from television city in Hollywood we
bring in two Jack Benny show with his
special guest on free Bogart presented
by Lucky Strike
thank you thank you very very much
ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the
Lucky Strike program you know I really
you like you laughs excuse me for
laughing but I just spent the most
wonderful half hour I've ever spent in
my life I was listening to my own radio
show tonight am i I was so calm about
you I said so many funny things oh I
know what you're thinking you know but I
believe I really believe that a man
should be honest with himself if there's
anything I hate is when a comedian is
great and won't admit
I've never met one like that
and one thing about me lady I'm on I
really air you know if any other
comedian if any other comedian has a bad
show I'm the first one to admit but I oh
I have my falls yes I'm not perfect or
anything I get on too easygoing and I'm
not overly ambitious but then after all
I I don't want to be the you know the
richest man in the world America's big
enough for me
like you know ladies and gentlemen
tonight
you know I announced three weeks ago
that tonight Mary Livingston was going
to be on my show you see but
unfortunately we had a postponement
because there was a big mix-up and
everything you see when the producer
asked Mary to be on my show I told Mary
to ask for a lot of money you see you
know I forgot that I was paying for it
so instead of Mary tonight we have
Humphrey Bogart as I guessed I and
really I'm getting him fairly reasonable
now top he is on the screen you know
what a tough guy knows nothing about
business
nothing at all well anyway this show
that I'm going to do
what is about that I want to talk to you
a minute what is it well I just heard
that you talked with the producer and
there's a possibility of my song being
out of this show yeah well look Bob the
reason for that is see this show is very
very long you see and we had to make up
our minds whether we take out your song
or my jokes you see then we thought we
would do what was best for the show all
well and my song is there no no Bob we
felt that it would be much more
important is he to leave in my jokes you
mean your jokes are more important than
my song yes yes my jokes stay in and
your song goes out well that's like
keeping the smog and throwing away Los
Angeles
yeah
keeping the small and throw your way Los
Angeles
pretty clever line isn't it yeah plus in
my next TV show I'm on TV five times a
week I thought you were tired no look at
Bob your song is out and that cetera you
see I'm running this show I'm the boss
it's my show and I'm running it whether
it's good bad or indifferent well that's
what the critics said about your last
show what said Bob was good Jack was bad
and the audience was indifferent Bob go
and get ready for the play well all
right I can't understand he's the
toughest guy to get along with you know
he's only been with me a short time you
know and the only reason I hired at all
was because I wanted him you know I want
him to introduce me to his brother bean
I found out he didn't need to know
well anyway as I said the reason the
reason that I've got Humphrey Bogart on
this show I won't tell you about the
play that I'm gonna do with Humphrey
Bogart is because my sponsor called me
yesterday I believe it was and my
sponsors the Northey Knights my
sponsor told me that he had a feeling
you know he likes my shows
he likes my TV shows very very much but
he had a feeling that I wasn't doing the
the integrated commercials he said I
wasn't making the middle commercials in
the show important enough you know and
after all hi you know my sponsors paying
the bills and everything and he has the
privilege of making suggestions you see
take the suggestion right I have the
privilege of quitting
but I don't want to abuse the privilege
tonight on this show in case you notice
that we stress the commercial you know
I'm doing
okay what's this I hear about you riding
me out of the commercial on this show
that well done Don look it wait am I
gonna have trouble with you to your
bearing well man oh I very well may
we're done the reason you're not doing
the commercial see and because I have
another very important way of doing it
now just a minute Jack yes what's more
important about the commercial than the
way I do it look Don you don't fit into
it this wheel I mean I mean hurting the
script for the sake of your commercial
is like is like it's like keeping the
smart and throwing away my sin
look don't you know what am i doing this
commercial means still me now after all
I'm not a funny man I don't tell jokes
I'm not an actor I don't sing songs I
don't lead a band why are you paying me
for
Don you're hanging yourself we'll talk
about it later
that's the whole
the fella been with me 20 years I can't
understand why I have so much trouble
with everybody in my caste
but everybody always complaining always
unhappy I don't know maybe if I gave
more money than yeah better they should
be unhappy than me but anyway well we've
got to get on now with so ladies and
gentlemen now tonight we're gonna offer
a real real dramatic play called baby
face starring Humphrey Bogart on with
the show
this is the 24th precinct police station
situated in the heart of New York's
theatrical district this is the
detective squad room here crime with its
quick easy promise is shorn of its
flimsy veneer and revealed in its sordid
squalid reality to this room come people
from all walks of life the flotsam and
the jetsam the hoi and also the polloi a
man you see at the typewriter Detective
Sergeant Crosby the man looking through
the file standing behind Crosby to his
right which would be to your left on the
screen or or to your right and his left
or whiny way he's detective Wilson and
he's to everybody's right and left you
can't miss the men who just came in our
detective O'Brien and a suspect he has
just arrested well where'd you pick this
one up of Ryan I picked them up in an
alley
thanks Mike was trying to start a fire
in a warehouse he may be that Firebug
we've been looking for take him up and
let the captain to have a look at her
God get in there come on
we could tell that from the clothes he
wore incidentally my name is lieutenant
Benny I should be arriving at the office
any minute oh here I come now I took off
my hat and coat
I hung him up on the hall tree Wilson
and Crosby I had heard a funny story
last night night passed it on to the
boys
although I was a tough boss and a
stickler for work I had a lot of charm
and the boys love me see that
hello precinct 24 yeah
detective Benny speaking just a minute
385 Madison Avenue a window pried open
mm-hmm screen lose no fingerprints must
be the cat burglar all right we'll get
him well the cat burglar again huh
yeah it's the 15th tabby stole this week
I cants afraid to go out at night his
officer Sweeney's reports you know he
went over to Brooklyn to pick up that
strip teaser the strip teacher that was
four days ago and all but twenty wants
to make sure she's guilty for he brings
her in I tried her arrest her myself but
I couldn't get anything on
but it picks up the trial Wow
slim fingers Sarah I put her over at the
automat she was left on my nickels out
of the slots again eh you can go Burke
I'll take care of her take your filthy
hands off me alright alright don't
holler they say the first time you've
been pinched tell him black and blue hey
lieutenant wasn't she in here about a
month ago
yeah she's the slickest pickpocket in
the country operates all over town
last time I rested her was at the zoo
zoo yeah he picked a baby kangaroo out
of its mother's pouch let me to do a
silly thing like that
maiya pocket is a pocket
I'll make it easy on yourself and sign
that confession maybe I'll give you a
break oh no you don't I ain't signing
nothing till I talk to my lawyer and
besides I'm entitled to make one phone
call these crooks know their rights all
right go ahead
Oh sharing and this is Sara
yeah as they surely would you do me a
favor get rid across to my apartment
will ya the matter the key is under the
mat as surely as there's a pot roast on
the stove in the kitchen that's right
did just lower the gas under huh
yes very low I won't be home for 90 days
why did you call your lawyer
my song they cut out
I was typing out a report on slim finger
Sarah when the door opened and there
were detective Simmons and Ross they had
brought in a vicious gunman a killer
named babyface Bogart
I didn't mind the applause he got on his
entrance but I resented the fact that
Crosby and Wilson joined in it looked
like this time we had Bogart dead to
rights according to Detective Simmons
and Ross our little crook named blinky
Mason had been shot to death
they picked up Bogart a few yards from
the scene of the crime with a smoking 45
in his hand
slowly sit down over there alright baby
face
start talking what do you know about
blinky me I tell you I ain't never heard
a no blinky Mason who cares if he was
raised in a tenement in his mother said
he was a nice little boy or his teacher
a sweet gray-haired old lady cried when
he graduated and his brothers brethren
that owns a haberdashery store in
Schenectady I don't think I don't even
know his girlfriend a blonde Dana what's
an aircraft Factory
there's boyhood Chum that ran away from
home and I went to Australia wait a
minute baby face here old blinky Mason
how come you know so much about I seen
it on this is your life
what G key how I cried when they brought
in the warden that he hadn't seen for 20
years the war yeah yeah hey hey you know
they flew that guy all the way out from
same thing by TWA maybe face you kill
blinky Mason I'm gonna get a confession
out of you then how you gonna do that
beat me hey Barry well me when Mason was
knocked off you were standing there with
a gun and listen to this now what did
you do with that gun now wait a minute
before you start any rough stuff I'm a
title one phone call ain't I
well yes okay give me a time and I'll
run down to the drugstore
oh you'll make that fool call right here
where I can keep my eye on ya save a
dime yeah
hello honey
Charlie listen listen honey this is baby
face yeah well I I won't be home a
little later oh that's too bad
now what were we gonna have for dinner
honey pot roast I could have told him
that dirty crook yeah yeah now listen
listen Charlie I want you to do
something for me you calling a living
room and over by the fireplace and
inside of the fireplace there's two
loose board now now listen you lift up
those boards and you stick your arm in
and inside there's a package yeah yeah
you know that's my laundry I want to
back by Friday
why didn't you call your lawyer I don't
like the way he does my shirt now you
kill blinky Mason didn't I didn't do it
I've got a witness
oh yeah yeah I don't want to you guys
practice
thanks for lunch I'll go away you're not
gonna leave me alone with this guy get
over there sit out
all right babyface can stop talking now
I want to hear about that witness what
about well I I don't know his name but
he was then right alongside of me at the
time of the murder though he was a yeah
yeah why was he going well he said
understanding that he he had dirty
muffler
well he yeah yeah yeah you know he was a
curly-headed guy he was about 5 foot 10
eeeh - he had a gray suit on and brown
eyes
oh yeah what color hair he was bald wait
a minute you said he was a curly-headed
guy that's right no hair just a curly
head
I ain't buying that babyface starts a
let's get back to that witness again
what was he doing well he was he was
holding a cigarette in his hand yeah
what kind of a cigarette
I said what kind of a cigarette well he
would say hi hi ain't gonna talk I said
what kind of a cigarette all right all
right
maybe the Lucky Strike
now we're getting somewhere and Lucky
Strike eh
what made you think it was a Lucky
Strike I ain't talking what make you
think it was a lot described because it
was the wrong to find two fully packed a
free and easy on a draw
can you remember that Wilson are you
kidding or lured question babyface what
was he doing with that cigarette
he was peeling it he last day how'd you
know it wasn't a banana because they let
me taste it was a Lucky Strike all right
because what keys taste bad my finger
pressure smooth Lucky Strike
all right what else nothing
what nothing what nothing no nothing
feet better taint
I knew we'd get him to talk black him up
fellas
all right all right get him up get over
there you two I swore to get you Benny
but why because you've always you'll
never leave me alone because you've been
hounding me just because I pulled a
couple of lousy murders
what what are you gonna do I'm gonna put
a red eye between them two blue ones
where'd you get the gun you didn't first
be so good when I came in did you know
no when I put my hand in your pocket I
thought a dollar bill I got so excited I
didn't look a babyface
okay I'm a manager anything look I want
to die I'm too young to die by the time
I'm a nice guy olive your everybody
loves me everybody you love me don't you
fellas all right all right
copper start praying I'm gonna let you
have it yeah yeah I know you're tight
baby face they're all right
they're pretty brave with that gun in
your hand eat throw that gun away I'll
show you power okay
how about that come on Sarah let's go
get that pot roast be my guest
I'm walking
the special guest Humphrey Bogart but
first a word from part of the collars
and smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste and the fact of the matter is
cleaner better sure Lucky's taste better
everybody knows Lucky Strike means fine
tobacco fine light mild tobacco that
just naturally tastes better and Lucky's
are made better they're round and firm
and fully packed to draw freely and
smoke evenly with fine tobacco in a
better made cigarette golly you're just
bound to get better taste
smoking enjoyment is all a matter of
taste you know and the fact of the
matter is
when the sketch was over I found that I
had enjoyed it even more than my radio
show I was laughing so much I could
hardly thank Humphrey Bogart for helping
me give such a great performance he told
me that he thought he had handled his
role extremely well he believes in being
honest with himself - then he told me
about his new picture beat the devil
with Jennifer Jones then I told him
about the last picture I made
oh I I almost forgot to tell the
audience that I'll be doing my next
television show in three weeks
that's right ladies and gentlemen are we
with you three weeks from today and I
believe I'm pretty sure my guest star is
going to be Johnny ray you see I feel
that I'm responsible for Johnny Ray's
success because when I offered him a job
a long time ago he asked me for an awful
lot of money and I cried and then he
stole that for me no he's going to be my
guest
thank you
preparing on tonight's program where
Sara burner and penny Rubin remember one
week from tonight on this same station
and southern returns in private
secretary
the Jack Benny program has been brought
to you by Lucky Strike products the
American tobacco colony America's
leading manufacturer of cigarettes on
Wilson saying be happy-go-lucky