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from hollywood to jack benny program
with his special guest lucille ball
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thank you very very much ladies and
gentlemen and welcome to the show
now i know you're wondering why i'm
dressed like this
well when i wear tails you know it must
be important
as a matter of fact i've only worn this
outfit on two other occasions
the first one was when i gave a violin
concert in carnegie hall
right and the second time was when i did
a benefit
for the dca that's the dry cleaners
associated
i thought i ordered to them considering
the wonderful job they did
on this suit after the violin concert
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they not only removed the stains but
they re-wove the bullet hole
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and those were the only times that
oh there was one other time i was
dressed in this outfit
well that was a mistake boy was my
doctor embarrassed when i sat up
i would have gotten up sooner but they
were you know saying such
nice things about them
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georgie jessel still calls me a point
killer
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and now i'm going to tell you the reason
i'm dressed in this
formal attire tonight is because i have
as my guest star
someone who has for many years
been recognized as the first lady of
television
and i felt was only proper to receive
her with the dignity
and the respect that she deserves
and here she is miss lucille ball
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what kind of an entrance is that this is
a comedy show isn't it
well yes but you didn't have to dress
this way
you you mean i pulled out these teeth
for nothing
lucy the reason i dress like this
because i figured
you'd come out you know in a beautiful
gown you mean i did something wrong
well it's not that serious oh yes it is
jack it's terrible on me
i should have known better i didn't know
you were a dramatic actor
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i got a lousy laugh and ruins your whole
evening
you hate me
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i never hate people i'm a nice guy i've
always been
kind and considerate yeah well that's
what jessica said the last time you wore
that suit
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all for having sex when you stop crying
i can't help it yeah
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um
stop being silly lucy and please do me a
favor
go change and come out dressed the way i
want you to
well all right jack
for that i got dressed like this
what a nut well it'll take her a few
minutes to change
so in order to fill in the time i'm
going to tell you one of the
funniest stories i think it is one of
the funniest stories i've ever heard
as a matter of fact it was told to me uh
this afternoon by the man who operates
the sound boom
that fella right over there charlie do
you mind if i tell that story you told
me today
oh oh no mr benny go go go right ahead
thank you
well it seems there was a woman who was
riding on a bus
in dublin and she was sitting there with
her baby in her arms and there was a man
sitting beside her
the man wasn't sitting beside her he
just got on the bus
oh that's right and it wasn't in dublin
it was
london
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well anyway this fella got on and he
kept looking at this woman
with her ugly baby and finally said to
her madam i hate to tell you this
but you have the ugliest baby i have
ever seen
well naturally the woman was very upset
at a thing like that so she
got off the bus no no no
she didn't get off the bus she just sat
there and cried
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yeah she was so upset when the man told
her she had the ugliest baby he'd ever
seen
that she sat there and cried you see and
then finally she got off the bus
no no she didn't get off the bus
she was crying so hard the driver put
her off the bus
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all right the driver what's the diff the
driver put her off the bus and while she
was
sitting on the bench holding her baby
and crying a fella came down the street
and said to her madam what's the matter
well she was crying so hard she couldn't
tell her so the man thought she'd feel
better if he got a drink of water
so he went into the drugstore it wasn't
a drugstore
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you're gonna tell a story tell it right
but here's how it goes
when the fella got on the bus he said to
the woman
madam i hate to tell you this but you
have without a doubt
the ugliest baby i have ever seen
with that the woman began crying so
loudly that the bus driver threw her off
the bus
well she sat down on the bench with the
baby in her arms and she cried and cried
until another gentleman came along and
asked her what was the matter
and she said
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then thinking she might feel better
if she had a drink he stepped into a pub
and he came out and he said here madam
here's a spot of brandy for you
if you drink it you'll feel better and
look
i also brought a banana for the monkey
that's the way to tell a story
you don't know why i hire people with
talent
back dear i'm ready oh good good and now
once again ladies and gentlemen
the first lady of television miss
lucille ball
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lucy that's what i wanted in the first
place doesn't she look beautiful
huh
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thank you thank you thank you what are
they laughing at
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oh for heaven's sake you forgot to take
the black off your team
i must say you look beautiful in that
gown well thank you jack and you look
wonderful in your white tie and tails
but you know that was a silly story that
you told about being
shot while you were playing your violin
at carnegie hall
no no that wasn't a just a story oh
you're i
really did get shot in carnegie hall if
you look closely here
you can st still see where they rewalled
the bullet hole
you were shot in the back it was one of
the fellas in the orchestra
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oh well that's understandable
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certainly you know ladies and gentlemen
this girl
amazes me why why why well the way she's
the way she sings dances and clowns
around it's hard to believe
that she's also a big executive oh come
now what's so amazing about
it a lot of women have made big careers
for themselves and in almost every field
you know they're women doctors
lawyers politicians well yeah you know
women have always been important all
through history you weren't aware of it
because men wrote the history books
do you know they only gave three little
lines to a woman like molly pitcher
well now wait a minute you wouldn't
compare molly pitcher with
men like patrick henry thomas jefferson
paul revere
paul revere you mean that paul revere
who made that ride
that long fellow made such a big thing
about yes
well dear since you brought it up let me
tell you the true story behind paul
revere's ride
true story yes you mean to tell me all
this stuff we've been reading in the
books isn't true
well uh let me tell you what really
happened now it was in the year 1775
you see paul happened to be married to a
very lovely woman named rachel
and one night she was all alone waiting
for paul to come home
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nine o'clock where is that husband of
mine
night after night he goes out why is he
home with me where he belongs
oh betsy betsy ross come in
dear oh thank you i just came by
to show you the new dress i just
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i made it i even have a piece of
material left over
i hope i can think of something to do
with it
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hey i know why don't you give it to one
of those three fellas that we saw in the
parade yesterday
why should i give it to them well the
ones in the middle you know the ones
with the fife and the drums they were
all right but the one in the middle just
looked ridiculous waving that empty pole
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you know that's a good idea i think so
listen by the way mrs revere with paul
oh that's what i'd like to know he's
probably out gallivanting around again
oh no mrs revere you gotta trust your
husband
trust him ha a few weeks ago he told me
that he was at a tea party in boston
and i found out that he was on a wild
wing ding on a boat
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mrs revere you cannot have a happy
marriage with all the suspicion and
jealousy
now you've got to give your husband a
chance you gotta believe in him
well maybe you're right yeah well i
gotta go now i'm awful glad you came
over betsy i just
love that dress i love those stars and
stripes
you come by anytime honey i was
wonderful seeing you bye-bye
oh dear betsy is right when paul comes
home i'm just not going to be
jealous i'm just going to control myself
so he's a little late doesn't mean
anything
i'm going to be an understanding wife
hello rachel dear where have you been
great don't rachael me what wild party
were you on this time
dear i told you i went to a meeting at
the town hall a
meeting what was their name oh no there
was a meeting
you see the british are planning to
invade and we're preparing to fight them
all a
likely story no it's the truth i don't
believe me
believe me it's the truth i was at a
meeting with a group of fellow patriots
oh yeah
well what's this long platinum hair
doing on your coat
that's george
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george washington when he found out the
british might attack he cried on my
shoulder
well i don't believe you what do you
mean you don't believe me
listen only last week my best friend
told you that's where i go
i go to the meeting certainly you
believe him my best friend
well maybe i should after all who can
you trust if you can't trust benedict
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arnold
sir benji never did a dishonest thing in
his life
that's true now kiss me and let's forget
all about it
all right
gosh you smell good well thank you dear
i'm glad you like it i changed my brand
of snuff
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well i do like it dude i'm glad why
don't you sit down dear
yeah you must be tired you know darling
i don't know why i'm always accusing you
i'm sorry that i'm always jealous
there's no reason for me to be jealous i
know i'm the only one you ever think of
i know that i'm the only woman in your
life
certainly dear oh from now on i promise
i'm not going to suspect you
or be jealous of you ever again good
well i think i'll get ready for dinner
all right dear
hello dolly oh hello
so that's who it is dolly madison
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it's not dolly madison this is a song
that hasn't even been written yet
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oh george come in
dear you know george washington hello
george
hello rachel paul i hate to subserve you
with this r but do you have a silver
dollar
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a silver dollar wide well i've been
trying to throw this
over the river but the wind keeps
blowing it back
well let me see i i have one here
someplace i think
i thought i had one here
here's some place
some place
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george what happened i cannot tell a lie
i'm born
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well here's your now thank you
i'll return this tomorrow
well rachel i've had a hard day today
i'm gonna lie
down for a while and rest all right dear
you do that i'll sit here and knit for a
while
okay and rachel what oh i'm so
tired rachel you must learn to trust me
all right dear from now on i will never
distrust you again
good good oh i'm so
tired with a day i had today you're
tired you don't get enough food at those
tea parties
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right
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well
the british are coming there was one
light in the church tower that means
they're coming by land
you've got to warn the people get on
your horse and ride through every middle
sex village and farm
cook i'll go right away
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there we
the are
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[Laughter]
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uh
where did you think you were going what
do you mean where i think i was going
i have a mission to do i have to ride
through the streets hollering
the british are coming you have to
holler
yes i have to holler
so go ahead holler
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but i can't do it here i'm supposed to
get on my horse and right to the
countryside you are not setting foot out
of this house tonight
but rachel i must go don't you
understand there's a light burning in
the steeple of the old north church
well let it burn you're not paying the
bill
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now listen i'm not gonna stand here
arguing with you
i'm going oh yeah yes
and i'm gonna go right now too
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oh what are you doing lying here the
british are coming
what the british are coming you mean he
was telling the truth
yes he was supposed to ride through
every village and farm and warn the
people
we decided that at the town meeting oh
my goodness and he was telling the truth
all the time
oh i'm so sorry i'll get him started
right away i'll get him started right
away
yes paul paul wake up oh paul
you've got to wake up oh paul i'm so
sorry
oh paul
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the british are coming we'll ask what
i've been trying to tell you
gotta get up you gotta
farming village and you gotta warn the
people i'll i'll do it don't kiss me
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what was the name of that snob
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there we are
the british
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how do you like that i forgot to untie
the rope
oh oh oh my goodness he's really knocked
out
there's no time to lose i'll have to
warn the people
i better leave him oh note paul darling
i am going to warn the people the
british are coming
if i'm not back by tomorrow night cancel
my beauty shop appointment
well how do you like that my wife is
making the trip
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well i hope longfellow doesn't find
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out
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thank you very much ladies and gentlemen
and lucy i want to thank you for being
on the show
well you're welcome jack
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lucy take that black stuff off your
teeth black stuff
nothing during the ride i got him
knocked out
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well good night folks i'll be seeing you
soon come on lucy
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hmm
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you