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from Hollywood the Jack Benny program
for this special guest Bob Hope
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[Applause]
mr. penny are you dizzy no no well would
you mind if I speak to you about
something personal something personal
what is it well I think the time has
come for you to think about getting
another secretary Oh see I I hate to
have you quit you know I can make things
a little bit easier for you you know a
little less filing a less typing oh you
know I don't mind doing that
it's just that I'm sick and tired of
knitting socks for you
miss them yourself I don't know I used
to but people kept staring at Mia on the
bus and anyway we'll talk about this
later
I look at I have gone through all of my
investments here and I've got to get rid
of some of these stocks so will you
please make a list all right ten shares
of Townsend pipe organ company yes
that's a company that makes pipe organs
for theatres well I imagine you'll want
to get rid of that I don't know I just
had a letter from them they said of
silent pictures ever come back they'll
start they'll start paying dividends
again
maybe art what's nice the ideal harpoon
excuse me just one minute
mr. belly for a man who's is shrewd with
money as you are I don't understand how
you could have made such investments I
don't either miss Gordon
I really don't look at these company
after company I've invested money and
every one of them has failed they've all
failed gee that's a shame yeah I must
have lost over $200
well I'm not going to jump I'm over oh
I've never seen such companies the ideal
harpoon company now why would you buy
three shares of that well that was the
controlling interest
three shares controlling interest well
they were only five I don't know who
owns the other two I mean he never comes
to any of the meetings I guess he must
be an Eskimo well that must be a fine
company owned by Nanook of the north and
chinook of the south
very good that's quite funny I like
the better you know your writers have
been in there working all morning you
have to keep checking on them well I've
got him on a special assignment I want
him to finish before Bob Hope gets here
Bob Hope's coming here that's right I've
got a wonderful idea for both of us ah
hey fellas
well have you got a lot of good jokes oh
yeah well we thought of a lot of good
jokes yeah yeah well you must have you
been typing in there for about three
hours yeah let's see what you've got
well uh Bobby you tell my Bobby no Mel
you tell it hang on buddy well you tell
him Bobby
okay we forgot to put paper in a
typewriter
that's all me
you bet typing for three hours and
you've got nothing to show for it
but maybe you can read it off here
read off of here well you like car and
you can eat it
I beg your pardon miss I beg your pardon
we do not like right corn I write clever
stuff no no Bobby
I am the clever one Nobel no I am clever
you're intelligent go back in the room
and start over again will you and take
this with you now I want you to finish
this before the day is over
oh now go ahead after you Mel don't you
go first please
why don't fire them I'll say is this the
funhouse
hey Bob come on in after you open the
window why go ahead and open the window
if this is all about
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[Applause]
just just to come into an office yeah
when you get to be a big star you'll
understand hey this is a nice store you
got here who you're sharing with I'm
sharing with anybody this is my office
sit down no kidding
Oh Jack what did you want to see me
about well look at I covered all of that
when I spoke to you on the phone yeah
but you talk so fast I couldn't
understand what you were saying well
looking when you move to where the call
is local I'll talk slower
I hope so I've hardly heard from you
since your pigeon died
stop look Bob look I want you to be
serious because what I have to tell you
is really sensational I've got an idea
that'll make you a fortune look if
you're trying to unload that harpoon
stock on me forget it
I'm not about this is something entirely
new now just listen to this look at Bob
now you and I have been very very
successful in all branches of show
business right yeah I mean confortable
and on the stage and radio in television
yet there's one part of show business
that we haven't even tried together well
I'm game if you have the fans and the
balloons
I don't mean that Bob I'm talking about
making a comedy record mm-hmm hey Bob
hole Jack Benny comedy record hey that
sounds like a good idea well you're darn
right it is and we'll go to a recording
studio and what do we need a studio for
I've got all the recording equipment
right at my house in my den your hands
yeah I got a producer and engineer
everything they sleep in
they sleep in this I didn't here before
and this is just the start of the show
well that's wonderful you say you got
let's go back to the prop
you say you say you got you got a
recording this is well trying to ignore
yeah
yeah you say you've got a recording room
younger house yes I'm gonna do all our
recorded yeah I'm gonna sleep in well
that's fine
how soon can we do this well how about
tomorrow morning 10 o'clock I'll be
there okay Jack I better be running
along alright
all nights jack
is really fried our fortunes they will
climb when it comes to making money you
can squeeze out every dime
thank you so much
well a guy but we're gonna make a great
record together hey fellas will you
bring in whatever you've got
yeah I know you've been in there quite a
while I hope you got a lot of good stuff
for that record for Bob Hope and me and
family we got a lot of goodies for you
yeah good come let me see what do you
mean not too weak at pay hey listen how
long have you fellas been working for me
23 years no no no Bobby 22 years 23
years I think I pay you every week all
right well why why do I have to pay you
for this because this is extracurricular
activity you don't even know what
extracurricular means we do too it's
like it's like her knitting knee socks
for you
that's right so go ahead pay us in
advance
well how much do you want $50 we'll
split it even yeah well if I have to to
get the material all right $50 huh all
right here's 20 for you and 20 for you
hey thank you
hey wait a minute Bobby didn't we ask
him for $50 yeah well he gave us $20
each if he didn't notice it forget it
Sam you got real good stuff here really
it's really one give us a great joke
look I want to rehearse this and I want
one of you fellows to read Bob Hope's
lines Oh Bobby you go ahead you do Bobby
yeah
miss Gordon will you please come in here
yes mr. Benny no I've got this stuff for
the record see and I want you to read oh
I got some bigamy marvelous material and
I want you to read Bob Hope's lines and
I'll read mine
Oh Howard okay they're all right all
right I sit right down here and read how
you just read Bob Hope's lines and I'll
read
I'll read mine sit up fine no okay now
start your your hope now start okay um
have you been feeling lately Jack well
Bob I've been out of condition sort of
flabby so I went to my doctor in Beverly
Hills and I said he said Jack what you
need is more exercise so early this
morning I got up and went out to my golf
club got my caddy and started out and I
was doing very well till we got to the
8th hole I got a good Drive then I turn
to my caddie and I said what do you
think I should use to get to the green
and he said a golf cart I'm tired of
carrying you
now you Yuri Bob Hope's I love it Jack
you mean you wrote him piggyback I not
only wrote a piggyback but for four
holes a set of golf
I played polo Bob's like polo yes
Bob at the end of 17 holes I was even
par no no balls I lost one and found one
well not quite even the one I found was
better than the one I lost you see oh
you mean the one you lost wasn't in very
good shape
well it was such bad shape instead of a
tee I used an egg cup wonderful yeah I
like the way those boys got me into
those golf jokes by having Bob ask me
how I feel
hey fellas fellas fellas listen you did
up you did a wonderful job on this
script
Bobby Donna no Melton how Bobby
he's eight that are great you know I
know that Bob Hope will love this script
well I don't know why I love it
you've got all the jokes don't you think
you ought to at least give a couple of
them to Bob
why should I this whole thing about the
record was my idea gee I don't know Bob
such a big house
where's the recording room oh my god you
that no sir
there we are sir thank you thank you now
how how long is this transfer good for
today only oh hello mr. penny hello
we're all set up here so we can start
recording just as soon as mr. hope comes
down Oh fine well I brought my violin a
long case I want to put a little music
on the record you see so while I'm
waiting for Bob I'll practice a little
Oh fine you go right ahead
oh thank you thank you very much Phoebe
down pretty soon I imagine huh okay I'd
say okay
no no this is Bob's house
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[Laughter]
that's a pretty sneaky way to get me out
of the shower
I'm sorry yeah well watch it I'll be
down in a minute
last time I pull this my pajamas fell
down
featuring sir the stock market dropped
the same day
my a chauffeur oh yes back to shower
number five pretty good so take a
shortcut through the bowling alley start
at any time oh by the way I want you to
meet my producer dick Riley Oh
what do you say let's get started then
just a minute jack till I call my help
in your hell yeah you have to have an
audience for these recordings oh oh
that's right oh come on everybody right
in here
[Laughter]
um these these people are your help on
this side of the house
[Laughter]
[Applause]
on this side well why can't they work
the other side too well they used to but
it was so much trouble going through
customs
[Laughter]
I can't get over it
look at you have someone to cook someone
to do your laundry drive your car clean
the house give you massages cut your
hair well you got the same thing
Rochester
look I've got the most wonderful script
right here I don't know wait a minute
wait a minute just a minute
no what's the matter well I've had
experience in producing these comedy
records and I think we need some kind of
a gimmick Bob it isn't right to you and
Jack to read off a prepared script why
well if this record is gonna mean
anything I think you two should sit down
and talk to each other you know like
sort of off the cuff hey Jack I think
he's got something that's what we'll do
we live live
what's the matter jack you just turned
green I've already paid 40 $50 I mean we
can't do jack it won't be hard we'll
just talk about anything anything
anything at all sure well okay the only
thing is we'll have to think of some way
to get started that's great I've got a
great idea we can start out by you you
asking me how I'm feeling
are you feeling yes that's why we're sad
don't be have you say to me how you feel
so gonna start his ending you ready
certainly okay everything sets y'all
fine alright y'all give me a hand here
huh all right no listen Jack Jack you
sit down on this stool and bar right now
you come down and sit down here huh
alright let's see now look at this all
okay all right now don't forget Bob
you're gonna ask me how I'm feet a is a
rolling it speed ladies and gentlemen
have you ever wondered why two comedians
talk about when they're not on the air
well let's go out to Bob Hope's house
where he's chatting with Jack Benny and
listen in on their conversation
I'll tell me jack how you been feeling
lately
what did you say Bob I've been feeling
lately well lately I've been sort out of
condition you know sort of flabby oh I
think your flabby Jack I've got an uncle
whose skin is so loose whenever he takes
a bath his wife has to iron him
yeah what were you saying
I was saying I was out of condition sort
of flabby so I went to see my doctor
oh yes speaking of doctors I know a
doctor who's invented a new stethoscope
it doesn't amplify your heartbeat but
you can tell how much money you have in
your wallet
yeah he's a wonderful surgeon he gets
$50 for taking our tonsils $500 for
taking out an appendix and $25 for
carving turkeys
go on with your story I said Bob I was
not a conditioned sort of flabby so I
went to see my doctor in Beverly Hills
Beverly Hills yeah Saint Beverly Hills
is so risky it's already at the only
city that has parking meters to take
credit cards and where else can you find
a city park that has minx instead of
squirrels
wealthy in Beverly Hills but they eat so
much rich food they have the only
garbage disposal to get the gout the
city is so ritzy the dogs have only
trained fleas Beverly Hills has more
foreign cars in Tijuana
[Applause]
what's the matter jack we're supposed to
be making this record together and so
far I haven't had a chance to say
anything you're getting all the last all
but Jack well I'm not gonna stay here
and be humiliated you have no right to
take advantage of me
oh speaking of taking advantage did you
hear about the guy in the first the
record is all I'm never gonna work with
you again well I'll hold it Jack you
can't walk out on us now you what do you
mean I can well you can't walk out on us
I've already contacted a recording
company and they gave us an advance
order of a million records I don't care
a million record of which you get one
half of the profits I do sit down Bob
start the tape
Joey Bob how do you like living in
Beverly Hill oh I love Beverly Hills
it's the only place where the fire
department comes by appointment only
really
for dogs but all the Chihuahuas have
toupees
Beverly Hills is the only city that has
drive-in jail cells
we'll be back in just a moment with
these special guests Bob
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well that's it Bob thanks for being on
my show
thanks jack for having me and I don't
you think you ought to thank the
audience you thank them they're your
help well thank you goodnight help
tonight folks tonight
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