the George Burns and Gracie Allen show
and it happened at the Royal Theatre in
1917 hold it in amongst if you know mr.
burns you've already received advance
copies of your book now do we have to
make all these changes miss Knox I want
my lover that's why to be accurate that
item about van and skank happened in 21
and not in 17 all right fresh you don't
have to sticker on we're gonna be
working here for hours
oh no dear I want to see that you're not
disturbed you might have to answer the
floor or go to the door if anyone
disturbs you I'm here for that yeah I'm
sure I can depend upon you guide miss
Knox oh then I worked for two years with
Billie Lorraine the act was billed as
burns in the rain in Broadway oh not
hold it miss knocks hello Gracie this is
Blanche oh it's great it's Blanche you
want to go shopping
oh no Blanche I don't think I can
Blanche wants me to go shopping
Oh George is waving to be Blanche
commerce nice I'll wave to him
she's waving back to you talk to Blanche
in our bedroom she's not in our bedroom
if she were she wouldn't call me on the
phone she just stick her head out
I mean take the phone in the bedroom oh
yeah the girls the switchboard must be
sitting on it yeah Blanche Gracie we'll
talk to you later goodbye Georgian this
time I'm waving to you good
I'm waiting back go ahead miss Knox hmm
and I work for two years with Billy
Lorraine the act was billed as burns in
the rain in Broadway feet
oh let miss Knox hi Gracie is George oh
there you are boy am I glad you're here
you know George every once in a while a
great story comes along and I just heard
one downstairs the circular I just hope
I can remember that's all anyway these
two fellas meet on a bus see one is a
short when the other one is tall and one
of them is married now the bus comes to
a stop and the short one gets off at the
back end of the bus and the tall one
gets off at the front then I think a
wait a minute no the the tall one gets
off at the back end and the short one
gets off at the front end see it's very
important that I remember which gets off
with you another crisis isn't funny
anyway when they get off George you see
you have to be in a good humor to
appreciate this joke and I was and I
hope you are go ahead miss Knox build is
burns and Lorraine and Raj Raj is
working out now and he doesn't want to
be living on the Pantages circuit well I
didn't want no did the Cox say she's
pretty I'd like to Oh
he imagined a pretty girl like that not
being married oh well I have been lucky
enough to meet anybody as nice as your
husband mrs. burns the Gracie why don't
you take Harry downstairs to Rumple
Myers and and treat him to lunch oh come
on look guy admits knocks we build his
burns in the rain in Broadway thief oh
pardon me miss Knox oddly enough I'm
single and available and I was wondering
what you're doing tonight
yeah it was billed as
next week my book comes out I I hope
it'll be a success but in the book
business you never know what's gonna be
it they say that there are three topics
that are always surefire books about
Lincoln about doctors and about dogs I
know one fellow who played it pretty
safe he wrote a book called Lincoln's
doctors dog something you must sold out
Oh
one copy didn't do yeah I haven't read
that one about Lincoln I just made it up
and if you have it's a famous anecdote I
didn't tell jokes anyone just tell nunik
does wasn't easy for me to write this
book I had to learn the fundamentals of
grammar that I should have lined in the
third grade but I didn't because that's
the grade I skipped I went from the
fourth grade right to the second I had
gone back to the price but I had
something on the principal I caught him
stealing a few my cigars English was
nowhere subject I remember in my grammar
class miss Hollander my teacher always
used to give me an F for my compositions
so when the advance copies of my book
arrived I sent one to miss Hollander
immediately yesterday I got back a
postcard from her yeah another F
Bob Hope wrote a book and when he came
out on his television show he lifted one
up to give it a plug Georgie Jessel even
topped him he picked up two of his books
for the camera I think that's pretty
cheap writing this book was a great
experience everybody came up with
suggestions the chief of the fire
department asked me to use their latest
safety first slogan if you're reading
bed don't smoke or the ashes you sweep
up in the morning maybe rune miss Knox
are still waiting for me you know hope
and Jessel did sell a lot of copies
maybe it's a gooda now too cheap you
know Gracie I've been thinking that miss
Knox is a very pretty young lady I'd
worry if I were you about leaving George
alone with her she might make a play for
it Harry don't be ridiculous no I'd
worry well that's because you're a man
you don't understand these things I know
I have nothing to worry about
you just have to look at it from a
woman's point of view hmm sure what
could she possibly see in George come to
think of it you're right you know
Georgie wasn't attractive he's very
attractive in fact he's handsome but
fortunately he has the kind of face that
doesn't show
yeah well anyway that miss Knox sure
brushed me off hi mom
oh well Ronnie hi Ron how's acting
school all right would you like a soda
no thanks mom I've got to tell you
something
yes I hope it doesn't make you too
unhappy but I just had to do it oh well
let it well I've changed my name
Oh Ronnie you couldn't do that you're
too young to get married
Gracie I don't think you meant that no
mom I've changed it for professional
reasons
Oh Oh Ronnie if people can't go around
just changing their names the supposed
to Washington have changed his name to
work over to Vonzell today would be
Vonzell DC and who want to be President
if they had to live in a town with a
name like that I don't what's the matter
with Ronnie Burns it's a good name and
it means a lot on the stage that's it
it's always associated with Burns and
Allen that stands for comedy I'm gonna
be a dramatic actor I need a name that
sounds like it something that has
dramatic impact oh well what name did
you pick out Cobb Cochran
wrong dude oh no no it's a fine name uh
directly better than bonds LDC call for
calm no I mean there's a phone call for
calm Ronnie no
now what I mean is Ronnie had a call for
calm Oh
from now on I'm gonna call you son I
better get over there to see what they
want well wait I have to go downtown
I'll drop you off Ronnie yeah I mean
Cobb I mean it huh
oh come on kid I'm delighted you're
welcome Harry is everything all right
mrs. Byrne dahlias Lola have you any
children no mrs. burns I'm not married
well if you ever do have any babies
don't fill in their birth certificates
let them do that themselves
we'll remember that you know but Ronnie
has every right to change his name if
it'll help his career oh but his father
it'll feel awful yes ma'am a tuna fish
sandwich ice cream soda now wait a
minute if we change our names then he
won't have to change his one cup of
coffee
well it'll be a good name for me an
eclair
yeah that's a nice name annaclaire for
me
no that was the Eclair you ordered it's
on the menu oh well maybe we could find
another name on the menu that would be
better
um turkey croquettes softshell crabs ala
Maryland that's too long hey that's my
eggs benedict eggs benedict sounds too
much like a gangster huh Lola suppose I
use your first name with it
Lola II benedict the a is for eggs I
guess oh yes do you find your check
please
I'd like to go down to the kitchen and
lie down I'm a little dizzy
huh oh thank you Hooper's you're welcome
Oh mrs. burns
you signed loaded a Benedict well
naturally that's my name
oh and Lola if mr. Benedict should be
looking for me tell him I've gone
shopping
you
I'm sorry we couldn't finish sab Numis
Knoxville after work tonight well that's
perfectly all right mr. burns hello it's
mr. George Burns that's right well this
is the credit department of Bergdorf
Goodman's department store I don't like
to speak to you about something rather
unusual concerning your wife what about
well she came in about an hour ago I
charge several dresses she buying ads no
that is unusual
she said she changed her name to Lola
Eve Benedict and insisted that we
charged the dresses to that name is that
all right with you
Lola Benedict well when Lola comes into
your store give her anything she asks
for and put her on my account
very well mr. Berg she's a wonderful
girl and as far as I'm concerned
whatever Lola wants Lola gets you our
dad buying clothes for another woman oh
I can't believe it's true mr. von Zell I
heard him on the phone I don't know what
to do
no look Ron now I know this is some
silly mistake and don't start any
trouble just keep quiet don't mention
this to anybody all right
I won't George is purchasing Raymond for
another woman
that's incredible no it sounds
ridiculous
but Ronnie heard him on the telephone
play true or not it's none of our affair
and as George's friends it behooves us
to maintain a discreet silence and
repeat this story to no one carrying
your writin
this girl is charging things to George
no doubt you find it difficult to
believe why sounds just like him you me
really
I must confess I was surprised to learn
that he had strayed from the path of
rectitude well I'm not all men are alike
they see a pretty face and they forget
they're married oh no come Blanche you
shouldn't make such a sweeping statement
in all the years I've been married to
you I have never looked at a pretty face
I wish oh I didn't mean it that way the
worst no you're not Jorge's you're a
doll compared to that two-timing wolf
you poor dear this isn't easy but I have
to tell you the man that you've trusted
and admired for many years has been had
been carrying on with another woman
no the wife was made him what he is
today isn't good enough for him now
she's a little older and he's cast her
aside like a worn-out shoe for someone
younger now do you understand what I
mean oh yes die I just simply can't
believe oh wait excuse me I could get my
book laters how dare you carry on with
another woman
greasy hands made you what you are today
and you can't leave her just because
she's getting old and starting to look
like a worn-out shoe
see I assure you I haven't been going
out with another woman it's George oh
it's a likely story well why would you
want to go out with George what we're
trying to tell you is that it's George
who's been seeing another woman
George oh no Ronny overheard him
ordering clothes for her he did oh oh
then it's true Gracie you mustn't be too
hard on George there is a little bit
beast lurking in all men I myself have
been tempted fortunately I have
something to keep me at home I thank
heaven for my stamp collection
passionflower Gracie do you have any
idea who this other woman is well it has
to be the woman who was helping him with
his book holded miss Knox Oh afternoon
he practically threw me out of the room
so he could be alone with her and I
thought he was writing his life story
huh looks like he was also adding a few
new chapters again tonight Gracie where
are you going well I'm going over to
tell George what I think of him oh and
you better come along with the blast
because you know all those words he'll
just deny it the thing to do is to wait
until tonight when he's alone with this
woman and then break in on them and
catch them red-handed oh right MMN
they're all alike
what's that for that's for nothing
so watch it ones now just passed and
called me an old Wolfman said he
wouldn't work for me anymore he's been
with me for years I feel awful
I won't be able to fire the gracious
sent word that she's having dinner with
the Morton so I'm eating dinner alone
the only one who talked to me is that
good that girl who keeps calling up and
asking for cop Cochran Cochran hi dad
you mind if I sit down
should I cup of coffee no thanks
but I would like to talk to you sure dad
I've read a few books I understand that
a man's interesting women is very normal
I suppose that even after he's married a
man can become interested in the
opposite sex
well I read that myself some place my
friend Charlie Watson felt jolly what's
another read him everything was going
fine for Charlie and then out of a blue
his father started taking dancing
lessons at Arthur Murray what's wrong
with that well dad his father's as old
as you are he may even be older Thanks
don't misunderstand me dad I don't say
there's anything wrong with dancing or
even buying clothes for another woman
but when a man gets to be as old as you
and Charlie's father how can he forget
that he has a wife and family doesn't he
realize he's growing old
well maybe Charlie's father is taking
dancing lessons because he wants to grow
old gracefully
damn I know it's hard for a father to
admit a thing like this to his son but
we answer me one question because tell
me honestly
do you love mother sure why that's all I
want to know don't worry dad I'll
protect you
nobody makes sense today
here's your check mr. Benedict's
thank you this girl Nettie
she was a very pretty oh nice so here
you are
oh I thought we'd find them in each
other's arms well this knocks must've
heard us coming and jumped across the
couch I know George couldn't have made
it oh you don't have to explain if
you'll be happier with you take a piece
yours but Nicole or I'll miss you when
I'm going Gracie
oh well I'll miss you too judge mm-hmm
all the little things that have come to
mean so much the way you sleep with your
little hands folded over your little
chest and a little bit of shaving lather
that you always leave in your little
ears around when your little jokes don't
get a little laugh yeah it's the little
things that count
hey Gracie are you really willing to
step aside
oh yes my mind's made up go and start a
new life with your girlfriend no mother
don't say that
Oh Ronnie I didn't want you to hear this
I was gonna wait a few months and then
break it to you gently that your father
was gone you're making a big mistake
she's not dad's girlfriend she's mine I
suppose you heard she was charging close
to dad well she wasn't she was charging
him to me
notice how this kid takes after his
mother I bethought is a fine man would
never stoop to deception I and I alone
and to blame but actor takes after me
l'm too
let's go away together let go of me I've
never seen you before in my life and
what's more my name is Irene you're not
little Benedict no is everybody lost
their mind around here all Ronnie Yes
Mother
look you're a little mixed up I'm Lola
Benedict you see I changed my name today
so you wouldn't have to change yours you
changed your name yes dad I'm Cobb
Cochran
look cop lola tchodson close to me today
and that's what you probably heard on
the phone yes dad I did hmm well Gracie
what have you got to say for yourself
well things are getting very dull around
here let's all go to a movie go to a
movie and take Sam Newman here with you
I was not
like it now I'll get Gracie we'll come
back and do one of our routines for you
Gracie remember the routine we used to
do about your cousin Louise's wedding oh
how could I forget it mean Louise make a
lovely bride a person I thought she was
miss how old is Louise she's just 21
she's the baby of the family are some of
the kids much older than she is
oh yeah twin brothers 40 yeah well in
your family that could happen
I thought we looked a little older than
40 oh well she was prematurely aged
prematurely aged she was an incubator
baby and the nurse turned the heat up to
high yeah well she did look a little on
the well-done side don't know she mommy
had a nice wedding a lot of nice
presents yes they made a lovely display
in the reception room you know I wish my
entire had done that when she got
married
what did Clara do well you see she's
suspicious of people and she likes to
keep an eye on things so so when she
went down the aisle as she pushed all
her presents in front of her in a
wheelbarrow
well your uncle ha they put away those
martinis at Louis's wedding they could
have used a wheelbarrow to take him home
oh that scene he made out on the
lawn farm where they have a statue of
the girl in the middle of it yes he kept
colouring his head off well that could
have happened to anybody he thought his
wife was taking a shower and he wanted
to get in there and shave that's right
out of Sheriff
well of course well look there's another
thing I'd like to have cleared up when
the men lined up to kiss the bride
Louise gave most of them a short kiss
but she went in for a real one clinch
with one fella oh yeah that was Tommy
Briggs why did he get the special
treatment well you see he was the only
man at the wedding who was from other
time with him she didn't know when she'd
get the chance again
who must have been very popular girl oh
he was you know Bonnie isn't the only
man she could have married she was once
engaged to a nearsighted Scotsman but oh
they would have been married except he
disappeared what do what happened to him
well rose one day while he was in a
rowboat he mistook an octopus for his
bagpipes and when he started blowing
them in never mind
assuming on tonight's show were Peggy
Newsom as nuts and Barbara Goodson as
the waitress
you