[Music]
hello friends
welcome to this day in jack benny i'm
john henderson
this episode is from march 19 1944.
the merry max we're topping the charts
with the song
mersey dots
[Music]
iv
in this episode they mention queen
elizabeth the king and i
are grateful to think that we and our
family
are remembered in your prayers as well
as the prime minister winston churchill
and i am here to tell you that we will
wage that war
side by side with you while there is
breath in our bodies
in u.s politics the secretary of the
treasury was henry morgenthau
it's our purpose that you shall always
have access to
accurate full and up-to-date accounts
of the financial position of the
government because of the war at this
time there were shortages on many items
including beef i think we could manage a
couple of minute steaks
if we couldn't get steaks we'd better
have hamburger
that's an idea the academy awards were
two weeks earlier
now ladies and gentlemen comes the award
that has caused these bags under my eyes
now coach yeah go ahead kid oh i'm out
of it all together
can you stand this jack oh sure the
academy of motion picture arts and
sciences
award for the best performance by an
actor paul lucas
what's on the rise
[Applause]
and the angels sing starring dorothy
lamore
i'm glad to hear you've got that much
sense then there was nelson
eddy
he had his own radio show but was better
known for his movies from the late 30s
co-starring jeanette mcdonald
another screen duo from the late 30s was
robert taylor
and barbara stanwick aren't you going to
kiss me no no i came up here to see what
kind of a hat you were wearing they
co-starred in a movie in 1936 and by the
end of the decade
they were married we never expected
anything like this didn't we
in this episode they also mention a
wrestler called strangler lewis
movie producer samuel goldwyn jack
benny's radio rival fred allen
dick tracy characters flat top and prune
face
and burlesque dancer gypsy rose lee
there's only one thing left to do
so i do it day could occasionally be
heard
doing guest shots on other radio
programs
hello fellas this is dennis day and i'm
not here tonight getting laughs with
jack benny
i'm just here to try and bring you some
of the things you're missing last week
he was on your hit parade
with frank sinatra well let's get going
across the nation to hollywood and frank
sinatra
number two my heart tells me
[Music]
in a couple of years dennis day would
begin his own radio show
now this episode does have some humor
that might be considered a bit outdated
but all in
all it's a very funny episode if you'd
like to hear more jack benny check out
thisdaybenny.com and enjoy the show
the grape nuts and grape nuts flakes
program starring jack benny
with mary livingston phil harris dennis
day and yours truly don wilson
say folks do you know what it is to wake
up some morning with that
just confess it feeling why sure you
know
it's the day you get out on the
so-called wrong side of the bed
well that's the morning to be doubly
certain there's a big bowl of crisp and
cheerful grape nuts or grape nuts flakes
to clap your eye on
first thing when you get to the table
they look so good and boy they
are so good you'll feel all perked up in
no time at all
yes and you'll keep right on feeling
perked up all morning long
because both grape nuts and grape nuts
flakes are crammed full of sustaining
energy giving
whole grain nourishment iron niacin
vitamin b1 plus proteins too
and don't forget cereals with whole
grain nourishment like grape nuts and
grape nuts flakes
are a must for that adequate breakfast
you should eat
remember you haven't had a thing to eat
for 10 or 12 hours
that's why doctors and dietitians say
you should get at least one quarter of
the entire day's nourishment in the
morning
so eat a good breakfast featuring grape
nuts or grape nuts flakes
do a better job
[Music]
so
now ladies and gentlemen let's turn back
the clock it's saturday
evening and we take you to jack benny's
home in beverly hills
mr benny's residence style stage screen
radio
television and violin recitals at
ridiculously low prices
[Music]
hello it's mr benny in do you want to
complain about his camel
well no i don't is mr penny in how much
does he owe you
he doesn't owe me a cent i'd like to
speak to mr benny
how much do you want to borrow i don't
want to borrow anything
well congratulations you have met the
necessary requirements
you are one a on mr benny's receiving
list
oh boss what coming rochester
mr bender you want it on the phone oh
who is it
i don't know but it's safe
oh hello hello mr benny this is walter
wenger of the academy award committee oh
oh oh mr wenger yes yes are you calling
on official business for the committee
yes i am mr benny and i want you to know
that we did exactly as you requested
you uh you did yes we counted and
recounted those ballots
20 times and paul lucas is still the
winner
goodbye
[Applause]
hmm roger
there's nothing to laugh at all right i
was wrong about winning the award is a
serious business
in totaling the ballots the results can
change up to the last minute
that's too complicated complicated yeah
in my business all you got to do is roll
them out
count them up and that's it
well i'm not interested in your business
besides i'm taking this livingston to a
movie so get out my razor and give me a
shave
oh boys why don't you shave yourself
after all
yesterday i gave you a haircut what are
you talking about
i wasn't even home yesterday what's that
got to do with your hair
well that's the silliest thing i ever
heard of the hair on a toupee
doesn't grow the one you bought doesn't
i'm talking about the one you trapped
yourself
[Music]
oh yes yes i did trap a couple of them
and you better stop wearing the one with
the white stripe down the middle or
you'll lose all your friends
rochester stop being silly and give me a
shave okay but boss do me a favor this
time and break the monotony
what do you mean when i cut you for
heaven's sakes bleed
[Music]
okay okay start shaving when you cut me
nudge me and i'll force myself
miss livingston may get here a little
early so hurry up i want to be ready
when she arrives
oh butterfly butterfly yes miss
livingston
butterfly i can't find my lipstick if
you've seen it no ma'am
uh how about my mascara i haven't seen
that either
that's funny have you seen my false
eyelashes no ma'am
my goodness i can't even find my false
fingernails
butterfly what are you laughing at you
certainly are lost on you
butterfly a lot of girls wear false
eyelashes and things to make them look
prettier
but miss livingston you don't need any
of those things i think you're very
pretty
oh butterfly you're just saying that oh
no miss livingston
and another thing i heard that dorothy
lemur wishes she had something that you
have
really what is it me help is hard to get
you know
i guess you're right now butterfly help
me button up my dress i've got to hurry
over to meet mr benny he's taking me to
a movie
he is yes that's why i'm going to his
house mr benny's taking me to the cameo
theater and it's in that neighborhood
gee the cameo theater yes butterfly have
you been there
not since they raised the price to 15
cents
15 cents oh they had to do that when
they took out the benches and put in the
folding chairs
15 cents he would i'm gonna call up mr
benny and tell him
uh come in oh miss livingston after all
you have ever made
oh i'm sorry butterfly you answered the
door yes ma'am
come in
[Laughter]
oh fine butterflies please go to the
door
yes ma'am mercy goats and those are
ghosts and little lambsy divey
a kimby darby too and you all
[Music]
hello butterfly oh hello miss stanley
is miss livingston in yes here she comes
now
hello mary well hello barbara gee i'm
glad to see you how's bob he's fine i
just heard from him this
say mary am i intruding you look like
you're going out oh
if you want to call it that jack's
taking me to a movie and i just found
out it's a 15-cent one
i'll bet it's the cameo theater it is
the cameo theater has bob ever taken you
there
not since they took out the benches and
put in the folding chairs
oh for heaven's sake i didn't know bob
was cheap too
well he wasn't always mary but he
started running around with jack and he
got some of it on him
[Music]
hmm leave it to benny no kidding mary is
jack really that type
barbara all i know is in scotland when
two scotsman meet
one says to the other say mcgregor did
you hear the new one about jack
benny
anyway i'm gonna call jack and tell him
he can save us 30 cents because i'm not
going to a movie
say wait a minute what are you doing
tonight barbara
nothing good then you come to movies too
and we'll make jack buy tickets for the
three of us would you like to come oh
i'd love it it'll probably be a cowboy
picture and i'll be able to whoop it up
whoop it up yeah i haven't whistled at
anything since i got married
[Music]
well all right let's go oh boy will jack
be sore
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
so
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
well i'm through shaving your boss gosh
rochester what a rough shave you gave me
see my face feels awful did you cut me i
ain't sinned but if i held your nose and
mouth you could still breathe
[Music]
well it's the last time you're gonna
shave me it almost was
you can say that again well that must be
mary now
come in oh hello dennis hello mr benny
what are you doing here kid i had to see
you because i'm still having trouble
about my income tax
dennis i've explained it to you a dozen
times
what did you tell him at the income tax
office i told him what you told me that
i make 186 thousand dollars a week
you you told him that yeah the taxman
figured for three hours and then he said
i owed six and a half million dollars
six and a half million dollars was i
embarrassed i didn't have that much
with me
dennis i've told you over and over again
186 000
is your theoretical salary you actually
get
35 a week oh oh what
i'll probably get a refund i gave him a
check for six and a half million dollars
well don't worry you'll get the whole
thing back
anyway dennis you shouldn't be caught
excuse me kid
well i'm here jack good now we can go to
well hello barbara hello jack how are
you
fine come on in hello dennis hello mr
livingston
barbara i want you to meet dennis day
dennis this is barbara stanley
barbara stanwick gee hello
little man little man she should know
what a wolf i am
[Music]
dennis stop with that silly talk well i
want mrs demick to have respect for me
oh i do respect you dennis and i think
you're very sweet too
you do of course i do would you ask me
for a date if you were sure i'd accept
well i i wouldn't say that you see the
man i like to go out with is
well my husband robert taylor but he's
married
i certainly hope so
[Music]
well come on jack let's get started it's
time we went to the movie
you know mary as long as barbara dropped
in it isn't polite for us to go to the
movies and leave her
here i mean especially
[Music]
especially since they took out the
benches and put in the folding chairs
i didn't mean that anyway i've got two
passes
say
say kids i've got an idea why don't we
stay home and play gin rummy
i don't want to play gin rummy but
barbara wouldn't enjoy the picture it's
a western oh i love a good western
but it's not a good western barber you
see it was made since the beef shortage
and the cattle thieves had a russell
gophers
it's no good well if you don't want to
go we'll go by ourselves come on barbara
all right hey kids would you like to
have my passes no jack we can make a
better deal at the box office
okay now look dennis just a minute
homer stanweek yes
dennis come back here
i wish you wouldn't act so silly what
did i do that was so silly
trying to date a barbara stanwick at
your age it'd be sillier at your age
what what did you say miss stanwick
would have fallen in love with me if it
hadn't been for you
me what did i have to do with it you
don't pay me 186 000
a week well that's the craziest thing i
why would miss stan would fall in love
with a kid like you
i could tell by the way she looked at me
you could tell why that if you and miss
livingston hadn't been here
she couldn't have controlled herself
dennis dennis what's happened to you i
don't know but it feels good
[Music]
what now look at dennis i've had enough
trouble listen i've had just about
enough out of you
you come over to my house eat my fruit
what i've been watching you
[Laughter]
now you go on home and when you feel
like apologizing for the way you acted
you can come back
okay and goodbye goodbye and get your
hand out of that fruit ball
now go home and take it over
i'll show him such a wise guy
he pays me 35 a week treats me like a
kid and expects me to sing good
i'll get even with him next sunday i'll
sing lousy that's what i'll do
you're done right i'll sing like this
[Music]
adios
little girl i must go
[Music]
wait for me
by
[Music]
i met her by the river of the roses
[Music]
i left her by the river all
[Music]
all the roses have faded
since we've been a fart
for the one row she gave me
and someday by the river of the roses
i don't know when but we'll meet again
[Music]
the sweetest girls
till we meet
by the way
[Music]
[Applause]
that wasn't so bad
but i'll sing lousy on the program even
if i have to practice to do it
i'll show mr benny
oh darn it i pass my house
[Laughter]
i always do that
i always do that too
oh well
oh mother mother your mother isn't here
son
who are you your father
oh hello pop hello son
well where have you been i just came
from mr benny's house
i'll take a bath and no one'll notice it
okay say where's mother she went to work
oh who are you betting on strangler
lewis
say pop i just had a big fight with mr
benny about barbara's sandwich oh
barbara stanwick g papa she beautiful
she's got eyes like stars
lips like rubies a figure like venus to
milo on son
stop talking like that in front of your
mother's picture
gee even you're against me everybody's
against me
i'm gonna get undressed and go to bed
i can get along without mr benny believe
me
last week i was on frank sinatra's robot
program
when i stepped out on the stage the
girls screamed louder at me than they
did at sinatra
then frankie told me i forgot my pants
[Music]
frankie said i should have my own
program and i'm gonna have it too
and another thing from now on i'm gonna
listen to fred allen with the door wide
open
no more of that sneaky stuff i'll show
mr
oh benny this bed feels good
i don't need jack benny anyway where
would he be without his violin
i'm gonna have my own program one of
these days and
be a big star and girls are going to be
crazy about me
my own program that's what i'll have
i'll show mr benny my own program
big star girl's crazy about me
big star
[Music]
the grape nuts and grape nuts flakes
program starring dennis day
with winston churchill henry morgenthau
queen elizabeth samuel goldwyn and yours
truly gypsy rose lee
[Music]
i'm a big star now my own program i
don't have to
sing anymore i've got the best in show
business
take it don and now ladies and gentlemen
we'll open the dennis day program
with a song by nelson harris and
jeanette mclivingston
little children love grape that's great
spanish little children love grape nuts
franks
maddie's little cheering upgrade nuts
grape nuts man these little children
love grape nuts fruits
oh well i'll put on the sugar
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
thank you thank you that was a cup of
coffee a grape nut and you
sung by flat top and mrs prune face
very good too and now folks for our
feature attraction tonight
i'll take it hello hello
i'd like to speak to dennis day please
this is miss stanley miss stanweek
gee just a minute please it's for you
dennis it's barbara stanwy
oh is that dame calling again
she drives me nuts tell her i'm not in
but dennis
you heard me fat boy tell her i'm not in
okay uh miss stanwick i'm sorry but mr
day isn't the end
i know he's there i know it i heard his
voice tell him i've got to speak to him
please
please yes ma'am dennis she insists i'm
talking to you
oh all right i'll give her a thrill
hello dennis dennis i must talk to you
it's urgent oh hello urgent
[Music]
no no it's barbara oh well what do you
want kid
dennis dennis i haven't heard from you
in five days
what's the matter what's happened
between us you've been neglecting me
you've changed to this you're not the
same i know
it i can feel it if there's anything
if there's anything i should know i wish
you'd tell me
well if you must know i don't love you
anymore kid
oh how can you do this to me dennis
after
17 years
oh i must see you alone someplace where
we can talk
meet me at the brown derby the brown
derby okay goodbye
goodbye darling hmm oh well i might as
well meet her and get this over with
[Music]
gee it's crowded here at the brown derby
a table for mr dave a table to mr dave
table for mister today
a day for mr table a day for mr taylor
today for mr table a derby for mr brown
a derby for mr brown how derpy for mr
day it's dummy day
but darling darling has been five days
five whole days since i've seen you it
was never like this before never
not so loud people are listening let's
order something to eat
oh waiter waiter yes mr dave
what will you have sir 186 thousand
dollars on whole wheat toast
yes sir and what will you have madame
the same thing
and hold the toast yes
but first would you mind standing up for
a minute why
we're taking out the benches and putting
in folding chairs
and thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
oh dennis it's been such a wonderful
evening
just being near you again has given me
something to live for
well i'm sorry barbara but this is the
end i'm never gonna see you again
oh no no dennis darling don't say that
you mustn't say that i love you i love
you you mustn't leave me you
mustn't
tell me more you fascinate me
oh you're cruel you're heartless you're
selfish
you're urgent
then goodness you're making fun of me
you're toying with my emotions you're
tormenting me
if you leave me now i'll kill myself do
you hear i'll kill myself
you wouldn't dare oh yes i won do you
see this gun
yeah well tell me that you love me or
i'll shoot myself right now
well say you love me or i'll shoot
myself
well i love you
[Music]
oh my goodness she did it she killed
herself
but it wasn't my fault i'm not to blame
i'm not to blame
oh yes you are
i'm not who said that
i did
i saw you dennis day you killed her no i
didn't mr benny really i didn't she
killed herself you drove her to her and
you'll sit and fry in the elect great
chair
no i won't no i won't barbara barbara
speak to me
you killed her she's dead barbara speak
to me
speak to me lsmft
you killed her you killed her get away
from me get away from me
mother or mother father
[Music]
father father father
what's the matter son what's the matter
what are you screaming about
oh father i just had the most horrible
nightmare oh
is that all for a minute i thought your
mother'd come home
all right now go back to sleep okay good
night pop
good night
[Music]
say butterfly a butterfly tell me
something
yes mr wilson is that really true about
the cameo theater i mean
that it only cost 15 cents oh yes mr
wilson
jerome and i used to go and sit right
through till breakfast time oh my
goodness did you get awfully tired
yes we did mr wilson but then we'd go
out and eat a good breakfast
well that's fine then you could do a
better job yes
we could go back to the cameo theater
and stay all
day oh butterfly how you talk
but friends a good breakfast one that
features crisp crunchy molly rich grape
nuts
will help you do a better job no matter
what the job is
or grape nuts bring you all around whole
grain nourishment
one kind of nourishment you need every
day and grape nuts have such a
distinctive texture
such a wonderful sweet as a nut flavor
they're fun to eat down to the last
crisp kernel in the dish so if you want
to sit all day at the movies
eat a good breakfast do a better job and
be sure to include
delicious moldy rich grape nuts
well folks we'll be with you next sunday
night at the same time and i want to
thank warner brothers for allowing
dennis day to dream about
barbara stanway good goodnight folks