[Music]
hello friends welcome to this day in
jack benny
i'm john henderson this episode is from
march 14
1954. this episode actually recycles the
script from a 1950 episode
with a few minor changes from the
original
oh it's phil hi jackson dennis hello
libby i haven't seen you since you fell
off at kansas city
coming or going well lee still got back
on
remley missed the train entirely in
chicago well you can blame that on
jackson's program on my program yeah
they keep hollering be happy go lucky
and remi over does it
in 1954 march 15th was tax day
all of us should be willing to pay
whatever taxes are necessary
to enable efficient government to
improve or expand
any essential service in the theaters
that weekend you could see humphrey
bogart in a new movie
a lighthearted adventure called beat the
devil where do you suppose we are
africa what part of africa yes that's
important what part
not a bad place to land no customs no
forms to fill out
jimmy stewart could be seen playing the
famous band leader
in the glenn miller story mr krantz that
uh string of pearls down there how much
you say that was
he just got his trombone out of
right away he wants to buy a
hundred dollar necklace and gary
cooper's latest movie was the western
blowing wild you were supposed to be on
that boat why weren't you i didn't know
there was a law i had to get out of town
there's no law i had to give you 200
either then there was character actor
walter pigeon
still a few things to be worked out but
i'm sure you can handle them in this
episode they reference an old song
when the swallows come back to
capistrano
[Music]
and a couple of advertising jingles one
for gillette razor blades
do you have plenty higher fixed for
plates you'd better look
please make sure you have enough
cause a worn-out blade makes shaving
mighty tough
and if you listen carefully to this
episode you'll notice they spoof the
pepsi cola jingle
pepsi cola hits the spots 12 full ounces
that's a lot
twice as much foreign
20 questions had long been a popular
party game
and here in the early 50s it was also a
television game show
a human being yes is he living
subject is living is he in the field of
politics or statesmanship
nope at this time jack benny was both on
radio
and television his tv show was produced
by the ad agency
baton barton durston and osborne
dorothy collins did the lucky strike
commercials friends
smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste and the fact of the matter
is keys taste better cleaner faster
[Music]
on tv jack benny started off the year
with liberace as his guest star
at one point they play a duet we'd like
to play a number
that i recorded that we've had many
requests for
jack plays the violin with a big smile
on his face
to match liberace's famous smile
if you'd like to contact me you can
email jackpennypodcast
gmail.com and on twitter it's at
thisdaybenny
and you can listen to a whole bunch of
old episodes by subscribing to the
podcast
or going to thisdaybenny.com
so enjoy the show taste better
cleaner fresher smoother more lucky
strike means tobacco richard tasting
my tobacco luckies taste better cleaner
fresher smoother
strike thank you this is don wilson
friends
of all the reasons a person has for
smoking one stands at the very head of
the list
that reason is enjoyment
why certainly you smoke for enjoyment
and what gives you enjoyment why it's
the taste of the cigarette
yes smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste
and the fact of the matter is lucky's
taste better cleaner fresher
smoother lucky's taste better for two
reasons that have really made
cigarette history first they're made of
fine tobacco
ls mft lucky strike means fine tobacco
fine naturally mild good tasting tobacco
then luckies are made better made round
and firm and fully packed to draw freely
and smoke evenly
yes indeed made with fine tobacco
made better those are your reasons for
always asking for luckies
those are the things that make lucky's
taste better
so be happy go lucky next time you're
shopping ask for a carton of lucky
strike
be happy go lucky get better
taste today
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
the lucky strike program starring jack
benny with barry livingston rochester
dennis day bob crosby and yours truly
don wilson
[Music]
[Applause]
ladies and gentlemen jack benny and his
cast are returning from their trip to
new york
at the moment they're in mary's
compartment aboard the super chief
playing 20 questions
[Music]
now let's see mary we've used up 16
questions and we found that you're
thinking of something that's animal
he's very famous in show business and is
over six feet
tall that's right oh i know jimmy
stewart
no gary cooper yep
well we guessed that one
now let's see it's your turn dennis okay
i got a good one
is it animal mineral or vegetable it's
animal i think
you think yeah is a bird considered an
animal
certainly hey mary mary this silly kid
just gave himself away
watch this uh tell me dennis is that a
bird
uh-huh is he married you see
yeah dennis is this bird extinct no
there's um is this bird found in america
yes
a sparrow no robin
no wait a minute dennis
is this a very large bird uh-huh
an eagle no
a buzzard no look dennis wait
john wait a minute down hold it hold it
i think i've got it dennis
does this bird go to capistrano quite
frequently
yes yes it's a swallow
no
[Music]
no no does everybody give up i do
oh i give up me too what is it
what's a pigeon
walk walter pigeon
dennis how can you say he's a bird i
read in the paper where he just flew to
new york
all right dennis you thought he was a
bird because his name is pigeon and he
just flew to new york
but how can you say that he frequently
goes to capistrano
his mother lives there
that's the silliest thing i ever heard
jack
it's your turn now i know and i've got a
good one you'll never guess this one
go ahead all you smart guys start
guessing okay jack
is it animal mineral or vegetable animal
is it alive yeah a human being
has it got a mustache yeah
bald bald yeah i got it
no it couldn't be who are you thinking
of
my girl but you don't know her
[Music]
now come on come on kids put on your
thinking cap ah let's see
he's a man with a mustache is he in show
business
yes does he make pictures yeah
one of his pictures currently showing
uh-huh
i know he's herman quigley the assistant
cameraman on the humphrey bogart's new
picture beat the devil
gee that's right but how in the world
you ever guess herman quigley
it was obvious what do you mean obvious
yeah just before you went to new york
you ran into him at the brown derby he'd
forgotten his wallet
you loaned him a dollar and a half and
he's been on your mind ever since
yeah gee i hope he pays me back the
money
look his watch doesn't even keep good
time
it's your turn don oh you better skip me
for a few minutes i want to go back to
my compartment and see if the porter
took all the dishes out
now why is it whenever we're on a train
you never eat in the diner you always
have your meals served in your
compartment
my wife makes me do that why she doesn't
want people to see what a pig i am
[Music]
well hurry back down so we can continue
with the game okay
hey kids kids i'm glad don's gone i've
got a trick i want to play on them yeah
yeah what is it what is it well you know
don
he's always thinking about lucky strikes
so when we play the game again and it's
his turn
he's sure to pick lucky's and we'll make
believe we can't guess it
what makes you so sure he'll pick lucky
strikes because he never thinks of
anything else
in fact when he went on his honeymoon he
registered at the hotel as don wilson
and cigarette
[Music]
so remember when he comes back we'll
trick him gee mr benny do you think
that's much fun
you mean tricking down no going on a
honeymoon with a cigarette
oh keep quiet hey that's him now don't
forget kids
come in oh it's bob crosby
hi jack hello denny hello mary say bob
where have you been keeping yourself oh
i've been the
in the lounge with bag b fletcher and
some of the other boys in the band were
playing a game called uh two questions
no no bob you mean 20 questions no
two questions ginger ale or straight
a lot i should have known i haven't seen
bagby since he fell off at kansas city
coming or going oh he fell off going
too well at least bagby got back on
remley missed the train entirely in
chicago well you can blame that on
jack's program
blame it on my program yeah they keep
singing be happy-go-lucky and remily
overdoes it
well look bob whether he overdoes it or
not as soon as we arrive in los angeles
we're going right to the studio for
rehearsal
and if he isn't there i'm going to dock
him two-week salary oh you can't scare
rem with that kind of stuff you know he
comes from a very wealthy family
remember i didn't know that why
certainly his father made a fortune
growing sweet potatoes
sweet potatoes he's got the biggest yam
plantation in texas
oh what he said
he said yam
say jack i've been uh i've been meaning
to ask you why have you got that black
band on your arm well tomorrow is march
15th
you know
[Music]
well i better get back and check on the
fellers i'll see you all later all right
so long bob
now dennis while we're waiting for don
how about letting us hear the song
you're going to do our next sunday show
all right but i'd like to dedicate the
song to my girl your girl
okay what's the name of the song how you
fix the blades
now cut that out
and just do your song okay
[Applause]
[Music]
an irishman an irishman will steal your
heart away
he'll be wnb guy you with this
hallelujah
when that rogue turns on the brogue your
heart will go astray
oh an irishman an irishman will steal
your heart
away an englishman has manners
an englishman has charm they say it's
truly difficult
to raffle his plum he'll hurt you and
he'll kiss you
but wherever he may be at four o'clock
he'll have to stop
to sip a cup of tea but
an irishman an irishman will steal your
heart away
he'll be devil you and began you with
his hall hullabaloo ballet
when that road turns on the rogue your
heart will go astray
oh an irishman an irishman will steal
your heart away
italian men are fiery italian men are
warm
and when they love the love with all the
fury of a storm
but you can turn the flame to ice and
make them run for life
for all you've got to do is eat a
spaghetti with a knife
an irishman an irishman will steal your
heart away
he'll be devil you and beguile you with
this hallelujah
when that rogue turns on the brogue your
heart will go astray
oh an irishman an irishman will steal
your heart away
a frenchman is romantic and the french
chefs have
failed when he makes love to you it's
always
territory debonair
he'll say to you to move my life and you
depends
but next day he'll be making love to
two of your best
an friends an irishman will steal your
heart away
he'd be devil you and beguile you with
this hullabaloo ballet
when that rogue turns on the brogue your
heart will go astray
oh and irishman and irishmen will steal
your heart
away the german man is steady
the german man is smart for he'll come
around and around again
to win the fireline's heart
but you can lose him easily and make him
hide his face
when he comes around to see you tell him
this is not
the place
an irishman an irishman will steal your
hires away
he'll be wnp
turns on the road your heart will go
this way oh an irishman
an irishman will steal your heart
all
[Laughter]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
that was very very good dennis i know
it'll be fine on the show
sunday oh kids that must be don wilson
remember
remember the trick we're going to play
on him what is it again well when it's
his turn you know he's sure to give us
lucky strikes so nobody guess it
nobody guessed that it's lucky strike
come in
right kids you're still playing 20
questions yes don and you're just in
time it's your turn oh good
i've already got something on my mind so
start guessing okay
get this mary don is this thing you're
thinking of nearly three inches long
about a half an
inch thick and white in color yes yes
is it round and firm and fully packed
yes yes oh it's amazing the way you
people are guessing it
isn't it though
is it free and easy on the draw yes yes
now come on now come on come on you're
getting warm you're getting warm
an electric blanket
no g.i i thought it was an electric
banker too didn't you marry
yeah well look don is this thing you're
thinking about
associated with the letters ls mft yes
yes yes yes that's it yes
now let's see gee this is too hard i
give up
i do too me too
all for heaven's sakes kids how can you
possibly give up when you're so close
why when you guessed it was almost three
inches long white in color
i was sure you knew what it was well we
don't don
do we marry come on tell us what is it
oh all right it's a piece of chalk
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
uh a piece of chalk don wilson you were
thinking of a lucky strike and you know
it no i wasn't jacked now wait a minute
i'll admit the chalk is white and could
be three inches long
i'll also admit that it's round and firm
and fully packed
but how in the name of dorothy collins
are the letters lsmft associated with a
piece of chalk but they are
jack lsmft stands for leibowitz sanders
mcintyre findlay and tidal bomb
the biggest chalk manufacturers in the
world
[Laughter]
you're not mad are you jack no no don no
i'm not mad in fact
i've i've got to give you credit you've
got a lot of brains
but then it takes a lot to fill that big
fat head of you
[Music]
chalk maker oh come on let's get on with
the game
whose turn is it now nobodies i'm not
playing anymore
i'm going to the club car and read for a
while see you later
largest chalk manufacturers in the world
don just made that up
[Music]
libra with sanders mcintyre finley and
title bomb
that's almost as far-fetched as batman
barton durston and little old osborne
oh well be happy
go lucky be happy
lucky strike today
hey we'll be in albuquerque soon gee
that'll be a
126 dollars worth of my ticket used up
[Music]
be happy go lucky be happy
see i didn't think the club car was so
whoops oh
oh pardon me lady my certainly
say aren't you jack benny aren't you yes
yes i
i am i am mr benny would you mind
autographing this magazine for my
granddaughter
your granddaughter i'll be glad to there
you are
are you going to los angeles yes i'm
going to visit my son in beverly hills
perhaps you know him he's a competitor
of yours
oh is he a comedian no he owns the
laundry
oh he's an awfully good boy
he's having me come all the way out from
chicago just to celebrate my
birthday that's tomorrow oh how
nice a happy birthday how old how old
will you be
39
[Music]
oh you're teasing me yes i am i'm really
72. well then why
why do you tell people you're 39 it gets
laughs
[Music]
oh oh i see well goodbye and thanks for
the autograph
you're welcome goodbye that's my
fountain pen
oh oh i'm sorry
i'm terribly sorry here you are sorry
gee for an old lady she's got eyes like
a
hawk
be happy go lucky be happy
lucky strike today yeah
california sure nice place to live sam
oh oh there's rochester
he's in there talking to the porter i'm
gonna stay here and listen to this
uh how long have you been working for mr
benny rochester 12 years
6 months and 14 weeks oh how come you
know the time
so exactly my friend when you're in mr
benny's employer you don't get money you
get
service stripes
well rochester if he ain't paying you
much why don't you leave him
oh i'd never leave mr benny he may have
his faults but
deep down inside he's the kindest man i
know really
yeah i'll never forget the time i had
pneumonia i was so
sick for a full week i had 105
fever and all that time mr benny stayed
right with me
fed me and nursed me no kidding and then
at two o'clock one morning i
passed the crisis my fever broke and my
temperature went down to normal
mr benny looked at me smiled and said
rochester you're gonna be all right then
he yanked me out of bed and shoved a
broom in my hand
you know rochester this isn't the first
time mr benny's been on one of my cars
i've made the trip with him cross
country several times
man it's murder
oh i don't mind the fact that he don't
tip much but whenever he's aboard the
train's always
15 or 20 minutes late now a couple of
years ago he insisted that the train
make an unscheduled stop at newton
kansas
then once he made a stop for half an
hour at gallup new mexico
once he set the super chief back a whole
hour when he got off at trinidad
colorado
and this trip i heard him tell the
conductor to make another unscheduled
stop
at flagstaff arizona yeah yeah
has he got relatives in all those places
no
bank accounts
[Music]
i wish he wouldn't discuss my private
affairs
rochester i can't understand why mr
bennett keeps saving his money like that
he's not married he's got no family no
children who's he gonna leave it to what
makes you think he's gonna leave it
rochester oh hello oh oh oh yes
rochester i heard what you were saying
and if you don't behave yourself
you're not going to get that new gold
stripe this year
i'll be up in the club car in case you
want to see me yes
[Music]
she had a good time in new york looked
up all my old friends
ate in those wonderful restaurants my
sponsor was so nice to me
i spent over 20 minutes in his office
he let me sit down this time
he's a nice guy and be happy
go lucky be happy
lucky strike today oh look at that cute
little boy
hello little boy hello mister what's
your name
my name is say aren't you jack benny
why yes yes i am i recognized you from
your television show
really uh-huh i saw that one with
liberace
and it was great when you played your
violin thanks very much
thanks i mean you're thanking me
for playing the violin yeah the next day
my mother let me stop taking lessons
[Music]
well goodbye little boy goodbye mr benny
and thanks again you're welcome you're
welcome
see the club car's crowded oh there's a
vacant seat next to that man over there
excuse me mister do you mind if i sit
here no no no no no not at all glad to
have company
well thank you
well here's a late newspaper i think
sure is exciting on the road
i'm traveling for watson's woolen
underwear
watson's woolen underwear sure you must
have heard of us we advertise on the
radio
really watson's woolens fit you snug
keep you warm there's a bug and a rug
one flap button instead of two
watson's woolens are the buy for you
[Applause]
[Music]
oh yes i
i know that program it features spade
cooley and his itchy seven
how's business not so good was even bad
in chicago last week
chicago's always been a great underwear
town
windy city you know
i know what you mean oh are you in
underwear too
not today it's a little warm
have you been in the underwear business
very long mr mr
and marge mr marge have you been in the
underwear business very long no
no just a few months i used to travel
for the firm of leibowitz sanders
mcintyre findlay and title box
[Laughter]
oh yes the chalk manufacturer hey you've
been around
oh i've traveled quite a bit well so
long mr mars so long
enjoy talking to you and don't forget
watson's woolen spit you snug keep you
warm it's a bug in a rock
one flap button instead of two watsons
other buy for you tickle tickle tickle
tickle tickle
[Applause]
[Music]
see what an eager beaver
well i think i'll go to bed we arrive in
los angeles so early
yeah no doubt about you sure have an
interesting job sam
hmm rochester's still talking to that
porter yeah you're right rochester
i've been across the continent over a
hundred times guys
you must know every inch of it yeah and
america's an amazing country
it has harlem on the east coast central
avenue on the west coast
and all that waste in between
[Music]
and it's the truth well sam don't forget
our date the first saturday night you're
in los
angeles we'll go out with those two
girlfriends of yours okay
first we'll have dinner and then we'll
take them to the hollywood bowl
but rochester this time of the year
there's nothing going on at the
hollywood bowl
we'll change that
all rochester oh yes boys i'm going to
bed make sure that my luggage is all
ready when i get off tomorrow
i will good night boys good night oh uh
mr benny
yeah are you going to get off at los
angeles or pasadena
pasadena i always get a bigger reception
there
good night good night
ladies and gentlemen here's a reminder
from the national highway safety council
when driving remember that courtesy is
contagious
the careful driver always considers the
careless driver
the golden rule applies to driving too
drive as you would have the other fellow
drive
and please remember when you're in your
car be a wise driver
not a wise guy thank you
jack we'll be back in just a minute but
first do you remember the winner of last
year's twenty five thousand dollar
tamichana golf tournament
lou worsham here he is to get a word in
wedge-wise
hello folks the club that i have in my
hand is a double service wedge
you'll remember that i made one of the
most lucrative shots that i have ever
made
with this club during the tamashana
tournament
i used this club at the last hole from
115 or 20 yards away
and made one of the luckiest shots of my
whole life
other golfers might have chosen an 8 or
a 9 iron
to play this shot to me the wedge has
been one of my favorites
on that day that was a lucky choice
and when it comes to cigarettes my
choice
luckies they taste better lou worsham is
right
smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste and the fact of the matter is
luckies taste better because lucky
strike
means fine tobacco and luckies are made
better
so be happy go lucky ask for a carton of
lucky strike
luckies taste better cleaner fresher
smoother strike
[Music]
well rochester here we are home again
yeah four weeks is a long time believe
me i
i got sick and tired eating at those
restaurants it's good being home i'm a
little hungry how about a nice
home-cooked meal
okay boys i'll do it right now good what
are you gonna fix me
well i'll fix you some veal cutlets with
sour cream
a side dish of asparagus with sour cream
a nice baked potato with chives and sour
cream
and for dessert strawberries and sour
cream
but rocha why does everything have to
have sour cream when we left i forgot to
stop the milk
[Music]
well go ahead and fix it good night
folks
[Applause]
the joint penny program is written by
sam perrin milt josephsburg george
balzer
john tackleberry al gordon hal goldman
and produced and transcribed by hilliard
marks
the jack benny program is brought to you
by lucky strike product of the american
tobacco company
america's leading manufacturer of
[Music]
cigarettes
[Music]
you