then I'm going back to my
hometown walk
Keegan I'm not making a personal
appearance there but they're having a
testimonial in my
honor they're naming a sewer after
me was supposed to be a Subway but the
plumber hooked it up wrong
oh
[Music]
well GE it's such a nice day I think
I'll walk
home so lovely
out fairy tales do come true it can
happen to you if you're young at
heart you can have a good time if you
stay
39 and you're young at
heart I can go to
extremes with impossible
schemes think of Marilyn
Monroe though it's only in
dream I'd like to hug and kiss her every
single day unless deag is there or on
his way
[Music]
see that's a great record of Frank
Sinatra made of that song see I'll never
forget the first time I heard sopa on a
record he looks so comfortable lying
there between the grooves
do see I've been walking fast I'm almost
to Beverly Hills I'm glad I live here
Beverly Hills must be the classiest
community in the whole world yep there's
the sign you are now entering Beverly
Hills gee these rugs on the sidewalks
are nice
[Music]
I think Howard Hughes lives around
here oh yes there's his house that's his
yard looks
beautiful ah and it smells good
too I wonder why it smells so oh yes now
I remember he Waters his lawn with my
sin gosh Beverly Hills must have the
classiest residential district in the
home there goes the Good Humor
[Music]
man I don't know sometimes I I think
that Beverly is so classy that oh hello
Mr Benny huh oh hello Dennis I was just
over your house but you weren't home I
know I was at my dentist gee what a
coincidence oh were you at the dentist
today no my
optometrist oh dentist are are you
getting eyeg glasses yes sir oh are you
nearsighted
no farsighted
no well then you have a you have a a
stigmatism yes no
[Laughter]
then why in the world are you getting
glasses keep my mother from hitting
me you mean your mother's mad at you
again uh-huh what happened this time
well on one of my television programs
I'm supposed to be a magician so I
decided to practice up some magic tricks
last week what kind of trick were you
practicing you know the famous one where
you make an elephant disappear but
Dennis that trick takes years of
practice you can't make an elephant
disappear I know and boy is our living
room
crowded Dennis you have an elephant in
your living room yeah for 6
days how can an elephant stay in a house
that long he brought his
trunk Dennis come here a minute yes sir
ouch now Dennis don't ever pull such an
old corny gag on me I don't mind now
what's going on here it's nothing
officer nothing just a personal now
don't tell me it's nothing I saw you
slap the lad yeah and for no reason all
I did was tell him that an elephant has
been living at my house for a week oh oh
no wait a minute no how in the world
could an elephant stay in the house for
a week he brought his trunk OU off
you shouldn't have slap me he's the one
that said that oh now come on Dennis
let's
go you're always causing trouble but do
you want to hear the song I'm going to
do on the program Sunday Mr Benny not
here on the street anyway I want to give
you some advice yes sir Dennis since you
apparently have so much time that you
can walk around annoying people on the
street why don't you try to better
yourself well what do you mean well go
to the library get some books read the
newspapers and magazines find out what's
going on in the world I don't have to
waste my time reading magazines and
newspapers well then how do you get
information I dial
113 Dennis same but you said not on the
street I don't care what I said I'd
rather hear you sing than talk now go
ahead
[Applause]
[Music]
this word so sweet that I repeat means I
adore
you
more
more My Love
would you deny this heart that I have
placed before
you I can't find another word with
meaning so clear my lips try to whisper
sweeter things in your ear but somehow
or other nothing sounds quite so dear as
this sof caressing word I
know come
I'm
more my
love when you're away there is no day
and night are
lonely more I'm
more my
love make life Divine say you'll be mine
and love me
only I can't find another word with
meaning so clear my lips try to whisper
sweeter things in your ear but somehow
or other nothing sounds quite so dear as
this soft caressing word I
know my
love when you're away there is not day
and nights are
[Applause]
[Music]
lonely my
love make life Divine say you'll be mine
and love me
only arm
more
armor Hy
[Applause]
[Music]
who's that it's me Rochester oh hello Mr
Benny hello any phone calls for me no
but there was a salesman here from The
Appliance Store and he left the
television set for you to trial on
approval it's in the hall why do you
leave it out in the hall course this is
the new Crosley superv with a built-in
aial it's so light you it can be carried
anywhere in the house hey that's quite a
feature
yeah you can use it at night in your
bedroom and then bring it into the
living room for the crowd when the
Greyhound bus stops
here look Rochester you don't have to
make jokes just because I'll answer the
door you get my lunch ready yes sir
need hello Jack oh hello Bob come on
in Bob why didn't you call and let me
know you wait a minute where'd you get
that wonderful sunburn oh the boys New
York and I chartered a vat and we all
went fishing yesterday really Sammy the
drummer won the jackpot by Landing the
biggest fish so I took a picture of it
here you want to take a look at it a
isn't that cute the fish is holding
Sammy
up looks so cute with this fin around
him yeah you know Bob I guess it's
hopeless but I sure wish the boys in the
band would settle down a little oh they
have Jack why in fact Bagby the piano
player has sworn off drinking he's been
on the wagon since last Saturday morning
Bagby on the wagon what happened well he
was supposed to go over to Dennis day's
house because Dennis wanted to rehearse
his song and he wanted Charlie to
accompany him on the piano mhm when he
got over to Dennis's he rang the bell
and an elephant answered the
door oh yes I know about that an
elephant's been living there for the
past 7 days and wait a minute now Jack
you're kidding now how in the world
could an elephant live in the house for
a
week uh ask me that again Bob well ask
you what how can an elephant live in a
house for a week he brought his trunk I
ran into dentist
too how do I always get trapped into
these things why does it all always have
to happen to me once just once I'd
coming
coming oh my goodness how did this ever
escape from Dennis's oh it's you
done Don come on in Jack what in the
world are you talking about oh nothing
nothing
let's go in the living room Bob Crosby
is there oh good he'll want to watch it
too watch what the Sportsman quartet are
doing a guest shot on television oh hi
Bob hello Don what time does this
program go on oh just a few minutes now
where's your television set Jack right
here it's the new Crosley I'm trying it
out on approval you've had me that way
for the last 20 years well when you
prove that you're good I'll hire you you
know
sometime CU I jack hey Don did you join
the Elks those are mine darn that
[Music]
[Laughter]
D see I better turn on the set and let
it warm up Mr Benny your lunch is ready
hold a minute Rochester I want to watch
something on television oh there's the
picture coming on now hey it's nice and
clear yeah I'll turn up the sound
[Music]
don't want no Ling don't want no kissing
don't want no girl to call me
honey don't want my name in the Hall of
Fame just want a big fat pile of money
give me that Almighty dollar for that
lettu usce hear me holler give me
Buckets full of duckets and let me walk
around and Waller in the Zuma Elder Nero
I want to be a milliona give me money
money money money money I want that long
green ammunition that's the stuff for
which I'm a wishing fill my closets with
deposits I'm a demon at Edition give me
shekel give me pesos let me see their SM
and pesos give me m Mone
Mone I want to get me a suit that's made
out of Loot and whistle the wearing of
the green I've got that monetary idas
like to be just like King Midas I want
that Golden Touch is what I need give me
that old Double Eagle want a tender that
is legal and financially substantially
any Su I can en bigal want to live in
Regal Splender with that love and legal
tender give me Mone Mone Mone
Mone and when the time comes for smoking
you will know that I'm not joking when I
say there's really nothing that can
please me more than puffing about that
cigarette that's super it's a regular
super duper give me luy luy ly l luy
I want a smoke I know is cleaner that is
kind for which I'm Keener make it fresh
and better tasting and there's nothing
that I'll be wasting so I've come to
this conclusion and the brand that I am
using is the lucky lucky luy lucky luy I
want a smoo cigarette the best I can get
tobacco that's always light and fine the
only smoke for which I'm caring I've
been tering and comparon it's LSM I'm
calling mine give me that deep down
smoke and pleasure that's a treasure I
can measure give me better taste than
lies let me smoke them at my leisure cuz
there's really nothing finer than that
smoke from Carolina give me l
l give me
[Applause]
[Music]
Lu now Jackson if you'll break the seal
on that new pack of Lies we'll go on
from here
[Applause]
hey Don Don that was that was wonderful
I'm glad you let me know the boys were
on I thought you'd want to see them
here's your lunch Mr Benny thanks yeah
it looks delicious or rock say you
forgot something get me a napkin I'm
sorry but I just washed them and they're
not dry yet oh well get me a paper
napkin they're not dry yet
either oh oh oh oh say Jack we'll be off
the air in a couple of weeks and I
wonder where are you going on for your
vacation this summer oh I guess after I
finish all my personal appearances I'll
probably go to Las Vegas for a couple of
weeks oh no Jack you wouldn't go back
there after what happened last time look
Don I don't want to hear what happened
last time nothing nothing happened
nothing come on Jack tell me what it's
all about look I'm not so look you can
forget it I'm going to eat my lunch look
Bob while he's eating his lunch I'll
tell you all about it oh was about four
or five years ago and Jack and I drove
up to Las Vegas together it was late in
the afternoon when we drove up to the
Flamingo Hotel I'd already reserved My
Room by phone but you know Jack he
always leaves everything for the last
[Music]
minute she it's a beautiful Lobby isn't
it Don sure is a lot of people here too
yeah you wait here Don I'm going over
and talk to the room
clerk as this hotel really is man I help
you sir yes I'd like to get a room here
well it's quite an honor having you
visit the hotel Mr Benny oh you you know
who I am yes yes I saw you once in the
movies you did yes you were sitting
right next to
[Music]
me oh well thank you now I'd like to get
a room yes sir now let me see um here's
one
250
250 isn't that kind of
expensive well that's not the price
that's a room
number oh oh I see it's on the second
floor yes sir as a beautifully decorated
bedroom magnificently furnished sitting
room luxurious dressing room and a huge
entry hall well that sounds nice what's
the rate on it $16 well that I won't
discuss at
all now look clerk I've had a had a jack
what are you staring at that cash
register I've never seen anything so
beautiful well that's a slot machine a
slot machine well I've heard about them
but this is the first one I've ever seen
how do they work well you put in a
nickel and pull the handle and if two
cherries come up you get five nickels
back what well that's fair and if
three and if three oranges come up you
get 11 nickels say that's fine now if
three Bells come up you get 18 nickels
no kidding and if three bars come up you
get the jackpot well that's
Sensational but supposing I put my
Nickel in and none of those things you
mention come up well in that case you
lose your nickel well that's ridiculous
thing like that'll never catch
on believe me come on Jack let's go just
a minute now now look clerk I'm willing
to stay here if you'll lower the rat let
let me speak to the manager very well
he's right here Mr Benny this is Mr
Schiller the manager of the flamingo oh
I'm uh I'm pleased to meet you Mr
Schiller how do you do look Mr Schiller
I want to get a room and get some rest
here I just drove all the way from
Beverly Hills to Las Vegas well Mr Benny
if you'll give me the keys to your car
I'll have the bell boy parket it's that
Maxwell right out in front oh was that
your car yes well then we owe you an
apology we're using it the mow the
lawn we leave the grass in it it'll make
the seat softer you now look Mr Schiller
I'm very anxious to stay at the Flamingo
but it seems that your Clerk and I can't
get together he's so stubborn don't you
have any less expensive rooms yes we
have some for $5 and some for seven $5
and 7 $ gee I don't I'm sorry Mr Benny
but there's nothing I can do for you you
see I have no authority to change the
rat well there must be somebody I can
talk to is well here's the general
manager oh Mr Chappelle uh yes do you
mind talking to this gentleman why not
at all how do you do uh how do you do
I'm Jack Benny star of stage screen and
radio oh Jack Benny certainly I saw your
last picture really did you like it no
[Laughter]
have you ever heard me on radio
yes oh do you like me
no have you ever seen me on television
no good
good now look Mr Chappelle the reason I
wanted to see you is because Mr Schiller
is trying to tell me that the lowest
rate you have here is $5 a day Mr Benny
$5 a day for a room is very reasonable
$5 a day but I intend to stay for about
7 days well I'm sure you'd enjoy staying
at the Flamingo it cost $6 million to
build it what are they trying to do get
it all back from
me come on Jack I'm leaving everybody in
the place is looking at Don this won't
take long look Mr Benny I'm a very busy
man I've got a lot of things to do I'll
give you a room for $4 you're fided I
mean I'll take
it well here's your key Mr Benny thank
you come on Jack let's go just a minute
Don I have a nickel here I'm going to
put it in the slot machine I hope I
win d d look look Jack you hit the Super
Jackpot yeah gee Don look at all those
nickel just a minute I'll put them in my
[Music]
pocket now come on come on Don let's go
Jackie forgot to tip the bell boy who
brought your bags in you take care of it
Don I haven't got any
chain come on let's go
[Applause]
[Music]
ladies and gentlemen I will be back in a
minute to tell you about my television
show which goes on tonight at 700 p.m.
over the CBS network with my guest star
Bob ho but first a word from the
sweetheart of Lucky strip hi friends
this is Dorothy Collins you know I'll
bet that if someone asked you why you
smoked what it was exactly you liked
about a cigarette I'll bet the important
word in your answer would be taste
because gee isn't good taste what
everybody wants in a cigarette smoking
enjoyment is all a matter of taste and
the fact of the matter is liy is that's
true in the first place LS mft Lucky
Strike means fine tobacco naturally mild
good tasting tobacco and second lucky
they're made better to taste better made
round and firm and fully packed to draw
freely and smoke evenly
and that friends is the whole story
that's exactly why lies taste better
because lies are made with fine tobacco
and because they're made better why
don't you try a carton soon be happy go
lucky how about it l taste better
cleaner frer
Smo taste better cleaner frer Smo for Lu
stri me to Rich tasting
luy tastes better cleaner frer Smo luy
stri luy
[Applause]
[Music]
strike uh ladies and gentlemen as I
mentioned before tonight I'll be doing
my last television show of the season
and my guest star will be that very fine
comedian star will be that very fine
comedian Bob ho also Rochester the
Sportsman quartet and if there's room on
the stage we're going to put in Don
Wilson so we'll be seeing you soon good
night
folks The Jack Benny show tonight was
written by mil josephburg John tberry Al
Goldman Al Gordon and produced and
transcribed by Hillard marks The Jack
Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky
Strike product of the American Tobacco
Company America's leading manufacturer
of
[Music]
cigarettes this is is the CBS radio
network thank you very very much ladies
and gentlemen of course I'd like to tell
the viewers people sitting at home what
I told you folks before the show you
know that the kind of a show we had we
had about eight rehearsals and hope
changed every line so finally when we
finally came to the show I didn't know
what he was going to say it turned out
that way which was very good I think but
anyway I'd like to have you meet my
guest Bob
[Applause]
hope thank you Jack and I'll take the
blame