ladies and gentlemen welcome to the
Colgate Comedy
[Music]
[Applause]
Hour just for last and just for fun come
join us the comedy has
justun and our filled with joy is what
we're after the sound of laughter is
going to R from every Raptor Just for
kicks and just for fun we'll pleas you
and tease you and before we're done we
may be riding on but if we do it just
for last
we got D
Adam K
Ballard sh B Village deer
we got Bob
newart Carl rer and
[Music]
Brooks all together in one big show
steady get ready let's go
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
ladies and gentlemen Mr Jack
[Applause]
[Music]
Benny thank you very much ladies and
gentlemen and I want to welcome you to a
very special occasion the return of the
Colgate Comedy Hour now you're probably
surprised to see me here because I
wasn't
advertised and the reason I wasn't
advertised is that they weren't sure
whether they wanted me or
not anyway here I am so now they'll just
have to make up their minds
you know it was 10 years ago that the
Colgate Comedy Hour went off the air and
it was one of the biggest shows in the
history of
Television actually you see I didn't
know it was off the air because well you
see 10 years ago my picture tube went
out and I had an argument with the
television repair man over a service
charge so I never had it
fixed now it just happens that I was
never on the Colgate Comedy Hour myself
as a matter of fact I never did any kind
of a show for Colgate because in those
days it was known as Colgate Palm Olive
and
Pete now I mean I'm just not comfortable
working for any company where it takes
three people to sign the
[Music]
check but tonight on this anniversary
show we have some of the Great Moments
in comedy you would have seen during the
last 10 years on the Colgate Comedy Hour
had it remained on the air and I would
have seen them too if my television
repair man wasn't such a
[Music]
Lous well our first first guest tonight
achieved stardom in a brand new way his
first album called the buttondown mind
of Bob newart sold in the
millions
3,450 th000 albums to be
exact at
37.5 cents for each one imagine that
that means that newart made
1,3
83,7 ever Duron must have known
something anyway here he is ladies and
gentlemen a very wealthy man Bob newart
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
thank you the particular thing I'd like
to do is um I think dedicated to a small
but Brave group of men who who daily
risk their lives that that others might
live and uh as some of you may have
guessed I'm talking about America's
driving instructors I like I like to
present a day in the life of a driving
instructor and you're going to have to
picture if you will this is a car I'm
the driving instructor and seated next
to me as a woman driver
hello hello there well let's see here
now um your your name is Mrs Webb is
that is that correct uhhuh and uh oh uh
Mrs Webb now you've had one lesson here
already H haven't you yeah uh do you
happen to remember the the instructor's
name on
that Mr
Adams or that be ad uh oh wait wait I'm
sorry now here it is Mr and you know um
it really might facilitate things if I
just sort of read ahead a bit to kind of
familiarize myself with the
um
uh how um how how fast were you were you
going when Mr Adams jumped from the
car SE
75 I see where where where was that now
in in in your driveway
huh at at Adams covered starting the car
he he got he got that far did he all
right you want to you want to start the
car and we'll we'll pull out into the
into the stream of
traffic uh what's what's the first thing
we're going to do uh before we pull out
into
traffic well what what what did Mr Adams
do uh be before let you pull out into
traffic well in addition to praying
let's
say no what I what I had in mind was was
checking the rearview mirror you see we
always always want to check
our please uh please don't cry Mr I
didn't uh I didn't mean to shot at you
like
that just as there was there was this
truck you
see okay
uh all right your lane is clear now you
want to pull out into the stream of
driving same to you fella
[Music]
all right uh yeah turn in the street
right here uh there's a driving area not
too far away and uh I think it might
build up your confidence yeah turn turn
right here that's the way build up your
confidence and
um well now that that was my fault again
you see yeah I I in at the
[Music]
corner not not onto this this man's lawn
you
see uh
sir
sir sir would you mind turning off your
sprinkler foret
uh so isn't
he newly seated is is is that right
huh well that's that's kind of always
the way it goes though isn't it sir well
I mean it seems you you know sooner get
the lawn in you know then bang
somebody's got to come
along actually it isn't that darn funny
I guess no
sir you want you want to back out Miss
we yeah thank very much we certainly uh
certainly back out Miss web's going for
the hose
uh Mrs web um now we we just uh we just
backed into someone
uh do uh do you recall it all my talking
about the rearview mirror and and we
were going
to the the red light blinded
you the the flashing red
light on the car you hit
yeah she was she was she was just
telling me about it
off actually actually you're right I
suppose I I should have had her signal
um see I I don't know what the signal is
for coming off someone's lawn that was
that
[Music]
was I I uh Miss Webb I'm going to have
to go with the officers uh to the the
police station it it turns out they've
been following us for the last four or
five blocks and U and and they don't
believe it you see
they they want to get
someone be before I go you you'd like to
get my
name well uh my name is is Frank Dexter
why why do you
ask you you want you want to be sure and
ask for me next time
[Music]
in in the last 10 years parodies have
become respectable and mainly because of
the voice of a a soft sultry lyrical
vocal instrument that comes along once
in a lifetime ladies and gentlemen Mr
Alan
[Applause]
Sherman once in a
lifetime a man has a moment
one wonderful moment when fate takes his
hand this isn't my
moment my moment was
Tuesday you should have been there folks
gosh it was really
[Music]
[Applause]
Grand hello Doris hello Morris what you
doing in the
[Music]
chorus i' like to get you that's the
whole song
Dear though you once were the best Bunny
at the Playboy club you're getting to be
a rabbit with
[Music]
me you do something to me and then I'll
do something to
you I Know a Man his name is Lang and he
has a neon sign and Mr Lang is very old
so they call it Old Lang sign now it's
my turn to introduce someone who
exploded into the comedy scene in the
last 10 years and nobody ever exploded
any bigger or any funnier than my good
friend dick Sean
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
thank
you may I say how happy I am to be here
uh at the uh Colgate Comedy Hour but
things have certainly changed American
taste has changed humor has changed 10
years ago people used to laugh at jokes
like this one fellow says to the other
who said lady I saw you with last night
the other fellow says there was no lady
that was my wife well today that joke is
obsolete 10 years the world is change
we're ready to fly to the moon atomic
energy in order for me to get a laugh
with that very same joke for you people
here's the very same joke with a little
more emotion a little more feeling same
joke for you today with your improved
[Music]
Minds hey man
[Music]
Daddyo who's that crazy chick I saw you
with last night another fell say has no
chick man that's my brother he's got
problems see what I mean you see how
much you've
improved you see the trouble you're in
but this is part of the American scene
people are Freer much more open look at
the people you look to look at the
people you look up at you idolize
everybody on television Superman
Batman Mr terrific all these guys ayis
Diller tremendous Talent
strong this is what the people look up
to when I was a kid 10 years ago well I
wasn't a kid 10 years ago but 10 years
ago tarzen was the guy we looked up to
10 years ago he was considered it today
he's considered pretty
Square I loved him
anyway he was everything any kid wanted
to be when he grew up big hairy and
Jewish remember him Johnny weer was my
tires and 6'5 200 20b greatest build you
ever saw and I loved him until I heard
him talk in a movie
once my hero
[Music]
all right boy come over
here those today but it's not easy it's
not easy today I I don't put down the
actors of today but I don't put them
down at all but I tell you now that
they've got to have something more
because the people demand something more
look at the people you idolize the
singers it's very easy to make fun of
them very easy the guys today the
monkeys have you seen these fellas
[Music]
work that's where the kids walk they
want that they they love animals the way
these I've worked with them all and
before they seing they warm up like
[Music]
this come on
right like a sing little song hope you
like one hot dog going on
down and in the old days used to sing
out beautiful girls they used to sing
about beautiful girls and birds and
trees today they sing yeah peanut
butter yeah peanut butter fine drinking
with wine could get stuck in your
mouth well let me tell you about my
girlfriend she got things all over her
back she got funny little things on her
arms and under her nails and in her hair
I don't care cuz she's
clean yeah she very clean she got a
clean
spleen te she's a hot
dog and here's the biggest hit of them
all you can talk about your women you
ought to see mine hair on the head like
a bowl of twine skin on the belly as
tight as a drum every time she walks she
goes bum bum bum
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
thank
you that
was well everything has changed for the
better oh you are a wonderful audience
and the show keeps rolling along there's
a couple of guys that are going to come
on now that I just can't help and can't
wait to get out there in front and see
you've seen them many times most of us
here here tonight are here to do comedy
highlights of the last 10 years well for
the last 2,000 years belongs to Carl
Reiner and Mel Brooks ladies and
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
gentlemen ladies and gentlemen this
gentleman here is one of the phenomena
of the world he looks no older than Mr
Shawn and yet he is 2,000 years old is
that true sir yes you want to see my
driver's license no no we we have no
authenticate the mayil clinic has
checked you out and said that you are
2,000 sir what has kept you alive for
2,000 years then I'll go in an
airplane if I'll go in an airplane I'll
never sit in the first two seats or the
last two seats from an airplane you not
sitting in the first two or the last two
seats the last two has kept you alive I
don't understand that why has that
because if the plane unfortunately
should take a flop out from the sky
you're going to go down with it and
break your foot right yes but if if the
plane as you say flops out of the sky
everybody and all the seats will break
their feet I mean at least yeah let me
amend that any seat is no good in other
words you're afraid to fly in an
airplane on the
noi I see but why because if the good
Lord meant man to fly he would have
given him tickets
right sir I've always been interested in
the origin in the origin of words for
instance a simple word like cheese where
did that come from cheese is a lovely
story how we get the word cheese in our
in our
vernacular in the year 28 Dash there was
an old farmer and he a gentleman came to
his land and said I'm so thirsty may I
have a little dipper milk and he said
certainly go over to the barrel he not
knowing that the barrel of milk had sour
see so this poor beggar man came to the
barrel and opened up from the top and
looked in and looked down
cheese that's the word that's how the
word cheese came into be very an poetic
yes and that's the truth yes now we
don't use that anymore no no now we go
in be sh to the grocery I'll have cheese
you don't go cheese you Scar the
grocery you notice what they're doing
now very
interesting there's a custom that has
come down Through the Ages where did it
start people applauding when they like
something this this is this is nothing
did people always do that in the old
days very sophisticated this little what
did you do in a caveman when we were
excited we did something primitive and
natural I mean when we were exposed to a
wonderment if we really reacted I mean
it was a but not like this no not like
that well how did you react did you do
something you do something and I'll show
you the oldfashioned Applause you you
sing a little song I'll show you how
when we like something we really B for
it go ahead okay go ahead you sing a
little song a high not
did you see that yes did you see that
did natural
reaction people actually hit themselves
face what that hurts though yeah you bet
it hurts now but people right and listen
it was a dangerous thing we could not
continue to react to wonderments like
that because when we had a big star you
know like Sammy Davis Senior would come
and play the C way back there you know
not Junior the old one yes we couldn't
we would hide ourselves when he was
terrific so Murray the Wise One Murray
was he was smart Mar said folks pull
your faces out of the plause pull your
faces out said what do you mean example
terrific
terrific out of the Applause see that's
that's how thank you very much sir thank
you very much you don't want them to
applaud by by doing that no don't hurt
your faces folks just a simple little
clapping will suffice thank you very
[Music]
[Applause]
thank you we move onward and upward with
three ladies who prove that men didn't
have a monopoly on Comedy in the last
decade you're a good introducer you must
be in the show big I am thank you ladies
and gentlemen nanet fabra Edie Adams and
K Balor
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
just
for just for
fun we're going to please you
and we're
done we open up our bag of tricks be for
you we'll
never bore
you we do some dancing for you
[Music]
[Applause]
no time for Tak all
of everything we're doing just for
[Applause]
[Music]
a
[Music]
hello
[Music]
what
[Applause]
[Music]
here is something we think you should
know hear that
laugh R from the
rap that's the time to say you got to go
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
now now we go to the hippest and
Authority on the last 10 years Go Go
Girls mini skirts teeny boppers drop out
sit in op and pop happenings and freak
outs Mr
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
R mother nature and father time just
can't get together it seems Because by
the time we learned the game we're too
old to make the
teens and for those of you who are
pushing
40 or dragging it behind you how many
young people still in the throws of your
academ mic Pursuits I say continue your
knowledge go on into college and stay
there until you are through if they
could make penicillin out of moldy
cheese they can make something out of
[Music]
you at any rate I projected that
philosophy a good deal further when in
1964 I said that friendship and love is
the key to Universal benevolence and I
reiterate tonight friendship to the
whole world to all the white people who
are using Manan and coone in summer I
want you to know that I am using a
bleaching cream called yellow
fellow if you nice enough to gr
[Music]
down the least I can do is try and meet
you
halfway now I haven't forgotten civil
rights I'm just thinking about National
Defense seat on the top deck won't mean
much if the ship sinks
[Applause]
well you got no self-control go ahead
and
appla well actually there have been a
number of Highly publicized marriages
they've been referred to in the
journalistic Estates as May and December
marriages a very famous judge proposed
to a coed at first he said no but he
held her for further questioning and
there's another highly notable marriage
I won't mention it I won't joke about it
you know which one I don't joke about
about that one no sir the mafia is
tougher than the
NAACP and uh it's kind of hard to think
we shall overcome with a mouthful of
cement now we were just
think well the geop iCal Intrigue has
intensified in these years we've had
allies we've had enemies and they have
been neutrals neutrals are those people
who don't know that Atomic Fallout can
blow
sideways but
uh there has been a great deal of
endless talk about this topless
situation well as far as this topless
business is concerned I look at it like
this
actually another craze a Gastly
phenomenon that has made its appearance
known in the last few years has been the
discotek and to keep you up to date I'm
going to call out the troops and we're
going to do a little skate all right I
one a two do going
[Applause]
l in get to the right I bet you win a
little feed skap I get ready for the
duck W walk
like a mess with that's like having a f
Ste dance now this is shingling
jingling make it good
jingling
understood to the left to the right one
more time get out of little Mar monkey
and when we threw that'll be the time to
do the booo
Bo
easy now and
gra
attitude smile on your face boy boo yes
girl boo no one more time and if you be
ready to go
refuse everybody going
to
yeah all right here we go
on look good to
[Music]
do in the last 10 years the large hotels
in Las Vegas and in Florida have started
the book Motion Picture stars now the
ultimate reach recently with the
announcement that the Great British
actor Richard Burton is currently
appearing in a nightclub he's making his
nightclub debut now tonight Dan Rowan
and Dick Martin present their classic
version of a Shakespearean evening in a
Las Vegas Saloon with Richard Burton and
a drunk heckler
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
the good evening ladies and gentlemen
this evening is the beginning for me a
series of Shakespearean events forward
with a great deal with a great deal of
anticipation for the past several months
hi there
old over the years hi
there how are you sir this evening
pretty
good this evening marks for me hey
you're all
right it's an opportunity you're okay in
my booko
buddy you're all right I get a kick out
of
you thank you very much but I have not
yet begun well
begun I was finding it just a little
noisy well hold it
down it's always seemed to
me these great
plays would enjoy a tremendous
popularity throughout the world of
people understood the content of the
play Shakespeare wrote for the people of
his time his language was the language
of the
streets he not only hey I'm from P
Illinois not only used the I'm here on a
convention I'm your Roto rter
man you cram at will Ram
[Applause]
[Music]
you know
sir I don't believe you know where you
are nor who I am well that's two out of
two well I don't know who you are sir
but I want you to
Parker I beg your pardon I'm Park and
Parker Park and Parker from Poria Oh
Park Ward Park and
Parker Park Ward p park and Parker
what does a p stand for
Fred Fred P h r e
d matter with you yeah well you see Mr
Park and farker that doesn't sound right
when you
say well you're the first bark and
farker I've ever
met I'm sorry if I mispronounced your
name I would imagine that since you're
here this evening you're a fan of The
Shakespearean drum oh fine thank you
very happy to hear that I certainly hope
we've selected something this evening
which will tickle your fancy it isn't an
Easy
Choice he begins this climactic speech
which he resolves his many doubts I'm so
high my hair
hurts but he begins with these lines
[Music]
oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I
that is the worst thing I've ever heard
is it not mon the worst thing I've ever
heard I got a tiger my back
[Applause]
[Music]
he
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
you're all right
sir it's obvious I can't continue I
wonder if you'd mind coming to the
microphone I'd like to ask you a
question I'd be more than happy well I'd
appreciate it which way is
it oh you got a deal anything I can do
to help you certainly aren't under the
impression you've been any help to me
well you sat at that table and have made
a total disaster of my nightclub debut
oh
Pasa not a great deal more to me than a
simple Pasa Harum
trying to tell you sir I found you
offensive well thank you and I'd like to
ask you if you have
finished you're all through oh so why
don't you say good night wonderful thank
you very much Ladi
[Applause]
andk you I would um I would certainly
like to congratulate you sir on another
superb performance this evening you
liked it I think that when it comes to
being crude crash and contemptible you
probably are tops in your field that's
just a character let's just pretend
after all this is a business of tinsel
and magic and make believe oh inside the
real me is a sensitive delicate artist
you're a painter h no just watch
[Music]
big one what's the big one
Aon
[Music]
Lu by FB laundry detergent with Borax
new emerald green prolive dishwashing
liquid HX double Beach cleanser it's
million B well how do I win your ma and
you're going
toing cou and they're coming to you free
and what are the prizes Grand priz
$25,000 cash Plus brand new Toronado
luxury car of all
the the wow $25,000 in cash in the new
car what are the other
[Music]
prizes entertainment C tap record
2,459
million
you how do I know if I've won
every has a number that is on the back
take it to your local market and you're
on the right track
[Applause]
away
[Music]
Cay but I've never W anything in a
contest everybody WIS
C
begin yes coupons are on their way to
you redeem them at your store for big
savings on Ajax Palm Olive liquid and
Fab and while you're there check the
numbers on the back of the coupons to
see if you are one of the
24,4 59 lucky winners in Colgate Million
Dollar Reef
State the
big the great one one of the lucky
winners May
[Music]
[Applause]
thank you 10 years ago a man picked up a
telephone Excuse me
yes and instead of making a call don't
just put it on the foot there and
instead of making a call he made a
brilliant career here recreating one of
his comedy Classics is Mr Shelly Burman
Shel Burman
[Music]
[Applause]
hello
H hello hello hello oh
hello
there I'm fine thank you and how are
[Applause]
you right thank you very much uh is is
your mother
there I'm fine thank you
fine is is is your mommy home I'm fine
sweetheart fine this where where is your
mommy oh well tell her when she's
through I'd like to talk to her
please don't tell me any more than that
there that's all right then that's all
right what are you are you a little boy
or a little girl oh why don't you ask
your mommy show tell youone go call
Mommy to the telephone and this oh
sweetheart don't put the telephone on
the hook now honey put it on the table
sweetheart cuz you put it on the
hook hello there are you fine thank you
fine listen you hung up on me you little
let's know you put the telephone on the
hook and I told you to put it on the
table no honey you see what happened you
oh oh bless
it
hello I this little kid I don't put the
telephone down you understand me you
hold the telephone in your hand you hear
what I'm saying to you and you your fat
little claw you hold the phone I'm
warning you if you put that telephone
down lightning will strike you and
you'll
die I'm
God I'm fine thank you
fine now stand still and scream mommy
what are you crying for I didn't scare
you I can't help it if I'm God call your
mommy hello Mommy March March it's me
said I am fine thank you I'm not
screaming it just seems to me you're a
household has a morbid interest in my
health your kid acts like a beneficiary
of my insurance policy listen do me a
favor tell my nephew he's a boy will he
doesn't know he doesn't know I asked
before you know what the heck I was
talking about what do you mean he's a
baby now is when he should know now
during his formative years don't wait
till he grows up and makes an arbitrary
decision
[Applause]
and now I'm going to introduce Phyllis
Diller and I guess the only way to do
that is with the words of John
Keats She Walks in Beauty like the
night if Keats knew that I was using his
words to describe Phyllis
Diller he would have impaled himself on
his
[Music]
quill but for women throughout the world
she is is their leader Miss Phyllis
[Applause]
Diller her in
profile for her hair
Heavenly why is for her youthfulness
Eternal her legs are quite as to
[Music]
see her love is now a
legend is is the rest there's nothing
more no nothing
more put them all together they
feel that sexy s
weor thaty sexy
we
[Music]
[Applause]
adore thank you thank you thank you
thank you you know a thing of beauty is
en Joy forever I feel like I got about
20
minutes but I shouldn't be I've had a
fantastic year I don't know how to my
third book at this very moment is going
into its sixth printing of course if I
could print better I wouldn't have to do
it
over and the name of my book is Passion
power greed and fury it's a
cookbook which I have already been
requested to rewrite by the Food and
Drug
idiots you see the minute you write a
cookbook they visit your
kitchen well that blew the
book my book is full of great household
hints I can tell you what to do with
sauerkraut providing it's
December you silver it and the hanging
on a
tree it sinks but it's
beautiful and I'm great in a crisis in
the home for instance one day our stove
broke down and when I say down I mean to
the
basement I missed it right
away I felt kind of silly standing over
a hole in the floor with a spoon in my
hand and the bra downstairs wasn't to
happy about it
either so I heated Fang's dinner in the
dryer what a mess I should never have
dried a load with
it so I realized with his dinner looking
so bad I would have to greet him at the
door looking like Bridget Baux so I put
on a
sheet it looks more like
Gandhi so I him in the house I put the
food in front of him and right away he
starts beefing he says what is this
stuff on top you know I hate coconut I
said eat it it's
lint how did I know he he had given up
lint for
laugh and then Thanksgiving I got in the
worst mess stuffed a turkey took me
three weeks stuffed it through the
beak that was the only thing
open and I was very patient I sat there
all that time with my my eyebrow
tweezers while Thanksgiving goes past so
then I decided to shoot for Christmas
although I'm going to be terribly busy
silvering
sauerkraut now I got another problem
this thing is beginning to
smell oh I learned the true meaning of
the word
[Music]
foul and I cannot put this thing in the
refrigerator because that's where I keep
my
ironing so here's what I did to
refrigerate the turkey I hung the body
out the window shut the window on the
neck left the inside and I went on with
my
work and everything is going great until
I get this telephone call so it's the
woman downstairs with a stove on her
back I would have dropped it on her
anyway I hate
her she's so ugly she had her nose fixed
and her mouth won't work
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
hey how are you I'm fine I'm fine phis
these are for you because you are
magnificent really oh well thanks I'm
sorry they didn't have your favorite
Cactus but that's
about aren they pretty huh thank you
they're beautiful and they look
delicious what are you doing here anyway
well I came to see you naturally you
came to plug your book five women I love
a bestseller don't be
absurd this is a shortcut to the golf
course not even Robert goule plays in
the
dark I know you're here to plug your
latest movie eight on the lamb what for
what for the critics love it the public
loves it it's been out over a week and
it hasn't been sold to television it's a
hit B I'm sorry I J well you don't think
I'd come out here and your debut on the
Colgate show to plug a picture you
wouldn't of course not there Comes A
Time and every man's life when he has to
put selfish motives behind him you're
wonderful you you really are you're the
most generous considerate unselfish a
fabulous human being in the whole
world you're cake my dear there you are
thanks
[Music]
w
[Applause]