[Music]
hello friends
welcome to this day in jack benny i'm
john henderson
this episode is from february 8 1942.
there was a movie theater on sunset
boulevard in los angeles called
the oriental theater like many theaters
at the time
one day a week they held a sweepstakes
anybody could enter to win a prize
but you had to be at the theater to
collect it
or it would be given to somebody else
and since you were already at the
theater
you might as well see a movie like gene
autry
in cowboy serenade
[Music]
on the radio you could hear
ventriloquist edgar bergen
and his dummy charlie mccarthy you know
i'm packing plenty of iron
is that so and i got a date with miguel
the sweetheart of tuvarist
is that so yeah
that's for me
there was the comedy team of abbott and
costello you know what i'm worried about
why octopus octopuses yeah that's a fish
with eight faces how do you figure that
out
well octo is eight yes and a push is a
push
come on please comedian phil baker
didn't think i'd ever get here i've
never seen such traffic in my life
it was so bad on broadway tonight there
were two women marooned on a safety
island
airplanes overhead dropping them
sandwiches and powder puffs and things
it was
the family program the great
gildersleeve oh
what have i gotten myself into gee
what's wrong huh
i don't know anything about auto motors
leroy and of course comedian and jack
benny's greatest rival
fred allen this is fred allen saying
good night for the more than 45
000 texaco dealers from coast to coast
inviting you to tune in again next
wednesday night
good night his program was actually
going to be moving
from wednesdays to sundays and of course
all these radio programs relied heavily
on the sound effects oh what would we do
without the sound effects man that radio
racket here
tune your dial and listen a while this
is what you'll hear
there's a knock up on the door that's
the sound of expand
here's a kiss and maybe more that's the
sound effects man
if you'd like a ring he'll give you a
ding ding ding
and even in the early morning you'll
hear him blowing his horn
then his old maxwell chugging right
along
that's the sound of thanks man he has
gadgets by the score from a peanut
whistle to a cannon's roar
when fever runs to open that closet door
look out
[Music]
gotta straighten out that closet one of
these days
these days the politically correct term
is inuit
rather than eskimo and we wouldn't be so
quick to make jokes based on stereotypes
of a group of people
and the time change for daylight savings
was the following day
if you'd like to contact me you can
email jackbennypodcast
gmail.com or on twitter it's at this day
benny
and you can also listen to hundreds of
jack benny episodes
at thisdaybenny.com so grab a bowl of
jello pudding and enjoy the show
the jello program brought to you by
jello and jello pudding starring jack
benny
with barry livingston phil harris dennis
day rochester and yours truly don wilson
the orchestra opens the program with
free for all
[Music]
[Applause]
that was free for all played by the
orchestra and now ladies and gentlemen
as you all know daylight saving time
goes into effect tomorrow
and clocks throughout the country will
be moved one hour ahead
that's right so without further ado we
bring you a man who will have only 11
hours sleep tonight instead of his usual
12 jack benny
thank you thank you again this is jack
benny talking
and don i don't know where you got the
impression that i sleep 12 hours a night
i'm up bright and early in the morning
the same as everybody else yes
jack but look at the time you go to bed
by nine o'clock
every night you're in dreamland and not
on wednesday night
they don't raffle off the plymouth at
the oriental until 9
30.
by the time i get through arguing with
the manager it's usually two in the
morning
well what's the idea of arguing with the
manager listen don i've been going to
that theater for years now it's about
time i want to slab a bacon or something
anything you mean as often as you've
gone there you've never won a prize
well my number was called on two
different occasions
but um oh forget it no no no jack no
jack what happened
well you see down when they call your
number you have to get up to the stage
within 60 seconds
well the first time i didn't get there
fast enough
and the second time i was disqualified
for wearing roller skates
i missed out on a case of minute tapioca
[Music]
anyway don getting back to your
introduction you'll have to admit that
it was hardly fair
oh come now jack just because you get to
bed late on wednesday night that doesn't
make your night owl
well it's not only wednesday big boy uh
you know um
you know what time i hit the hay last
night 4 am 4 am my goodness were you out
night clubbing
no it was mr billingsley's fault he was
playing soldier outside my bedroom door
and
just because i didn't know the password
he wouldn't let me in
uh i'll know it uh i'll know it tonight
believe me what is the password jack
well it's it's not exactly a word don i
just have to go
[Music]
a couple of times oh hello mary hello
jack what are you
bringing about oh it's just a password
thank heaven i thought radio had finally
smacked you down
no no nothing like that my ears ring
frequently but that's about
all that's good
say jack did you tell don the bad news
not yet what bad news
well on a kind of daylight saving next
week jack is going gonna dock us all one
hour's pay
one hour's pay it's only for the
duration
you'll get it back as soon as the war is
over the hour or the money
both it's wartime is there any more
objection just read your contract who
can read it you got
one whole page written in eskimo
well mine too now what's the big idea
because when the contracts were drawn up
my lawyers happened to be smith smythe
mullen and mooseface
now drop it leave it to benny to get a
lawyer that can spear fish for him too
mary i retain moose face by the year
what's he going to do when someone isn't
suing me just sit around
be reasonable say uh jack what does that
eskimo applause in our contract
mean i i've never had it translated i
have it says uh
actor who want rays can put high heels
on snowshoes
well that's not a literal translation
but that's the gist of it
and i don't want you all reading your
contract if i hear another word about
contracts i'll scream
uh virgil bird you'll just make with the
noise or no dialogue you're only the
sound man here well i get more fan mail
than you you old chin type
get away from that microphone now beat
it oh jack stop picking on virgil he's
very important to
our show and you know it important yes
in all our plays he opens doors rings
bells shoots guns oh
and when you're supposed to walk down
the street where'd you walk for you
virgil walks for me well any sound man
can do that with your flat feet that's
hard daddy
[Laughter]
virgil i told you to get away from that
mice i never saw a guy with
hey jack here comes night school joe oh
yes sir
our french student hello phil bonfire
folks von swire hello jacquies
jacquies and marie and doon
doom phil a dune is a great big pile of
sand
but i guess you're right
[Music]
anyway why don't you cut out that french
the stuff you say doesn't even make
sense well i learned a new one this week
get a load of this jackson
ma or cash travis don dune
soupier hmm what does that mean
my orchestra works in the soup to ring
your orchestra works in the soup terrain
yeah that's as close as i could get to
build more bowls
well phil don't you think that before
taking up a foreign language you ought
to learn how to speak english
and what's wrong with my english may i
ask you're kidding of course
[Music]
and now folks oh i ain't what's wrong
with my english
phil i met a fiji islander once with a
ring in his nose
who had only been in this country three
weeks and he speaks better english than
you do
much better well then i gotta get one of
them rings
it won't help you believe me let him get
one this is an emergency
mary if phil ever puts a ring in his
nose alice will
snap a leash on it sure as anything and
now folks phil harris and his 18
dreamboats will entertain us with a band
number
hit it phil oui amigo
phil amigo is spanish you're talking
spanish now then i want more money
oh play clay go ahead
hold it a minute come in mr benny yes
do you recognize me no i don't well
that's my fault i should never have
taken that ring out of my nose
get out of here he's a fiji islander all
right look at that bushy head of hair
[Laughter]
play amigo
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
uh
right
[Music]
foreign
deep in the heart
so
[Music]
that was a medley of deep in the heart
of texas and the eyes of texas are upon
you
played by phil harris and his orchestra
who may be heard nightly except sunday
in the soup terrine of the biltmore bowl
[Music]
say phil uh that medley was really
thrilling uh how'd you happen to play it
well i got a lot of powell from texas
and i don't want him to forget me
oh yes you and the boys work down there
every summer don't you yeah last year we
did one night stands in fort worth
dallas and galveston
and then we played three months in van
horn
three months eh yeah that's what they
gave my guitar player for stealing the
cow
uh uh stealing a cow well he didn't
exactly steal it he tried to elope with
it you know how frank he is when he
drinks
[Laughter]
he must have eloped with that guitar too
it's got gene audrey's name on it
now let's see um let's see where are we
well it's about time for my play isn't
it jack
oh yes yes your play and now folks uh mr
don wilson that eminent american author
has written another of his famous one
act plays take it dune wilson
ladies and gentlemen the scene is the
honeymoon cottage of a young couple who
have just been married
the bride played by mary livingston
mary
is awaiting the arrival of her husband
for whom she has just prepared her first
dinner
we take you now to the home of mr and
mrs typical
americans
oh dear it's seven o'clock and my
husband isn't home yet
ah here he comes now hello sweetheart
hello
did you have a busy day at the office
typical
[Music]
oh awful that fresh boss of mine had me
sitting on her knee all day
i'm a secretary folks well look what's
on the table are you working a jigsaw
puzzle darling
no that's your dinner yike
so you surprised me eh darling yes sit
down tippy
my this looks so good uh what would you
like with your dinner sweetheart coffee
tea or milk
milk please okay
[Music]
virgil the cow has milked already
[Music]
the milk's in the bottle now pay
attention
well look at those homemade biscuits
look at those homemade biscuits did you
make them yourselves yes take this
hammer and butter them
they are they are a little cementy
and my goodness look at this platter of
meat you'll love it dear it's swiss
steak
swiss steak
virgil what's the matter with you you're
spawning the illusion
now sit down and take that alpine hat
off your head the cheese too
yes the whole darn outfit now let us
alone so we can eat
30 minutes later
calling all cars calling all cars go to
the home of typical american he has a
beautiful wife and a cute indigestion
[Music]
darling what's the matter typical
typical speak to me
poor boy well it looks like i'll have to
eat this bowl of tempting and economical
jello
all by myself oh no you don't give me
some of that too
even you can make jello right
[Music]
i thank you
don that was really marvelous how did
you ever think of such a clever
commercial
well i was sleeping on my back last
night and i dreamt it
well tummy down tonight please
not not that i didn't like it don but
well
i thought you were lost dennis where
were you kid i'm not a kid anymore i
just fell in a manhole
oh fine he fell in a manhole fell in a
manhole that makes him a man
i suppose if you fell in a gopher hole
you'd be a gopher yeah
jack fell in a rat hole one
anyway i'm uh i'm glad you got here
dennis and now ladies and gentlemen oh
say mr benny have i got a surprise for
you
have i got a surprise
uh later later kid for our feature
attraction this
what do you mean surprise here read this
i cut it out a radio column
let's see it also
well i'll be darned get a load of this
fellas
it is reported officially from new york
that starting march 8th
fred allen will switch the time of his
broadcast
from wednesday to sunday night
imagine well i knew that he's replacing
the sunday evening symphony hour
allen's replacing the symphony hour well
they better tell everybody in advance
or when they hear alan's voice they'll
think it's an old bassoon left over
anyway if alan goes on the air sundays
i'm going off
i can make a darn good living out of
pictures oh how many postcards of your
house do you sell a week
plenty sister anyway i don't want alan
on the air the same day as i
am but jack there are a lot of comedians
beside you on sunday night one more
won't hurt
a lot of comedians name one edgar bergen
and charlie mccarthy that's two
name one
[Laughter]
now i i i dare you oh jack you know very
well that edgar bergen plays both parts
mccarthy is a dummy
oh so you're falling for that stuff too
eh
i happen to know that charlie mccarthy
is just as much flesh and blood as i am
on flash i won't argue
no argument on blood either i got plenty
in my veins
mr benny is right i gave him a
transfusion yesterday
you didn't give me anything i paid you
five dollars a gallon
[Laughter]
now be quiet gee i'm so weak i can
hardly stand up well
well it's your own fault you didn't say
when
[Laughter]
anyway anyway i've
i've got to do something about alan gosh
i'm fizzy
dennis dennis eat liver you'll get it
back
i know what mary mary get me mr john
swallow on the phone his private
extension is 309.
okay i'm going to nip this in the bud
he's the program manager i'm going to
straighten out this allen sunday night
situation
i don't get mad often but when i do
hello
hello mr swat oh hello mr smaller where
did you get back from catholic give me
that phone
give me that phone
hello mr swallow this is jack benny
see i just found out something and i'd
like to talk to you about it now i'm not
going to stand for anything i'm glad you
called jack
williams the uh the sensor tells me he's
been having a little trouble with you
trouble with the sensor who me yes now
jack when he tells you to take a joke
out of your program don't argue about it
take it out why wait a minute mr swallow
are you referring to the gag we were
going to do about cooking flapjacks on a
griddle
i certainly am and you ought to be
ashamed of yourself
well well for heaven's sake what's wrong
with cooking
flapjacks on a griddle the word griddle
sounds exactly like girdle
sounds exactly mr swallow i defy you
mr williams or oscar of the waldorf to
cook flapjacks on a girdle
it can't be done that's not the point
the line is still
double on tundra and don't pull that
phil harris stop
i like that griddle gag very much well
it's definitely out
all right all right goodbye goodbye hmm
harmless little gag about hotcakes and i
can't even do it
well come on dennis sing your song well
what'd you do about fred allen
who oh my goodness i forgot all about
him
i'll take it up later well come on come
on dennis let's have a song
okay get so burned up lately i must be
getting high blood pressure
with my blood yet
oh quiet sing there must be some way of
fixing that sunday night thing
this love of mine
[Music]
since you have heard
you're always on my mind
it's lonesome
i cry my heart
to break
[Music]
since
[Applause]
[Music]
this love
[Music]
since
[Music]
m
[Music]
that was this love of mine sung by
dennis day and very good dennis sure and
it was wonderful begotter
and now ladies and gentlemen well dennis
your blood is working on them
yes it is at that yeah i wish there
wasn't such a tight rod we'd all get a
raise
hooray i've got an alibi and now for uh
zach what are you gonna do about the
fred allen situation yeah you're gonna
let that guy get away with it
well i've been thinking it over
gentlemen and i'm going to form a little
group that'll take care of him
the s-a-a-l-c what's that
stand for sunday artists against low
comedy
i'm going to send letters to bergen
abbott and costello phil baker
gildersleeve and all of them what about
me i'm a sunday artist
you're a sunday well i'm having enough
trouble with mr swallow
but i'll have my lawyer send you a
letter anyhow it only costs ten dollars
to join that eskimo isn't getting any
ten dollars out of me sugarfoot
who asked you now get this straight
virgil you're not a comedian
you're a sound man and not a very good
one at that i don't know why i don't
yank that wig right off your head
you lay one hand on me and you'll oh
jack stop pointing at your glasses he
won't hit you
never mind i got more important things
to do than argue with this guy
until march 8th i'll be working day and
night you mean to say that you're going
to all this trouble just to keep allen
off the air sundays
i owe it to the public it's a crusade
that's what it is well gee i don't know
what all this fuss is about
personally i think mr allen is wonderful
dennis you're fired
anyway don get out get out scram kids
anyway don i think i'll send you leave
the music here dennis it's not yours
anyway don get back in the manhole cover
i think john i think i'll send you i
think i'll send you an application blank
too
and then if we all stick together we
i'll take it hello hello mr penny this
is rochester
what do you want boss i always thought
that border of ours was cuckoo and now i
know it
mr billingsley what's the trouble now
he's playing soldier again this morning
he locked me in my room for three hours
well why didn't you give him the
password
that was yesterday today is
[Laughter]
[Music]
oh so he so he changed it eh well i'm
glad you told me i don't want to have to
go to a hotel tonight
now a rochester you just humor mr
billingsley and let him play soldier
he's perfectly harmless
what about that shotgun he carries
around that shotgun isn't loaded
no you know that big picture we got in
the library of george washington across
crossing the delaware yes
well he'll never make it in that voters
full of
oh my goodness well i'll tell you one
thing rochester he's going to pay for
that painting
he paid for it already good you ought to
see his new five dollar bills he's got
my picture on him
oh for heaven's sake you know what else
boss what you're secretary of the
treasury
oh well he's just having fun he prints
him on kleenex he can't be a
counterfeiter
well rochester i'll be home pretty soon
so don't worry goodbye
goodbye oh oh say rochester where's mr
billingsley now
he's out in the garage squeezing on a
juice squeezing orange juice in the
garage
yeah he nails an orange on the wall and
then bats the maxwell into it
oh well i'll see you in a little while
so long so
i was wondering where those yellow spots
on my garage wall came from
i thought there was something wrong with
my eyes play phil
[Applause]
if you have a family that loves rich
tempting desserts then don't wait
another day to serve this one
it's a delightful jello treat called
imperial peach mold a grand looking good
looking dessert
that's not only delicious but easy to
make here's all there is to it
simply dissolve one package of iron's
jello and a pint of hot water and peach
juice and chill until slightly thickened
next fold in one cup of canned sliced
peaches drained
or if you wish use one box of quick
frozen sliced peaches freshly thawed
then mold and chill until firm and
there's a really special treat
a rich shimmering combination of juicy
sliced peaches and sunny orange jell-o
so get a can of sliced peaches order a
box of quick frozen sliced peaches from
your grocer tomorrow
and treat yourself to this swell dessert
when you make it be sure to use
genuine jello because jello is extra
delicious
thanks to its new locked in flavor
we're a little late so good night folks
remember this name folks jell-o
butterscotch pudding
it's the name of one of america's most
popular desserts the name of a grand
pudding that's sure to become one of
your special favorites
jello butterscotch pudding is
marvelously smooth and luscious
with a swell homemade goodness and it's
full of golden butterscotch flavors so
tomorrow
when you order jello get jello puddings
in all three flavors
chocolate vanilla and butterscotch jello
puddings are just like grandma's only
more so
this program came to you from hollywood
this is the national broadcasting
company
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