the Jack Benny special Christmas Joe
with Mary Livingston Dennis day
Rochester Bob brought me this why from
quartet yours truly Don Wilson with
special June Allyson and Branzburg
[Applause]
and now ladies and gentlemen it is with
great pleasure and deepest respect that
I present the star of our show a man
who's not only the Dean of American
comedy but who like the tide keeps
rolling across here in the Europe who
despite the wearing of the elements and
the ravages of time on the games and
quality and who although failing in
memory has managed to grow his way to
the microphone
thank you thank you ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to life with Methuselah oh
look I don't want to start off by
complaining but here we are doing a big
special Christmas show and you have to
introduce me like that Jack I thought
I'd give you a very nice send-off done
after that introduction that people
won't know whether to expect jokes or
organ music they sound 300 years old
well believe me Jack I didn't mean it
that way oh you didn't hey well look
that we have shoulder do it nice so
legend if I'd had any idea that you
would misconstrue what was meant to be a
compliment I certainly wouldn't say okay
done okay let's forget can't forget it I
wouldn't say anything to hurt you for
the world
all right as a matter of fact my wife
that's beautiful I'm so glad you're not
going to say anything to make that old
goat on your wife called me an old goat
well don has your wife by any chance
seen the contract you have with me how
could you miss it you had a tattooed on
my chest well the next time you take a
deep breath have a wreath small print
you can't let me go after all the years
I've been with you I started as your
announcer in 1934 during all these 22
years I've given you loyalty devotion
some loyalty every time I cut your
salary you tell everybody Don why don't
you just you know cut my salary my
mother slap your silly face
I'm Dennis I wasn't talking to you well
it's about time you did I've been here
since 5:30 this morning
5:30 this morning how come you got here
so early
well I have to come by bus and I wanted
to make sure I'd be here on time a
hearty living here three miles you only
live three miles away why did you start
off so early the right bus it must have
been a copy to San Diego in time to
catch the plane back here you took a bus
to San Diego and then moved back here to
Los Angeles not what why would you do
that well the only way I know how to get
to the studios from the airport oh yes
and now ladies and gentlemen I want to
fire me go ahead you need me on this
show look Don how many laps would you
get if I were a big fat slob
[Applause]
nobody's firing you know what he's mad
you just forget about the whole thing
hello jack
damnit Ivan I'm sorry that I'm late jack
but well I've been with my agent lining
up some guest stars for my afternoon
television show oh that must be quite a
profitable your honor every day like you
are well Jack we've managed all right so
far
I don't see how you do it you know the
trouble I have getting guest star for my
TV show knits it's only on every other
week
Jack we've worked out an entirely
different system for getting gas and the
one that you use how does York work for
we Pam you pay you pay your gesture yeah
you ought to try it sometime
it's your system why should I steal
[Music]
[Applause]
suntan glow honeymooners at last alone
feeling forever
oh how lucky we are I like
[Music]
[Applause]
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with nothing for you have a guardian
[Music]
with nothing
what to give and to give to me
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
ah that was very very good oh I'm glad
you liked it jack but yeah I looked at
you while I was singing that number and
I had the feeling that you were upset
well it has nothing to do with your
singing Bob I just thought that if we're
trying to do a big classy shoulder I you
should have hired some other musicians
instead of my regular or the same game
different orchestra well Jack I think
this is one of the finest musical
aggregations that I've ever worked
oh you're doing well Bob I'd like to ask
you a question let's say about downright
for instance the basement done right and
nobody slaps a baseball he does that's
what I'm getting at
why is it he always sticks his hand in a
bucket of water before he slaps the base
of course I have it I what he used to
work in a brewery slapping labels on
beer bottle
I'll accept your explanation uh mister
like musical eccentricity but what about
Bagby your piano player
Oh what about gold bag anything about
the fact that he's on parole but he
can't read music he doesn't know the
white keys in the Black Keys I never saw
such a crazy-looking piano i watch that
extra pedal for well that was Bagby's
idea for pedals on piano what are they
well they're soft medium loud and camel
you never knows when he's gonna have to
make a getaway I was going to ask why
the piano has white sidewall tire thanks
to everything jack well it's too bad he
doesn't think a little more about music
what do you say I said oh no you know as
well as I do not only does Bagby play by
ear but if it isn't in the key of C II
can't play at all oh yeah huh okay Jack
you asked for it now Bagby come here
better what do you say that all he knows
is in the key of C well let's find out
go ahead and ask him anything at all
okay Oh Maggie how about something with
three shark okay Charlie give him
something well take card Charlie come on
oh I know
the our dining movement from The Barber
of Seville by Jeanette
let me get this right the unbounding
will look when the Barbara bill by
Gillette free shower looks got feel shot
[Applause]
I apologize Bob he wasn't L Bagby to
vote okay Charlie you can go now roll
the piano right out of the studio mr.
bunny oh I'll take it boy yes I sign
right here point there thank you oh just
a minute Boy here's a tip boys thank you
hey fellas look at this beautiful
package that just came is it boy you can
go aren't you gonna open it what package
please wait open it says don't open til
Christmas why should I open it now you
got it
can't stand it any longer but two weeks
now without a day off I'm delivering
Christmas packages big ones small and
screen ones red ones blowing slightly
look I keep trying to guess what's in
these packages the fake monster small
with the green ones correct with whoa
take it easy
get it open or not when I get home can
either catch me
[Music]
alright alright I'll open this is my old
friend
[Music]
takes so little to make some people well
get on with the show ladies and
gentlemen I'd like to introduce how
would you get home please get it
yourself I'm not working here anymore
I didn't hire you I'm not gonna do
anything I'm just gonna sit here I've
been hitting 5:30 this morning
Oh Mary Mary where you calling from
I'm at home Jack and I was just
wondering who still wanted me to help
you with your Christmas shopping yeah I
wish you would well I've got some time
today wonderful I'll come by and yeah
right after the show fine I'll be ready
oh by the way Jack I meant to thank you
for giving me my Christmas phone antenna
back that's all right Mary what'd you do
with it
I had it $5.00 to it and gave it to my
maid for her bonus see you later Mary
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
Oh Mary Mary where are you right behind
you oh yeah
hey Mary I do like the way I wiggle
myself through that crowd in front of
the store house rumbling you took her
Martha Murray really hell boy these
stores are sure Jann Arden me mister did
you see my wife yeah did you see my wife
no I haven't a matter of fact I don't
even know your wife how do you know you
didn't do with that shopping list I had
oh here it is Jack oh yes now let's see
I've already gotten gifts from my
producer my sound man and my script girl
Mary I still haven't got anything for my
sister Florence she should go though
have you got any ideas for her yeah I
don't know it ought to be something nice
you know Mary I have no brothers and no
other sister Florence is only my only
quote relative
I'll get her something nice what'd you
get her last year pencil shop but then
she is your only sister she writes to me
all the time yeah a sharp pencil you
gotta do something
Harry don't be so oh I'm terribly sorry
oh you foolish Livingstone yeah oh my I
am fighting for my wife I'm getting a
house booking for my nephew I'm getting
some electric plane Lionel no he's many
same we excuse me miss Jenny I got to
run over to the liquor department you
buy a present for my brother I'm going
to get him some of that expensive
imported brandy Oh Napoleon no his name
is Lionel
[Applause]
well why mr. Kissel and Merry Christmas
very good tickets all same for you Oh
such a jolly fellow Marilyn Mary no
where'd she go oh there she is at the
end of the copper and I wait on you miss
yes I could get something for a general
a gentleman your husband no my bought I
worked with him for an awfully long time
and I'd like to show my appreciation
oh here's something nice a goat I play a
gold high class no well how about a gold
teacher know about gold coupling look
mister I wanna get anything you can melt
down
hey how much I could think of something
well if he's your boss you want to get
him something nice after all he's
responsible for your bread and butter
only bread well tell me miss what kind
of a man is your boss
there's nothing unusual about me average
height and weight how old is it well he
says he's around 39 around 39 huh yeah
but I think it's the second time around
pair of military brushes he certainly
could use those candy pony of his head
itches
[Music]
well he is quite a problem now perhaps I
can help you better if you told me how
closely you are associated are you
engaged no we're not well this is your
boyfriend no as a matter of fact me more
like a sister how about a pencil yes we
ship one the Chicago every year it goes
with girl name flossing movie floor I
feel like I know her keep losing each
other I spend more hello mr. penny oh oh
hello it's on its way to Chicago wait a
minute this year I'm not going to get my
sister I'm gonna get my sister something
different oh you are
[Laughter]
Mary will you stop looking at me that
way I was planning all along to get
Florence something else that's what
you're here for to help you know Bert
hey Jack I just thought of something
what marry your sister Florence has a
high PI set haven't you yeah well here's
the record section maybe you cap in her
next album hey that's an idea let's have
a look this is a wonderful record
department a lot of the thieves
recording artists appear here in person
yeah and they have such a big selection
of everything I'll bet they they want
this plaque on the wall Elvis Presley
shook hear mr. wonderful now Jack don't
buy out the whole store well Francis
Francis
[Applause]
oh he's across the street buying a
Christmas gift at the Jaguar agency
Jaguar e this is yes he's picked out a
gorgeous car a bit of blue and now he's
wondering if he should be given you
yellow one you mean Edgar gives a Jaguar
for a Christmas gift and he's fussy
about the color yet I'll have a bike
together J I'd love to Mary but I'm
supposed to be your date autograph and
copies of my record album you know the
one I did for plum I certainly do I've
got it in France as I think you did
those songs just beautifully thank you
how's the selling present well very good
and Jackie was so sweet of you to write
the program up for the cover of the
album well I try to keep it as clever as
I could in solos under what label for
the pet boy you can buy it at any
filling station to buy it they give it
to you with an oil change your album I
can't seem to find it my album all right
over this counter here's one oh thank
you before I bought it
do you suppose I could hear one of the
songs certainly which one did you like
EEE well how about the very song all
right I'll put it on the record player
she I'll give you that
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
and you'll never know
[Music]
I see your face in every flower your
eyes inside the bowl thought of you as
longing here for you the very thought of
you
[Music]
[Applause]
just wonderful I certainly was I'm so
glad you asked me to write the program
notes on the cover of the album I'll
take that record this bird uh-oh
would you mind autographing it for me
not at all right you're a Louisville
please okay there you are thank you and
you can keep the cupboard that's the
corniest thing I've ever read it was
nice talking to you Frances thanks Mary
long day
see you later record I did but on second
thought it's silly trying to pick out a
record for I might enter something she's
already got I wonder what I can I'm sure
you didn't see my way I'd like to help
you but I don't know what your wife
looks like as she any identifying mark
well nevermind
[Applause]
[Music]
it's so hard to know what to get for
flora Sajak here's the Jewish Department
they're having a sale on watch it watch
it I don't know my sister already has
two wristwatches I know I could get her
a dozen handkerchief silly she only got
one knows Rochester over there to powder
yeah bet he's buying something for me
wait on you were your boss yeah well how
about hi no he's got lots of Oh about
our wallet or a money clip
come on a clip what's the Mater clip
thing to hold your folding money I'll
never bring like metal clip that holds
the money tight
[Music]
your boss sound ratted on you let me
work for mr. Benny Jack Benny uh-huh Wow
what are you doing with this money
well the typing is rubber partner I'm
his brother secretary legal adviser
attorney-at-law
and I usually select the script the
movies he made using his movie he had to
blame somebody depending is a great
entertainer
whether it's stage screen radio or
television but as far as I'm concerned
his last TV Joe is one of the funniest
things I've ever seen you keep talking
like that you'll be in Charlotte Mary I
still don't know what to get me I'm
nurturing running into you again
I thought you finish your Christmas
shopping I hate to come back I forgot to
get a present from my uncle I'm buying
him a cigarette lighter Ronson
no he's Mina Shapiro
[Applause]
yeah Jack we don't see the beginning
anything accomplished look Mary you
don't buy the first thing you see well
I'll make it easy for you if you like
I'll go pick out a nice pair of
stockings is it Mary if I want to send
my sister stocking doctor pick him up
myself
didn't I send you a beautiful pair for
your birthday some stockings when I wore
them everybody thought I was a nurse I
got you a part I'm medic so don't come
yes sir may I help you the young man
yeah I'm looking for a Christmas gift
for my parents
your mother and father right yeah how
did you know I wonder what mother would
like oh hey I know I'll get her one of
these what size this one 38 no that'll
be a little too small what size this one
here that's 44 oh that's fine put them
both in it and wrap it up
go ahead frankly I'm a little reluctant
does your mother know how to use a gun
oh sure she's a crack shot every morning
he practices shooting an apple off my
father's head yes you miss once now it
doesn't make any difference of pop this
in front of me while I'm watching the
television hey what about these shirts
over here
they're very nice make a wonderful gift
for your father no I got him some last
year but I was thinking of that blue one
for my boss mr. Penney it was very smart
shirt the collar is the latest thing ha
ha Dennis Dennis oh ha mr. Bennie hello
Merry Christmas shopping yeah we're just
gonna decide a mr. Bennie Skipton he had
to walk up and spoil the whole thing oh
I'm sorry
yet I didn't know you wanted it to be a
surprise yeah now you'll have to close
your eyes okay got enclosed
uh-huh okay mister you can wrap it up
now put it in a shoe box so he won't
know it's a church yeah honey is he
always this way only when he talked when
he says he's a different person
I'm a regular Jekyll and Hyde yeah go
ahead and show them how you can see in
which voice what the Jekyll is a bass
[Music]
sweetly
[Music]
Oh
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
was real good you see mister I told you
when Dennis sing he becomes an entirely
different let me finish since 5:30 this
morning we move them off the counter but
believe them there maybe somebody will
buy it come on let's keep moving we'll
never get our shopping something
different about my sister my world Jack
look
[Music]
[Applause]
how about June hello June you look
wonderful
thank you Mary I haven't seen you since
we were shopping together in London last
summer and Jack I'm so glad I ran into
you today I want to thank you very much
for remembering me all did you get my
present already oh no just the carrier
telling me you were going to send me one
Jack sent you a card
uh-huh I think I've got it here oh yes
here it is
I'm sending you a present the 25th is
the date so you will have plenty of time
to reciprocate sounds more like a ransom
note then why did you go through my
window tied to a rock you can't run away
from it and I just loved it oh thank you
Mary well I certainly enjoyed doing that
picture with Jack Lemmon by the way your
husband Dick Powell directed that didn't
it yes if I do say so myself I think he
did a wonderful job well frankly June
I'm very disappointed in dick and I wish
you'd tell him when you get home you see
he led me to believe that I were to have
the leading role in that picture well he
was going to use you jack but then at
the last minute he changed his mind why
well he figured this on the marquee it
said Jack Benny you can't run away from
it people wouldn't know whether it was a
title or a warning
not to be so smart I remember when he
couldn't get a job in this town you
could remember when fo Barrymore
audition Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm
alright alright but seriously do you
make a lot of picture why is that you
and I never make a picture together well
I know you're popular here doc but the
trend now is to make pictures for the
international market but they love me
over there look at the Palladium in
London last summer you were there you
remember right in the middle of my hack
the audience stood up and cheered for 10
minutes oh yes I remember that was the
night the Queen walked in one of my big
jokes they cheered for another 10
minutes that was when the Queen walked
out
[Music]
Hey look at that strange package that
woman is caring where over there looks
like Dennis days Hedgehog well I got to
run along okay you won't get my best -
hey Joe why are you limping
oh it's nothing too bad you know my
strange thing happened when I came
downtown to go shopping I stepped off
the curb and some idiot driving up the
anvil ran over my
piano marry I'll explain it to you Merry
Christmas
[Music]
[Applause]
now Mary I don't want to be here all day
I'm going to get that other present from
my sister let's go over to the perfume
counter well Jack I've got some other
shopping just wrong Peter there later
all right Mary don't be too long yeah
what it what kind of perfume I owe
Oh for heaven's sake why do you keep
asking me about your wife
I told you I don't know what she looks
like well yeah see this this is your
wife Jim silly of me to keep looking for
donut
anyway mr. she must be in the store
someplace so just keep looking you'll
probably find her I hope I'll hear the
perfume Connor lovely something nice
here for my sister Oh Kurt Clerk what
can I do for you - are you the salesman
here yeah you're the salesman in the
perfume counter don't take my word for
it smell me
[Applause]
now what kind of perfume would you like
to buy well what kind of you got I've
got taboo temptation shocking white
shoulders surrender and you should
excuse the expression my spin let's see
some other perfume okay we have some
very nice imported one evening in Paris
midnight Madrid and here's a domestic
one morning in the smog
[Applause]
funny baby with the tax well okay I'll
take it
oh yeah yeah Here I am married well I
finished all my shopping how about you
how do you think for your sister I sure
did I'm getting her a nice bottle of
perfume well I'm glad that's over now
where do you want this set goes to 185
Pine Street Chicago Illinois 180 the
pencil broke do you happen to have a
knife on you know I do well I can get it
with my fingernail you know of all the
presents I get for Christmas you think
someone would send me a pencil shop what
did you say I said you'd think someone
would get me a pencil sharpener here's a
gift a person can really you now warmest
the rest of that address forget it
forget it come on not gonna buy your so
hard the man there from now on I'm not
letting anyone influence Mary I can hear
Rochester calling me various geographic
powder Rochester what are you doing
there I came down to the store to
shopping in that gave me a job for Roger
you're my father how can you work for
somebody else
Oh boss I'm using money that pays $3 an
hour I don't care how much say what did
you say three dollars an hour well move
Oh
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
ladies and gentlemen it was a pleasure
tonight to do this special radio program
I want to thank the members of my cast
my special guest you and Alison and
Francis Bergen preparing as the
Christmas season approaches my entire
cast and I would like to join in wishing
every one of you a very happy and joyous
holiday season and may the New Year see
true peace on earth and goodwill toward
Annette
[Applause]
the preceding Christmas program has done
to you through the worldwide facilities
of the United States Armed Forces radio
and television service
[Music]