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from Hollywood the Jack Benny program
with Jack special guest Phil Silvers
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
look I I don't care about your problems
all I know is you're the makeup
department you were supposed to have a
barber in my dressing room 20 minutes
ago he's not here yet
we'll see that he is or they'll be
troubled and understand why I can't get
any service around here gee look at the
fire in my eyes
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it's hard to believe that in just 10
minutes I'll be out on that stage and be
the lovable jack belly coming down the
hall I ran into a woman and she had an
appendix attack and I had to operate
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you you had operate on yeah with this
caught in the bag they thought I was a
doctor
well sure sure they thought you were a
doctor can imagine come on I'll shave me
okay well I put on my rubber gloves
shady that's all dr. rubber blood
[Laughter]
let me say there are two ears
there is one nose one chin what are you
doing after I'm through shaving you I'll
count again stop taking inventory Jessie
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mr. Benny dad I understand you uh you
can fill silverside you show tonight
yeah I feel was my guest star oh boy
that'll be a pretty funny show huh yeah
I think it'll be funny of course I come
off first you know when I do my mom I
have any news feel Silvester no no not
yet
then I have Don Wilson comes out and
then we do a kind of a funny bit there
and then Phil no well then I do provide
a little bit a bit of my violin you see
then what's the matter I think I catch
it you think you
to tell and will help me if you bleed a
little
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I'm not going to force myself just for
you
be quiet will you well like well I go
over my monologue good evening ladies
and gentlemen and Filkins all charlie
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and welcome to our show now before we go
into our it's almost Showtime
don't worry about it down our to be a
couple of minutes here well with that'll
only give you three minutes to make
yourself lovable oh no it won't take
that long or you see I I didn't get very
angry today Jack Benny who was one of
our stage and the barber is wanted in
surgery
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surgery I thought he was kidding
gee that must be the the studios medical
plan anyway don't say by the way Jack
yes Phil Silvers still complaining about
the script yes he's always complaining
who doesn't like the script and exactly
because he's on so late in the show well
after all jacket your show you should be
on there first well of course I should
be on there first what Phil doesn't
realize that he wants to be the first
one on where time Oh Oh Don
we only got a minute give me my shirt
will okay
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and get me my tie over there yeah that's
what I screw one and done you better
give me my my pants your pants yeah
they're right over there over there
hanging by that Coke they're not here
they are - I put them right there by the
court they're not here now what do you
mean they're not
I didn't
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very much ladies and gentlemen it's nice
to see you know who I am in the moment
you'll meet the star of the show Gypsy
Rose Benny
really hated to do this but Jack's fans
are so old it's dangerous to keep him
waiting
panty raid since I left college
get a load of this material unfinished
payments feel like a heel but should we
see what's in the pockets I guess he
doesn't carry the round on his mouth
anymore
penny says his money is all tired
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this is an obstacle course for
pickpockets well yeah give me my pants
will ya look you put your head behind
that curtain I'll hand out baseballs in
the audience
Oh such fiery eyes we try the back
pocket where the wallet is all those in
favor say aye
Thank You mystery fans its driver's
license that'll tell us a few thing Jack
Benny hair brown height five foot ten
and a half eyes lazy Lagoon blue date of
birth oh I've been waiting for years to
see this Dave this has been erased once
too often
oh you must had this a long time get a
load of this good for buggies bicycles
and covered wagon
well yeah why dad well he took mine are
you kidding Jax got your pants down
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those of you who are civic minded keep
your city clean throw your trash
you've got a lot of nerve that way
nothing like this I mean you're spoiled
show oh yeah I guess I was wrong this is
your show I meant to have a little fun
this show is so orderly and here I am
blasting it up please forgive me
and to show you I'm sincere I'll just go
off now at the show go on it's natural
pace and please die I know what a great
host you I'll just go off quietly I
don't salute sir
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Oh Phil Silvers taking my pants and
going through the pockets wonder what
down has it
there's wallet it's kind of fat what's
in there
I should have known shrink
down or down cloud out here I like this
jacket embarrassing I don't care what's
embarrassing or not oh all right
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there's our little tight on yard they
must be I'm Julia's taller
the reason I called you out here here's
your here's your wallet
wait a minute Dom before you don't know
come here come here
okay I don't know why you're angry with
me it's all Phil Silvers fault
he's the one who stole my pants in the
first place I can't imagine him acting
like that after all that I did for him
after all you've done for him what did
you ever do for Phil Silvers I'll tell
you what I did years ago when he came to
California to try to get into show
business
I'm the first one he got in touch with
even though we've never met each other
no kidding
that's right I'll never forget the first
time I ever saw Phil Silvers I was at
home putting some clippings in my
scrapbook when the doorbell rang
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in this the home of my childhood idol
the man who was life in my dark hours
and radio the stage the silver screen
it's just the home of Jack Benny yes yes
it is
may I see him
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oh how could I have not recognized you
oh I'm so excited
my glasses must have got misty I'm kind
of busy is there anything I can do for
you well the note the note read the note
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dear jack this will introduce philip
silvers he would like to get started and
show business and since he's the son of
my next-door neighbor and dearest friend
I would appreciate anything you can do
for him love and sooty so your Philip
Silver's how are you
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and you know my aunt sooty oh yes she's
a wonderful woman she said so many
things about you I just could hardly way
they came right here from the depot well
thank you very very much and if I can
help you I certainly will if anything
comes along I'll call you now what hotel
you staying at Hotel
yes you are staying at a hotel aren't
you the note
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and Jack since his mother was so
wonderful to me during my recent illness
and since Phillip is just getting
started
would it be alright if he stayed at your
house for a few days loved and Sudi a
Roman cross ventilation would be very
nice
oh these bags are heavy what have you
got in them I don't know I found them on
the train
mr. Benny you've been so nice when I
open them we'll go halfsies Oh may I use
your phone yeah Thank You operator which
is kept in New York City
marie-helene - oh yes mommy you'll want
to know I got here safely
right mommy 11 all right we got a
stationary upstairs
well now I'll go and freshen up then
I'll come back and sit at the feet and
bask in the radiance of a great star
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that's the first thing he said that made
sense
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yes his cab fare was $6
six dollars why should I pay his cab
fare when you're not towing it for him
it's Peter in Sudi
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all right okay
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some matter with that guy anyway
doesn't pay his cab built steals luggage
from the I'm gonna call a shooting and
see what this was all about Uncle Jack
yes
can I borrow a suit of clothes I made a
wrong choice of bad
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that was my introduction to Phil Silvers
I thought there would be no harm and
putting him up for a day or two but two
weeks later he was still there the only
thing that gave me hope was that each
day he ate like he was leaving tomorrow
as the week went by and he made no move
to leave little things he did began to
get on my nerves
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how are you
what are you doing with that Claire for
you got up at 4 o'clock in the morning
to play that thing I mean got up I just
got in where were you all night I was
looking for a job you can't find a job
in the middle of a night he had
discovered my little secret
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Allisyn yo it came here to get into show
business what have you done about it
nothing now I'm going to give you two
more days and if you don't find a job
out you go
I wish you hadn't said that what the
note one more thing jack
Philip is sensitive so don't rush him
let him take his time and feel his way
around love and Sudi
Dave weeks months went by then one hot
humid day in July I came home from the
studio as I came in the door I thought I
had the wrong house I wasn't greeted by
that irritating how are you it wasn't in
the living room
oh hello Phil I called and called but I
got no answer
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he was born I was so relieved
for the first time in months my stomach
felt as though it could retain food
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how are you
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the door was in Jackie 11 and all the
hot air
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no silly dark glasses it's silly light
on the wild when you close the door
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for the next few days I didn't go home
at all if this was good enough for
Bernard Baruch it was good enough for me
finally did go home I could hardly
believe my ears
Phil was on the phone actually talking
about a job well you say it's all
arranged with the entertainment director
splendid now what is it six weeks on
tour entertaining the troops wonderful
$200 a week's well thank you very much
Phil Phil you got a job no I got you a
job
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what I can't wait for that kind of dough
well I can't work I can't go on tour you
gotta go you gotta get out of the house
we're getting on each other's nerves
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I don't know about us getting on each
other's nerves I know you're getting on
my nerves
you were only supposed to be here a
couple of days I haven't been here so
long
Oh No when you first came here yeah
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that's because I worry so much about
your lovely aunt sudhi you see she's
been ill and she hears you haven't been
nice to me she'll be upset alright
but film you've gotta make some contacts
you've got to do something for yourself
you've got to make friends at least he
took my advice about making friends
night after night they were there Johnny
I bet $200 you in it filled you want
cleaned out last night where'd you get
all this money I don't know I found one
of those old things around the house you
know one of these things when you
thought up some of the sunshine for 75
bucks
Stradivarius dress
hey Jack all right on three three yeah
you I'll take three all right
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why did my key work I had the luck
change
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no Phil I should want to say hello hello
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you okay is this the way to say how old
of this lady I never saw this lady
before am i Michael what do you want
what with you
oh you never saw this lady in your life
no well Phil I have news for you
this lady is an sooty
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remember sue Deanna chicken so my
glasses must have got mistaken no Tanya
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I don't care about your nose poutine I
was right it really
alright Phil you stayed here long enough
come on out out of this wait a second
Jack I've got three key you're right to
be upset angry people don't humiliate me
in front of my friends let me go out of
here in my own way with dignity
all right go with it
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and that was my introduction to Phil
Silvers I finally got rid of but my aunt
Suzie stayed for the next 12 years
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thank you very much ladies and gentlemen
I hope you all enjoyed the show and I
also want to thank my guest star Phil
Silvers
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you know Silver's Phil Silvers isn't the
only one I helped get started in show
business their help Bob Hope
Edwin Webber and fields Sir Harry Lauder
and John Wilkes Booth well I didn't
exactly help John Wilkes Booth he just
asked me if he could stay over to my
house for a few days I know he was
hiding out good night folks I'll be
seeing you soon
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coming next year at Comedy Central we've
got that girl starring Marlo Thomas as
Anne Murray a young actress trying to
make him the big city without sleeping
your way to the top
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you