[Music]
Rob New York the city where it's looking
a little less like Christmas
it's Late Night with David Letterman
tonight clear from the Cincinnati Reds
Johnny Bench
legend George Burns ma'am
[Music]
a man who thinks he's invisible so
pretend you don't see Dave
[Music]
[Applause]
Oh
thank you
thank you that's that's awfully darn
nice you folks we get the best of studio
audiences in North America in this
studio and I'm happy about that welcome
to the program I guess you've all heard
the sad news it's really a sad day for
New York City the peace talks have
broken down now between Brooklyn and
Manhattan so it could be a long time any
any tourists from other parts of the
world here yes New York certainly is the
tourist capital of the world I've never
got on when the streets are teeming with
them one person out of 200 where are you
where would you be from touring ma'am or
sir as the case may be
Milwaukee Wisconsin
nice to have you here they let me point
this out if you're doing a lot of
walking in the city they've they've
taken down all of the walk don't walk
signs and replace them with one sign
which now reads you're on your own so
that's just about all get this down
before I hurt someone well you folks
have shown up here on a good night then
bye good night I mean I don't mean good
night
[Music]
mr. George Burns is here tonight
[Applause]
now this man I gotta tell you one of my
lifetime we have two heroes of mine on
tonight mr. George Burns also future
hall-of-famer legendary Cincinnati Reds
baseball star mr. Johnny Bench is here
tonight and of course Paul Shaffers over
there Paul what do you drink from that
the little wax cup every night what is
that exactly secret I can't divulge it
contents of it can't divulge the content
and I want to say something else Charlie
as now this is the kind of thing that's
gonna cause trouble between our band and
one of our guests tonight when Johnny
Bench comes out and sees the st. Louis
Cardinals baseball shirt there there's
going to be a fist fight and also
Charlie's very young isn't he yeah he
was I'm smoking earlier you shouldn't
shouldn't be smoking Charlie what it's
Paris what you saw oh no then then and
then it wasn't Charlie smoking at all
that was uh that was me I was smoking uh
it wasn't charlie at all uh also tonight
ladies and gentlemen if you have friends
and loved ones or kids at home wake them
phone the neighbors tonight once again
we're going to mash stuff with a
steamroller so
[Applause]
[Music]
am i I hope I didn't get you in trouble
is that gonna get you in trouble charlie
okay yeah I feel I feel sick about this
now well now if you've watched this
program at all this week you know that
the Tuesday night was it Tuesday night I
went down to the elevators to greet
people as they get off on the sixth
floor and I thought it was gonna be a
great idea and a lot of fun it turned
out to be neither now so we felt like
well gee it's such a great idea let's do
it again Wednesday night we did it again
last night and had even less success so
as far as going down to the elevators
right now we are all for two we thought
let's just go down there and start the
show and see what happens so if you will
walk this way ladies and gentlemen once
again
[Applause]
everyone's frightened that well here we
go
and of course Bob Rooney should be
standing right here Bob Rooney's not
standing right here oh he's down here
Bob ruining that of course is Monday
ladies and gentlemen and let me just
introduce you once again to the man
we'll be honoring areas ladies and
gentlemen Bob Rooney of Bob Rooney night
Monday May 9 how do you do sir nice to
see you so the last couple of nights
we've been greeting people as they got
off the elevators and handing them the
late-night sponges and facial bladders
and duck sauce but tonight we said screw
it we're just gonna go on with our own
show and every Thursday night since this
program has been on the air ladies and
gentlemen we have been answering our
viewer mail tonight is certainly no
exception let's get right to the viewer
letters shall we actual letters and
infirm actual viewers letter number 1
Dave Dave Dave when a win will you stop
reading stupid letters on your show win
a win Dave and it's signed bud page
Villa Park Illinois stupid letters on
the show all right let's see
August 8 April 12 1989 that's the night
that we've decided to stop reading the
letters on the show I don't go right on
through
oh no no go ahead that's alright okay
how do you do all right nice to see you
sure how's it going nice to see you good
luck to you
letter number two dear Dave I just loved
your show but whenever I watch it I get
a terrible thumping headache do you have
any suggestions on what I can do to
still watch the show without holding my
head and screaming in agony this comes
from butch rink Los Angeles California I
remember when I was a kid I'd go hang
around the butch rink after school you
know we get more letters about this than
any other subject it seems like
everybody wants to know how they can
watch our show without holding their
heads and screaming in agony so we have
a couple of suggestions for him some
viewers have found that locking their
head in an enormous advice while they
watch the show seems to help one good
idea another viewer in New Orleans
straps himself upside down onto a giant
rack in front of his television and
claims some temporary relief if you were
in Tulsa soaks his head in a bucket of
ice and also reports limited success
some viewers watch the show as they
would a solar eclipse
now this one's expensive but some
viewers find relief by putting a funnel
on their heads and placing their feet on
the belly of a young Samoan boy
Xterra punic as well as fun now here's
another viewer idea the gag in his mouth
prevents him from screaming in agony
although he admits the nail may cause
him to hold his head so those are just a
few ideas and if you have any I was like
bogus applause to me
[Laughter]
nobody we don't have any coffee out here
doing excuse me sir are you are you
going down you couldn't bring me some
coffee
could you in here I don't have I don't
have
how do you do it nice to see it just
black please Danny Harry Jeff just don't
give it to me give it to him
[Music]
any place not on the street ago yeah
I'll be here
I will nice meeting you thank you very
much
letter number three dear mr. Letterman I
want you to know that I enjoy your TV
show very much that's awfully nice of
her to say but I think your put-down of
the United States Football League was an
extremely poor taste
I think you should be ashamed of
yourself sincerely Felicia Hunt well I'm
sorry Felicia I know that was a pretty
mean piece about the United States
Football League obviously however it's
apparent to me that you work for the
league since you've written the letter
on official USFL stationery
kitty cats there with the hearts how are
you still waiting for I don't know where
they're located i-it's it I think yeah I
know the names but I don't know the
office this is the sixth floor oh that's
all right no not as kind of a test show
anyway letter number four I hope that
you is that you good luck nice meeting
in okay bye bye uh look at this group of
young toughs
oh no it's Bucky gunce again ladies and
gentlemen
the strangest name of the world and yet
he has a job bucky gun since letter
number four dear gentlemen and I use the
term loosely and yet another attempt to
get a letter on viewer mail I hereby
include a totally gratuitous list of the
items that one must apparently refer to
if one wishes ones letter to be read on
the air and this man has included a
rather lengthy list Sandi Becker calling
bingo numbers Lauren green Leonard Nimoy
and buddy Ebsen all singing the sound of
breaking glass the giant doorknob the
car and truck rental song the late 50s
on and on and on and on sincerely J
Lawrence Buell Hinsdale Hinsdale
Illinois well thank you very much for
your consideration Lawrence we
appreciate you trying to help but
unfortunately you did not mention the
festival of toys we were hoping that
someone would mention the festival of
toys in his letter these kids have been
waiting all afternoon plus they had to
be here yesterday for rehearsal I'm
sorry kids no one mentioned the festival
of toys this week you're not gonna be on
TV you're not gonna get to keep the toys
I I guess the viewers just didn't care
enough I'll go ahead and take the toys
away from the kids I'm sorry
I'm just sick about it okay so much for
the festival of toys we have a fine
program for you tonight ladies and
gentlemen
oh my we're gonna go away for a lord
knows what and we'll be right back to
talk to mr. George Burns
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
thank you folks and welcome back to the
the program I'm terribly excited about
our guests tonight so let's just get on
with it shall we I certainly will
it's truly a pleasure to welcome this
gentleman he is celebrating his 80th
year in show business and obviously
shows no signs of slowing down he has
recently written this book entitled how
to live to be 100 or more the ultimate
diet sex and exercise book please
welcome ladies and gentlemen George
Burns
[Applause]
[Music]
this is a quite a treat for me and I
really appreciate you taking time out of
your busy schedule I know you're out
talking about the the book how to live
to be a hundred and more and more and
you're you're 87 years old yourself no
secret all you gotta do is live to be
Andra that's right you make that the
very few people die over on it that's
ready the mortality rate drops right off
400 yeah now I don't I don't mean to be
presumptuous or personal but it seems to
me like according to the book you you
you claim that you still are sexually
quite active one that energy you want me
to do 15 minutes for you wish I could
have seen that it's except sex is fine
just so you only you know minute inhale
[Laughter]
now you're still dating romantically
involved and so forth gosh what's wrong
with that slightly better than sliced
tomatoes yeah
have you shown any signs of slowing down
at all well I'm not thinking of giving
up show business yeah I think I could
make more money to show up business than
they can with sex I do very relating
don't abuse sex do a lot of exercise
yeah what kind of exercising you do I do
a half hour every morning floor
stretching I do it all and then I walk
for about 15 minutes every day I do a
lot of exercise yeah that's a lot of ice
I do you know like sit-ups but I putting
my feet on I doing I exercise I think
everybody should yeah you know now this
book has been dedicated to the widows of
your last six positions yeah they all
died yeah now what kind of advice do
these these guys give you before they
pay or tell me to stop smoking uh-huh
you know like I like a newspaper woman
called me up she says there's a true
that you smoked between 10 to 15 cigars
a day as says it's true and she says is
it true you you drink three and four
martinis a day as says it's true she
says there's a true that you got with
the young girls I says the true she's
what did your doctor say I said he's
dead
[Laughter]
what is the what is the line the the
doctor asked you when you had stopped
having sex and you know do it are you
you asked me when I where did you stop
having sex 3 this morning that's it it
would have been funnier have you done it
no no no no no no no you you can do it
more often than I can now how do you
deal with worry and attention and stress
well they all overlap you know if you've
got something to worry about if you can
help it and cure it then you can go to
sleep because you can worry about it
when you get up if you've got something
to worry about that you can't help you
can't cure then you sleep anyway because
you can't you can't cure it anyway yes
you don't bother with it I don't take
anything to bed with me unless it's I
wanted you to finish that no no no how
is that maybe best in your hands
we're gonna pause here we have a
commercial will return to talk who mr.
George Burns on Howell
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
what about George Burns is with us
tonight and it is this you actually you
don't run do you I dropped I may write
just that's exactly what I do there it
is just a little over me it's my body I
don't say I've got a body like Burt
Reynolds he has he got a body like mine
but that's his problem now you get a
fine body sorry I'm sorry no it's a good
joke yeah I know I screwed it up you
want to do it again no no no all right
no point in going back I guess right you
want to talk a little bit about the old
days with your friend Gracie Gracie yeah
well a Gracie Gracie was a rare she was
a dramatic actress and and and when I
first met up she was an Irish actress
and how old were you two when him I was
then about which I would say that I was
about 27 you know 27 Gracie was about
father cried Gracie was 22
so she's just a kid yeah yeah and I was
I'm not doing well I did all kinds of
Mike's small-time vaudeville was small
town border like 507 to 27 I couldn't
get a job but I loved what I was doing I
wasn't doing anything but I loved it
what kind of an act would that be if
people want to see you in those days
what were they looking at before Gracie
before grace yeah well I did a skating
act skating the skating singers dancers
are roller skaters and dancing on skates
when you dance on skates the back wheels
don't turn that frozen the skate out on
the front wheels then get down on yields
and veins and did people seem to enjoy
this entertainment I don't know I never
worked
oh that's right
couldn't find a job and I didn't act I
didn't act with the Harry Pearce I did a
ballroom dancing hang I got a Jose and
Smith when I was Smith I had all kinds
of name and to give you an idea that I
knew a lot about the ballroom dancing
our opening number was a thing called La
Serena which is dumpin tenant and unto
them which is a Russian mazurka uh-huh
we were dressed the Spanish clothes I
thought that was a Spanish name yeah
I laid off with that act anyway we were
playing Union Hill Jersey I was working
with Billie Lorraine I think my name was
Harry Harris at the time Harrison Wright
and I was on the belt with some girl
Rena Arnold and Gracie came back to
visit oh and she went out front that
Reynold said these two fellas are gonna
split up maybe you'd like to working on
them she went out she saw they actually
like beat she thought I sang pretty good
and we went to work two weeks later and
I was the comedian I wrote a night where
I wore a red tie when hat was trained up
white pants and Gracie was dressed as a
straight woman gonna ask the questions
and Gracie ask the questions and people
laughed and I had the answers nobody
left so I changed the finger and gave
Gracie all the funny lines and Here I am
yeah it was a progression it would be R
we have we have some some film that was
made in 1932 right and this was a
promotional film that the for the big
broad can is a big broadcast Crosby was
an Emmy and oh I ever all the radio
actor in it at the time
yeah they were about this seminar we're
all in the top ten because you're only a
tax and and this film was made I guess
just as a like a commercial that's a
movie okay and it's pretty much
self-explanatory what we're gonna see
okay let's say this was
like I like it outside the girl okay
good here they think that you have one
of the finest acts in show business well
thanks very much I mean that sincerely
thanks I certainly wish I could say
something nice about you well you could
if you were as big a liar as I am I'll
see you later
bang on and I was wondering George you
know the young lady in your act miss
Allen hey Gracie
yeah sure she's delightful you like I
think she's a charming girl hi I like
her myself you see beautiful girls oh I
think so I was wondering if you could
fix it up for me to meet miss Allen now
do you like our act or do you like miss
Allen well I like the act and I like
Smith now I'm sort of like Severson yeah
with me it's like I say well I'll have
you meet miss Allen hey Gracie
come here this is Gracie Allen no no
Rudy Vallee Gracie that's Bing Crosby
thank you well I was wondering here do
you ever wonder was wondering if you'd
like to go out with me well why should
you be an exception Oh Gracie I was
wondering if would you like to go oh you
really was would you like to go out
tonight
oh I'm sorry I can't make it tonight I
have an engagement my husband you're
married
[Music]
Janka was I was using my own head then
yeah you're you uh boy he had a very
imposing presence thing you know I'm not
yeah you looked at the good life well of
my lines is that so
you don't say really now you famous
right you passed that joke on to
somebody else did you Jack Benny they
used it these Leah's yeah we're gonna go
away for station identification and
we'll be back with George Burns and
Johnny bench's here tonight
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
hey there so fans I'm Shelly Taylor
Morgan and I'm Michael Logan watch us
live every weekday to find out what's
really happening on your favorite soap
you know all that juicy stuff serious
soap fans turn to pure so for all the
latest developments in the daytime
dramas insider information and exclusive
visits with your favorite characters you
can even call in and share your thoughts
about it what why and how only on pure
soap live Monday through Friday for
Eastern and one Pacific only on e the
entertainment news and information
authority every night in primetime
Kenny through 7:00 Pacific Late Night
with David Letterman on e4 yeast
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[Music]
the program ladies and gentlemen now
later on tonight we're going to destroy
things with a steamroller and also
Johnny Bench
will be here from the Cincinnati Reds
baseball fan George well yes and no yeah
once so while I go to a baseball game
yeah I ma'am I hate to go to anything
that doesn't applaud back now speaking
of things you can attend on Monday
ladies and gentlemen Slim Whitman will
be here Elaine Boosler actress candy
Clark and also of course as you know Bob
Rooney day
Bob Rooney days yeah Bob I don't know
that's right yeah Bob Rooney day right
here Monday night tell me uh
now you mentioned you smoked three of
those a day is that true 15 a day 15
cigars a day 15 today now are you
actually inhaling those no I don't an
ale are those expensive cigars no these
are domestic cigars it's an producto of
course 30 50 cents
you see the reason I use a holder is
that all cigars taste alike with a
holdup hmm so I can afford a $2.00 to go
so every time I smoke a cigar like this
I'm saving a dollar in 65 cents so at
the end of the year I'm a very very rich
man that's great now have you always
smoked a cigar yeah I use it you know
when I was 14 I smoked my first guy
wanted to look like an actor I bought
her a car cigar seven cents last of the
week yeah and it helps it's good timing
and a good price oh yeah walk on the
stage I smoke the cigar than the people
I have I smoke yeah when they stop
laughing I dog yeah
I talk while they're laughing I should
be put away now I noticed that you have
a in 1996 palladium Plato the Palladium
in my honor years old I'm there for four
weeks
[Laughter]
let me check this out when I leave here
I got in playing Vegas I'm a plain Lake
Tahoe I'm making two movies I can't
afford to die I'd lose a lot of money
[Music]
yeah what I what I died now donor of
Schenectady McKenna I'm gonna die again
yeah yeah what kind of movies you get
coming up they're talking about another
guard picture hmm they pay me I'll be
glad to come down again and then we're
gonna do the lady killers I think a
remake on the lady goes yeah
well this is terrific you know let me
only ask you another thing about Gracie
if you don't mind glad you still have
conversations with Gracie huh well I
talked guys yeah I visit her once a
month I talked to her no but she can
hear me but sometimes I'd tell her some
jokes I'll tell her I work with you oh
good and it's a great place to break in
material there's no more vaudeville yeah
should I say that again it's been a
delight there meeting you I really had a
lot of fun talking with you and will
charter a plane and come over and see
you okay at the Palladium good enough
thank you very much
[Music]
[Applause]
yeah we'll be right back with the
steamroller after they've gone
psychotic clown killer vacuum and so get
them yeah its animation on E why are you
talking about you idiot a 1l exploration
inside the world of tunes from a
Flintstone to the Simpson does life
imitate art for animation on a Saturday
at 8 Eastern 5 Pacific only on e your
entertainment up already
[Music]
ooh you were blind until six weeks ago
yes USA Today calls blink pretty and
impression she's dead she is the only
one thank you
Time magazine says madeleine stowe is
extraordinary man today's Michael Apted
has delivered the news first thriller
and it's a knockout blink red your dar
starts Wednesday now you can feel good
about giving them feedback
[Music]
piece of Bagel Bites bite-size people
can hold some little baby
[Music]
he's a bagel but keep it whatever you
run it hi I'm Chris Elliot I just want
to talk to you about some things you
might not know about cable have you
heard of cable in the classroom
no it's revolutionized teaching as we
know it it's giving teachers a whole new
way to teach and children a whole new
way to learn life do you know the cable
is providing commercial free programming
free of charge to teachers it's gonna
change the future and make us better
human beings in the process thank you
I think I got my point across best I can
who's Laura Glenn is being dragged down
by a tough cold but she's about to break
free with an effervescent Russia
alka-seltzer Plus cold
pihl's take time to dissolve but
alka-seltzer Plus is ready the moment
you take
rushing colorful medicines too soon
earrings ring
three your breathing
nothing rushes medieval like
alka-seltzer place
welcome back to the program ladies and
gentlemen since we began this tradition
back in the mid sixties mashing stuff
with a steamroller come on in that's
good thank you very much
[Applause]
we'll be Alabama when you're going back
back I'm gonna go back Sonny just so we
can catch the Bob Rooney special on
Monday not a bad idea by the way thank
you very much for the coffee in every
good paper
I'm actually kind of busy nice meeting
you great show we enjoy it now about
thank you very much and I appreciate the
coffee looking very much looking forward
to Bob Rooney days oh yeah we all are
okay I'm sorry did anybody else want
anything too much free time that's what
produces that all right now where were
we
since the beginning of the tradition of
mashing stuff with a steamroller that
has not start all over killing too much
free time now since we began the
tradition back in the mid 60's of
mashing stuff of a steam roller has not
just been a hobby but a way of life for
those of us here on the show so tonight
we once again proved that it is much
easier to tear down than it is to build
up as we go now to a Construction Yard
somewhere in New Rochelle a few short
weeks ago who knew that mashing stuff of
the steamroller would become America's
newest national obsession well it has
and that's why we're gonna destroy some
more junk for you here tonight this is
the man who will be driving the
equipment what is your name sir Joanne I
go Junior
and what kind of a machine do we have
your basic fourteenth ton pirate I roll
28,000 pounds of stuff Wow so how long
you been driving this about three years
now
are you excited tickled pink all right
may we have the first item to be
destroyed please something tasty from
the commissary my favorite commissary
treat would be the raspberry flavored
gelatin dessert Bowl
yes makes me hungry just standing in it
that dog was lodged bowling trophy
what year 68 or 69
[Music]
yeah it's yeah that's 68 I bought a nice
styrofoam cooler there yes sir
the one beer to mash when you're mashing
more than one yes ma'am I'm what can I
do for him I can't get the last drops of
toothpaste out of this tube that's
really annoying isn't it yep
really let's see what we can do thank
you very much
[Music]
we all leads bass guitar what kind of a
cynical monster are you
that's how this man makes his living
will leaves bass guitar no forget it I I
just won't be a party to that Paul
Shaffers glasses okay Paul Shaffers back
[Applause]
[Music]
now this is the one thing I figured we'd
destroy but you know you can still wear
these with a really thin crust okay
that's a great idea a thin crust you
enter the real thin crust
the thinner the better okay for our
really big feet so first you have to
grease the pan
[Music]
next roll out the dough and there's a
tomato sauce
[Music]
then add your favorite toppings
mushrooms anchovies plenty of cheese
wrinkle on some pepperoni
[Music]
okay and then you simply serve it with a
shovel yes sir we'll be making more
stuff next week dad Johnny bench's here
will drive back home
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
before the Oscars the best in film and
TV are celebrated watched up Golden
Globe Awards highlight show let's tell
our half-hour bursting with the best
celebrity arrival I'm certain tacky
glamour golden backstage moments and
words from the winner everybody envies
[Music]
Golden Globe Awards highlight show
Monday at 4:30 Eastern 1:30 Pacific only
on e you are entertainment authority
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dr. era what is this gadget here this is
called a fetus cope and it's to listen
to a baby's heartbeat when it's still
inside the mother what kind of battery
do you have in there say yeah yeah
Duracell what because they last so long
it does last a long time cuz we put this
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lots of babies every day the medical
journals ever discussed white Duracell
batteries last now-now I've never seen a
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with of the entertainment television
[Music]