run for your life usually seen at this
time will not be presented tonight so
that we may bring you the following
special program
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the following program is brought to you
in living color on nbc
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bob's tell me how how did benny ever
talk you into doing anything like this
well if i didn't do it he threatened to
foreclose the mortgage on my house
hey how come you're doing this damn
general sonoff asked me to do it as a
special favor oh well don't tell me that
benny has a mortgage on sarnoff's house
don't be ridiculous he's got a mortgage
on the network
i'll tell you one word from benny and
the nbc peacock turns chickens
hey he's got himself quite a cast hadn't
he yeah lucille ball and johnny carson
paul revere and the raiders and ben blue
sounds like a great show yeah well he
was determined to make this a big
special by hooker crook
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let's keep our noses out of this huh
well i guess i may as well start how do
you do ladies and gentlemen this is bob
burbank wait wait wait i want to wait
wait wait wait none of that bobby
there's no monologue here all we're
supposed to do is just put up the
billboard that's all that's all we're
supposed to do a couple of big stars
like us listen let's not complain i hear
later on he's got liz taylor and richard
burton doing the station break
well he can't treat us like that come on
we'll fix him are you kidding you're
thinking what i'm thinking
oh brother
yes it's the jack benny hour with his
guest stars lucille ball johnny carson
paul revere and the raiders featuring
mark lindsey and ben blue
brought to you by
and here he is the star of our show
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uh
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uh huh
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you can go now i made
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boy i needed that
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thank you
and
thank you folks keep those cards and
letters coming in because mary and i
read every one
and i want to thank that little old lady
in buffalo wyoming
for sending us a buffalo
we were fresh out of them
i also would like to thank dean martin
for allowing us to use his set
you know i thought of this silly opening
when i saw dean at a party the other
night and i must say of all the
entertainers
that i know
dean martin seems to be the most relaxed
happy-go-lucky guy in the whole world
nothing seems to bother him
now he had just arrived at this party
and he had a big tall glass of scotch
in his hand
and i said to him dean
with all your success
and all the money you're making
are you really happy and secure
and he said to me jack i just got here
but check with me later
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so in about an hour i saw dean again
now i really don't know if he was happy
or not
but brother was he secured
he just sat there looking at me with a
silly smile on his face
there was a male mona lisa if i ever saw
anyway ladies and gentlemen
i think
i think we have a real good show for you
tonight one thing i do know it's the
most expensive show
i have ever put on
first of all you saw bob hope and danny
thomas
that bit alone
cost me a hundred and seventy dollars
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that's beside their wardrobe and paint
now one of the stars of the show is
lucille ball
and since she made that new picture
called yours mine and ours
her salary is so enormous that i can't
afford it
i can afford it i just won't pay it
so we made a deal
that she comes on my show for nothing
and i go on her show for nothing it's
called a
reciprocal agreement
reciprocal meaning that lucy is just as
cheap as i am
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now let me tell you about johnny carson
who is also with us
now i've been on johnny carson show at
least
a dozen times
for a lousy 320
well when i asked johnny to be on this
special tonight and i asked him how much
money he wanted without hesitating
he said he wanted thirty thousand
dollars
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anyway
after he gave me mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation
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which i would rather have had from
lucille ball
i came to imagine thirty thousand
dollars
i wouldn't give de gaulle thirty
thousand
even if he can walk over here
i i was gonna wait for that one i like
it
anyway here's the deal i made with
carson he comes on my show for nothing i
go on his 28 times
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you see i don't need an agent i make my
own deal
then ben blue he cost me a lot of money
and another expensive back is paul
revere and the raiders
now in addition paul revere in the raid
in addition to their salary i had to pay
their transportation out here two by
land and three by sea
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but why am i aggravating myself i'm i'm
happy i got down that pole
well so much for that
you know this being a special naturally
you have to have a theme
some idea and since danny thomas has
been very successful with his special on
burlesque and bob hope on vaudeville i
figured i might as well do one on
carnivals
actually my first choice was to do one
on symphony orchestras
but the musicians union got an
injunction
so we're doing carnival nights
because there's really nothing quite
like a carnival for gaiety
color
and excitement
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[Applause]
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they come on you
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[Applause]
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of the century
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[Applause]
with his jaw
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[Applause]
there's a man made entirely of rubber
who will bounce right into your heart
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a chap who likes to relax on a bed made
of snacks get the points oh
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inches high that's the long and short of
it
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well that's nice
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a two-headed boy who seems to wet with
himself and if that's not enough to fill
your cup there's a rare and raising red
headed female saucy sexy champion
she can help the mightiest females she
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[Applause]
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you're just in time to receive
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is
[Applause]
let's go
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[Applause]
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all right here you are man the girly
show to end all girly shows the show was
not only banned in boston it was barred
in tijuana
yes sir man mother nature has endowed
our girls so beautifully they make the
pink pussycat turn green with envy
step up closer folks the next big show
starts in only three minutes and you'll
see the star of our show luscious
lucille the redheaded bombshell she
shakes she quivers now there's a smart
man putting on his glasses to get a
better look at luscious lucille who
needs glasses i got my hearing aid in
here
sir you look like a real sport i'll bet
you you're going to be the first
customer to buy a ticket to see the
greatest dancer of maul luscious lucille
the girl who made little egypt surrender
to the israelis
and i know my friend that you'll want to
be the first today because to the first
customer today and today only we give a
free solid gold wristwatch
uh-uh don't reach for your wallets now
unfortunately although this is a very
high class show we sometimes get a
low-class type of person in our audience
pickpockets
we want to warn you gentlemen in the
audience against pickpocket so make sure
your wallet is where it's supposed to be
i want to tell you folks that luscious
lucille is the most fantastic dancing
girl in all
burst or history
and sally rand grabbed her fans and flew
back to campus
and what is the admission fee gentleman
to this paradise of poker 2 this fiesta
of femininity this bonanza beauty amir
50 cents one half of one dollar oh no
too much for me
wait a moment friends
50 cents is the usual price but today
and today only the price to see all
these delectable dancers is only 10
cents because you lucky people today
happens to be
arthur murray's birthday
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and now what you've been waiting to see
a small sample of what's waiting on the
inside in the big tent here she is right
now luscious lucille
yes let's hear it for the little girl
folks she's just raring to go bubbling
with enthusiasm
easy sweetheart don't tease them too
much
hey chickadee didn't i see your picture
someplace
no i don't pose for the farmer's almanac
yes folks she'll tease you she'll
tantalize you i tell you this little
lady has more movements than a nervous
swiss watch wind it up sweetheart
say honey after the show would you like
to go out with a real live wire don't
get frisky just cause you got a battery
in your glasses
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hey that's good look friend would you
stop bothering luscious lucille i wasn't
bothering i just want to get a date with
her hey honey have you got anything on
tonight yep but i'm gonna keep them on
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would you stop monopolizing the ladies
time
now i'm in before the show starts
luscious lucille will reveal right now
the sheer scatty scandalous costume she
wears on the inside
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that i don't understand at all
and he's gonna be on my show 28 times
[Applause]
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of sin
may we introduce the daughter of zeus
who was loved by everyone
she made her move
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she was the most immortal maiden
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it's so nice to have a man around the
house
oh so nice to have a man around the
house
someone big and bronze and brawny
you can throw the short and scrawny ones
away
get lost buster
mindy troy would be a toy without a man
[Applause]
there's no joy if there's no boy on your
diving
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[Applause]
life is cozy and much greater
with a trojan gladiator
with a wooden horse to help you crash
the wall
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life is sparse without a spouse around
the house
it's so nice
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that's a nice
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[Applause]
queen
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over the
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cleo
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clean
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who was
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then
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[Applause]
oh
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that's my barge
hey
what mom always liked your head best
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folks you paid your 25 i mean your dime
and now i bring you the world's foremost
mind reader mentalist extraordinary
let's welcome shandu the magician
[Applause]
here are you prepared oh great shandu to
read the minds of these lovely people no
concentrate all right i have a young
lady send her up come on be serious i
want you to identify read her mind what
is this girl's name harley her name is
comment her name is uh cosgrove no uh
joe casgrove no castro frank has grown
no dexter cosgrove no what a guy casual
it's not cosgrove think of that is that
shandu it's not a man's name it's a
simple ordinary girl's name like helen
or mary helen no mary no
shandu i'll give you a hint her name has
something to do with the railroad train
something to train her name is baggage
she's here with her husband excess
baggage no no
not the man the girl a girl's name a
train and a girl a girl on a train give
you a hint all right upper and lower
colon
upper upper bur and lower burrow nothing
that big oh semicolon no no
burberry her name is brother bird fifa
boys
her name is bertha
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can do tell me what whose picture is on
a one dollar bill it's a man wearing a
white wig santa claus
this man was born on a very famous day
on the 22nd of february about 200 years
ago
mickey rooney no
he was called the father of his country
mickey rooney no
chandra don't you remember he crossed
the delaware river in a row boat george
raft
you're half right george half wraps no
you're getting it george half chandu yes
you've been to new york city yes i have
now think all right in new york city yes
they named the george washington bridge
after him go ahead
well who is it give me a hand take a
peek george washington right
[Applause]
[Music]
i think i'm in a hole here oh come on
we have a lovely young couple here who
just returned from las vegas oh is that
so yes now shannon when a couple go to
las vegas yes now what's the first thing
they do when they get to they go there
for matrimony right matrimony yes now do
you believe in matrimony i believe in
free love free sometime i buy my
hamburger but i believe in free love
shandu free love is for the hippies yes
i know what a hippie is what hippie's a
guy that dresses like tarzan walks like
jane and smells like cheetah
you know about hippies yes i do what do
you think of l.s.d one of the best
presidents we ever had
let's get back to madrid shandu let's
take your wife please do no i mean how
how is your wife well at one time i was
married to three women at the same time
simultaneously yes i was shandu yes you
mean you practiced polygamy practice
nothing i'm a professional
all right what happened to your three
wives the first one died what from she
ate poison mushrooms a second she died
what from she ate poison mushrooms and
the third bastian skull why she wouldn't
eat the poison mushrooms
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continuous music the way you like it it
rocks it sucks step right up you
teenagers i tell you i saw him it was
sammy the swindler boy if we catch that
crook he's gonna get 10 years and i
don't forget he's wearing a checkered
suit and a derby check it's suiting a
derby
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pardon me ma'am but you look like the
kind of intelligent woman who'd be
planning for your future
now i can offer you a gold stock who
needs gold stock i've got social
security and medicare
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now how can an honest swindler compete
with the government
get your tickets for the teenage
jamboree continuous music the way you
like it it rocks it sucks get your
ticket you teenager give me give me a
ticket click it are you a teenager seven
times
step right up folks and hear the group
you've all been waiting for paul revere
and the raiders featuring mark lindsay
oh pardon me man that's all right when
does lawrence wealth come on
all the time
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now have you got yourself a brand new
baby don't tell me baby is it so
i got to know
what it's going to be
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[Applause]
don't tell me
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[Applause]
[Music]
are you sure you belong with these guys
of course i'm one of paul revere's
raiders we're talking about this outfit
not the original group
you know somehow i get the feeling you
should be playing ramona
are you kidding
this is my bag man
we go with the big sound right fellas hi
yeah why don't you flake off and stop
bugging our bass player
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face wire
that's a violin
it is
look if you're with them how come you
look so much older it's probably taken a
few extra trips man that takes a lot out
of you
you said it that last one to salt lake
city was murdered
now flake off man those cats out there
want their money's worth
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[Applause]
you won't be sorry fellas i got a little
gold stuff i'll get back in you know
well come on let's go i won a two are
you happy lady
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take
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it me
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[Applause]
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rip
wake up wake up
how are they kidding i don't even wake
up from my own show
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[Applause]
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so
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
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hey
you ruben interested in the job
well i'm interested in the high pay what
kind of a job is that ah it's an easy
job all you have to do is stick your
head through the hole up there let the
customers throw baseballs at you
forget it look mister believe me it's
not that dangerous most people don't
know how to throw a baseball well the
last target i had wasn't hit in three
years
but why did the last target quit she
divorced me
ran off with a half-man half-lady
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that weird triangle i never did
understand
but you don't have to worry about a
thing buster your head's too small to
hit
forget it forget it
look the pay is five dollars an hour
i'll take it yeah
put your head behind the target we'll
get in business okay five bucks five
bucks all right come on ladies and
gentlemen step up here test your skill
hit the cupe doll
three balls for a dime that's it show
the young ladies how you are that's it
win a cupey doll hit the man three balls
for a dime
wait wait a minute mister you look
familiar what's your name
don drysdale
well for five dollars i'll take a chance
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it
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[Applause]
so
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[Applause]
oh
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[Applause]
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ah
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just
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[Applause]
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oh
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
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it
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ah
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so
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[Applause]
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me
yes
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my gosh
foreign
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okay lock it up everyone that's it for
tonight
[Music]
mary was supposed to do this but what
can i do jack is my closest friend
he was my closest
[Music]
[Applause]
where are we where are we hey
hey we're in corn creek corn creek yeah
how do you like that the kabelski
carnival company in corn creek new
mexico oh new mexico well for a minute
there i thought we were going to be
stuck in corn creek kansas all right
everyone everybody come on we got work
to do everybody up come on
now we all have work
customers
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oh boy there's nothing like waking up in
the middle of a stampede
they're my employees yeah well why do
they all have to sleep with us because a
carnival that lives together works
together
it's the kobelski cold i know thank
goodness you sold the elephant
it was either her or the fat lady and
the fat lady's my cousin i know
oh look tanto's still asleep
hey tanto
time to wake up go to work all right all
right don't rush me i'm going away
[Music]
are you sure he's an iroquois
who cares as long as he brings in the
hey jackie
jackie get up will you there's work to
be done
i don't know what's the matter with that
son of ours
he just doesn't have carnival in his
blood
lately nothing seems too exciting yeah
and how many kids get the opportunity to
go to corn creek new mexico
hey do you think he's got a girlfriend
are you kidding girls cost money
his idea of a good time is sitting
around licking trading stamps
boy is he cheap
i can't understand who he takes that
now look at this as soon as you're
through straightening up here i want you
to run the merry-go-round okay gotcha
then at noon the high diver goes to
lunch so you'll jump into the barrel
till one jump till one yeah then you can
take over while the sword swallower gets
his break and then for the rest of the
afternoon i'd like you to box with the
kangaroo okay
who's gonna take the tickets look you're
my wife i don't want you killing
yourself
i'll take the tickets
what's keeping that boy come on jackie
jackie shake a leg jack
hey
do you have enough food for lunch yeah
we got a little cow drinks for the thin
man and potatoes hi cal for the fat man
bones for the dog face boy
rusty nails for the sword swallower
and alphabet soup for the tattooed man a
glass of milk and a couple of straws in
it for the two-headed man
shortening bread for the
i guess we have everything yeah
everything except blocks and bagels for
that indians
[Music]
hey where is that boy
jackie
well i guess i'm ready
goodbye mother
goodbye dad goodbye
yeah jackie what's this all about well
i'll tell you what it's all about i'm 21
and i'm leaving
[Music]
21. he's 33 if he's a day
what do you mean you're leaving well i'm
sick of this carnival you know i don't
have to do this i'm gonna change my name
and be a comedian tell jokes on
television that's where all the money is
money money there are more important
things than money
[Music]
if you weren't my father i'd slap your
face
now jackie don't be fresh now how can
you even think of leaving the carnival
you're my son well at some day this will
all be yours it's already mine who do
you think holds the mortgage
yeah he's right you might as well take
this i'll never be able to keep up the
payment now cut that out
you know you can't return merchandise
after it's been used for 30 days
but this frying pan belongs to me
and i'm gonna take it
and this clock it's mine too
and the can
opener and this is mine
and the glasses
[Music]
now
open your mouth
[Music]
i will not
how do you like that we raised a human
claw machine
you know you ought to be ashamed of
yourself in all my life i've never seen
such an ingrate
you are without a doubt
the stingiest cheapest guy that has ever
walked this earth
wow
[Music]
and i'll tell you something you're
making a mistake son going out there
you know to leave me at this carnival
there are millions of comedians but i'm
not just a comedian
i can also get them with this get a load
of this blue eyes
[Music]
[Applause]
that's it son you've got it go out
[Music]
is
[Music]
we're is their particular brand of
cheers
[Music]
the guy who is the partners how
mr johnny carson won't you take the boat
[Music]
she really made the customers
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that's jack
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is
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[Applause]
oh
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the chuck benny hour
has been brought to you by
ah
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
oh
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so
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[Applause]
[Music]
you