[Music]
Hello friends welcome to this day in
Jack Benny I'm John Henderson this
episode is from February 7th
1954. in the 1930s and 40s Jack Benny
starred in over a dozen movies none of
them were huge successes his last movie
was nine years earlier in 1945. Jack
Benny's longtime band leader Phil Harris
was no longer on the program he had his
own radio show my name is Harris and I
have post office box number 824. oh you
have
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the new band leader on the Jack Benny
show was Bob Crosby the brother of the
famous singer Bing Crosby
[Music]
if you prefer some fun instrumental
music you could get the latest record by
Liberace
foreign
[Music]
Petrillo headed up the musician's Union
this will show you why we don't want any
more canned music in the United States
here in the 1950s there were a number of
books radio shows TV shows and movies
featuring Private Eyes
oh well I'm a detective agency the
baseball player Joe DiMaggio was on his
honeymoon with his new wife Marilyn
Monroe a former Yankee stugger and his
picture bride escaped into the car and
head for the safety of their hotel
Marilyn Monroe's co-star in the movie
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes was another
busty bombshell Jane Russell did it ever
occur to you that some people just don't
care about money don't be silly we're
talking serious other attractive
starlets included Ava Gardner you can be
nice and sweet when you want to get you
and Lana Turner
listen in this in this episode for a boy
named Harry that's a young hairy Shearer
excellent
excellent if you enjoy the podcast take
a moment to give it a five star rating
and review and enjoy the show and now
around the world The Jack Benny Program
[Music]
the Lucky Strike program starring Jack
Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester
Dennis day Bob Crosby and you're
extremely doubtful
foreign
[Music]
tonight Jack Benny does another
television show but meanwhile there's a
broadcast to do so let's move the clock
back 10 minutes and see what happens
before a radio program goes on the air
we now take you to Jack Benny's dressing
room where our little star is relaxing
oh
[Music]
I sure hate to wake the boss up but the
program goes on in 10 minutes
just lying there sleeping like a baby
yep just like a baby maybe I'll take his
thumb out of his mouth again
awesome
oh now Ava please
now wait a minute Lana
stop it Marilyn
[Laughter]
Marilyn please you're tickling my ear
Marilyn stop kissing me boss boss wake
up you went to sleep to relax
oh I was having such a nice sleep why'd
you have to wake me up I didn't want you
to miss your program big thing missed
the program look Rochester I've been on
radio for 23 years now each year I do
about 40 shows that makes roughly 1 000
broadcasts I've done what would be so
terrible if I did miss one so I wouldn't
get paid for one show after all money
isn't everything pause Wake Up
I am awake now please give me my tie
come in
Jack I'd like to use your mirror to put
on my makeup the one in my room is
cracked why certainly Mary go ahead and
hey wait a minute hey Mary that dress
you're wearing it's beautiful well
thanks I've never seen you wear anything
So Glamorous Mary how can you afford an
expensive dress like that well I didn't
buy it new you didn't no there's a store
in town that sells dresses at movie
stars born in pictures I know this is
the dress that Jane Russell wore and
Gentlemen Prefer blonde oh Jane Russell
huh well it fits you perfectly I had to
take it in a little
foreign
anyway I think I got a real bargain it
only cost me a hundred dollars a hundred
dollars that's outrageous I wouldn't pay
that kind of money for a secondhand
dress you wouldn't pay a hundred dollars
if Jane Russell was still in it
look Mary if you know so much I'm in my
dressing room Don you're a matter of you
and Mary better get on stage
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[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you and Mary better get on stage we've
only got a few minutes left before our
time I'm ready Don come on Jack let's
get going wait a minute here Rochester I
want you to spray a little perfume on me
yes sir
a little more Rochester
ah
is that enough for us yes now stand back
while I sweep out the Dead Fly
[Music]
all right all right now let's go
Rochester I'll be back in about 35
minutes while I'm gone I want you to
press the suit I wore down here and the
tie and shine my other shoes down my
socks and think of a few jokes for next
week's program but Mr Benny I'm your
ballot you've got writers to think of
jokes now don't be selfish they help you
mow the lawn don't they yeah that's
right and since we lost your lawnmower
that Rider with the buck teeth and the
revolving head is a definite asset yeah
I wish I had more like Mills
come on kids let's go
yes doc everything's fine but uh uh but
what Well Jack I've been going through
the script and there's one line in it
that I'd like to change what is it well
here it's on page 12. don't you think it
would be better to say Don Wilson reads
commercial instead of blubber does plug
Oh Donna doesn't make any difference
it's just a stage Direction nobody sees
it but you now come on let's go on in
the studio
all right everybody we go on the air in
about three minutes say Bob Bob I think
that wait a minute Jack wait a minute I
got to get the boys in the band ready
all right fellas let's get ready for the
show put away the cards take the money
off the bass drum and stand it back up
hmm
now stand the drummer up too
is that Sammy gee when he's lying on the
floor his head looks like a honeydew
melon ripening on the vine
now Bob just a second Jack the boys
aren't ready yet Bagby put that away
what I said put that away I can't find
The Cork
I'm gonna stick a mute in it or
something I ain't got no mute I'm a
piano player who says so Petrella says
so
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[Applause]
air time don't you think that I ought to
have the Orcs to play something to
entertain the studio audience yeah
that'd be all right oh wait a minute
Jack the Sportsman quartet have a great
number they rehearse for the band and
how about they're doing that for the
audience before the show oh fine Don go
ahead get it fellas
[Music]
when the moon hits your eye like a big
pizza pie That's Amore
when will the world seems to shine like
you've had too much wine That's Amore
[Music]
foreign
[Music]
when are you walking on dream
[Music]
you prefer is so much tastier that's a
lucky
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you will say
[Music]
your name
[Music]
[Applause]
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Don that number was really swell now is
it almost stretch huh we go on the air
in just a few seconds oh oh yes quiet
quiet everybody
five four three two one
[Music]
and Now ladies and gentlemen I bring you
a man who even though he claims to be 39
always goes to bed at 9 30 and here he
is Jack Benny
thank you
thank you thank you hello again this is
Jack Benny talking and Don the only
reason I go to bed at 9 30 is because
I've stopped drinking coffee or haven't
you heard
I'd like to discuss that introduction
with you I can't because tonight we're
going to present a very important sketch
oh what kind of a sketch Jack well Don
the most popular books today are
mysteries about private eyes and there's
so many radio and TV shows about them
that tonight we're going to do a show
based on the life of a private detective
gee that sounds kind of exciting oh it
is Mary and Now ladies and gentlemen for
the first time in our radio history we
present a dramatic playlist based on the
life of a private eye an episode in the
exciting adventurous career of that
rough tough detective bullets Benny
foreign
help me pick jack up
now in this sketch I will play the part
of bullets Benny a Fearless
crime-busting Detective
who can that be come in
hello Mr Penny remember me I'm hoyman
Herman nebuch yeah I was over at your
house this summer and I sold you about
life insurance policy oh yes yes but why
come and see me now I've been paying the
premiums I know but the company has put
a new clause in its policy for another
15 cents a month you can get Extra
Protection now
what what Extra Protection oh we pay you
double if the planet Mars crashes into
the Earth
okay Herman if it'll make you any
happier I'll take the Extra Protection
here's your 15 cents thank you and here
Mr Bunny this goes with the planet Mars
policy what's that a telescope if you
see it coming get out of the way
I will I will not Herman please sit down
let us do our show yes sir
as I was saying in this sketch I will
play the part of bullets Benny and Mary
yes Jack you're going to play the part
of a very wealthy Society woman Mrs H
Beacon van storage
big mansion you live in a big mansion
have four Ming coats six cars two yachts
and 80 million dollars gosh how'd I get
all that last Halloween you went down to
Texas and played trick or treat
[Music]
now Bob you're going to play the part of
a bartender a bartender yeah do you
think you can do it well Jack since I
took over this Orchestra I haven't been
serving marshmallows
yes I know and well Bob with those boys
you'll always have trouble only last
week I've told you ought to fire Sammy
the drummer Jack I can't fire him why if
it weren't for Sammy we wouldn't have
any Orchestra at all why is Sammy that
good a musician no but his brother is a
bail bondsman foreign
gives him a lot of business a lot
Sammy's brother makes more money than
mine
no
Sammy's brother makes more money than
your brother yeah Everett
huh well let's get on with the casting
the play because
Bagby get away from the window and give
Herman back that telescope
what a piano player
now Don yes Jack You're Gonna Play The
focal point of the sketch the most
important part oh boy that's swell you
see the sketch starts off with you being
held up on the street and you are robbed
of nine hundred thousand dollars gosh
nine hundred thousand dollars am I a
millionaire no a Brinks truck
foreign
now or even for that introduction about
me going to bed at 9 30. now there's one
more part in the sketch and you're going
to play a Dennis
where's Dennis I don't know he wasn't a
rehearsal either maybe Something's
Happened to him I better call his home
Don hand me the phone will you jack I
called his house before we went on the
air and his line's out of order how do
you like that look why don't we start
the sketch without him sure but right
now it's time for a song what are we
going to do for a song I can sing Mr
Bunny
huh look Irma not now I'm having enough
[Music]
[Laughter]
Karma
[Applause]
[Laughter]
[Applause]
[Laughter]
I am a star
oh yeah I'm sorry Mr Bunny well I just
love those lyrics
hmm so Jack why don't you let Bob do a
song yeah that's right how about it Bob
I certainly I was saying Jack and I'd
I'd like to dedicate this song to you
dedicated to me what is it oh my papa
go ahead son meanwhile I'm gonna walk
over to Dennis day's house and see what
happened to that crazy kid
[Music]
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[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
oh my God
he always understood
[Music]
God
[Music]
take me on his knees
and with a smile really he changed my
tears to laughter
Oh my papa
so funny so adorable
always the clowns
so funny
in his way
oh my papa
to me he was the wonderful
deep in my heart
I miss him so today
oh my papa
[Music]
oh my
God
apart
[Music]
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[Applause]
[Music]
makes me so mad
now I have to go all the way over to his
house just to find out why he's missing
the program
the G
I don't mind walking today the weather's
so wonderful
imagine here it is February and the
weather's so nice and warm
so happy I live in Los Angeles
it was warm yesterday too
the day before that was really hot
of course nobody knows what the
temperature was
the smog was so thick you couldn't see
the thermometer
well I better hurry over to Dennis's
house when I see him I'm going to tell
that kid plenty about missing sister
Miss sister huh ain't you Jack Benny
that's right Sonny I am well imagine me
meeting a celebrity a real life
celebrity in person can I have your
autograph why certainly gosh imagine a
celebrity I wish I was a celebrity
really well tell me Sonny if you could
be a celebrity which one would you like
to be Joe DiMaggio
oh
[Applause]
you uh you like baseball eh boy are you
a square
oh I see
well give me your autograph book and
I'll sign it thanks what's your name
Harry just sign it to Harry okay
to Harry with very best wishes Jack
Benny there you are gee thanks Mr Benny
you know I think you're wonderful on
radio and television well thanks I think
you're so good I wonder how come you've
never made any moving pictures
but wait a minute
how old are you Harry 10 years old oh oh
well goodbye Harry goodbye
gee isn't that wonderful
a whole new generation growing up
that'll never know
[Music]
I better hurry over to Dennis's house
and see what's wrong
[Music]
here's Dennis's house
can't wait till I see him boy will I oh
hello Mr Vinnie come on in oh thank you
Mr day
is your son home no he's out with his
mother well that's why I'm here doesn't
Dennis realize he's missing the
broadcast today yes his mother insisted
that he miss it but I want you to know
that I didn't agree with her at all
but Mr day don't you and your wife
discuss these things Mr Benny you don't
discuss things with Dennis's mother your
expressing opinion and duck
well Mr day I know this is none of my
business but don't you think things
might be better if you asserted yourself
on Mrs day asserted myself yes have you
ever tried to show her who's boss oh
I've tried that several times what
happened the Blue Cross canceled my
policy
well look Mr day if I were you well I
thought I'd find you here Mrs day
where's Dennis I left him at our
lawyer's office well do you realize he's
missing the
your lawyer yes we were discussing that
ridiculous contract you got then
assigned to well look Mrs day the
contract I have Dennis tied to is the
usual one between the artist and his
employer usual you've got my boy signed
up for 99 years so why so what how do
you know he'll live that long
how do you know I'll live that long you
already have
[Applause]
what are you applauding
now wait a minute Mrs day I've tried to
be fair to Dennis there everybody knows
you've taken advantage of him ask
anybody ask Miss today here well I do
keep out
and that's salary or paying Dennis but
Mrs day what a salary to give a featured
singer 40 a week why I manage two boxers
who make more than that well Fighters
make a lot of money these are dogs
[Music]
well that I don't understand at all
look Mrs day that contract I have with
Dennis is legal and my lawyers will make
it stand up in court so Dennis better be
back on my show next Sunday or they'll
be trouble oh no he won't my boy won't
sing on your program next Sunday or any
other
hello
oh hello Dennis dear
yes the old goat is here
[Music]
tell him what
but why
oh all right I'll tell him goodbye son
Mr Betty my son says you'll be back on
your program as usual next week that's
better goodbye
but darling I don't understand the
lawyers went over Dennis's contact and
when they finally read the small print
and the last Clause Mr Benny put in they
were convinced that Dennis can never
quit why not Mr Benny adopted him
foreign
ladies and gentlemen I will be back in a
minute to tell you about my television
show which goes on immediately after
this program on the CBS network with my
guest stars Mary Livingston and Joan
Benny but first here's the voice of a
Pulitzer prize-winning cartoonist Rube
Goldberg hi folks I've learned that what
some people think is funny others don't
think is so hot it's all a matter of
taste and taste applies to a lot of
things including cigarettes to me
Lucky's taste better and taste is what
I'm looking for and I always find it
when I smoke a lucky now when I buy my
luckies if you'll pardon this terrible
pun I buy them by the cartoon thanks
Rube Goldberg
smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste and the fact of the matter is
Lucky's taste better cleaner fresher
smoother Lucky's come by their better
taste for two reasons first they're made
of fine tobacco the whole world knows LS
mft Lucky Strike means fine tobacco then
luckies are actually made better to
taste better made round and firm and
fully packed to draw freely and smoke
evenly so for a better tasting cigarette
be happy go lucky buy a carton Lucky's
taste better cleaner fresher smoother
that's right
[Music]
ladies and gentlemen as I mentioned
before tonight I'm doing another
television show and my guest stars will
be Mary Livingston who as you know is
really my wife and Joan Benny who is
really our daughter
jeez I'd had a bigger family I wouldn't
have had to hire any actors at all would
I
good night folks
the Jackson he saw tonight was written
by milk rosesberg John tuckerberry Hal
Goldman Al Gordon and produced and
transcribed by Hilliard marks The Jack
Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky
Strike product of the American Tobacco
Company America's leading manufacturer
of cigarettes on the CBS Radio Network
[Applause]
not so loud you wake up Mr Perry
[Music]
be quiet I have enough trouble trying to
get that man to go to sleep instead of
Collins sheep he makes me count his
money and he keeps one eye open
go to sleep too