Family Theater presents Jack Benny and
Mary Livingston
[Music]
from Hollywood the mutual Network in
cooperation with Family Theater presents
45 caliber teapot starring Jack Benny
and now here is your Hostess Mary
Livingston
perfect
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family theater's only purpose is to
bring to everyone's attention a practice
that must become an important part of
our Lives if we are to win peace for
ourselves peace for our families and
peace for the world
Family Theater urges you to pray
together as a family
[Music]
and now
to our transcribe drama 45 caliber
teapot starring Jack Benny as Malcolm
top leaf
foreign
[Music]
have you ever noticed how people
sometimes look like animals
oh I don't mean act like them
everybody's noticed that I mean look
like them
perhaps an ant who somehow reminds you
of a parrot
and her husband who looks like a bulldog
or or an owl
if you've ever noticed things like that
you'll understand me you see I am a
teapot
or not really it's just my type I am
teapotic by Nature even look a little
like one
and the people around me they all seem
to fit into the same general
classification
the cooking or kitchenware class you
might say
there's my wife how many times have I
told you to take your rubbers off before
you come in the house you know the
trouble I have kicking this place clean
without you tracking in all that rubbish
from Outdoors time and time again I told
you not to bring in dirt and yet you
persist don't sign Your Overcoat on the
whole tree you know that's for guests
put it in the closet where it belongs
you know how I hate having things
scattered about yet you know sooner my
wife was a coffee pot a huge ever
simmering never empty coffee pot
complete with spout
the spout was always spouting off
you can hear it working now in the
background aha you say she must be quiet
when she sleeps
[Music]
not so a different kind of spouting off
but spouting nonetheless
[Music]
um
see what I mean
[Music]
then there was the supervisor he was in
charge of things in the library where I
am employed as a restorer of rare books
his name Ernest Edgewater and I thought
of him as a fish platter
a big broad chested outdoor type fish
platter who likes to be right in the
center of things and in a position to
catch all the gravy without doing too
much work
yes Edgewater was definitely the fish
platter type
good morning Puppy full sock wheel with
the Ancients oh
the slap was Mr Edgewater slapping me on
the back and the thump was my forehead
hitting the workbench
yeah how's everything this morning top
Leaf oh beautiful morning eh same we
have to spend it in this stuffy old
library better to be out basking on the
beach you look like you could use a
little sunshine top Leaf you look kind
of peaked sir my vacation is a month
overdue now if you could fresh air is
what you need here let's open up some of
these windows that little air and
sunshine in hey old suck
yeah keep up the good work top Leaf
doing a fine job fine job
Mr Edgewater call me in my office if you
need me always in the office top Leaf
all work and no play but that's life
Miss Winters if anyone calls me I'll be
at the links all morning just leave any
messages at the clubhouse good girl
[Music]
then there was Miss
World by Nature as sweet a child as I've
known shall I close these windows for
you Mr top Leaf I'm sorry the wind blew
all your pages out of order well that's
very kind of you Miss Winters thank you
don't let him bother you Mr top Leaf he
gets on my nerves too
Margaret Winters was in love with a fine
young man in the refile section Bill
Regan Bill seemed made for Margaret
maybe that's why I thought of him as the
cream pitcher type because he just
seemed to belong with Margaret the Sugar
Bowl bill was a splendid young man I'd
like to punch that Edgewater right in
the snoot a splendid young man
so you see life around me was full of
problems problems which I being teapotic
by Nature could never have solved except
for but then I'm getting ahead of my
story the story actually began at home I
remember Ursula and I had just finished
the evening meal
foreign
are you going to drink another cup of
tea my dear this is only my second cup
well I don't think you should have any
more but now Malcolm you know how I hate
looking at dirty dishes besides you'll
never get to sleep tea keeps you awake I
believe it's supposed to be coffee my
dear well be that as it may I just can't
bear looking at these dishes another
minute after all I work a slave in this
house all day long the least the very
least you can do is to have a little
respect for my wishes yes dude besides
if you wash them before the food hardens
it won't take you nearly as long I was
listening to that fellow on the radio
that's his name Sam feel something
inside of me ready to snap then I
thought of all the books about nervous
breakdowns I'd read they all started
with something snapping then I remember
seeing that movie with that Brando fella
when he cleared all the dishes off the
table with his forearm just swept
everything off into the floor
I'd yearn to do something like that I
was suddenly obsessed with the idea I
put my forearm down on the table and
Thomas are you doing you put your coach
sleeve right in the butter right in the
butter oh so I did oh you must be out of
your mind of all the stupid things to do
I swear now come I can't understand why
I ever married you I just can't
understand
it was then right then that I decided to
do something
[Music]
oh morning Mr top Leaf don't see you in
this part of the library very often
hello Bill just doing a little research
research a little problem at home bill
see what it says here how to build
strength and character be your own man
self-help for the downtrodden and six
easy lessons
ever any of these books Bill I've read
most of them Mr top leaf
uh sir I
I don't want to seem to too personal but
this problem at home is
is it the wife you've met my wife
yes sir those books won't do a thing for
you
frankly I think you you might have
better luck if you just kind of take the
bit in your teeth how's that just let
her know who's boss she already knows
sir I wish it were that easy Bill what
we talked about just between us all
right sure Mr top Leaf if I do run into
anything I'll let you know thanks Bill
foreign
[Music]
[Applause]
later that morning I was sitting at my
work table rebuilding a page from the
medical Prince of prairie When Miss
Winters stopped by
Mr top leaf
another repair job yes
yes interesting this one I'm working on
fine old prints over 300 years old it's
interesting how foggy those early
medical men were about the human body
now this fella Prairie even put the
heart on the wrong side did he one of
these prints he left out the spine maybe
he was the model who didn't have one oh
how could that be Miss Winters everybody
and why hasn't Bill proposed oh I see
what you mean sometimes he's so close I
just know the next thing he's going to
say is we just won't do it well maybe he
thinks he isn't making enough to settle
down maybe a raise in pay well he'd
never get it from Mr Edgewater even if
he'd ask he's waiting for a raise I
might as well give up
oh well I shouldn't worry you with my
troubles you've got problems of your own
I certainly have troubles of my own all
right this is a strange one this book oh
the one you just brought in let's see
sudden cures and medicaments for
frightful ills and mixtures for the
correctment of unseemly conditions
what a strange title
what do you suppose it is oh a book of
ancient prescriptions most likely you
know how to make warts vanish take a
pinch of powdered dragons horns mixed
with water from a hollow log things like
that worthless but interesting I'll get
to it presently
[Music]
think much about the manuscript at first
but something kept popping back into my
mind it was that mixtures for the
correctment of unseemly conditions
I picked up the papers began thumbing
through them then I saw
[Music]
a common case of being the Mastery of a
shrewish wife
this woeful this concert is most often
caused by man for the man May himself
bear fall for not assuming Mastery in
his own house that's true enough
the user should be cautious for this
remedy is potent and might give more
confidence and is helpful
let's see what this recipe calls for hmm
the white of two eggs easy to get
oil of clove drugstore I'd have that
nutmeg hmm
see what else it says
I can get all these things
now what do the rest of these
instructions say
shake well and mix equal parts with the
newly popular and health-giving culture
made by the bulgarians
why that's just plain yogurt
yogurt I believe I'll take a jar home
this evening yes why not this very night
[Music]
[Applause]
that you Malcolm yes there don't leave
your rubbers in the hall now I didn't
wear them there well don't leave them in
the hall anyways yes dear what have you
gotten that paper sacked oh just a few
items from the store my dear I've been
feeling a little a little unsettled
lately I got some things to sort of
correct the condition now I hope you're
not running to the doctor with every
little ill oh no if you knew how I
skimped and save to make ends meet you
wouldn't be running to the doctor with
every minor little complaint but my dear
I haven't oh I'll get it
foreign
[Music]
just a moment dear like the fire in the
oven Malcolm the meatloaf is already
inside adjustable diagnosed the air
well oh yes dear
yes I'd love to hear but wait till I
tell you the latest about Lord and Al
now I have a great many false but I do
pride myself on saving time I think I
use my time that evening to Great
Advantage I went into the kitchen lined
up all my ingredients on the drain board
got out the mixing bowl then just to be
on the safe side I looked the oven to
heat up the meatloaf after that I began
mixing my ingredients with great care
following the instructions
[Music]
keep spouting Ursula yeah yeah
let me see heat nuts Copper Pot Copper
Pot I haven't got a cup uh copper bottom
cooking where that ought to do it keep
talking just a little longer just a
little longer
I watched it come to a simmering point
then I turned out the flame and set the
mixture on the back of the stove to cool
I was really too excited to eat much
dinner I was too excited to do anything
but check things over in my mind and I
added the nutmeg at the right time had
the eggs been fresh enough with copper
bottom cookie wear work as well as the
Copper Pot
will the whole thing worked what did you
say huh oh nothing my dear well as I was
saying I don't see how you could have
left this meatloaf burn the only thing
you had to watch well oh yes that
of yours if it's anything like that
other blood Builder that big juice and
raw egg business you were taking last
winter I just won't happen around the
house well this should be quite
different my dear I believe it's cool
enough now I don't know why you can't
get along with vitamins a little as I
filled my cup from the copper bottom
saucepan I spilled just a little in the
saucer that I'd make nothing
much more than enough I was shaking like
a leaf as I raised the cup to my lips
and drained
wow
well if you finish drinking your
concoction you know how I feel about
looking at dirty dishes you might just
as well clear the table clear the table
did you say clear the table
what's come over you I'll clear the
table all right
want me to clear the mantle too no no
no maybe the stove gas connections and
all
don't you raise your voice to me
fine I was thinking of cleaning up the
floor anyway
my dear we're just going to make some
changes around here Malcolm no more
Malcolm it's Mal Mal get that Mal now
say it once
I'm crying in this house none you will
be happy
now when I'm running things understand I
wear the pants I keep the pay envelope
there are any orders I give them you do
the shopping you do the cooking the
dishwashing the house cleaning from here
on out I'm the master of this house
understand yes milk what's that
my slippers yes now but now you're
wearing your slippers don't argue with
me when I speak junk when you jump
[Music]
more coffee yes
yes if I make it strong
no I used
tomorrow use three
six was enough
now finish packing my lunch yes dear Ray
the thermos I put
I better go downtown buy some dishes
today replace the ones I broke last
night yes dear then catch a bus and meet
me at the library at six I'm going to
hit Edgewater for a raise today and
tonight we're going to celebrate getting
it yes dear anything you say well see
you later no but dear why should I take
the bus when I can drive down oh I
forgot to tell you from now on I'll be
driving the car to work every day but
now you don't know how to drive a car
[Music]
now I will admit the potion did give me
a wonderful feeling of self-confidence
and that the instructions it caution
against overconfidence but I didn't feel
my judgment had been distorted true I
hadn't driven a car before but I had
seen others drive and some men learned
from merely observing others fortunately
I am one of those men
iron backing it out of the garage was a
simple matter surprising how simple it
really was
then when I was in the middle of Elm
Street I stopped set the crankshaft and
forward and leisurely proceeded through
the gears
second to low
to high
just though I'd been doing it all my
life motor Donnell enjoying the early
morning sun and the sounds of other
happy drivers going to work
I felt I had pretty well settled things
at home so while I motored along I gave
some serious thought to Bill and
Margaret had an idea I could do
something for them actually I had a
couple of plans in mind one of them
centered around what I had in my thermos
bottle
[Music]
there was only one parking place left in
the library parking lot there was a
small one right next to edgewater's car
I slowly brought my machine to a stop
then setting the parking brake because I
was going to park
I put the gear shank in reverse
and backed into the spot next to
edgewater's auto
[Music]
then of course the next stop was calling
an old fish platter himself
[Music]
foreign
fish platter you're good for nothing old
Rogue you bum how's everything this
morning
slap was me slapping Edgewater on the
back and the thump was edgewater's
forehead hitting the desk
who's that top leaf well careful old man
not as young as I used to be beautiful
morning eh shame we have to spend it in
the stuffy old library eh well yes as a
matter of fact it is what have we been
reading here new book
how to improve your golf game fine don't
mind if I borrow do you edge platter
Water Edge how about your clubs they
pretty good good set fish water edge
water
yes they're pretty good clubs not to
fine I'll borrow them too here now
totally Board of examiners will be
coming through in about a week Board of
examiners
where'd you hear that
how do you know I call them I thought it
was about time we did some straightening
up around here let me get this straight
you Malcolm top Leaf you called the
board of examiners why not I'm ahead
with my work Margaret Winters Bill Regan
The Librarians the clerch are all caught
up with their work but top League you're
the only one behind and you wouldn't be
if you'd spend a little time in the
office fish platter I am stabbed in the
back how could you do this to me top
Leaf better get things organized My Boy
tell you what I'll take this whole thing
over for a while might be able to get
you out of this
thanks for the use of the club oh please
don't don't let anything happen to the
putter right
I called your wife or you missed it Mal
thanks Maggie
foreign
ERS would you call the country club and
tell them Mr fish platter yeah I mean
Edgewater won't be there today yes sir
thank you Miss Winters
what do you suppose is the matter with
Mr Edgewater nothing we can't fix easily
enough Maggie do you really want to
marry bill I mean really oh Mr top leaf
think about anything think he wants to
marry you I think he does but we'll call
him tell him to meet me in the locker
room oh no Maggie yes ma'am
[Music]
I told Bill everything that had happened
about how quite by accident I found the
strange recipe and about what it had
done for me
oh now just a minute Mr top Leaf Mal uh
malvin things like this just don't
happen well here's the proof in that
Thermos bottle what have you got to lose
let me ask you one thing shoot do you
want to marry Margaret well sure what
man in his right mind wouldn't want to
marry Margaret then why haven't you
asked her are you kidding Mr tup Mal I'm
a good looking gal like that would marry
a look like me oh sure we've been out a
couple of times but she only went for
Laughs suppose I told you she'd like you
to pop the question no I'd say you were
nuts but even if you're worried out you
know I couldn't even think about getting
married in my salary see what I mean
what have you got to lose
all right Mel open your thermos before I
do promise me you'll treat her right
yeah all right
you're gonna have me believing there's
something to this and you won't punch
Edgewater in the nose
yeah sure I won't punch him in the nose
all right I think half a cup should be
enough for you
smells pretty bad
well it's dumb hatch
[Music]
the effect on bill was immediate he ran
right out of the locker room didn't even
open the door first
[Music]
I never heard what he said to Margaret
Winters just didn't get there quickly
enough but judging from the look on her
face the results were very satisfactory
foreign
[Music]
I told him about my idea then we called
on Edgewater and I outlined the plan to
him
may I ask a question shoot fish water
isn't it Edgewater deer oh that's right
you you beautiful thing you
what was your question Edge platter but
I I just want to get the whole thing
straight now you people are offering to
help me get my work organized so I'll be
able to get it done in time for the
board of examiners that's about it
wouldn't you say that's about it
gorgeous
that's substantially correct and all I
have to do is increase your paychecks so
you'll be getting what you're worth
that's right and then you'll give me my
clubs back Tuesday and Thursday
afternoons and over the weekends if you
keep up with your work
all right top Leaf you've got a deal
[Music]
well that's about it the story of how to
change began for the wife and me for
Margaret and Bill and for Edgewater
actually it worked out pretty well
even Edgewater seems happier now that
he's leading useful life I don't even
think of him as a fish platter anymore
you sort of turn into the serving trade
type and Mrs top Leaf I don't think of
her as a coffee pot anymore either
she turned out to be a dutiful and
loving wife fine woman but I am still
teapotic by Nature not the same as
before though I'm a different kind of a
teapot now
I think of myself as a teapot with a
high muzzle velocity
that was quite a remarkable recipe oh
incidentally I restored the book
it's on the library shelves now if you
were thinking of checking it out
it's filed under how did I file that
book
was it under folklore or history
or did I put it under chemistry then it
might be filed under oh well if you
really want to just browse around a
little you'll find it
[Music]
this is Mary Livingston again
you ever notice how frequently an
everyday conversation you hear familiar
little phrases and adages
they are used and reused so often that
we come to think of them as a single
idea rather than as a group of words
one such adage which we all have heard
at one time or another is
charity begins at home
let's look at this group of words a
little more closely
for instance the first word charity
what does this word mean well the most
common and generally accepted
interpretation would be generosity
but that's not quite correct
charity comes from the Latin Caritas
which means love
generosity is but one byproduct of love
so substituting the word love for
charity we have love begins at home
now take the word home
a home is a house occupied by a family
therefore home and family are very
closely related
so now our adage becomes love begins in
the family
love is a tie that holds a family
closely United
and this love stems from family prayer
for prayer is the voice of love
and the prayer that rests in the heart
and on the lips of the family is most
pleasing to God
and he will answer these prayers by
extending his blessings of love
and of Harmony and a freedom from
Discord
so you see
the family that prays together
stays together more things are up by
prayer than this world dreams of
[Music]
from Hollywood Family Theater has
brought you 45 caliber teapot starring
Jack Benny Mary Livingston was your
Hostess others in our cast were Verna
Felton Charlotte Lawrence Fred Shields
and Lee Millar the script was written by
Robert Hugh O'Sullivan with music
composed and conducted by Harry
Zimmerman and was directed and
transcribed for Family Theater by John T
Kelly
series of Family Theater broadcast is
made possible by the thousands of you
who feel a need for this type of program
by the mutual Network which has
responded to this need and by the
hundreds of stars of stage screen and
radio who give so unselfishly of their
time and talent to appear on our family
theater states to them and to you our
humble thanks this is Larry Chatterton
expressing the wish of Family Theater
that the blessing of God may be upon you
and your home and inviting you to be
with us next week when Family Theater
will present the first morning starring
Robert Ryan Jane Wyatt will be your
Hostess join us won't you
[Music]
Family Theater is broadcast throughout
the world and originates in the
Hollywood Studios of the world's largest
Network this is the mutual broadcasting
system
[Music]
thank you
[Music]