[Music]
hello friends and welcome to this day in
jack benny
i'm john henderson this episode is from
january 31st
1937 the week of the great ohio river
flood
in main street the water is five feet
deep like a canal in venice
the deluge comes to the middle west the
swirl
and rage of the waters the worst flood
disaster in american history
it takes pictures to tell the tales
damage and uncounted millions of dollars
power cut off food shortage water still
rising the evacuation of the entire city
is advised
[Music]
at the theaters you could see the movie
camille starring robert taylor and greta
garbo
no one has ever loved you as i love you
but maybe true but what can i do about
it
and swing time starring fred astaire and
ginger rogers
shall we try it right through
[Music]
also the technicolor movie the trail of
the lone pine
starring fred mcmurray and fred stone
why didn't you get this man to a doctor
dead there'd be snake room oh you'll
fool he'll die if something isn't done
and child actor jackie cooper are you
kidding me on the radio you could listen
to george burns and gracie allen
listen one of these days you're going to
go with me to a brain specialist
oh baby cat scared to go alone huh
and comedian fred allen who every week
on his wednesday night radio show
was trying to prove that jack benny
couldn't play the bee
on his violin before presenting our
first guest ladies and gentlemen
i would like to mention a gentleman
and the word gentleman is used loosely
here
i won't stoop to mention his name but he
is a picture star his initials are jb
and i don't mean john barrymore
now last sunday while guest starring on
some western
cowboy radio program
jb referred to my profile said that
there was a limit to what the makeup man
could do for me when i came out to
hollywood to make a picture this summer
if mr jb wants to get personal all right
all i said originally ladies and
gentlemen was that mr jb
the character jb is entirely fictional
folks and any incident that might be
construed is having reference
quiet please special announcement any
incident that might be construed as
having reference to any living person or
jack benny
is entirely coincidental signed the
management
i only said i only said that when jb
was 10 years old he couldn't play the be
honest violin
now tonight i shall go even farther
statistics don't lie ladies and
gentlemen
and tonight's statistics will prove
conclusively that jb
will never play the b on his violin
if you can't get enough old-time radio
check out this day benny.com
where you can listen to hundreds of jack
manny episodes
and more that's thisdaybenny.com
donate to the red cross at the next
disaster and enjoy the show
the jello program starring jack benny
with mary livingston
and phil harris and his orchestra the
orchestra opens the program with
everything
is rhythm in my heart from first and
[Music]
girl
[Music]
easy as rolling off a log that's an
expression we all use but i know an even
better way to describe something easy
and here it is easy as making jello
because jello really is amazingly simple
to prepare
and whenever you make jello you're
making a dessert that's certain to
please everyone
for jello's famous true fruit flavor
always gets a great reception
but just remember that you can find that
grand extra rich fruit flavor only
in genuine jello all six delicious
flavors are extra rich
and they come from fresh ripe fruit easy
to make
easy to take that's jello the most
popular gelatin dessert in the entire
world today that's jello too so don't
accept any substitute
be sure you get the real thing look for
the big red letters on the box
they spell jello
[Music]
and now we bring you our radiant master
of ceremonies with warmth in his heart
and a cold in his head
jack benny
[Applause]
uh julo again
there's a jag manny speaking to you
through a clean
so don't get too close to your radios
folks you know you know how these coals
spread
uh where did you get that coal jack uh
down at the racetrack you know i went
out to uh
sand anita yesterday why didn't you wear
an overcoat i did don i wore one on the
way out
the bookmaker wore it home
i tell you one thing don i'm through
with horses that fourth race yesterday
cured me
was that so what happened well don i
didn't mind when my horse stopped in the
middle of the race and quit cold
but when he came over to the rail and
asked me if i heard fred allen wednesday
night that was going a little too far
how can a horse run during the day when
he's up all night listening to the radio
well you know jack even they have to
have a little fun
say don do you think alan could have
bribed those people to say i couldn't
play the bee
why jack i thought you told me this
morning that you were going to forget
all about him
oh yes just live five of us well anyway
i swore right
i never bet on another horse as long as
i live unless it's a sure thing
you know how you don hello sucker
listen mary you didn't do so well at the
track yourself yesterday
i didn't day i came home with three
winners and a jockey
[Music]
anyway i only had bad luck in one race
yeah what happened
what happened the jockey forgot his
smudge pot and my horse was frozen at
the post
no mary why do you make those things up
good practice in case i ever get on a
comedy program
something funny about this well that's
my ambition
my ambition yeah hiya fellers hello jack
hello fred i mean kenny oh
jack why don't you get aled off your
mind he's not on my mind just because i
happen to say fred
there are a lot of friends fred mcmurray
fred astaire fred stone
there are millions of fred aren't they
kenny yeah but alan's the funniest
is that so say who was that jb he was
kidding about last wednesday night
jb probably george burns you know he
spells by ear
[Music]
anyway i don't want to talk about him
let's forget f a that's short for fate
and that's what he is let him top that
one
don't worry he will oh yeah well let's
forget it
what's that paper you got there kenny i
don't know i found it at the racetrack
let's see it oh it's a dope sheath
a what a sheep dope
[Music]
oh you can say it either way
you have a good time at the track kenny
i'll say they got better hot dogs there
than at ocean park
you just go there to eat huh you said it
i saw him with a hot dog so big i put
two dollars on it to show
i just put mustard on it oh you did huh
come in
special delivery from mary livingston
there she is
way he's laughing it must be from my
mother hey that's good we could stand a
few laughs
well you can go boy what i say you can
go what are you standing there grinning
at me for
so you're the guy that can't play the v
get out of here
wise guys if i didn't have this cold i'd
go right after him
between allen and horses and coals and
and play phil give me an aspirin mary
[Music]
me
[Music]
so
[Music]
foods
[Music]
um
[Music]
hmm
[Music]
[Applause]
i was saying louis blues played by phil
harris and his orchestra and by the way
phil
i want to tell you what a nice time i
had at your house last sunday night and
how much i enjoyed meeting your mother
and your sister lucy bell say she's a
knockout
well she thinks a lot of you too jack uh
does she really
she certainly does she's been talking
about you all week long
he no kidding yes sir as far as she's
concerned
you're the tops gosh well i fell
come in that's your pulse
oh it's good to know i'm alive you know
[Music]
yeah and that
and that reminds me kenny you embarrass
me terribly at phil's party always
hungry
well i didn't serve anything well that's
no excuse and another thing you can't
eat goldfish
you can't eh no whitley look in the bowl
candy say phil is lucy bell coming up to
the broadcast tonight
you knew she was no i didn't really yeah
what have you got that new suit on for
this isn't a new suit then take off the
tag
got to laugh tonight didn't it i bet i
could think of an answer if i didn't
have this cold
jack i'm not a doctor but uh you know
what i think would be good for you
what why don't you take some jello
dissolve it in warm water stir
thoroughly
and then after it cools add some sliced
bananas and have it with your dinner
tonight oh will that cure my cold
i don't know but it's a swell dessert
well i'll
i'll try it for the sake of my job or my
cold
[Laughter]
mary what are you laughing at this
letter from mama is a riot
well if it's that good let's hear it see
your mother's letters are always funny
go ahead read it
all right uh plainview nj jan29th-37
what is that a code no i'm all right oh
go ahead uh dear daughter mary received
your letter now we're sure glad to hear
from you
we have been having very unusual weather
in plainfield too
must be pretty cold there uh your
brother hillary had a touch of the flu
but he is now up and around this morning
he got up and chased his nurse around
the room
i wonder who won there uh your sister
rita is having trouble with her eyes
again
and keeps running into things all the
time
so i guess we'll either have to get our
new glasses or bumpers
[Music]
now that's that's silly uh tell jack i
know it but i gotta laugh
the fine letter go on huh last night
there was a lot of excitement at the
palace theater
we went to see camille in the middle of
the picture camille took sick and died
so we got our money back
[Music]
it sure happened quick she was in
perfect health when we sat down
well that's life for you you know uh
no more news at present except your
father is very busy making out his
income tax
he cheats at solitaire too
what's nice about your father uh tell
jack we are all quite interested in this
fight with fred allen
and speaking of the b will you please
send me a check for 25
love from us all your mater mater
she's getting quite high class there oh
here's a ps
oh please ask kenny to sing sweetheart
let's grow all together
and wish him the best of luck as i know
i'm tough to follow
well as mighty sweet of the mater uh
think you can follow her kenny oh sure
what's a mater jack well mater is a
latin word meaning an
ancestor on the maternal side do you get
it yeah
what are you laughing at kenny that's
not a joke i don't care i'm not fussy
go ahead and sing gee i wish lucy bell
would get here
[Music]
sweet heart let's roll together
love like ours will never
die and in hands
[Music]
dear heart we're dancing it's time for
romancing for just
heart to heartbeating my lips keep
repeating
i love about you
dreams of the future
[Music]
sweet heart let's grow
together love like ours
will never die and in hand
[Music]
and wedding day dear
i love you i still will say
dear so let's grow
[Music]
thank you
that was sweetheart let's grow old
together sung by young kenny baker
and say phil um phil did uh lucy bell
get here yet
not yet jack but she ought to be here
any minute i wish he'd hurry up
you said she uh you said she mentioned
my name didn't you
yeah she did what'd she say well she
said a few to send her flowers that have
been much nicer than the one she got
from kenny
[Music]
oh yeah you keep out of this kenny i
didn't say anything well
anyway when lucy bell gets here i want
everybody to behave themselves
especially kenny and mary and don i'll
be all right
yeah i bet that's her now gee do i do i
look all right mary not to me
come in mr benny yes
i want to take this opportunity of
wishing you and yeah
i wish somebody had set a trap for him
oh jack
look who's coming at the studio well
well
here comes lucy fail now
hello lucy bell hello oh i'm just
tickled please to see you again
mr danny oh lucy bell why don't you call
me jazz
after all i'm your brother's friend and
yours too i trust
you mean that you're not asian are you
only like a fool mary
oh there's mr baker thanks for those
poinsettias you sent me mr baker
shucks i ordered flowers
[Music]
like kenny what do you think poinsettias
are a couple of dogs yeah with spots on
them
that's right uh tell me lucy val you've
been in town a week now
what are you even doing with yourself
well i met a nice young man live next
door
and he took me off the hollywood bowl by
the night
the hollywood bowl right there there are
no concerts there this time of year
we didn't mine
i mean have you have you done anything
interesting oh that was very
i mean have you seen any of the sights
around town don't raise your voice to me
sir
oh i'm sorry lucy bell now listen jack
either respect my sister take up my
[Music]
options
oh there's my brother hello fields
filthy lamb
what are you laughing at stinky pie
that's your fault mary for telling him
my nickname
when i tell him your real name why
you know you sure have a big ride in
this studio
is that the audience no that's don
wilson the audience is over here
although he's an audience enough for
anybody here you know don
is our sponsorial mousekey he is
what there well that's uh lucy well
let's
oh you explain it will you don i'll be
glad to i knew you would
a sponsored mouthpiece lucy bell is a
fellow who says the jello is the finest
tastiest dessert in the world
and it has that new extra rich fresh
fruit flavor and every day millions of
people eat it
oh that yes lucy
has john's whole life giving sponsorial
hints to the world
well lucy bell if you'll wait around
till the program is over
we can go out somewhere and have a
sandwich you and i know a dance or two
oh i'm sorry jake but the boy next door
is waiting downstairs
taking foot drive well some other time
then huh
oh yes well bye everybody
[Music]
the boy the boy next door say phil
who lives next door to you anyway well
robert taylor lives on one side and uh
jackie cooper on the other oh jackie
cooper well he's
just a kid i don't have to worry about
him
robert keller don't have to worry about
you yeah
playfield
foreign
wow
[Music]
uh
[Music]
me
[Music]
foreign
[Music]
[Applause]
that was remember played by lucy bell's
brother
and his orchestra and now folks tonight
i would like to settle
once and for all an argument that has
been the talk of the musical world
it seems that yeah uh what about that
special fourth of july sketch you
announced last sunday
well done i'm not enough fourth of july
move tonight and
but there will be some fireworks
i've got something very important on my
mind that i'd like to discuss with phil
harris so if the rest of you fellas want
to go home it's all right with me
okay as long as you don't need us so
long jack so long you can go too mary
all right come on kenny let him try to
get last now
i'm not in the mood for laughs so long
jack goodbye
there are other things in life besides
comedy what's on your mind jack
yeah come here a minute phil phil
uh how many men have you got in your
orchestra
15 15 huh well next sunday i'd like to
have you add about 30 more
a real symphonic organization but what's
the idea jack
well phil there's one argument i didn't
start that i'm going to finish next week
i'm going to play schubert's immortal
classic
the bee
[Music]
thank you music lovers
but jack do you think you can do it oh
phil here's the music you can see for
yourself it's a
simple composition i don't know there's
a lot of notes there
those aren't all knows
anyway should have screen doors here
anyway you can go now
i i just wanted to get everything set
okay
and phil i'm you i'm kind of tired
anyway really i don't feel like
working much more tonight and you know i
haven't been feeling any too good out
i think i'll i think i'll lie down here
for a minute or two yeah
that's a good idea jack that cold has
got you down yeah
so long phil so long
see this this couch feels pretty good
right now that
i don't know how i ever got through
today
excuse me folks you know i i haven't
been so sleepy since
last wednesday night between the hours
of nine and ten
oh boy you know folks you know life's
life's a funny thing it's i don't know
it's the
it's the little things that upset you
you take a
take a fella like alan who
who yes sir life sure is
yep yep
i'll have a big symphony orchestra
show that guy up
[Music]
b b nothing but b
the busy bee to be or not to be
[Music]
jb jb
f a f a fat
[Music]
who's that laughing well as i live and
breathe and stuff a doll in my mouth so
i won't laugh at his jokes
if it isn't jack benny fred allen
alan what are you doing here so you're
going to play the b a ha
ha ha yes i am and when i get through
with the b
it'll be number one on the hit parade
hit parade why you couldn't even get
into the parade of the wooden soldiers
and you got a head start
oh no now listen to me alan
last wednesday night you brought three
kids up to your program known as the
three smart girls didn't you
yes and what did you ask them i asked
them why they call themselves the three
smart girls
yes and what did they say we said we
never listened to jack benny
now listen alan listen to me you dragged
my name through musical mud long enough
well what are you gonna do about it see
this gun
if you've ever prayed pray now oh watch
the use you'll play the fiddle anyway
[Music]
yeah well that's the last quip you will
ever make
take this wait wait a minute don't you
don't you
i thought you were a coward yes
spineless yellow jellyfish
yellow why you're yellower than a canary
bird with a jaundice
that's the last straw now before i bump
you off alan
i just want you to remind you of a few
things you said i couldn't play the bee
at the age of 10 didn't you
you brought the postmaster from waukegan
up to testify against me didn't you you
brought the photographer
you brought my violin teacher you
brought our family pawn broker
why for two more bucks you could have
gotten my father
[Music]
you'll accuse me of picking up old cigar
butts you said i'd never lived to be 104
and a half
you may be the laughingstock of the
nation and you're up my short wave
you laughed you lied you're ridiculed
you slandered
and you called me at squirt well the
squirt is burned
you reach the end of your rope allen
take that and that and that
jack what's the matter with you wake up
wake up jack what's wrong oh
oh nothing fellas nothing i
i just had a dream and gee
it was swell play phil
[Music]
nearly every home has some particular
specialty one grand dish at the whole
game
and i'm here to tell you about that kind
of a hit it's more
is it good it's called jellied fakes a
delicious combination of luscious figs
and strawberry jello
here's how you make them first dissolve
a package of strawberry jello in one
pint of hot water and
fig juice chill until slightly thickened
and then fold in one cup of sliced
stewed fakes
after that just mold and serve with
whipped cream and what a swell
combination that is golden figs and rosy
cherry
strawberry jello good to look at better
to taste
no other gelatin dessert has jellos
extra rich fresh fruit flavor
so when you make jellied figs just be
sure to make them with the one and only
genuine jello
the last number of the 18th program in
the new jello series and we'll be with
you again next sunday night at the same
time
jack yes don uh telegram just came in do
you mind if i read it
no no who's it from now well it's from
alton cook radio editor of the new york
world telegram oh
it says congratulations to jack benny on
the new honors he has won in the world
telegram radio editor's poll stop
for the fourth consecutive year he has
been voted america's favorite comedian
by the radio editors of the united
states and canada
stop the jello program was picked as the
all-around
favorite show for the third successive
year and
don wilson was voted the best studio
announcer
congratulations also to mary livingston
phil harris and kenny baker who have
maintained their same high standard
signed alton cook well thanks alton
and all of you fellow radio scribes for
this great honor i also want to thank my
listeners my
cast and my authors hey where's that
swell very
come on let's go all right my dream man
good night
[Music]
at this time the entire country is
shocked by one of the most unparalleled
catastrophes in recent years
the victims of the floods need not only
your sympathy
they also need your help give give as
much as you can afford to help relieve
the intense suffering in the flood areas
send your contributions to your nearest
red cross chapter
and be as generous as you can thank you
the part of fred allen was played
tonight by lind hayes
the jello program starring jack benny
with mary livingston came to you from
hollywood
this is the red network of the national
broadcasting company
[Music]