[Music]
hello friends welcome to this day in
jack benny i'm john henderson this
episode is from december 16 1945.
christmas was fast approaching
yes i'm really santa claus
and i want you to believe in me
previously on the jack benny program
ronnie you know we're having a guest for
dinner yes in a moment dear as soon as i
finish this letter
now let me see
i can't stand jack benny because
even though the i can't stand jack benny
contest was presented by the fictional
publicity man steve bradley it was a
real contest
real letters were coming in and actual
prizes would be awarded to winners
chosen by the judges fred allen well
that's what started all my trouble
goodman ace of easy aces oh what are you
talking about and the actor peter laurie
tell him to wait
we'll be back very quickly jack benny's
announcer don wilson also announced for
other programs oh don there's a man here
to see you well uh what can i do for you
my man i'm writing an article on don
wilson and i want to know all about your
life well really there's not much at all
to tell you see
my life didn't begin until i heard about
borden's very sharp cocktail spread here
it comes very sharp is really a
mouth-watering cheese treat in this
episode they mention an old song the
sheik of araby
[Music]
they also mentioned the song melancholy
baby
[Music]
and i'm glad i waited for you
i'm glad i waited
for you
[Music]
luella parsons was a gossip columnist
and radio host
hello to all of you from hollywood maria
montez just out of the hospital and jean
pierre allmont has not yet admitted it
but i have it straight from the stark
smiles a baby is due in february one
socialite tommy manville had just gotten
married for the eighth time in the
episode they mentioned the road pictures
with bob hope and bing crosby if you
don't think i want that crowd to get all
the dough oh let him have it we're
loaded and the actor van johnson but i
wasn't talking about business at all
they also quote a poem by edward e
parramore jr the ballad of yukon jake
with world war ii having recently ended
they mentioned general omar bradley this
ceremony
marks complete defeat of germany
they reference japan's legislature known
as the national diet committee the diet
is the focal point of all japanese
government and compares in structure to
the american congress the emperor is the
supreme head of the japanese nation
during the war rubber was very scarce
and even women's undergarments were
affected manufacturers had to use
synthetic rubber which was limited in
its ability to stretch it only stretched
one way
now with the war over they could again
use natural rubber and put the two-way
stretch back in women's undergarments
which was much more comfortable
and finally they mentioned decorative
wax fruit
if you'd like to contact me you can
email jackpennypodcast gmail.com and
take a moment to give this podcast a
five star rating and review wherever
you're listening and enjoy the show the
jack belly program
49 american quality of product is
essential to continuing success
ls mft
ls mft lucky strike means fine tobacco
today tomorrow and always lucky strike
means fine tobacco so round so firm so
fully packed so free and easy on the
draw it takes fine tobacco to make a
fine cigarette and lucky strike means
fine tobacco yes independent tobacco
experts present at the auctions can see
the makers of lucky strike consistently
select and buy the finer the lighter the
naturally milder lucky strike tobacco
and this fine lucky strike tobacco means
real deep down smoking enjoyment for you
so smoke that smoke a fine tobacco lucky
striker
[Laughter]
[Applause]
the lucky strike program starring jack
benny with mary livingston phil harris
rochester larry stevens and your truly
don wilson
ladies and gentlemen two weeks ago steve
bradley jack benny's press agent forced
jack into having a contest you listeners
were asked to write in letters
completing this simple sentence i can't
stand jack penny because
and is it catching on ah yes there's
excitement in the old town tonight
everybody's celebrating in fact right
now there's a parade coming down sunset
boulevard
look they're turning down to the street
where jack penny lives
[Music]
so
[Applause]
hey joe what a parade yeah ain't it
exciting i never saw so many guys in
uniform yeah what are they soldiers
sailors a marine they're mailman
mailman
sure haven't you heard jack benny's
running a contest i can't stand jack
spamming neither can i but what's a
contest about
that's it i can't stand jack benny
because there's ten thousand dollars in
prizes no kid i even sent in a letter
myself you did what did you say oh
plenty when i got through i had to wash
out my fountain pen with soap
boy yet
hey i'm gonna call up my wife and tell
her to write a letter to benny right now
wait a minute why don't you do it
yourself or if my wife calls him half
the things she calls me she can't lose
hey look they're marching right up to
jack benny's door
hey jackson there's the doorbell i heard
it phil rochester
rochester answered the door i can't move
also let's rush to my knees
well that isn't so
high i'm sitting on a horse
oh don't be silly every time i talk to
him phil what are you doing with that
shovel in that pile of letters we lost
mary
we didn't lose marriage he got a bad
cold and couldn't come over today oh
that's a shame jackson did you send her
any fruit no he still has the fruit i
sent her last year which he would say
but that was a year ago don't that wax
fade
no but during the hot weather it melts a
little you know
in fact the banana curled up and looks
like a donut with yellow jaundice
now let's see hey jackson why don't you
send her some real fruit the wax stuff
don't fool anybody it doesn't hey the
apple's got two worms in it they don't
know the difference
so why should i work
i'm coming i'm coming
see how can i
am i going to get to the door with all
those letters maybe i better put on my
snow shoes
good thing i didn't leave them in
yosemite
where the rochester on the way back from
the door ski through the kitchen and
bring me a glass of water
okay
i'm coming
letters are so deep it's a good thing i
got my snowshoes done i have a night
which was very below this stumbled a
minor fresh from the snow dog dirty and
loaded for bears that's me rochester
stop
okay okay
oh are you the mailman well what do you
think i am with this pack on my back an
early santa claus
i never saw a guy that does so many
things you and your contest well can i
help it if so many people can't stand me
decide what are you griping about you
got over 200 letter carriers helping you
i know but it wasn't easy getting them
what we have the only post office in the
country with a draft board
now look don't you shout at me see those
four stars on my shoulders but what does
that mean i'm a postmaster general
really
i knew i shouldn't have asked him now
look will you please stop with all it
quiet a message is coming in on my
walkie-talkie
black commander to control tower flight
commander to control tower we're
circling beverly hills please give
instructions over control tower to
flight commander you're approaching the
target drop down to 500 feet open the
bombay
wait a minute what is this air mail you
old-fashioned food
oh look general do me a favor will you i
drained all the water out of the
swimming pool put the letters in there
the house is full very well thank you
general
oh now what
you forgot to salute
now cut that out
this is all general bradley's fault i
mean it's all steve bradley's fault
having people write letters on why they
can't stand me
these snow shoes are kind of tight he
longed for the bite of the yukon knight
in the northern lights weird flicks
rochester and the game was starting up
frozen but in a taste of raw red liquor
rochester stop with that poetry we're
not in the yukon i don't know about you
but i'm chewing on some blobbers
what because there's a steak with yukon
cake hard-boiled in the picnic egg
rocket he washed his shirt and the crown
died dirt and frank is wrong by the cave
rochester just 10 to the mail
we still have thousands of letters to
read hey jackson here's a letter let's
do this one i can't stand jack benny
because he charges two dollars an hour
to play his violin at weddings what sign
tommy manville
well that's how it is when you work for
one man too long
well let's not get these mixed up well
mr benny oh larry i didn't see you with
all these letters around here when did
you come in yesterday oh
you better read your way to the window
and get some air i can't stand jack
benny because it won't pay rochester
more money because he won't give him a
night off and because he wants rochester
stop reading those letters irene
well we talk about our little problems
in private yeah you me and the guys
committee
never mind yeah i'm getting tired
reading these letters i'm going to rest
a while hey larry why don't you sing a
song for us i'd like to mr benny but
i've got laryngitis everybody's got a
cold you and mary what a show we're
gonna have
just my luck fred allen will be as fit
as a fiddle
i'm sorry you can't sing today kid it
wouldn't make any difference mr benny i
was going to sing i'm glad i waited for
you but mr harris band can't play it
phil
why can't your band play i'm glad i
waited for you oh russians we gotta take
these songs in order
oh oh i'm sorry what are you working on
now seek of arabic
what it's a great song jackson it goes
like this i'm the sheep huh
that's
[Applause]
a long story
i know i know
i know how it goes he wanted a muscle
now in the stretch with a team of
hostile quiet
bill
phil by the time you get to
oh there's the phone
hello hello jack this is don wilson oh
hello don how are you bad as ever thank
you
don't thank me
you're the only man i know that goes
into a butcher shop buys a side of beef
and the butcher says shall i wrap it up
or will you eat it here
now look john i'm busy with my contest
mail what do you want well the reason i
called you jack is because i'm going on
a local broadcast today and i i want you
to listen in oh sure sure we'll all
listen i'm going to tell a few jokes and
i'd like to try one out on you joe oh go
ahead go ahead tom go ahead why are
lucky strike cigarettes like minneapolis
say
that sounds like you got something there
go ahead down why are lucky strikes
cigarettes like minneapolis because
they're so round so firm so fully packed
so free and easy on the draw
[Laughter]
what don't you get it jack
no well i'll wait i'll make it easier
for you lucky strikes are like
minneapolis because they're made of the
finer the lighter than actually milder
debacle
[Laughter]
down i might be a little dense today but
i i still don't get it well now i'll
explain it to you so you can't miss it
lucky strikes are like minneapolis
because with men who know tobacco best
it's lucky's two to one but don that
doesn't make sense minneapolis doesn't
fit in there it doesn't no i guess
you're right jack i'll make it saint
paul
yes i i think you've really got
something well i better run along
goodbye hold down just a second what
time do you go on that program at 6 15.
okay i'll listen goodbye
oh my goodness i forgot to ask him what
station oh well we'll find it hey phil
the house looks a little better with all
those letters cleaned up you know as
soon as we get through i've got to go
out and do some more christmas shopping
hey jackson i've got a swell present for
you this year you're half phil yeah how
much did it i mean what is it
uh what what did you get me casey jen
a case of gin well it'll come in handy
when you throw a party
what am i gonna throw a party the minute
i bring it over bob
all right phil we'll have a party on new
year's eve mr benny what are you going
to give me for christmas
well
what are you going to give me rochester
you tell me what you're going to give me
no no
or you tell me what you're gonna give me
no you tell me
now you tell me
no you tell me
now you tell me
what are you laughing at we do this
every year and all we get out of it is a
sore throat
well don't worry i'm gonna buy you a
nice gift and before i do my shopping i
better go over my list again
let's see for christmas i'll get some
cough drop for larry stephen
some new
new wax fruit for mary
and something for don wilson
i hear they're stretching two ways again
now let's see what else
[Applause]
oh
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
i
now let's see i ought to get some
christmas presents for my writers
they need pencil and paper
and i must look around for some cheap
bow ties for all the boys in phil's band
cheap bow ties why don't you get them
some good ones phil as long as the
elastic snaps in them they're happy
now um now let's see uh
what uh what else do i have to get
i'll get a rochester
hello hello it's my daddy there your
daddy oh oh is this phil harris's little
girl yes is this mr benny thursday green
radio we will drive children to school
at 20 cents a trip
how how did you know all that it was
printed on a christmas card you sanders
oh yes yes oh mr benny i hope you won't
be mad at my daddy when you see the
letter you send into your contest
oh for heaven's sake you mean your daddy
showed you the letter i had to ride for
him
well i should have known he couldn't do
it himself you know can i talk to my
daddy now sure sweetheart just a minute
phil fill your little girls on the phone
thanks jackson
hello baby so hot shot
what did you call me for honey well
daddy i don't know what to buy you for
christmas i wish you tell me what you
want oh darling you don't have to buy me
anything for christmas that's what you
told me last year and then you got even
with me on my birthday
oh no
now baby daddy didn't get even with he
just forgot that's all daddy i like
christmas santa claus and everything yes
wonderful and baby do you know where
santa claus comes from
and that's what i like about the north
pole
isn't that cute hey jackson you should
have heard what my kid just said oh
daddy it wasn't that funny yeah
yes it was too you know honey i never
thought hang up now buddy i'm busy okay
goodbye darling goodbye hotshot
[Applause]
oh gee what a sweet kid it sure is
jackson you know it's wonderful being a
father especially when your kid is just
starting to school you know i come home
at night sit her on my lap and watch her
do her homework yeah you'd be surprised
what you can learn that way
well stick to it phil you know this
isn't going to hurt you annie you said
it i've learned plenty hey jackson you
know what a period is
certainly a period is what you put at
the end of a sentence and it's also a
dot over a
then you nine
amazed me
now let's get the rest of these letters
out of the way
i say phil take all these letters that
you've been open here and put them in
the corner and i wish you'd probably
what is the rochester here's a letter
from fred allen
fred allen he can't be in the contest
he's a judge just the same he sent this
letter
what does it say it says i can't stand
jack benny because
then he lists the reasons alphabetically
chronologically and geographically
geographically yeah he can't stand you
anything
oh
he just thinks he's smart because he can
say such big words with his nose
he's awful stop jackson stop you just
don't like it because he's a great
comedian that has nothing to do with it
and listen phil all week long you've
been sarcastic just because i was the
only one invited to ronald coleman's
house last sunday for dinner i still
don't believe he sent you an invitation
well you can go and look at it again
it's framed over the fireplace
not only that i'm having the colemans
over to my house next sunday you are
yeah i think i would invite their friend
from england mr wellington he was a
guest at their house too hey jackson you
promised don wilson you'd listen to his
program it's getting late oh yeah what
time is it i don't know the little hand
is straight down and the big hand is
bent over
at 6 15. phil why don't you learn how to
tell time i tried to but it always keeps
changing
oh well i better listen to don
rochester turn on the radio we want to
hear don wilson what station is it he
forgot to tell me try to get it anyway
okay
[Music]
i might as well be honest with you
choice i'm in love with another woman no
no it happened you must believe me you
must i've given you the best years of my
life i'll fight to the last house for
vice president
either i wonder what stationed down
[Music]
i've got such a slow radio here
i got to get that space in that time
do you have rheumatism in your choice
do you have chills
does your liver shiver
do you wheeze when you sneeze
if you suffer from these or any other
ailments try simply
remember
that stuff never helped anybody i wish
wilson had told me what station he's
down
[Music]
maybe maybe this is that
hello to all of you from hollywood this
is
that ain't the station jackson well i
want to hear this anyway luella might
have something nice to say about me
here's my first important news from the
film capital tonight
lena schlagenhof who used to go with
teren o'reilly was seen at the macamba
with gregory burma sam
to the exotic music of xavier shapiro
well what do you know about that
just heard that bing crosby and bob
hope's next picture is the road
[Applause]
well they've been everywhere else
i gotta see that flash it's a boy at the
cedars of lebanon hospital
well i'ma send them a card of
congratulations
uh remind me phil
then johnson who was so very ill with
the flu was cured in three days by a new
miracle medicine call
[Applause]
[Music]
how do you like that me at made six
now
here's top news news you'll all be
interested in
who's been jack benny sweetheart for so
long has just signed a brand new
contract with the home way laundry
oh boy she passed her tub ted
see i hope her agent made a good deal
for her
and speaking of jack benny
his contest has brought thousands and
thousands of letters from every state in
the union well almost every state maine
and vermont are still holding out
that shows what she knows they hate me
there too
that's all for now but don't forget that
starting next week my own program for
woodbury will be increased to 15 minutes
so be sure to listen in to all the
latest news from hollywood this is
louella preston saying good night
gee i must call up luella hey jackson
what about the program that don wilson
is on oh yes i must get that
[Music]
yes
[Music]
oh gosh
isn't that awful ladies and gentlemen
you've been listening to the glorious
voice of miss jenny mudfender
the live stream bowling alley
well what do you know don wilson's been
on that program all the time
ladies and gentlemen the contest will
end at midnight december 24th so be sure
to get your letters in before then just
complete this sentence i can't stand
jack benny because in 50 words or less
and mail your letter to the jack benny
contest hollywood 28 california the
first prize will be at 2500 dollars in
victory bonds the second prize fifteen
hundred dollars in victory bonds the
third prize a one thousand dollar
victory bond and there will be fifty
additional prizes of one hundred dollar
victory bonds each remember all you have
to do is complete this sentence i can't
stand jack benny because in 50 words or
less and mail it to the jack benny
contest hollywood 28 california that's
the jack benny contest hollywood 28
california our board of judges will
include goodman ace of the easy aces and
peter laurie he frightens me
and the supreme and final judge will be
the honorable fred allen he frightens
peter laurie
the decision of the judges will be final
and all letters become the property of
jack benny including the rights to
public this contest is open to everyone
except the employees of the american
tobacco company its agents and the
national broadcasting company it is also
subject to all federal and state laws
and regulations in case of a tie
duplicate prizes will be awarded
ladies and gentlemen christmas shopping
this season is just as difficult as it
was last year in the year before however
there's an answer to the question what
will i give for christmas why not give
victory bombs and stamps they are
tangible evident of our gratitude yes
responsibility to those who have made
possible our nation's first peacetime
christmas
give the present with a future
victory bombs and stamps for christmas
[Applause]
that will be back in just a minute
of my good friend
49 american independent tobacco experts
spend their lives buying selling and
handling tobacco mr joseph edgar joyce
independent tobacco buyer of pinnacle
north carolina said as a tobacco man i
know a good leaf of tobacco when i see
it over a period of many years i have
seen that lucky strike buys the finer
lighter tobacco
when lucky strike buys a basket of
tobacco it's got to be good all the way
down
i've spoke lucky's for 18 years quote
when lucky strike buys a basket of
tobacco it's got to be good all the way
down unquote
yes lucky strike means fine tobacco so
smoke that smoker find tobacco lucky
strikes the famous tobacco auctioneers
heard on tonight's programmer mr fe
boone of lexington kentucky
ls mft
lsmfd
lsmft go for your own real deep down
smoking enjoyment smoke that smoke a
fine tobacco lucky strike go round so
firm so fully packed so free and easy on
the draw
well thank heavens that cleans up all
these letters until the mailman get here
tomorrow say phil yeah jackson i'd like
you and all again to come over to dinner
next sunday night you know i'm having
the ronald coleman oh gee thanks jackson
i'll be there and remember phil when
we're having dinner watch your peas and
cues you know what i mean oh sure when
you give me the cue i'll pass please
oh filthy what a shame you haven't got
laryngitis to you
you said i bet mary's glad she didn't
have to hear that joke good night doll
this is the national broadcasting
company