[Music]
hello friends welcome to this day in
jack fanny i'm john henderson this
episode is from november 2nd 1947
a time when styles and women's fashion
were changing it looks as if our women
folk have decided to hide their knees
after 10 years when skirts got shorter
every season
the question now is are we in for a new
long skirt era with grandma's fashions
making a spectacular comeback
women were the target audience of most
daytime radio shows like tom brennaman's
breakfast in hollywood we kind of like
to visit i think maybe we'll start with
you who are you this morning um this is
amanda deardorff deardor hello miss
deardorff hello
you're from waynesboro yes i live at 24
and a half cleveland avenue cleveland
avenue yes did you have any any sons
nick deardorff i have one well what's
his name wilbur deardor will i know him
don't i no i don't think you do well
that's what i said i didn't know him
bob hope was a comedian who even on the
radio was known for his big upturned
nose
and i had a big reception when i
returned to my neighborhood i was met by
a 30-piece brass band well not exactly
30 pieces 15. well not exactly 15 pieces
it was more like six
well not exactly a brass band two guys
were fixing the sewers and banging the
pipes
and broadcasting from new york was jack
benny's rival comedian fred allen i hope
we both live to be as old as that joke
here
and as decrepit and as bent as the
writer is who brought it in this
afternoon orson welles was truly an
actor of stage screen and radio the
spirit of wonder and adventure
the token of immortality
will be given you as a child
may you keep it forever
and the writer norman krasna now had his
second big hit on broadway my good
friend norman krasner wrote a most
refreshing stage play broadway took it
to its heart in this episode they
mentioned the used car dealer the
smiling irishmen at the time there were
a number of makes of vehicles oldsmobile
buick studebaker and on the high end
cadillac
on the big screen at the time you could
see bogey and bacall lauren bacall and
humphrey bogart in their latest picture
together
dark passage
i gotta get out of here
pick up something
i gotta take that chance now
all right let's climb in my car and get
out of here fast what is this
let's go i want to help you
i don't get it but
all right let's go
you're not going to operate on me with
that are you oh no
before i can start on you you have to be
shaved clean and close
mind a few scars so you've been in a
wreck
you're the doctor
i think i'll leave the nose alone it's a
nice nose be ashamed to break it
how old would you like to look
i don't know
well i'll make you look older
[Music]
shall i pull it off with one short
shriek
[Music]
well
is it that bad
[Music]
same eyes
same nose
everything else seems to be in a
different place
you might notice that rochester's not in
this episode they had actually written a
segment for him but it was cut for time
if you'd like to find more episodes you
can get them at thisdaybenny.com
and be sure you're subscribed to this
podcast wherever you're listening so
support your community chest and enjoy
the show
the jack benny program presented by
lucky strike quality of product is
essential to continuing success exhibit
a lucky strike in a cigarette it's the
tobacco that counts and today tomorrow
always lucky strike means find tobacco
lucky strike presents the man who knows
mr herbert highsmith veteran independent
tobacco buyer of robertsonville north
carolina has handled tobacco all his
life recently he said season after
season i've seen the makers of lucky
strike by quality tobacco fine tobacco
with real flavor smooth ripe and mild so
for myself i pick lucky's smoked them
for 15 years at auction after auction
independent tobacco experts like mr
highsmith can see the makers of lucky
strike consistently select and buy that
fine that light that naturally mild
tobacco remember ls mft
ls mft lucky strike means fine tobacco
and fine tobacco means real deep down
smoking enjoyment for you so smoke that
smoke a fine tobacco lucky strike yes
next time you buy cigarettes ask for
lucky strike so round so firm so fully
packed so free and easy on the draw
[Music]
the lucky strike program starring jack
benny with mary livingston phil harris
rochester dennis day and yours truly don
wilson
[Music]
ladies and gentlemen as you all know
last friday october 21st was halloween
and people young and old all over the
nation were bobbing for apples yes sir
so now we bring you a man whose gums are
so tender he had the bob for applesauce
jack benny
[Applause]
thank you
thank you thank you hello again this is
jack benny talking and don
that was a very funny introduction
bobbing for applesauce you know it's
certainly clever i mean the way you
expose all my faults and defects
yeah
people enjoy it too yes yes they do
you know don
don there's a man in pomona who gets up
at four o'clock in the morning looks at
a thermometer and then broadcasts frost
warning i know well one more
introduction like that and you'll be his
master of ceremony
and incidentally halloween is on the
31st not the 21st
in other words
don didn't mean any harm he was just
trying to get a little laugh that's all
mary we want big laughs on this show if
don has any little laughs let him ship
him east to fred allen
[Music]
and speaking of halloween allen looks
like he went bobbing for oranges and got
a smudge pot caught under each eye
he used them to warm up the audience you
know
say jack is fred allen older than you
are is he older mary
[Laughter]
this is cruel but i've got to tell it
so this is awful but i must ask me again
mary go ahead all right
is fred allen older than you are is he
older
mary alan died in 1896.
what you hear on sundays are
transcription
i wonder how he gets those
transcriptions up here
but getting back to halloween don what
did you do last friday night you have
any fun oh i had a wonderful time jack i
went to a masquerade party really what
did you go as i let a chain drag from
the back of my belt and wet as a
gasoline truck
well that's logical
don always thinks of something unique
does he marry yeah i remember last
halloween he painted lines across his
back and went as a football field
was a good illusion except that the
field spread out too much around the
10-yard line
but everybody has fun on halloween
especially the kids hey jack did you
find out who put that sign up in front
of your house no no i didn't what was
that murray
somebody took a chopped suicide off a
chinese restaurant and nailed it over
jack's front door mary chopped suicide
huh with jack mad no he just put a
common on rochester and went into
business
oh i just did that for a guy but i had a
lot of fun friday night too don you know
i went to a halloween party in beverly
hills and i met the most wonderful girl
and she was so cute you know she came
dressed in little bow peeps little bow
peep that's a cute costume what did you
wear jack well i didn't know i was going
to the last minute so i just wore an old
costume i found up in the attic but kids
i got to tell you about this girl she
wore a little black mask that seemed to
oh i don't know she was just wonderful i
really went nuts about her well
i never heard you talk like this before
i can't help it when she came through
the door i looked at her and she looked
at me and i could just feel something
run up and down my spine
mary you know what that means your
costume was up in the attic longer than
you thought it was
[Music]
i'm serious well i'm sick this girl
didn't say much but as we were dancing
she would look into my eyes and call me
pumpkins pumpkin yeah and i called her
little bo peep she was really excited
benny after the program is over do you
mind if i oh hello dennis hello mr benny
after the program is over do you mind if
i did you did you just get in yeah mr
benny after the program is over do you
how do you feel kid fine
that's good i had double pneumonia this
morning but i'm all right now
[Music]
dana stop being silly if you had double
pneumonia this morning how could you
come to the studio did you take
penicillin no i took the sunset bus
now cut that off
look kid kid all you had was a slight
coal that's all how did you catch it
well on halloween i wanted to play a
trick on my father so i put a pail of
ice water over the door so when he
opened it the water would fall on his
head
but you put the ice water up there for
your father how did you catch the cold
testing
oh it worked every time
look
look dennis if i'd have known you were
going to stay at home on halloween i
would have taken you to a masquerade
party at the beverly hills club oh i was
supposed to go to that party with phil
but my folks wouldn't let me so phil
went alone phil was there see that's
funny i didn't see him what was he
dressed as little bo peace
[Applause]
little goal pete
phil kiss me pumpkin
no
no wonder he wouldn't take off his mask
phil you you mean jack dance with you
all evening not only that levy he even
asked me if he could drive me home
no yeah
say livy have you ever seen the likes of
the city from mulholland drive
i can't understand it
how could he shave so close
phil
i think you carried it too far why
didn't you tell jack who you were wasn't
spoiling old man's evening
all right phillip had you fooled me you
had your little joke now let's forget it
forget it nothing i want them nylons you
promised me alice can you
look you're not getting those nylons and
i'm not putting you in pictures either
[Laughter]
now look we've got a show to do so
jackson
hey jackson
come here
phil we've got to get on with the show i
know all right but
come here just a minute i want to i want
to ask you something oh all right
what what is it
look at me
huh do my eyes still twinkle like two
stars in the summer sky
oh boy do you fall for everything you
hear
i really put one over on you bud now go
ahead phil pick up that stick and let's
have a band number okay pumpkin never
mind but i still can't understand how he
could shave so close
[Applause]
foreign
so
[Applause]
[Music]
that i was the lady from 29 palms played
by little schmo peeps and his orgasm
i still
well as long as we're happy
[Music]
but i still i still can't get over how
he fooled me you know i should have
known it was phil when he stopped at
every house knock on the door and said
trick or drink
[Music]
well jack it's your own fault you fall
in love with every girl you meet and
then you do the silliest thing i do not
tell the fellas what happened when i
introduced you to that girl in new york
mary what happened mary well jack went
up to her apartment turned the lights
down low put one arm around her waist
and whispered darling i want you to have
something to remember me by mary then he
took off his toupee pulled out three
hairs and stuck them in her locket
[Music]
well that just shows how much i thought
of her anybody else could grow them back
me it cost thirty dollars
look kids we've got an important play to
do tonight it's very important so let's
get on with it go ahead down with the
introduction okay
ladies and gentlemen for our feature
attraction tonight we're going to
present our version of that stirring
thrilling warner brothers production
dark passage
[Music]
the story concerns an unfortunate man
who is serving a life term in the state
penitentiary
or murder but wait
why should i tell his story let him tell
it
[Music]
my name is humphrey benny
i was serving a life sentence for the
murder of my wife
it was an intentional murder
one night when she went to bed i turned
the electric blanket up too high
they never would have caught me if i
hadn't put that apple in her mouth
[Music]
next thing i knew i wasn't sell 13 in
the state prison i remember my first
meeting with myself
i asked him how long he'd been there
and he said i've been in this prison for
now to 20 years
[Music]
what are you in for curly arson arson
yeah i signed some other guy's name to a
check
wait a minute that's not arson sure it
is i signed it arson well
oh curly you may not have a spoon but
you're sure sir crazy
say what are you in for murder
murder yes my wife i was married to her
for one year and then i killed her
here's her picture
hmm
what took you so long
[Music]
i couldn't face it
tell me curly what kind of clink is this
anyway ah it's not too bad as long as
you don't break the rules but last year
they threw me in solitary confinement
solitary yes for two long months they
kept me to sell all by myself 60 days i
was in there all alone alone alone alone
gee that must have been awful no i'm
crazy about myself
[Music]
what if i hadn't had a mirror i would
have gone nuts
[Music]
well this jail could be worse hey wait a
minute
why did the lights turn dim oh they're
testing the electric chair
slugger wilson goes in there in a few
minutes
look here comes the guards with them now
hold on slugger slow long
hold still wilson while we strap you in
there now guard get ready to throw the
switch no no please hold please solve
please throw the switch
[Music]
wilson it'll be easier for you if you
stop squirming now stop squirming
oh darn it that's a third terry broke
their swing
gee curly i thought slugger wilson was
supposed to go to the chair in june here
it is november took him four months to
eat his last meal
[Music]
hey what's that ah some guys in the next
cell they sing all the time
why do they always have such good
singers in prison
i hate that stuff nato
oh we wish we had someone to love us
we'd be happy as happy could be
we want someone to take us out of prison
for
send us an lss
[Applause]
[Music]
do they do that all the time
[Laughter]
thanks curly
you know i
say
hey who's that guy coming down the
corridor huh oh him he's a playwright
trying to get some atmosphere for a
prison plate let me see hey i know him
that's norman krasner
he'll be heartbroken to see me here in
prison hey norman
norman
look where i am
[Applause]
gee what a sense of humor
[Music]
well i better shave hey curly where's
the hot water are you kidding no hot
water in this cell what no hot water
well i ain't going to stay in a jail
like this hey guard
clark take you to the war
take me to the ward
so the guard took me to the ward
i'll never forget that harrowing walk
down the long long corridor
i passed the condemned cells
the guard said poor devils they're
doomed
i passed the solitary cells
the guard said poor devils they'll go
crazy
as i passed the women's cells
the guard said
[Music]
as i passed the work cell i stopped and
went back for the guard
finally we reached the warden's office
the guard told me to go in myself
i opened the door
i faced the kindly old gentleman sitting
behind the big desk and said
a warden wharton
[Music]
what kind of a prison is this anyway
what kind of cells have you got here no
hot water no mattresses on the buns and
our television set doesn't work either
and the food is bad too really what did
you have for dinner last night well let
me see
we started with sue your entree hash
your dessert pudding your age 38.
i look warden i ain't going to stand for
this kind of treatment see you'll stand
for it and like it now go back to your
cell i won't go back to myself either
let me out of here or send me to the
electric chair yeah hear me send me to
the electric chair i'd love to but our
light bill's too high now
[Music]
now get back to your cell and stay there
[Music]
i went back to my cell determined to
escape i planned i schemed and after
seven long years i got my chance
a parole came through for number 60734
that was curly's number
so that night i knocked him on the head
and changed numbers with them
it worked and they took me to the gate
gave me a new suit of clothes and a five
dollar bill
and they handed me a tube of buffalo and
told me to blow
things on the outside were in terrible
shape
financial instability political unrest
and worst of all
they were wearing them long ago
[Music]
there was nowhere to go nothing to see
i was touching the lonesome road from
the jail towards the city when a car
stopped beside me
and a voice said
wanna lifted a town big boy
i stood there staring for a minute i
couldn't speak i just couldn't speak
suddenly it happened
that's better i can see your face now
hop in the car blue eyes and i'll take
you to town okay miss
miss but call but you can call me lauren
lauren
if you don't feel like calling just
whistle
hop in
[Music]
you've been in prison haven't you yeah
yeah
how did you know i saw the picture
you know
it's swell driving along sitting next to
you
i've been in prison so long i've
forgotten what girls look like
a glorious fragrance that lovely odor
what is it gasoline my tag flakes
now where would you like me to take you
i don't know
this time of the night
it's too late for the palladium and
too early for breakfast at brenneman
i don't know where to go i'll tell you
what you can ride up the top of
mulholland drive and park no thanks i
was up there on halloween
now look lauren i'm in trouble see i
just broke out of prison and they'll be
looking for me in a few hours well if
that's your problem i know a plastic
surgeon who can change your face so
nobody will recognize you say that
no why should i go to the trouble of
having my face changed they might catch
me anyway you'll still be ahead
[Music]
okay i'll try it and i'll pull a couple
of jobs that'll make me rich
yeah
that's what i'll do i don't get your
angle big boy have you ever thought of
going straight
you know i kind of like you
you ever thought of getting married
yeah sometimes i i think i'd like to get
married
settle down in a vine covered cottage
with a wife and have 10 or 12 children
get out mister this is as far as we
[Music]
go huh what this is where that plastic
surgeon has his office good
let's go in
[Music]
the doctor's office was on the second
floor
i followed her up the stairs
she was wearing them long too
[Music]
as we walked down the hall i began to
feel frightened nervous afraid
more sense how i felt and walked over to
encourage me
she kissed me
when i came to i was in the doctor's
office
he was feeling my pulse with one hand
and my wallet with the other
finally he said mr benny as long as i'm
going to change your face who do you
want to look like i don't know i
i just don't want to be recognized well
i can make you look like a young man or
an old man
or if you really want to disguise
yourself i can put some glass in the
back of your head and make you look like
a studebaker
no the windshield wipers would drive me
nuts
but then
if you think looking like a studebaker
would do the trick go ahead very well
i'll call my assistant oh dr mcnulty
here i am doctor shall i
gosh you sure lost up this guy's face
he hasn't started yet
now look i'm in a hurry let's get on
with the operation very well i'll go in
the next room and put on my gown
say dr mcnully will it hurt much oh no
he's the best plastic surgeon in town
really uh-huh ten years ago a man came
in to have his nose straightened out so
the doctor sat him down in a chair stood
behind the man reached down and grabbed
the patient's nose and both hands and
began pulling up he pulled and pulled
and pulled and all of a sudden
[Music]
[Laughter]
didn't the guy sue why should he today
that man is bob hope
[Music]
well i hope my operation turns out okay
[Music]
[Applause]
doctor came back he was carrying his
surgical instruments and he had slipped
into his operating gown
he was wearing him long too
[Music]
he adjusted the ether cone of my nose i
began inhaling my head began to whirl i
began to hear voices the light feels too
high now too high now too high now too
high now and i caught a blurred vision
of lauren looking down at me she was so
beautiful i wanted to marry her i cried
lauren lord
she looked at me tenderly
[Laughter]
[Music]
her voice was so beautiful
suddenly things got dimmer and dimmer my
head world faster and faster and then
and then i passed out
[Music]
when i came to
the operation was over
i removed the bandages
i looked in the mirror
it was even better than i expected
i looked like a cadillac
[Laughter]
i had white side wall ears
the doctor was pleased too
he was smiling and he said how do you
feel mr benny
i mean fine thank you
i was so happy that i ran out of the
doctor's office
but my happiness didn't last long people
recognized me so i went back to the
doctor and had my face changed again
this time i looked like a buick
but people still recognized me so i had
my face changed again no i look like an
oldsmobile
but i still wasn't safe
not only were people recognizing me but
i was going pro buying license plate
there was no use
finally in desperation
i sold myself to the smiling irishman
it left new top on me and made me into a
bus
i am now running between anaheim azusa
and cucamonga
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
friends every worthwhile undertaking
usually has a slogan sort of an
identifying phrase to express its
purpose
the community chest has one a fine one
which says
everybody benefits
everybody gives
it's sort of like the golden rule
do unto others as you would have them do
unto you
that's really the purpose of the
community chest anyway
so let's all help make the slogan of the
community chest a practical aid
to the health and welfare of millions of
americans
everybody benefits
everybody gives thank you
[Music]
jack we'll be back in just a moment but
first
quality of product is essential to
continuing success and lucky strike
means fine tobacco ls mft yes lucky
strike means fine tobacco and fine
tobacco is what counts in a cigarette
remember what happens at the tobacco
year after auctions at market after
market independent tobacco experts can
see the makers of lucky strike
consistently select and buy that fine
that light that naturally mild tobacco
american lucky strike presents the man
who knows mr sidney curran tobacco
warehouseman of oxford north carolina
has spent 25 years on the tobacco
markets recently he said at auction
after auction i've seen the makers of
lucky strike by tobacco that's got real
smoking quality find tobacco that smokes
up mild cool and fragrant smoked lucky's
myself for 26 years so for your own real
deep down smoking enjoyment remember ls
mft lucky strike means fine tobacco so
smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky
strike yes next time you buy cigarettes
ask for lucky strike so round so firm so
fully packed so free and easy on the
draw
ladies and gentlemen stay tuned in for
the phil harris alice phase show which
follows immediately and be sure to
listen to a day in the life of dennis
day on wednesday night and next sunday
on my own show i have one you know
i'm expecting a visit from my next-door
neighbors mr and mrs ronald coleman good
night folks
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
this is nbc the national broadcasting
company
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