[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Laughter]
[Music]
gentlemen the reason I made that unusual
entrance is because my guest star
tonight happens to be a very dear friend
of mine from London you see and I wanted
to put you all in the mood for the show
the back this morning I had English
muffins right I made it myself you know
they were allowed and here's a friend of
mine from London max by Graham could we
do it the first way again introducing
you and having you walk up and down the
front of the curtain but I too wanted
that instead of having you I would have
hired a striptease dancer you would ask
yes now you've got them hating me again
[Music]
have to get used like I did
the way Mac how was your trip coming
over well Jack I hate to complain but
since you brought it up that was some
transportation you furnished me well
what was wrong with us what was wrong
with it
the boat had to wait three days in
Brazil why they loaded the bananas
[Music]
it was a banana boat well I had to do is
bring my own cornflakes they had the
rest
[Music]
well no wonder I didn't have any trouble
getting you a reservation believe me
Jack you didn't need a reservation on
that boat you woke up the gangplank
if they can't peel you they give you a
room at least you got a room yeah but my
manager wasn't so fortunate when he came
aboard he had yellow jaundice he spent
three hours hanging on a hook well I
guess we got about as much as we could
out of that banana routine yeah in
England we would have even started it
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
well max now that you're here that's the
important thing you're here now how are
you enjoying your your visit oh yes I
love it yes that's probably because my
great-great-grandfather came from
America
oh really no what was his name Benedict
Arnold
[Music]
well the American trader no Benedict
Arnold the British hero I never thought
of it that way I guess a notion makes a
lot of difference especially when you're
on a banana boat
you had quite a spectacular career in in
Great Britain you know in the variety
fitters and in the music halls and in
the movies Oh what do you think was the
most exciting performance that you've
ever given all where you've ever
appeared well Jack I think I must say it
was the night that I appeared for the
royal family for a command performance
that was the evening they knighted sir
Laurence Olivier that must have been I
know that was a thrilling you know I've
had an experience like that remember the
last time I played the Palladium in
London I was invited to Buckingham
Palace and they knighted me to you you
were knighted yes certainly
when you must know the thrill sir
Lawrence had when he knelt down they
tapped him on the shoulder with the
sword lifted it over his head and kept
the other shoulder is that the way they
knighted Olivier that's funny with me
they try to go straight across
[Music]
well you must have been doing the banana
routine now listen Matt I know the
audience I don't want to keep waiting
any longer I want you to entertain them
I'm gonna leave the stage to you and I'd
like to have you do one number that I
always like to see you do in London when
you play the Palladium in this place
that's where you give an imitation of an
American singing a popular song oh yes
and I'll be standing in the entrance car
okay
well ladies and gentlemen the the thing
that Jackie is talking about is the
thing that's mystified me for years it's
the way the American popular singers
snap their fingers when they sing a very
curious about this man I found out why
they do it it happens like this they
stand in the wings waiting to come on
the master of Center of ceremonies he
introduces them in terribly their
chewing gum a little nervous you think
so as soon as he introduces them they
take the gum out the mouth they throw it
away but it doesn't always leave their
fingers so they spend the whole chorus
trying to get rid of it
[Music]
dude sweet magnolias blossom round
everybody's dog
like Manny no more what they say
[Music]
that was just great now max look at how
about doing an encore
I'd love to ever all right now here's
the number I'd like to have you do that
a song called underneath the arches a
beautiful song beautifully sung and
popular in London I want them to listen
I like that song so much I'd like to do
it with you oh no jacket seats are so
low it's easy I know but I know it and
and they want me they want me to work
with you underneath the arches we dream
our dreams away we dream our dreams away
underneath the arches underneath the
archer and cobblestones we lay um yeah
uh I didn't know you couldn't sing
I tell you what why not get a nice cup
of tea tea yeah one for me
cup of tea where would I get it Boston
heralding the dome sleeping when it's
raining sleeping when it's fine I hear
the train
[Music]
Wow
pavement is my pillow
no matter where I strain underneath the
arches
underneath the earth we dream out room
underneath the arches
[Music]
every night you'll find me tired out and
warm
happy Wednesday
[Applause]
heralding the don't sleeping when it's
raining
we're fine
I hear the trains red Levi
[Music]
pavement is my pillow my pillar where I
stray no matter where underneath the
arches
[Music]
[Applause]
ladies and gentlemen I must tell you the
first time about the way the first time
I ever met max bike rings now I was in
London about seven or eight years ago
visiting a friend of mine and mr. Jack
Jacobson who is connected with of course
in show business in England see now we
had seen we made the rounds of
everything we've seen all the shows in
London and finally says now I'm going to
take you to a television studio to see a
new TV programme
[Music]
Jack yes I do hope I'm not making this
into a busman's holiday for you you know
I just happened to pick up these two
seats and I well I thought you might
enjoy this television show yes you know
I'd let her give me a chance to compare
television and London
with television at home in America by
the way what's the Stars name the fella
starring in the olden children buy
grapes max buy grapes
Oh Nick yes sir he's the new performer
he's only done three or four programs
but I haven't had a chance to see him
myself but they tell me he's quite good
Oh may I have your attention please
I am the producer of an expired grave
show which will go on just a moment
while we're on the air we would
appreciate your cooperation by that I
mean that if during the production you
should hear something which tickles your
funny bone would you please give us a
bit of a hee-haw
[Laughter]
evidently this migrated followers a
comedian yes and they say he's very
funny oh I beg your pardon
yes I trust you won't think this root of
man I am quite comfortable yes yes I am
thank you
you know you English are so nice really
here's her perfect stranger he wants is
interested my comfort you know are you
sure you're comfy yes yes then why do
you ask
you're sitting on my hat
[Laughter]
[Music]
I'm sorry I didn't I didn't know it was
there thank you I only wish it had been
my umbrella
from our London studios the MEXT by
grace program and here's the star of the
show max by Greg
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
thank you ladies and gentlemen I've
heard such a sad story I must tell it to
you there's a woman on a bus with a
little child it's not a pretty child and
a man sitting up as hidden he keeps
watching this child suddenly he can't
contain himself anymore he says to the
woman Madame that is the ugliest child
I've ever seen and the woman burst into
tears she she cried so much she had two
people put up in the street a kind old
gentleman comes along and he says why
are you crying
he said please nothing can be as bad did
that tell me what do you weigh so he
goes into a bar and he buys her some
brandy he comes to now drink this brandy
you'll feel better and she's no he says
now look I've just bought you some
brandy and I've got some nuts for the
monkey
so a bike race is very funny you know
you know the way he stands then the way
he works it's a little bit like you do
it
well I didn't notice it at first but now
that you mention that he does work a
little bit my style startup is funny
though he's very good
ladies gentlemen I look a little tired
tonight please forgive me the fact is
this I had a little time to spare so I
took my shoes off and I walked to the
studio now taking my shoes off and
walking bare feet to the studio may
sound strange to you but I figure it
this way leather costs money skin I can
grow
[Music]
[Applause]
yes but why would he do it a cheap
stingy joke like that's the kind of
stuff I do by the way dear Mona I have a
new wax statue at Madame Tussauds Museum
now if you go there you must see it
except they had a little trouble getting
the blue of my eyes because my eyes are
bluer than the thumb of a cross-eyed
carpenter
[Music]
what you do jokes like that do I do
jokes like that I do that very Joe
I must say ladies and gentlemen and
having a having a statue in Madame
Tussauds Wax Museum is quite an
accomplishment for a fellow of my age
after all I'm only 39 39 yeah if I let
you sit on my head again will you shut
up
[Music]
maybe it's just a coin students maybe
well ladies and gentlemen so much for my
monologue now I like to bring on my
announcer and here he is mr. Don Wilton
my show yeah look at Teddy Boy if you
won't be crap I'm gonna give you a what
for with me Bumbershoot hey don don why
are you looking so happy today well I'll
tell you why I'm so happy I weighed
myself this morning and I lost 10 pounds
can't you tell
Don you losing 10 pounds is like taking
a teaspoon of sand from the Sahara
Desert you got some nerve every time I
come out on this stage you make some
joke about my size if you think for the
Pitons you pay me that I have to take
your sort of nobs if you've got another
guest coming
you're an ungrateful egotistical old
Wow
[Music]
oh I don't say well if you insist upon
standing there you mind just sort of
bowing your legs a bit so that we can
see
[Music]
now ladies and gentlemen may I present
my singing star even though he always
drives me nuts here he is mr. Dennis
Knight
[Applause]
what are you gonna sing for us tonight
frothingham blood the boom Friday what
became a fancy song now you go ahead
little mr. Saiga OD kid hoho oh you
wanted on the phone sir I can't take a
phone call now I'm in the middle of a
show it's your Butler sir he says it's
very important oh my buckler hello hello
boss this advances
[Music]
[Applause]
yes it is it's about dry know where it
yes the way you want well go now I
thought it'd give you a jingle and see
what you want for dinner dinner and
what's in the fridge
the usual white enamel and Ice Cube I'll
talk to you about it when I get home
goodbye goodbye
[Music]
[Applause]
for you a minute yes get out of my way
now listen here look here young man if
you think I'm gonna let you do a
television show here and steal
everything from me my format my
characters my jokes you've got another
guess coming well you do go I jokes a
announcer you gotta butter like mine
and another thing how can you possibly
stand on this stage and do a joke about
being 39 what joke I am 39
[Music]
if your 3940
like I still I'm going I've never seen
such outright plagiarism
[Music]
thank you very very much ladies and
gentlemen and I hope you all enjoyed the
show but that's a true story I told you
about the first time that I met max bike
wait a minute Jack now wait a minute you
didn't tell the audience why I did it
what do you mean well you know when you
came to London the whole thing was a
frame-up ladies and gentlemen I was a
new performer working on a low-budget
now how else could I get America's
greatest comedian to come on the stage
with me
Jack when I said America's greatest
comedian weren't you're supposed to
protest and say I'd have the audience
hating you well yes but it would sound
so insincere coming from me
[Laughter]
max we still have a few seconds shall we
why not
payment is happy no my hello where are
we underneath the arches we'll dream my
dreams away
[Music]
tonight folks I'll be seeing you soon
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
Saturday afternoon at 1:00 Eastern
Preston Foster and John Ireland Starion
I shot Jesse James on Saturday at the
westerns Bennett 3 lash Laroux and fuzzy
st. John star in thundering trail on the
Saturday western classics now stay tuned
for I'm Mary Joan next here on CBN cable
you