this special is brought to you by Al
arrest created for allergy and only for
allergy al arrest calms the call the
sneeze the tears the runny nose the
itchy eye of allergy al arrest tablets a
product of Pharma craft laboratories
[Music]
just one place for me and that's near
you it's a thrill to be here
lights are going on brighten up the
state now here's a gal follow me will
you because here's a star
[Music]
yeah stick out that is the swinging
sword from the one and the only
Lina
[Music]
every care is gone
[Music]
I've prepared quite a forum for you is
through now from Tamaki more for you
[Music]
if I can make
bring you just once more then I'm glad
to be here near you
[Music]
good evening ladies gentlemen well I'm
back believe me it wasn't easy getting
back on television really wasn't I lied
to them I told him I was a doctor I'm
Kim I've been pretty busy this past year
nightclubs motion pictures theaters I
went to all of them I don't have to
worry why do I have a 30-year contract
with NBC really 30 years and the lawyer
who drew it up for me got the same
sentence I'll tell you one thing though
I gotta tell you this I think television
hasn't changed since I had my own series
maybe they had the same panel shows you
know like to tell the truth you know
where the moderator says will the real
David Susskind please shut up he'll tell
the truth they've had a show like that
in Russia for years they let you tell
the truth about anything between the
time the bullet leaves the rifle and
hits you
I'll take this country anytime American
television is the only place in the
world where you can find at least 50
shows in the top 10 it's ridiculous I
can't wait up a television comes in is
practically here I really mean I know
that because I had to pay plenty to get
this show hey TV will be great there'll
be no more reruns reruns you know what
that is that's a Madison Avenue talk for
the old saying the evil that men do
lives after them there's only one thing
that's holding up a TV they can't decide
how much dr. Kildare should charge for a
house call and that's the big thing this
year medical shows Ben Casey dr. Kildare
I remain in the old days when you were
sick used to have to go to the Mayo
brothers today you got to go to those
medical shows are even affecting our
hospitals I mean that if something goes
wrong on the operating table
the surgeon takes off his mask turns to
his assistant and says well that's
showbiz you think that's bad oh I just
remind did you see the trouble they had
the other night on the Ben Casey show a
man went in for a tonsillectomy and
instead Casey took out his appendix
somebody mixed up the cue card
like there's one thing that I can't
understand with all those medical shows
on television
how come Chester still wins don't get me
wrong I am not complaining about
television their industry this industry
does its best for example every year one
night is put aside to present the Emmy
Awards Emmy Awards that's the night that
the public finds out they've been
enjoying the wrong shows and the
category give a list of some of those
titles there's one call the award for
the best writing of an hour a half-hour
show in a continuing series or a special
event film or live but not tape
syndicated or sponsored black and white
or in color with or without music not
previously adapted from any magazine
novel short story true incident motion
picture Broadway play or condensed from
the speakers this award will be given to
the writer who wrote that description
why did you turn it off for so very
funny tonight funny he couldn't get a
laugh on TV if he was run over by car 54
you liked it when he did that dramatic
show duel against the house when he
played the blackjack dealer when they
broke both his hands yeah then I'll ask
that if you don't mind I'm gonna push
this remote control button and change
the channel do you know why why Jack
Benny is on the other Network Jack Benny
oh no you're not give me that button
we're gonna watch borough I want to see
Jack Benny
[Music]
it's the Jack Benny program and here's
our star Jack Benny
he starts talking about his age again
I'm gonna switch back to Burrell shut up
thank you thank you very much ladies and
gentlemen
you know before getting out with my show
tonight I want to discuss something
personal you know a lot of people have
been kidding me about my age and I'd
like to straighten them out this morning
I want to tell you I played golf at
Hillcrest I'm a pretty good golfer too
for instance the first hole was a par 3
and I'm that first hole I shot a 39 now
that's that's how old I was on my last
birthday as a matter of fact recently a
Hollywood producer had a part open for a
young good-looking fella for what his
picture you see so my agent brought me
over there and my agent pointed to me
and he said if you're looking for a good
a good looking young leading man I'd
advise you to sign Jack Paar really I
got to under par in the second hole but
when I approached the third tee I hit
the ball and would you believe it I got
a hole in your head it's all in the mind
just because I've been on the public eye
for all these years actually I only
started radio thirty years ago when I
was 9 and that was the biggest lie ever
heard
you see most golfers are wired not me in
that girl I tell the truth about my game
in fact what do you think happened to me
this afternoon I'm a great golfer I lost
a ball on the green I think I put down
the bag when we look for the ball when I
come back the bag was gone somebody took
her away
funny joke I just just made it up real I
just made it up now to prove it to you
here is a I must read this there's a
copy of the first radio show first
script I did 30 years ago and God get a
load of this and I was playing golf one
day and I lost my ball on the green and
I put down a bag and went to look for
the ball when I got back the bag was
gone somebody took her away
you know I can't imagine anyone
I mean having the gall to do a joke like
that today maybe one anyway
I'm getting off the subject about my age
you see I believe a man is as old as he
feels and I feel just wonderful so you
see I know I'm in good physical
condition because about a week ago I
went to see my doctor went up to his
office for an examination and he looked
at my tonsils that's where I found it I
was pretty mad at this girl because she
disappeared from the golf course so I
walked right up to her and I said take
off your clothes
well after the after the doctor made me
undress he started to examine me check
my heart my lungs and he said to me Jack
as far as I can see you're a very
beautiful girl you know that night it
was great I took this girl to the
restaurant we were wonderful we had a
great dinner but when I wanted the time
to check the waiter he wanted cash I
guess he didn't recognize me so I got
mad I said don't I'm Milton Berle don't
and Berle which can upset anyone's
stomach then my doctor told me he said I
had nothing to worry about because I was
an excellent condition well of course
this made me feel very very good
particularly because Mary just recently
gave me a party for my birthday oh I
knew there was something I forgot to
tell you will you hold a music lesson
will you hold it just a minute you know
Jack Benny very good friend of mine he
just had a birthday and you should see
what I sent him it's a beautiful gift
that I know he'll appreciate because
it's something that he's always wanted
but I got one gift it was absolutely
fabulous I don't know how to describe it
do you think so I'll have to surety will
you bring it in fellas please
it is wonderful how I ever lived all my
life without it I'll never know
and look at look at the inscription on
right here it says to Jack in
appreciation for the many wonderful
hours of entertainment you got from
watching me Nora wait a minute I gotta
tell you sir I heard a joke this
afternoon it's terrific it's about a spy
in the days of King Arthur it's about
gonna he was brought down to this
torture chamber and he was threatened
with the most horrible instrument of
torture ever invented my violin I want
you to know that this is a genuine
Stradivarius which I was very fortunate
in purchasing while he was still alive
and now I would like to play coalporters
never to be forgotten
night and day Oh ladies and gentlemen
just I want to show for the first time
on television I'd like to play the
harmonica uh-huh you didn't think I
could play in that anyway listen tuning
up ladies down we're not gonna play Cole
Porter's never to be forgotten night and
day okay less ready musically
[Music]
that on my ball
[Music]
this is Milwaukee population 740 1000
abuse turn city driving bustling growing
sneezing for 45 years it has been in a
state of war this is the enemy ambrosia
trifa de you call it
ragweed it triggers hay fever ten grains
of pollen from this plant in a cubic
yard of air can start you sneezing and a
single ragweed plant can produce eight
billion grains of pollen eight billion
grains enough pollen to start every hay
fever sufferer in the world
sneezing from just one plant and ragweed
is everywhere it invaded Milwaukee as it
invaded thousands of towns surrounded it
smothered it let's see what Bill walkie
did about it my name is Elliott dizzy
I'm a news reporter Milwaukee has been
fighting ragweed for 45 years take a
look at these clippings the mayor
endorses weed eradication days I hate
fever clinic is set up and our Hospital
sets aside special rooms for hay fever
sufferers Milwaukee newspapers have
given strong support for weed cutting
drives the Milwaukee boys club joined in
these weed cutting drive laws were
passed it became a crime to fail to cut
down ragweed on your property
Milwaukee even has a weed commissioner
in his words this city has a real weed
problem these are weeds weeds more weeds
so we post notices we notify owners then
we move in with machinery to cut down
the weeds before they can spread pollen
last year Milwaukee destroyed over 80
million square feet of weeds it cost
many thousands of dollars to do it
that's how Milwaukee an energetic and
progressive City gets rid of 90% of its
ragweed and yet every summer from August
15 to September 15 Milwaukee sneezes why
because pollen is so light the wind
blows it in from hundreds of miles
around the hay fever story is the same
all over the country
in California the enemy might be sage in
New England Timothy but in Milwaukee its
ragweed so if you lived in Milwaukee and
had hay fever you went away to resorts
like Eagle River or disturb a expensive
or you stayed at home and tried to get
through the season and you sneeze but
last summer many Milwaukeeans could stay
home without sneezing a new Antikythera
product appeared in Milwaukee drugstores
it costs only a dollar and a quarter a
bottle this tablet was made specifically
for hay fever and similar allergies its
name is al arrest and al arrest is the
tablet that made Milwaukee stop sneezing
and now folks it's my pleasure to
present to you one of the loveliest one
of the most dynamic performers in the
entertainment world today the fantastic
Janice Pei
[Music]
when your
[Music]
Oh
when your
how
you come back you
[Music]
now this lonesome hotel
[Music]
sure
see you later Oh stay the way yard I get
a chance to introduce a personality with
the talent and the creative ability the
farming with the talent and creative I'm
so nervous introducing with the talent
and creative ability of our next guest
he's America's artistic import from
Great Britain and is really to be
congratulated for his magnificent
performance in summer and smoke my
pleasure present to you mr. Laurence
hobby
you know you notice how you notice how
tongue-tied I get I can get nervous and
I want to tell you something it's a
great pleasure Larry to have you on our
show I really mean well thank you ma'am
you know how nervous I got introduced
well I tell you I'm I'm so impressed
you're standing on the same stage with
you after all you want of one of the
real artists in our profession
you mean you I and my profession mr.
Harvey I know that you're not used to
the customs of this country but we have
one rule in TV television American
television okay
FCC regulation 22 you never heard of it
the guests never gets more laughs than
the comedian
you remember that won't you from now on
will you I'm terribly sorry I didn't
know you see I have any been in this
country well just a little over two
years only two years and it's amazing
he speaks English better than I do you
I'm good you like it here though we
really like it so very much you know
except that I've been so busy since I've
been here interviews cocktail parties
autograph hounds work personal
appearances attending premier it's tough
being a celebrity isn't it
it certainly is you're not missing a
thing
Loren's you are forgetting regulation 22
you know I've always admired you I
really I mean when I was a kid and I
could make up my mind whether to be a
dramatic actor or a comedian which did
you finally decide on I thought Lawrence
would you please don't start anything I
can't finish
so please don't make fun of me but you
please move but look I'm not making fun
well I thought you it just I really said
it
you look as you say in this country I
was only putting you wrong you know all
the lines already what do you think I've
been doing hip a lot two years this
means it's a last two in fact you know
good I did see you in a Drama or he
knows the camera maybe good this kid go
ahead you saw me what I did see you know
Java it was on the Dick Powell shale oil
against that yeah you were magnificent
really I really you know honestly I
really feel you should get an Emmy for
that performing house why are you saying
that sincerely
why yes isn't that the way you told me
to say yeah just forget the whole bit no
laugh so loud
alright I just thought maybe you know
about pictures you died I thought maybe
I could be your co-star with you in the
new picture you doing that I read it in
the in one of the papers of trade what's
the name of the picture The Manchurian
Candidate Manchurian Candidate I if I
could be in a picture we leave great I'm
terribly sorry Maya it's too late we
already have a co-star who's that Frank
Sinatra alright
what are you doing a fictive well we
play American soldiers in Korea Sinatra
a soldier he doesn't weigh up enough to
be a bullet and I namely Loused up my
own joke I'll tell you
they are why why do you always why do
you always use so much okay Sinatra is
another line of milk milk can you blend
why well using Frank in the picture
that's like money in the bank
okay see what you did somebody call me
Larry you know Jack Benny don't you jack
Larry I'm so glad you're here too
because this gives me an opportunity to
compliment you on your performance in
the Alamo thank you what a wonderful
picture you know I'd have given anything
to have been in that picture
anything yeah he'd made a fortune
selling ladders to the Mexican I sold
one and he makes a big thing you know
Larry one thing I've always noticed
though you get the most exciting leading
ladies for your picture like C Mon
senior a that's the way you pronounce it
right Elizabeth Taylor now what do you
what do you attribute that to a sexy
agent when you do a joke on him
I laugh thank you seriously this is
ironic well here you two are
complimenting me when I should be
complimenting you I don't understand
what you're talking well look Here I am
standing on the same stage with with two
of America's greatest comedians and you
know to be a comedian is much much
tougher than being just a dramatic actor
sure what I'd give anything to learn how
to do comedy I'd even be willing to
start at the bottom you certainly picked
the right program
Jack but you please now Larry if you're
really serious I can teach I gave I gave
lots of comedians their nightclub
material like Mort Sahl Henny Youngman
Buddy Hackett Jan Murray
you gave them Durga as is he gave Mort
Sahl young man's material he gave young
man you know me very well I don't steal
jokes I'm an ad-lib comedian some that
lived in the air you could lean against
a stove and something like that you
leaned against the stove you couldn't
get a blister no you leaned against the
hot
that's very funny I'm let you do all the
funny line yeah yeah you are something
must be bothering I don't like that the
insinuation that I can't ad-lib I defy
anyone to name a better ad-libber than
me anyone
well Milton there's Bob Hope Red Skelton
drama that's not fair you're naming
comedians that would still come out the
same now Larry comedic step down it's
very upstaged me it's so it's very
simple if you want to learn how to do
comedy you'll have to make up your mind
who you want to teach it Jack and I are
different types that's the sweetest
thing he said to me all please Jack I'm
talking about style that's what I'm
talking about yeah I know he's right
about that it's not the style now I
think you you see Larry with your you
know you're being so suave that I think
that you should work like I do you know
I I think Jack has something that sure
he has something every place never gives
anything away
you can bet me Connor Milton that's not
fair
I happen to know that Jack is not cheap
I'm not I mean I don't know why anyone
ever accuses you of always thinking of
money guys right I mean money is never
I'm like mine would be if you had a
pocket there
[Music]
now look yeah
Larry sorry to wake you I think will you
hurry up
I mean you're with your sophistication
everything you should adopt my style
really you're really why you think your
Styles funny man
will you part me just a minute how you
be on the level with the end what's so
funny
will you part me just a minute that said
I've been with you in an hour you watch
so funny about you fired me was he you
didn't mean to serve
what so I got a line here but I don't
want to say it because it isn't mine I
want to what's so funny about your style
anyway Jack you stand there in front of
an audience on your own show and I watch
you with your arms crossed and you look
at the camera and you say well what do
you got to say about that and the way
you walk
you get to see the way you walk you walk
yes you know what you look like you look
like hiney dingo wearing Tuesday Weld
blue jeans did you ever watch yourself
on this is the way you are oh you want
you yeah when you walk you look like a
sore loser in a twist
alright I'll tell you what we'll do
Milton you tell me one of your jokes
and I'll tell it too and I'll tell well
I'll tell that to the audience and and
Jack you tell me one of your jokes and
I'll tell that to the audience and we'll
see which gets too big it up
Milton style or your dad that's all
right with me okay well can you tell my
joke first would you pardon me you ready
young man you don't need keep quiet
you're gonna do my style fries uncle be
a yell
watch this then he watch it go ahead Tao
[Music]
God good evening ladies and germs
[Music]
these are the jokes you know I just
heard a funny gag did you hear about the
fellow walked into a seafood restaurant
and said to the waiter
do you serve crab here and the way they
said sit down we're not particular how
about that flame down you're at ease
with your style let them teach you let
them teach you even better
[Music]
what
do you know qui Gracie Allen for the
television set on the stove to see ha
George burn
nobody laughed it is but their flow yeah
they afford arrived so yeah yeah what do
you got to say to that what have I got
to say to that
nothing the big deal what does that
prove that proves that my tailor is
funnier than yours
[Music]
listen to Joey Sangha a former boxer a
popular Milwaukee citizen and one of
Milwaukee's prominent pharmacist in my
time I've seen a lot of hay fever
products but I've never seen such
response like a Laura's got people come
in and tell me that they breathe better
and sleep better hay fever has taken the
10-count I ought to know I was once a
boxer William Kirk past president of the
Wisconsin pharmaceutical Association has
this to say when our astir Sapir de
Mille Waukee I did with it would we do
with all new hay fever products I
examined its formula an allergist
contains no aspirin that's important
because some people are allergic to
aspirin I've never seen a product sell
as fast as Alvarez I don't have hay
fever but my son Chris does
we heard about a larette's and decided
to give it a try we tried just about
everything else but a lurid worked and
you can quote me
that's the Milwaukee story but wherever
you live you can get the same results
from Al arrest this remarkable new
tablet comes the call the sneeze the
tears the runny nose the itchy eye of
allergy it can take the sneeze out of
your summer al arrest for allergy and
only for allergy from farmer craft
laboratories
and now the two most exciting words I
know Lena Horne
[Music]
when the sky is a bright Canaria I
forget every cloud of ever seen
so they call me a cockeyed optimist
immature and incurably dream I have
heard people rave and rant and bellow
that was done and we might as well
[Music]
cockeyed optimist and I can't get it in
to my whatever we'll bill and
I say life is just a bowl of jell-o and
appear more intelligent and flower on
top like a dope with us
[Music]
you step in over to the bed the tango to
the tango to the air
[Music]
Oh
[Music]
the population has
[Music]
yeah
hey everybody why doesn't the sky always
have more room than we
[Music]
okay
[Music]
Oh
[Music]
we're
what Lina my man says always you're just
too much my right folks they're really
wonderful
boy I want to tell you yeah I really
mean it leaning you just simply well as
always I really mean that
Oh Thank You Melton may I say how
wonderful you are on the Dick Powell
show well thank you again thank you you
know you should make a feature picture
well isn't that funny you said I'm going
to I was just signed by Stanley Kramer
for his new production it's a picture
call it's a mad mad mad world Spencer
Tracy in about 20 stars it's gonna run
about four and a half hours oh don't
tell me it's going to be one of those
epics about a Giants of history like
Julius Caesar oh no no no no this is a
comedy that I'm going oh that's good
because depends so many of those epic
life stories in the past few years in
fact there's something that bothers me
bathroom do you mind if I sound off a
little bit of course not you do what you
want you're you're my guest ladies and
gentlemen a television first Lena Horne
will now do eight bars of talk
no it's true there's been a lot of epics
about Giants of history in the past few
years the reason is simple the stories
are usually in the public domain and the
lives of the characters are available to
any producer gratis
but how would those historical figures
feel if they knew what was going on if
they were around today
what would they have to say
[Music]
get me a lawyer
[Music]
I'm been hurt and I was played by
trouncing Heston the casting wasn't
right in fact it hurt us Charlton Heston
he doesn't look like me for me they
should have gotten Tony Curtis
[Music]
yes pa rt a tus well Spartacus
[Music]
Kirk Douglas in the movie portrayed me
as the same but the way he played me
really wasn't true for his hectic in the
dungeon he wound up with a rein in my
dungeon I wound up with a few
[Music]
Miss Cleo the epitome of sex they
promote eyes by love life but they never
send me checks revealing all my secrets
and for free my attorneys gonna sue them
for a million maybe more just call me
the Egyptian Zsa Zsa Gabor
it's a shame history
[Music]
wheels demand our rights like other
individuals we feel we're entitled to
ridiculous
[Music]
in order to eat I go out trick or treat
every Halloween where the
poverty-stricken taking a lickin very
miss Rita swindle and cheated the ovary
I made a star of Peter Barron I helped
for the coal bit make the grade I
learned 6 million for Liz Taylor if the
pictures ever made
[Music]
Cleopatra Cleopatra your disarming we
could have around the booth just name
the place
well been neatly at the pyramid in a
half an hour
[Music]
I'm so sorry Cleopatra Cleopatra you're
so charming
yes but it's tough to grow accustomed to
your faith
don't be a smarty party up that crazy
river that they called the Nile if they
paid me royalties I live in style I
would gladly leave with my diamonds and
miming because that dirty River
confidentially is thing why should we
feel blue here's the thing to do we'll
sue will sue we'll sue paramount we'll
sue MGM and we'll sue their cockamamie
[Music]
some today will own shares in by the
phone
[Music]
we'll sue oh ah close maybe Ragan and
Tommy but wait till the hand is online
I'll wear pearls in my Loubs will wear
hydro who's Darryl zanuck
[Music]
Wow
[Music]
come close to the screen and let's see
what makes you sneeze ragweed make you
sneeze cat make you sneeze dust make you
sneeze make up make you sneeze you've
got allergy you need LRS let's see what
else makes you sneeze horse make you
sneeze goat make you sneeze duck make
you sneeze sheep make you sneeze part
that you stay away from these things on
the contrary you live with them horse
goat duck no take a low-res tablet in
minutes aller s calms the car the sneeze
the tears the runny nose the itchy eye
of allergy created for allergy and only
for allergy no cold tablet or capsule
can say the same take ALA rest
[Music]
to my mind she's my kind of girl
she sings like an angel second she swing
like an angel swing
[Music]
she's my kind of girl
[Music]
it's written like an angel to him his
file
I play music lovers cried in pain
[Music]
hey Jack sorry Janice Lina oh boy
really for great performance I really
mean it's a great pleasure to have you
on our show tonight thank you very much
you know ladies demand I have been in
show business quite a long time I I
don't want to feel too nostalgic about
this right now our talk nostalgically
but I like to let my hair down on the
show tonight all right we got a little
time you know this jazz is not new to me
I've been in show business in some five
years old and I have the material to
prove it really I I started when I was
five years old really my mother used to
take me by the hand take me to studios
for jobs pictures I was in silent
pictures I was a favorite flora Finch
and John Bunyan Ruth rollin and William
favish and I've given way you're
laughing that I
you're older than you look this man
dying if you remember those names I
appeared with pearl white and The Perils
of Pauline - I'm not kidding though I I
was the kid that they tied to the
railroad track and for a white kept
saving me cuss to this day a lot of
comedians wish I had never been saved no
but when I when I look around here in
the television studio he's very
wonderful people in the audience it
makes you feel that well here I am back
home again and to one of my first loves
I've done a lot of TV work especially
this year a lot of TV work I fix three
sets no but you know speaking of my
television career I went through about
360 consecutive live hour shows some of
them were dead I don't even mean and I
am I was going pretty good in those
first early days of television for the
first six or seven years I had a very
high rating I had I may be a little
humble in my own way I had a rating of
83 of course in those days there were
only 83 set
my mother owned 82 that
I really I was gone pretty good in those
early days of television until they put
somebody opposite me the same night on a
different station in the same time you
guessed it
His Excellency Bishop Fulton sheen
Westerman he did better than me cuz
let's face it he had better writers in
fact while while I was on Patek sicko
Bishop Sheen and I had the same sponsors
guy chief
I do want to say after all these years
it's a great thrill to get back and do
another television show and entertain an
audience that I love so much and now I'd
like to leave you ladies gentlemen with
this one thought I've had quite a hectic
career every year brought a smile and a
tear and I've enjoyed every moment out
here they are entertainment if you're
low when you tune in the dial and my
show brings you one little smile that I
know that it's all been worthwhile
they are entertainment you know to me
every night is an opening night just to
hand you a lab is my one big delight
I guess each performer is right when he
says there's no vis that ever compares
to showbiz those years Jia quickly they
flew everyone so refreshingly new and
though I've spent 47 with you
[Music]
unlike some deodorants fresh doesn't
promise you eternal romance dream
roll-on stick all fresh does is keep you
fresh when you think of it that's quite
a lot
until I see you soon again tonight
[Music]
I want to thank Turk Douglas and
Charlton Heston for popping in tonight
also appearing tonight we'll note prom
and Christine nope
next week during this time period say
the art Linkletter show and David
Brinkley's journal in color Friday night
I'll be coming you away in a new and
most unusual role here at NBC the
occasion is the International Beauty
spectacular to combine a showcase of the
world's most beautiful women with a four
hour of entertainment join me for the
International Beauty spectacular this
Friday night at 10:00 9:00 central time
here on NBC
you