from a Hollywood the Jack Benny program
with Jack's guest Jack John
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thank you thank you very very much
ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the
show
well here I am again standing in front
of millions of viewers completely
relaxed and out of worry in the world
now some critics will attribute this to
my years of experience others will say
it's the temperament of a true artist
personally I feel that it's nauseating
confidence now my psychology and
starting out with a remark like that is
a is to get you people to dislike me
immediately then when you realize that
you're disliking a nice harmless elderly
man this gives you a guilt complex
now this complex leads to sympathy
sympathy leads to laughter laughter
leads to applause and then when the
applause is over you go home and I go to
the bank
that's when I laugh but the reason I
never worry about my shows is because
when I told my father years ago that I
was going to go into show business
he gave me something to wear around my
neck and then he said to me son when
you're on the stage and the audience
isn't laughing your act is flopping and
things aren't going right he says just
take it out laugh just saved my life
I wouldn't kill myself for $100 well I'm
not gonna talk any longer because I know
you'll be very much interested in
meeting my guest star a young fellow who
in a very short time has become one of
the most popular singers of popular
songs and one of our great recording
artists mr. Jack Jones
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it only takes a moment for your eyes to
meet handle
your heart knows
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Oh
I know for an instant
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and strong
takes a moment to belong
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Oh
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sure
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takes a moment
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No
- Lila
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yeah that was just great now I know why
you sell so many record well thank you
mr. Benny Jack I must ask you something
you know when you decided to go into
show business how did you happen to pick
such a simple name like Jack Joe that's
my real name
I'm sure you know my dad Alan Jones I
not only know Alan Jones I sold him the
donkey used to serenade I can't get over
a little Jackie gosh I remember you
years and years ago when you were a kid
you know I used to gee now you're almost
as tall as I am I used to go over to
your house years and years ago every
Saturday night well I thought my folks
used to go out every Saturday night they
did I was your babysitter
I don't understand mr. Benny I did have
a babysitter but if I remember correctly
it was a little old lady well you see I
used to go to your house right from the
studio I was making Charley's aunt at
the time
I used to tell all the Kentish my
babysitter was a funny old lady who
smokes cigars years ago but Jack I can't
tell you how happy I am with the success
you have with your wonderful voice and
the recordings you know your great
records wives and lovers lollipops and
roses you know I made a few records
myself with my violin oh sure I know I
have your last record it's a collector's
item it is yes
cylinders went out with Thomas Edison I
know I've always told me that it's
always wise to interject a little humor
Oh your father told you that they also
tell you to ask for the top salary when
you came on my show no I I did that on
my own yeah
as a matter of fact I got some very good
advice once I was told that when you're
negotiating a deal never let's sentiment
of friendship interfere always get every
dime you can get and who gave you that
advice that little old lady who used to
sit with me
let that be a lesson to you babysitter's
never open your mouth except to eat the
fruit now now jack
before we go under our sketch you know
this play that we're going to do I'm
sure that our audience would like to
hear a knock or what is it gonna be
bewitched five wonderful beautiful
number
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I am wild again the Galligan a simpering
whimpering child bewitched bothered and
bewildered couldn't sleep
wouldn't sleep love came and told me I
shouldn't sleep bewitched bothered and
bewildered
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you lost my heart she is cool she can
laugh
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I'll say spring for the day
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bewitched bothered and bewildered
what what of it
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with
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well
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ladies and gentlemen tonight we pay
tribute to those dedicated men and women
who have chosen teaching as their
profession men and women who devote
their time and energies to molding the
lives of the younger generation our
scene takes place in the principal's
office of an old high school in a
typical American city good morning
Benedict Arnold high school I know but
the school was named before he turned
out to be a louse well I'm sorry that's
really not my responsibility if you
could possibly call back later on this
afternoon oh wait a minute just a second
I think I hear the principal coming now
hold on good morning sir it's Mrs Bailey
on the phone
I knew she called thank you yes Mrs
Bailey I'm sorry but your son was
naughty in class last week and I thought
it would teach him a lesson if I kept
him after school well perhaps I did keep
him a bit too long goodbye Bailey you
may go home
thank you were a little hard on the
Bailey boy no I don't I will not have
students showing disrespect I just want
to show you what he carved look at this
what he carved on my desk
I hate principal
but baby boy didn't do that well if he
didn't who did your wife
I mean I didn't recognize her
handwriting she's got the same thing in
needlepoint on our bedspread I'll take
it yes oh yes I've got that right thank
you very much Oh mr. Jones could I talk
to you a moment please certainly sir
oh by the way sir before I forget it and
the student committee has finally chosen
a mascot for a Benedict Arnold High
School they have what is it a chicken
with a yellow streak down his back very
appropriate hello yes yes thank you yes
thank you very very much
Oh mr. Jones here's what I wanted to
talk to you about now how long have you
been teaching 11th grade English about
three years sir that's right you've been
teaching our students English for three
years now take a look at this paper just
want to show you something the spelling
is atrocious coming see you mmm ing H
OWS see
sir these days the students don't seem
to grasp the fundamentals of phonetic
sounding of words and that hampers them
and their spelling but mr. Jones
you wrote this it's your letter asking
for a rain
sorry sir
and you spelled Ray's raz mr. Joe
sit down man will you please write over
here on this chair something I want to
say mr. Jones when you came here I had
high hopes for you you had an excellent
record excellent
you are a conscientious young man eager
to transfer your knowledge to students
mr. Jones
will you pay attention please attention
a te n sh o n I'm sorry sir I dozed off
stirred Oh what's the matter with you
lately I guess I'm a little tired sir
it's the extra work I'm doing extra work
well sir I can't quite seem to make out
on the salary I'm getting as a teacher
so I had to take on some extra work at
night I see now Jones this extra work
you're talking about I take it excuse me
hello
yes thank you I'll take care of it right
away yes sir Oh Jones this extra work
you're
[Laughter]
Jones this extra work you're talking
about I take it you you do it after
school oh yes sir at 3:30 when the bell
rings I have just enough time to put on
my rubber boots and rush off to the car
wash you work in a car wash I'm a rear
fender man a schoolteacher with a BA and
MA and a PhD washing a kar I can't get
over well it's only for four hours sir
at 8 o'clock I'm a ticket taker and a
drive-in movie two o'clock in the
morning I know just in time for me to
start delivering milk mr. Jones you're a
teacher how can you expect to do all
these things and still
you were asleep with your eyes oh I know
that's how I fool my class as principal
of this school I can't allow anything to
interfere with your teaching well sir
from now on I can assure you I'll be
wide awake and you better be because I
know what's going on in every classroom
in this school
and you know how I know I'll be here 3 X
plus 4 equals 16 then we know that x
equals 4 the algebra class we the people
of the United States in order to form a
more perfect union establish justice the
history class Vera I love you I love you
don't talk just kissing whoops I got the
teachers recreation room
oh I'm sorry I'm 15 minutes late sir
that's all right mr. Wilson now here is
Wilson who is in charge of one of our
most important programs physical fitness
here's a good example for you Jones
here's a man who's been with us eight
years makes the same salary you do and
not only does he sustain himself but I
hear that every day comes to work in a
taxi I have to I Drive it you drive a
taxi yes and Jones a bizarre louse a
wash job he gave me yesterday hey your
milk bill and you get a better job
hello okay I've got it thank you for
calling now Wilson I'm most annoyed with
you you know you're already in hot water
for stealing the kids lunches being
sorry isn't enough I just can't believe
that my teachers find it necessary to
scrounge around for other means of
income
this cows how dairy I'd have been here
sooner but I hurt my leg when I fell off
the runway how can I run a school with
everyone working on the side I can't
understand teachers thinking so little
of their of their profession I mean so
lacking and dedication that they would
think more why money leaves this room
what you're under arrest
arrest there's my phone I'll get that I
get the phone hello no we're not taking
any more bets
there's the bookie joint is closed
the principal of our school a bookie
all right so you found out yes yes I'm a
bookie I had to do something to make
money what's wrong with me having a side
job
I can teach you no let's go - wait a
minute wait a minute I want to ask you
something first
how did you find out I mean who who
tipped you off
mr. Jones Jones you you tipped them off
besides working in a car wash and
driving movie and delivering milk I'm
also an agent for the FBI
come on
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and I hope we didn't offend anybody with
that play we did I must admit we debated
a long time before we did the sketch
because you know when you do a show
about professional groups is he you know
like doctors lawyers plumbers they all
complain so we knew we were on dangerous
ground when we did this sketch tonight
about the school and sure enough the
calls have started to come in
in fact we've already gotten 10
complaints not from teachers from
bookies actually only nine of them were
complaining about the show one of them
called to remind me to pay up on my
election bet still I still can't get
over duly Luzi and I'd like to bring out
my guest star Jack Joe
tell me what are your plans for the
future well I'm cutting to record albums
next week mm-hmm and then I'm making a
few television appearances I've got a
movie lined up and I'm doing some
nightclub engagements say you're pretty
busy aren't you well if I get any busier
I'll have to cut out my milk route I
know
well good night folks
and we'll be seeing you soon
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you