the Jack Benny program what are you
doing out here
you weren't supposed to come on till
later I couldn't wait to tell you the
news the news what is it what do you see
I'm a member of the Elks and every year
our Lodge votes for the outstanding
comedian of the year and since I
nominated you they felt that I shall
have the privilege of telling you well
naturally you should be the one to tell
me you lost
[Music]
don't feel bad it wasn't even close then
less you got one vote
thanks anyway yeah oh don't thank me I
voted for Captain Kangaroo
[Music]
now Dennis you're making this whole
thing up now you say I got one vote and
all right which one of the Elks voted
for me the one with the antlers
well a Pam is a fan I guess now look at
Dennis instead of continuing with this
silly talk how about going out doing
your song alright it's Benny
[Music]
that's the highest anybody's been on
this show since Phil Harris
oh yes I was talking about radio and you
know I started to say that the one thing
I like about doing radio was that the
same actor could play let's say 80
different parts and that means of course
that you could save a fortune most
versatile actor that I've ever had
associated with me was Mel Blanc Mel
come on
now how many voices did you actually do
for me on radio Koscheck I can't
remember I never did kaanum all well
let's see now you played my French
violin teacher we must have been here
then that mad Mexican fella
she what was his name again
sigh sigh see
[Music]
now you did you also did my train
announcer remember that train announcer
on radio I'll bring give me the
microphone would you please every time
we were at the railroad station remember
the train announcer train leaving on
track fine but for a time
[Music]
oh yes my parrot now see how many of you
remember my old Maxwell was mad
well how about doing the Maxwell you
know getting the car started nobody knew
it for them
[Music]
well that was great now of all the
things you did for me what was the most
difficult voting for you at the Elks
Club now while we're reminiscing about
radio remember those great mystery shows
they used to have you know they put them
on late at night and you could turn down
the lights and listen to those eerie
programs Oh don don would you bring out
that photograph again please thank you
oh you're welcome jack ah ladies and
gentlemen as I mentioned before there
were many many mysteries on radio but
see if you remember this one put it on
now this was my favorite oh I remember
that one it is yeah and I remember what
he said - I am the Whistler I walk by
night I know many strange things hidden
in the minds of men and women everywhere
I know the nameless terrors of which
they dare not speak and one of my
favorite programs - Jack I'm glad
because tonight ladies and gentlemen for
our sketch we're going to do our
impression of the Whistler relief oh you
didn't know
ladies and gentlemen for our feature
attraction tonight the Jack Benny
players bring you that spine-tingling
suspense pack thriller entitled
[Music]
ah I play by night I influence the lives
of innocent people I once gave the wrong
group fewer cavities I take pleasure in
running into other people's business
as a matter of fact I feel the urge to
be nasty right now
Hausa Brenda let's say that it's right
there that's the home of mr. and mrs.
Park Gwendolen and Griffin and they're
happy but not for long
for I am the fiddle
Gwen oh dear this dinner is delicious
thank you Griffith oh by the way dear
where are the children
darling we have no children then who's
at the priests in my slippers every
night
that's Rover our cocker spaniel I've
wasted all that money having his teeth
straight
the reason mr. park is named Griffith
because his head is like a golf course
it has 18 holes in fact when he walks
down the street on a windy day without
his head on he sounds like a Calliope
I have a surprise for you yeah mother is
coming to live with us
Oh Willie that's wonderful
he may be happy now they won't be long
now fix that
for I am the fiddler
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
yeah what happened this book just turns
sour
no no that's what I did tell me where is
your dear mother coming tomorrow oh I'm
glad you told me now I can buy her a
present I wonder what I could give her
why don't you give her a kick in the
teeth
Oh your father gave it that last year I
just answered your question but I didn't
say anything
you didn't know I thought it did you see
you see I haven't confused already
I hate to leave you alone at night
Gwendolen but I've got to get down to
the office there's so much work to be
done
I understand it's pretty chilly out I
think maybe I better wear something on
my head what do you want your hat or
your corpse
[Music]
if you have darling Calliope head the
office leaving his wife Wendelin all
alone
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
empathy I know many strange things while
Griffith is at the office
what is this room some little wife dude
she is waiting for the gentle knock of
her lover knock was gently but the
scenery is loud
[Music]
done you look so debonair in your sports
car office thank you and I'm so proud
all the other chaps envied me because my
sports car is built so close to the road
but I must have my car checked on the
way over here tonight
I think the brakes were armed
Oh matter kiss me that's what happens
every time Calliope head goes to the
office break it up break it up is murder
oh darling we could be so happy together
but weren't for my husband that's it
that's it I just got an idea
so did I that's like get rid of Griffith
kill him did you say something no but I
was thinking we could take Griffith down
to the union station and threw him
beneath the wheels of a moving train
with all those crowds everyone would see
us
so what'd they think it was a candid
camera stunt
when you've done to the station to meet
your lover my mother oh what a time to
pick would you any Felix the any
feelings you would have known it wasn't
his brace that were granted another
wonderful way of getting rid of Griffin
who when he comes home you hide in the
closet when he goes to hang up his hat
you strangle them well that way we'll
get rid of him I know no nobody but me
as I and the fiddle
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
Hey
[Music]
darn this wind it always comes up this
time of night
wait of it there's someone coming
well it's all Calliope
[Music]
I can't wait to get back to my loving
wife Gwendolyn I feel so sorry for her
while I was at the office she was at
home all alone are you sure she was
alone yeah
about twice a week my best friend
Derrick stops by the house but that's
only two hey Matt what am i doing
talking myself out here on the street a
lot of men talk to themselves when
they're wiser in love with supergroups
she's not in love with someone else
she's in love with me
today's our anniversary see I bought her
a present don't be such a shock heaven
you'll find them together okay
[Music]
or Gandhi gets a match cuz I have
planted the seeds of suspicion a damn
murder but then with those holes in his
head I could have planted geraniums
Griffith wait Derick I didn't pop it and
when he raised up it's half strangle him
jolly good darling you're home early
step aside woman I'm a search this place
look footprints on the carpet big
footprints made by it
size 12 shoes why didn't you tell me
your mother is here our mother isn't
here you fool those are Derek's
footsteps ask her about her lover or
Master about her lover
how's your liver
stupid her lover ask her about her lover
was Joe here Joe is yesterday today it's
Derek avoid it over that closet
Oh wonderful
fill up your head
[Music]
boy you shouldn't compare him when I get
mad I'm a tiger
del Griffith don't just scan there it
came home found your wife with two other
men let her have it
alright here you are darling your
anniversary present thank you for the
anniversary present let's celebrate
yeah let's dance oh we don't hit any
music excuse me a minute
would you like to hire somebody for the
music oh yes um but we don't want to
just a violin oh well I can take care of
that sit right over here right there now
a 1 a 2
[Music]
first I'm not a silly sketch so I always
did love that that theme low
[Music]
what did you do that for because I am a
musician
goodnight folks
[Applause]
you