the Jack Benny program transcribed and
by friends after all is said and done
the reason you are anybody else smokes a
cigarette can be summed up in one word
enjoyment and certainly the enjoyment
you get depends entirely on the taste of
a cigarette put it this way
smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste well the fact of the matter is
Lucky's taste better cleaner Pricer
smoother here's why Lucky's tastes
better first they're made of fine
tobacco Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
fine naturally mild good tasting tobacco
second
Lucky's are actually made better made
round firm fully packed to always draw
freely and smoke evenly yes fine tobacco
in a better made cigarette gives you
better taste every single time after all
smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste and the fact of the matter is
Lucky's tastes better you'll know that's
true the minute you light up a lucky so
next time you're shopping for cigarettes
get the carton with a red bullseye
Lucky Strike be happy go-lucky get
better
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
The Lucky Strike program starring Jack
Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester
Dennis day Bob Crosby the sportsman for
10 years early
[Applause]
and now ladies and gentlemen I give you
the star of our show a man who for years
has won the highest accolade of critics
and public alike
Oh Don please a man whose unique
abilities have brought him to the
pinnacle of success and whose oh I can't
read this stuff you like
[Laughter]
go ahead a man whose talent has exceeded
only by his modesty
[Music]
thank you thank you thank you hello
again this is Jack Benny talking and Don
I don't see why it should be so hard for
you to say a few nice things about me
but I'm happy you managed to struggle
through that introduction well Jack the
only reason I did was because I was
afraid you'd fire me Don I couldn't fire
you why not because this happens to be
national save your fat we oh come on now
Jack there hasn't been a national Savior
fat week since 1944 Don Edward Armour Oh
can be topical I have to be funny anyway
you know what today is don't you yes yes
I do
it was exactly 20 years ago today that I
agreed to go on your show
oh gosh Jack have you and Don really
been together that long
we sure have Bob and right from the
start was a wonderful association no
arguments no bickering no lawyers that's
right Bob
you just tattooed the contract on my
stomach and let it go out there
and every year there's been room for new
clauses
[Applause]
I don't over here boy hey it's from
Dennis anything wrong let me read it
dear mr. Benny I may be a little late
for the show today as I have to get my
shoes shine and my car washed
I'm also eloping to Niagara Falls
Dennis eloping Taniya griffons what a
crazy kid I didn't know he had a girl
out of a clear blue sky Dennis elopes
couldn't get married like everyone else
with a ceremony and guests and a nice
violin solo oh well if Dennis yeah
pardon me mr. Benny are you still here
well I hate to mention it but when one
delivers a telegram it's customary for
one to get a tip oh oh yeah
how much do you usually get well hell
that's up to you I wouldn't want to
influence you in any way well let's see
uh do you mind if I use your phone a
minute no no go ahead
hey hello Martha but this is Herman hey
how's grandma
oh not any better huh Oh what can we do
we can't afford medicine for the baby
either
[Music]
but but mark if we spend that money on
medicine we won't be able to buy any
food huh the landlord was over what do
you say he's only gonna give us two more
days keep up your courage control
yourself control yourself here here I've
got a tip for you oh gee thanks mr.
right
oh no no what's the matter
for a lousy time I just wasted a routine
I could have used on strike at rich
[Music]
look that's all the change I have for a
tip anyway I'm doing a radio program now
so why don't you wait how long mr. Benny
Dennis what are you doing here I thought
you were eloping oh that's all off all
off what happened well this morning I
was about to propose to the girl and I
really saw her for the first time she's
got long stringy hair beady eyes bad
complexion a mean face and she's as big
as a horse she sounds like a mess yeah
boy am I glad she turned me down
then she turned you down I don't care
I'll marry her twin sister Oh fine you
should see her twin sister she's got a
figure like Marilyn Monroe legs like
Betty Grable hair like Rita Hayworth and
a face like Ava Gardner there's of the
other girls so ugly how could her twin
sister be so beautiful you and Ed Morrow
can be technical I have to be funny
[Applause]
[Music]
Hey
[Music]
a phoom phoom electro-pop appellate
remit to Tinga Tinga willing to do that
[Music]
that was very good dinner that was
wonderful and now ladies and gentlemen
for our feature attraction tonight we
are going to do our version of universal
internationals classic of the gridiron
all-america isn't that the one where
Tony Curtis stars is the football hero
that's right in fact tonight I'm playing
his role all but Jack Tony Curtis is so
young how can you even think of taking a
part he played look there's no sense in
arguing because I'm gonna play the Tony
Curtis part and nobody can stop me I can
pour you Tony Curtis
[Music]
Tony Tony Curtis this is a surprise well
Jack I was at the studio when I heard
about you doing this sketch tonight so I
thought I'd get down here as fast as I
could
Oh Jack you really don't intend to take
the part I played in the picture do you
well of course I do
well don't you think it's a little
ridiculous what what's so ridiculous
about it
Jack the picture happens to be
all-american not early America look Tony
I don't understand your attitude at all
it so happens that the producer of your
picture Aaron Rosenberg is a very good
friend of mine if you don't let me play
the part you'll have to go back to the
studio and face him I mean how would you
explain it to him I mean what would you
tell him him drove me down here
I'm gonna play the part unless you have
a strenuous objection well I do I think
you're playing the part of a college boy
is incongruous oh yeah well let me tip
hey Bob Bob come here man woody
yes jack what
what does incongruous mean well I'm not
sure
Oh Radley
[Applause]
Bramley a fine fella - his dictionary
consists of scotch bourbon white Hagin
hey now look Tony I'll tell you what
incongruous means it means inappropriate
unbecoming not harmonious in character
in consonant or inconsistent oh well I
still don't understand it the meaning of
incongruous Oh how one twin can be so
beautiful and the other one so we're not
talking about that well I don't
understand in Congress either look
Dennis explain it to him Tony all right
I'll make it simple Dennis incongruous
means something that doesn't fit
certainly you know something that
doesn't fit now Tony you just sit down
on the studio and watch me play your
part I'm sure you'll enjoy okay take it
down and now ladies and gentlemen we
bring you our version of that thrilling
universal international picture all
Americans a saga of college life on the
grid iron curtain musi
[Music]
this is the story of a poor boy who
because of his talent on the football
field was able to go to college rise to
the top and become an all-american
[Music]
[Laughter]
when they finish we were in the third
the rest of the game was routine until
the last few minutes when I made one
spectacular play I kicked a field goal
from the 16 yard line the crowd went
wild I change it to Benelli Nik finale
at the end of the season I made every
All American team my passing was praised
by Conyers my running was a product by
look and my deodorant one the good
housekeeping seal midstate so I
transferred to Sheridan College and the
next fall I found myself in the
registrar's office where the deans
secretary was filling out my entrance
application now let's see Nik Pinelli
Fanelli oh here's your card now tell me
what is your height 5 foot 11 your
weight 173 a color of your eyes oh
they're blue aren't they
bluer than the toes of a barefooted
field goal kicker
[Music]
well that's all the questions and oh
just a second you're here on a football
scholarship aren't you yes ma'am
well in that case you will be provided
with tuition room and board and you'll
be given a hundred dollars a month to
spend do I have to spend
no thank you
now of course you and all the other
football players will have to earn that
money
I understand what will my job be well in
the dean's office there is an eight-day
clock and I'm supposed to wind it no the
full-back whines it your job is to see
that he does under the burden of this
assignment I began my first year sure
I'll never forget the day I met our
famous football coach I remember how he
walked into the dressing room and said
all right you men I want all the linemen
to go out and practice tackling the ends
brush up on past receiving half backs
we'll put in two hours each bucking the
line the full-backs will spend the whole
day trying to kick field goals and you
you're playing quarter aren't you yes
sir what shall I do scratch my back this
was a thrilling moment for me at last I
had met that great coach a cheat day I
stood there scratching his back he
looked at me and yell do it again do it
again harder harder
now wait a minute coach I don't want to
do this I'm an all-american at MIT State
well you're assured now and everybody
starts from scratch and another thing we
observe strict training here yes sir
that means no parties no dancing and no
dates with girls and you'll take all
your meals at the train table you have
to be in bed by 9:00 up at 6:00 and we
practice seven days a week but what do
we do for fun here at Sheraton on
Tuesday night you play Scrabble with
naughty words yes coach day
disciplinarian and when it came to
football he was a perfectionist we had a
good team but the players weren't very
bright
so coach day had little radios installed
in our helmets so we could listen to the
broadcast of the game and find out who
had the ball
one day I tuned in the wrong station and
tackle John's other wife
after starring in three straight games I
was the toast of the campus but I found
out that Sheridan was different than
midstate these students were snobs and
my roommate Robert Carter was the
biggest snob of all he was always
nagging me
hey Benelli what is it Robert how many
times have I told you when you store
things in the closet keep your mothballs
away from mine but how can you tell the
difference
minor monogram Oh Robert why can't we be
friends
I don't like riffraff but Robert I'm so
popular on the campus all the
fraternities are begging me to join well
mine is the ritziest one and I'm sure
that you won't get in why not because
I'm the only member and the only reason
I got in is my brother owns a college
[Music]
but Robert sent me straight on one thing
Fanelli you don't fit in here if you
didn't play football nobody at Sheridan
would even talk to you
oh yeah they'd still like me for myself
or what makes you think so
I'll tell you why because I've got a
winning personality muscles of Steel
that the fellows admire and respect and
the kind of youth and good looks that
make girls swoon that door slam wasn't
Robert it was Tony Curtis leaving the
studio but I decided to find out if
Robert was right the next day I turned
in my uniform and overnight I became the
most unpopular person on the campus a
few weeks later at the dance before the
big game
i sat for hours in a corner by myself
nobody came within 5 feet of me I was
beginning to think good housekeeping
might have been wrong it was then that I
saw her hello handsome she was beautiful
and I had a hunch she was popular too
she was wearing 164 paternity pins no
dress just fraternity
she smiled and came jingling towards
before I knew it we were dancing
together what's your name
viola ward I'm Nick Benelli I know G
Nick dancing with you is different than
dancing with the other college fellows
it is yes they don't even know the
minuet G viola you're beautiful will you
marry me I might if you changed your
mind and played football again oh so
that's it well I wouldn't play football
for anything not even if I kissed you
like this no like this no or even like
this
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I had decided to play football after the
first kiss
but I wasn't foolish enough to tell
[Music]
the next day I was sitting alone in my
room from the stadium I could hear the
cheers of the crowd and the
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
I was not made of stone in the school
spirit and that song got me I rushed to
the stadium and slipped into my good old
uniform the game was well into the
fourth period Sheridan was trailing by
one point and as I ran out of the field
the crowd went wild in the huddle I
called my favorite play but was stopped
cold the opposing team had the biggest
line in football his name was Don Wilson
once I ran around his end and was out of
bounds
time was running out but I kept cool I
knew our chance for , and with seconds
left to play i intercepted a pass and as
I weave down the field suddenly
everything went black I couldn't see a
thing my helmet and slipped down over my
eyes it didn't fit in other words it was
in Congress
[Music]
I draw off my helmet and cut to the
length I take to the right i6a suddenly
I thought of the aura and I found myself
doing the minuet on the 20-yard as I
started running again I realize there
was only one man between me and the goal
line
but I couldn't get by him then I noticed
he wasn't even wearing a football
uniform and I hollered at him why don't
you let me get by I'm still waiting for
my tip and I didn't give them the ten
why should after all it was Tony Curtis
and not I who was the all-american
[Applause]
[Music]
friends forest fires are one of our
great national hazards today perhaps
this very minute a forest fire is raging
because somebody was careless somebody
tossed away a lighted cigarette forgot
to put out a campfire or was careless
with matches
forest fires ravaged millions of acres
of timberland week in America take lives
so please be careful be cautious don't
give fire a place to start
thank you but first here's the voice of
the Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist
Rube Goldberg hiya folks
I've learned that what some people think
is funny others don't think is so hot
it's all a matter of taste and taste
applies to a lot of things including
cigarettes to me
Lucky's tastes better and taste is what
I'm looking for and I always find it
when I smoke a lucky now when I buy my
Lucky's if you'll pardon this terrible
pun I buy them by the cartoon thanks
Rube Goldberg friends smoking enjoyment
is all a matter of taste and the fact of
the matter is Lucky's taste better
cleaner fresher smoother Lucky's come by
they're better taste for two reasons
first they're made of fine tobacco the
whole world knows LSM Ft Lucky Strike
means fine tobacco then Lucky's are
actually made better to taste better so
be happy-go-lucky buy a carton
[Music]
ladies and gentlemen I want to thank
Tony Curtis who appeared tonight through
the courtesy of universal international
pictures and will soon be seen in his
latest picture forbidden good night
everybody when little late written by
sam farren milk Joseph Berg George
Foster
John tackleberry Al Gordon Al Goldman
and produced and transcribed by Hilliard
Marx be sure to hear the American Way
with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every
Thursday over this same station
consult your newspaper for the time the
Jack Benny program is brought to you by
Lucky Strike product of the American
tobacco company America's leading
manufacturer of cigarettes and al stay
tuned for the aim is an Andy show which
follows in just a moment this is the CBS
Radio Network
[Applause]
[Music]