[Music]
hello friends welcome to this day in
jack benny i'm john henderson this
episode's from november 18 1945.
previously on the jack benny program the
robber calls me up threatens to kill me
i tell the detective and he walks out
rochester have joe lewis come in okay
but remember boss he don't know he's
going to be your bodyguard say joe joe
i've got a a little proposition to make
to you what's the proposition anyone
starts punching me or picking a fight
with me but mr benny why should anybody
want to start a fight with you because
i'm such a heel i mean
joe lewis was a champion boxer with many
memorable fights from the late 30s joe
lewis you've come a long way in your
three-year professional career what do
you think of jimmy braddeck he was a
tough fight and a very good fighter and
i was glad when they was mike schmeling
of germany appears in a movie tone
sports interview following his 12-round
smashing knockout victory over joe lewis
but he used a very good left hand on a
very powerful ride
joe that was a great victory tonight and
you're a real champion
i waited two years for the revenge and
now i have them
after the world series a few weeks
earlier jack benny commented that hank
greenberg could have run home but stayed
on third base they just can't get over
greenberg on third in this episode they
mention a california dairy a modern
dairy farm with its buildings and
equipment can be compared with a factory
and even though the war was over some
dairy products were still being rationed
notice that the stamps are given point
numbers eight five two one
and there was an unusual news item
clothing made out of milk the milk goes
through a whole lot of processes each of
which brings it nearer the consistency
of wool so in future you'll be able to
choose between drinking a glass of milk
and wearing one at the theater you could
see the latest in the dr kildare series
where lionel barrymore played dr
gillespie well dr gillespie
seems to me you've been working too hard
around here i'm all right then there was
phil spatulni and his all girl orchestra
my boy boy if you know the score ahoy
hoy what you waiting for joy joy joy
gaba how do you do
[Music]
and the young people were dancing the
jitterbug here there and everywhere the
stamping foot of the boogie piano player
sets the tempo for nimble feet to dance
the jitterbug if you'd like to contact
me you can email jack bennypodcast
gmail.com or you can find me on twitter
at this day benny and enjoy the show
thank you thank you hello again this is
jack benny talking and don that was a
very clever introduction splitter rail
split on atoms with a check
but you know don you made history
yourself what do you mean jack you're
the only man who ever split a girdle
and live with me will ya
when now hold on jack i don't even wear
a girdle well you shook don when you had
that suit made three tailors worked on
it at the same time and they never even
saw each other
and live with me with you
there you're pretty sharp today jack
well you got to be sharp when you're
playing here for the boys at birmingham
hospital what a picturesque place the
beautiful san fernando valley surrounded
by high mountains with peaks that meet
the sky
the floor of the valley with its
boulevards that meet van nuys
the gates of birmingham with its bus
that meets nobody
[Applause]
the fertile soil wait a minute jack i
thought the bus service out here was
excellent excellent don a soldier in
hollywood had a seven year inch
they sent him to birmingham by bus and
it took so long that the itch got off at
sherman oaks
[Applause]
[Laughter]
by the time oh hello mary hello jack hi
fellas
[Applause]
hey these boys really gave you a
terrific reception mary maybe that's
because they know me here jack you see
i'm a member of the vacs the volunteer
army canteen service oh the backs yes a
lot of my friends belong to it we come
out to the hospital two or three times a
week and go through the wards with
cigarettes candy apples oranges bananas
and the boys really go for them gee
why didn't i think jack we don't charge
him
[Applause]
oh well anyway i didn't mean that you
know mary i came out last week and went
through the wards playing my violin well
jack i think that was very nice of you
to play your violin for the boys thanks
mary did you say you gave the boys
apples oranges and bananas
where do those tomatoes come from
i was so embarrassed there
[Music]
what's that that's some of the boys
bowling you know jack the patients here
made all the equipment themselves all
the equipment mary the alley i can
believe but how could they make a big
bowling ball and they took one of the
doctor's pills and put three holes in it
oh
and did they did they make the pill the
pins themselves no they don't have any
pins what are they knocking down the
doctors
mary if you expect me to believe okay
fellas here i am the one and only
birmingham
now that's what i call appreciation for
the sensation of the nation phil phil
coming in here with a noisy entrance
doesn't excuse you for being late where
were you i'm sorry jackson but i
overslept you see me and my boys had a
chance to play a ritzy place last night
well we just couldn't afford to pass it
up oh that's different phil where'd you
play at the brass rail
the brass rail phil your band has 18 men
i mean how could a place like that
afford to pay you well they gave us a
pretty good deal 15 bucks and all we
could drink
oh well that wasn't so bad well the guy
wants us to come back next week but the
deal isn't quite as good right what does
he want to pay you 18 000 and no drinks
well the guy's got to protect himself
actually phil you ought to be ashamed of
yourself only making those kind of deals
what do you mean last week we were
offered two hundred dollars in all we
could drink and we turned it down by
where they want you to play an a-door
hey door phil that's a dairy hey jack
why in the world hey jackson wait a
minute ain't you gonna ask me what kind
of music we play in a dairy no well then
i'll tell you anyway a cow a cow
oh harris you got to stop eating that
alfalfa kid
well
oh brother phil you ought to be ashamed
of yourself jack you mind if i say
something don everybody knows that lucky
strike means find the back well i don't
mean that jack but talking about dairies
reminded me that they've developed a
process whereby they make clothing out
of milk well what will them cows think
of
next quiet bill say mary didn't marry
didn't you tell me you had a dress made
out of milk yes jack it's called aralac
well why didn't you wear it today i
couldn't i wore it last night to the
palladium a soldier asked me to
jitterbug and you'll never guess what
happened why he rolled me around the
floor once and my dress turned to butter
water oh my goodness well what what did
the soldier do i think he gave me eight
points and took me home
every time i start to worry about mr
benny oh hello larry how are you
say uh say larry what's that you've got
in your hand there oh it's a fan letter
i just received it this morning well
you're going places go on kia don't be
modest read your fan letter to us okay
dear mr stevens please send check for
the fan you bought last summer
[Applause]
larry just sing your song if he comes in
there next week with a washing machine
letter i'll hit him right on the head
imagine you
i was all by that dream sung by larry
stevens very good kid and now phil hey
uh jack i want to ask you something what
is it don did the police ever catch the
gangster or robbed you of the ten
thousand dollars
no no not yet don but i think they'll
try a little harder now you know i
offered a reward for his capture some
reward a dollar and a half and two
courses of love and bloom
mary don't be redeemed
more than that i know but who wants a
luckier hair
anything that scares nowadays is
valuable
and live with me will you that's a deal
jack uh didn't i read where the gangster
came back last week and beat you up the
gangster beat me up uh he didn't even
hurt me oh no what about that military
punch he gave you military punch yeah i
hit you on the chin and your brain took
a three-day pass
it was only three hours
what a lousy time i have hey jackson uh
look jackson when you get to a fight
like that you gotta be tricky what well
when i'm in a fight i tell the guy his
shoelace is untied and then when he
looks down boom i clip him i tried that
phil i go to the gangster look your
shoelace is untied well what happened he
said well you're down there tie it
[Laughter]
how do you like that
jack did you tie a shoelace i would not
anyway i got up drew back
i'll get it
hello oh mr benny there's rochester
where where are you rochester i'm home
and i called to tell you that the
gangster who robbed you was just here oh
my goodness he's after me again tell me
everything that happened well i heard
the door buzzer open the door and there
stood the holdup man so i invited him in
invited him in
for heaven's sake why did you do that
boss there's something about a man with
a gun in his hand that brings out my
southern hospitality
oh oh he had a gun with 12 notches
12 knots at rochester why didn't you
grab it and capture them i'm
superstitious i didn't want to be that
13th knot
[Applause]
rochester where was your courage it must
have been somewhere around the house it
wasn't with me
you know rochester i hate to think of
you being a coward yeah depression ain't
it
certainly is but you know boss there's a
difference between being a coward and
being practical there is a yeah if
you're a coward and a man pulls a gun on
you you'll get down on your knees and
beg for your life uh-huh but if you're
practical you'll get down on your knees
and try to think of something he's
interested in
that's what i thought anyway you should
have made you should have made some
attempt to capture them you know boss i
hate to bring this up but last week you
had a mighty good opportunity to capture
that gangster yourself rochester he took
me by surprise well i didn't have no
appointment with him
[Applause]
well there's no use talking about it
anymore i'll see you when i get home
okay by the way as joe lowe's gotten
there yet joe lewis you mean he's coming
out here to birmingham hospital uh-huh
last week you convinced him that he was
a comedian so he's coming out there and
make the boys laugh but rochester joe
lewis is not a comedian i think he'll be
all right boys i gave him a good joke
you did yeah you know the one you told
me yesterday about the traveling
salesman rochester don't you know you
can't tell a joke like that on the radio
i know it but joe doesn't
[Applause]
we'll do the best we can i know the boys
here would like to see joe lewis anyway
goodbye rochester
everything backfires i try to get joe
lewis as a bodyguard now he wants to be
a comedian
all right phil it's time for a band
number let's have it okay boys come on
hit it will i root doo doo doo doo doo
doo
phil i want to ask you one question how
did you ever get into the music business
what are you talking about before i went
with you i spent three years with phil
spatalni bill's batomi how could you
play with fatality he only has girls in
his orchestra my curls weren't always
this short buff
well take the ribbon out of your hair
and play a number okay fellas all right
one twos hollyville hold it
come in
hello joe hey fellas it's joel lewis
sister told me you were coming up here
to be a comedian make the boys laugh do
you think you can do it oh sure you know
i used to be in the army
yes uh
yes i know i was a sergeant
a sergeant in the army yeah a sergeant
is a rank between the private and the
gentleman
oh well what about majors and colonels
they're mixed up in there someplace
[Applause]
hey that's pretty funny but look joe
your profession is fighting now why
don't you leave the comedy to me after
all it took me 25 years to become a
comedian it's the same as fighting how
long did it take you to become a
champion uh 10 seconds
oh yeah
that's when you won the championship
from jim braddock but joe here's what i
want to find out you really only lost
one fight and that was the first time
you fought max smelly
how did he ever get you in a position to
knock you out he told me my shoelace one
time
and uh
and and you fell for that i fell for
something
yeah
but joe
joe you really gave it the smelling on
that second fight when you knocked them
out in the first round how did you do it
i wish you with zipper on them
you really tricked the lilia say joe
i've always been a great fan of yours
double up your fist and let me take a
look at it once will you okay
ah just look at that fist jack doesn't
that remind you of a lucky strike
cigarette
[Applause]
what so round so firm so fully back
you're right don and that leaves them so
free and easy on the floor
yes sir anyone to know something jack
when a fighter gets knocked down the
referee should stand over him and say ls
mft ls mft don what good is that the guy
doesn't get up and ask for a lucky
strike cigarette
yo it was certainly nice to drop in and
i'll see you right after the broadcast
just a minute i come here to be a
comedian i want to tell a joke uh
a joke
well
well all right go ahead
okay tell me mr bennett who was that
lady i saw you with last night oh
no no not that old one i'm not gonna go
wrong with that try it on somebody else
okay or miss liverson yes joe who was
that lady i saw you with last night
there was no lady that was jack benny
he's all walks walk that way
as well thanks
i do not look joe go
i'll give you
joe i'll give you a proposition i'll
teach you how to be a comedian if you'll
give me some pointers on self-defense
sure i'll show you right now now wait a
minute i'll get phil harris to box his
name oh phil okay jackson i'll help you
out now what what do i do joe when phil
has come in with you with a jam yeah i'm
swinging him with your right hand am i
right eh
i'll swing with my left
ready bill ready here i go oh
my chin had lived with me with you bud
[Applause]
oh phil we were only playing hey jackson
look i hit you so hard i have tied your
shoelace my shoelace where
oh
you see jackson it works every time
[Applause]
yo did you see him pull that trick on me
yeah but how did you fall for that
you're wearing button shoes
[Applause]
come on
[Applause]
[Music]
i was gee i didn't know that jack tell
me about it oh don it was nothing i'll
tell you about it mary he doesn't want
to hear him after the gate to knock jack
left him on the floor we shoveled him up
and took him to the hospital i'll never
forget how he looked when phil and i
went to visit him the next day
[Music]
[Applause]
how do you feel now jack well my face
feels kind of swollen out of shape and
it's so sensitive when i touch it
see my cheek here mary
mary what's this big lump behind my ear
that's your nose
what's it doing way over there
see my face looks awful look a lot
better jackson if you wear pajamas
instead of that
nightgown with that knife cap on your
head you look like you're waiting for a
little red riding hood never mind oh
drama what a flat nose you add
cut that out everybody comes in here
with jokes no fruit
fine people
oh well well and how's our little
patient today
oh are you the doctor what do you think
i am with this thermometer a spy from
florida
look doctor i wanna come now come now
stick out your tongue ah take your
tongue out little farther
[Music]
the knees most of the patients can't
even touch their chin
doctor will you believe any you can put
your tongue in again
[Music]
what a time for the window shade to go
up
and now mr benny i want to listen to
your heart now let me adjust this
stethoscope
[Music]
my mr benny you must have a rigid
contract
look doctor there's nothing wrong with
my heart now leave me alone well i'll
see you later i have to run down to the
lab
what a silly doctor all doctors report
to sir jeremy
all doctors report to sir jury
dr gillespie will operate on the first
table dr kildare will be on the second
round
somebody ought to tell them the game's
over
i gotta get out of this place before
anything else happens all right
everybody out we must have a little
privacy here the patient's gone through
a great ordeal we'll leave in a minute
nurse and now
look what i've got
and it's all yours
aren't you mrs o'brien do i look like
mrs o'brien
i don't know i've never seen mrs o'brien
oh look jack how cute the baby likes you
yeah well i'd better take him to his
mother give him to me okay
but baby honestly i'm not your mother
i'm not even your father
nurse nurse maybe i better hold them
again give them to me thanks
nice little fella
i'll attend to the other babies i have
outside then i'll pick this one up and
take him to his mother but nurse no
um gosh phil doesn't jack look cute that
way yeah but i still like alice better
oh look the baby's falling asleep
baby turn over on your side
i wish the nurse would take him again
well well here i am again look doctor
now now you have nothing to worry about
i just got your test back from the
laboratory and it shows
well i diagnosed your case all wrong
[Applause]
doctor when you told me your age i never
thought of this
sir this is not my baby this is not my
baby there's only one way to decide baby
tell me is this your mother oh that
silly looking
hospital chick i'm glad that the boys
who couldn't be here in the auditorium
could hear our show over their bedside
network i also want to thank joe lewis
for being with us on these past two
programs by the way joe i think i've got
the idea of self-defense now you have
yeah watch i'll show you oh larry larry
stevens yes mr benny come here a minute
now put up your fist like this yeah hey
larry larry your shoelace is untied
where right there well that's all right
i have to take him off tonight anyway
what a lousy sport he is good