from television city in Hollywood. The
Jack Benny program with a special guest
Fred Allen.
Thank you.
Thank you very very much ladies and
gentlemen and welcome to the Lucky
Strike program. Now, on our show
tonight, we um Oh, in in case you're
wondering about these, you know, my uh
producer insisted that I wear glasses
when I first come out cuz he said it
wouldn't hurt if people thought I was
Mr. Peepers.
And he uh he had another idea too about
my uh standing. uh he made this
suggestion, you know, that I stand in
the center of the stage, you see, and
then sometime during the performance, a
big two-tonon
uh block of cement
should fall down and hit me on the head.
See, he felt that this would appeal to
the people who watched. You asked for
it.
for the thousands of requests, you know.
But on my show tonight, ladies and
gentlemen, as you probably know, my
guest star is Fred Allen. And a lot of
people think, of course, because of this
feud that's been going on for so many
years, that Fred and I are enemies, that
we hate each other. And this isn't true
at all because Fred Allen and I are the
the best of friends.
Well, maybe I'm overdoing it. You know
what I mean? Just a little bit. I I
wouldn't say that we were the best of
friends, you know. I would just say that
we uh let's say that we're friends, you
know, just friends.
Or friends might not be the exact word
that I'm trying to say. What what I mean
is that we're more uh more uh well, I
don't know, maybe we do hate each other.
I know I can't stand him.
You know, I remember a few years ago, I
must tell you this. When Fred Allen
first came out here to Los Angeles to
Hollywood to make a picture, you see, he
made a picture called It's in the Bag.
And the producer of this picture wanted
me to play a small part in it for
nothing. You know, I didn't get paid or
anything. and he um he talked me into it
by telling me that this picture would be
made in Technicolor. So I was kind of
anxious to see how I'd look, you know,
my eyes and everything. And uh
he um so he told me this would be made
in Technicolor, but the minute we
started to shoot the picture, we found
out that we couldn't do it in
Technicolor at all. They had to make it
in black and white because due to a
peculiar pigment in Fred Allen's skin,
he photographs Argyle.
I remember twice in the dressing room I
put my foot in his mouth.
But what a character that Fred, what a
face on Fred Allen. with those bags
under his eyes. He looks like a short
butcher peeping over two pounds of
liver.
But anyway,
uh tonight after our uh ra uh television
show, the one we're doing now, I'm
flying to San Francisco because I'm
opening tomorrow night at the Kern
Theater for 3 weeks. I'm playing a
theater for 3 weeks. And the reason I'm
so excited is because this, you know,
the very first time I ever appeared in
public was in San Francisco. I remember
I played my violin, you see, and this
was oh, years ago. I I I forget just
where. I know it was right in the
shopping center of San Francisco. I
think it was on the corner of of Market
and Taylor then. I understand there's a
theater there now.
But anyway, when I was Benny, that's
enough at this
>> Ry Bill, will you bring the boom in a
little closer so we can get the extra
scenery right behind you? Good. Trouble.
I mean, what what's wrong?
>> Oh, you won't have to go over your
monologue anymore. That's fine, Mr.
Benny. The length's just right. Excuse
me a minute, fellas. Will you cut the
house lights and back, please?
Well, look, I mean, you mean I I don't
have to rehearse any longer now? Well,
if I But if I don't have to rehearse the
monologue, maybe I can rehearse the uh
the sketch that I'm to do with Fred
Allen.
>> Oh, no, no, we can't go over that either
because Mr. Allen hasn't arrived for
rehearsal.
>> How do you like that? I I give a guy a
job because I'm sorry for him. I pay his
bus fair all the way to New York.
He doesn't show up at rehearsal.
>> Well, as long as we stop, we might as
well break for lunch. Lunch, everybody.
>> Break for lunch. Lunch. Lunch.
Everybody. Rochester. We're breaking for
lunch.
>> All right. How's everything? You got
everything?
>> Just fine. Just fine. Fine. What you
have, boys?
>> No. Wait on the customers first.
Ham and cheese.
>> Ham and cheese. Yes. You're very, very
good.
>> That's it. See if the orchestra wants
something, too. Ramy, you want a
sandwich? And
>> don't forget your chain.
>> There you are.
>> Got you, sir. Look, I want to ask you
something. Why Why do you put so much
ketchup on the sandwich?
>> Well, that was AN IDEA OF MINE TO DRUM
UP MORE BUSINESS. WELL, how would
ketchup give us more business?
>> Well, I figured if some of it dripped ON
THEIR SHIRTS, WE MIGHT GET TO DO THEIR
LAUNDRY, TOO.
>> YEAH. Never thought of that.
>> That's a good ham or cheese.
>> I had my lunch. Thank you. I just wanted
to tell you that as long as Mr. Allen
isn't spicy enough, as long as Mr. Allen
isn't here, we might as well skip the
dialogue rehearsal. And we've got a lot
of work to do with the lights anyway.
So, we won't need you for probably 2
hours.
>> 2 hours. Rochester. Look at I had an
appointment with my sponsor at 4:00.
Now, we're breaking for 2 hours. I I
I'll be late for the
>> Well, boss, if you if you don't have to
do anything for 2 hours, why don't YOU
GO SEE YOUR SPONSOR NOW?
>> HEY, maybe I'll do that. You know, this
is the day that he picks up my my option
for next year. Picks up your option.
>> There's nothing to worry about,
Rochester. You know, it's just a
formality, that's all. you know, he just
wants to be sure that he's got me, you
know,
>> you know, for next year. That's all. So,
I'll run along and see him and you sell
all the sandwiches and everything. Huh?
Oh, by the way, Rochester, while you're
selling the sandwich, give him a sort of
a floor show. You know what I mean? Sing
and dance or something and that way we
can get the cover charge, too. You know,
for the
speed,
Mr. B has some noodle soup. Oh, we ain't
got a bill of money.
May be ragged funny, but we're down long
time to die. All we don't know is coming
tomorrow.
May be trouble and sorrow, but we'll
travel around sharing alone
in all sorts of weather. Maybe the sky
will fall
as long as we're together.
Doesn't matter at all. All that your
trouble departed.
We'll be back when we started. We'll
travel along
in all sorts of weather. Doesn't matter
at all.
Mr. Super
singing a song.
Hello. the American Tobacco Company. I'm
sorry, but Mr. Lewis can't be disturbed
right now. However, I'd be very happy to
take a message.
Yes.
Mhm.
Uh-huh.
Yes. Yes, sir. I'll see that he gets it.
>> Yes, sir.
>> My name is
>> Excuse
Mr. Lewis's office.
>> Oh, yes. He asked me to take the
information.
Yes.
Mhm.
Uh-huh. Yes.
>> Yes. I've got it. Thank you.
>> Yes, sir.
>> My name is
Mr. Lewis's office.
Yes. Oh, yes.
Yes.
I see.
Yes.
Well, I think so. Well, it seems that
Mr.
>> Just a moment, please.
>> Hello.
>> My name is Jack Benny. I'd like to speak
to Mr. Lewis, please.
>> I'm sorry, Mr. Benny, but Mr. Lewis
can't be disturbed right now. Can he
call you back?
>> Call me back?
>> Yes. Are you at home or in Palm Springs?
>> I'm in Stockholm.
Smores board 8321.
Look, miss, I've been trying
>> Oh, Mr. Benny, I'm terribly sorry.
>> All right. Uh, I I have an appointment
with Mr. Lewis. Uh, could I see him?
>> No. I'm sorry, Mr. Benny. But Mr. Lewis
has someone in his office right now. He
left orders not to be disturbed. Do you
mind waiting?
>> No, no, no, not at all.
>> May I have Mr. Lewis call you back,
please? Thank you.
>> See, Mr. Lewis is uh picking up my
option today.
>> That's nice.
You know, I've been with the American
Tobacco Company now for 10 years, and
they're very, very happy with me, you
know.
>> That's nice.
>> Then why shouldn't they be? You see, I'm
uh I'm acknowledged to be one of the
greatest comedians.
>> Excuse me.
Yeah. Hope he doesn't keep me waiting
too long. I don't want to miss my
rehearsal.
>> As I was saying, Mr. Lewis,
as I was saying, Mr. Lewis, it isn't
that I want Mr. Benny's job. You
understand? It's just that the time has
come to have you put him out to pasture.
>> Put him out to pasture?
>> Yes. For 30 years, Benny has been
milking the same jokes to an audience
that is not contented.
>> Now, think it over, Mr. Lewis.
>> I don't know. Taking a man like Jack
Benny and putting him out to pasture. Do
you think it'll work?
>> Why, of course. Look, if Benny can spend
the last years of his life around
anything green, he'll go for it.
Take my advice, Mr. Lewis. Let him go.
I'll take the show over and finish the
season for you.
>> But I I can't let Jack go like that.
Besides, we've given him a contract.
>> Mr. Lewis, you are a shrewd businessman.
Mr.
I know that somewhere nestled down in
that legal document that there must be a
tobacco picking clause.
>> Mr. Alan, why don't you sit down?
>> Sit down? Have you ever ridden 3200
miles on a bus?
If the sun feels like I do right now, it
will never set again.
>> Well, try that chair. It's very
comfortable.
>> No. Before I'd make a change, I'd have
to be sure it was one for the better.
Now, tell me, have you any television
experience?
Nobody has
even the voice of experience has no
television experience. But I have
studied the the medium thoroughly Mr.
Lewis and I see television as a small
screen and every performer must confine
himself to a to a small area in that in
the screen. You understand? And I've
been training for that. I am ready for
television because I have been
rehearsing inside of a Bendix washing
machine.
inside a Bendix washing machine.
>> Yes, sir. And to make a popular slogan
even more popular, now the tide's in.
Let's let Benny out.
>> Mr. Alan, um, may I ask you a personal
question?
>> Why, of course.
>> You see, I I've seen you on an
occasional guest appearance.
>> Yes.
>> Now, does that give you enough money to
live on?
>> Oh, hardly, I would say. But I have a
unique talent, Mr. Lewis that affords me
uh steady employment, I might say. That
is three days a week. Oh,
>> that's wonderful. What do you do?
>> I'm a taster for Dr. Ross dog food.
>> Dog food?
>> I'm the phto who knows best.
My name is known in every kennel from
coast to coast, Mr. Lewis. They call me
the canine Duncan Hind.
>> A dog food taster that is unique. Well,
it's a talent that I acquired during a
dull season of layoffs in New York some
years ago. There was a things were bad
and I knew a talking dog and he invited
me over to dinner one night and I sort
of got
>> No, Mr. Alan. Now, as regards the Lucky
Strike program, I have no doubt that
you're very wellqualified.
>> Yes.
>> But I must face the facts that in Benny
we have a double asset. You see, he's
not only a comedian, but he also plays a
musical instrument.
>> Plays? Aren't we using the word rather
loosely, Mr.
Rather? Let us say Mr. Benny has an
instrument. But if it's music you want,
Mr. Lewis, I have come here prepared,
sir. I uh You won't know your You You're
sure you like music? Of course. Love
music.
>> Well, you won't know your office from
Carnegie Hall in just two seconds here.
Are you prepared?
Well, there you are, Mr. Lewis. You have
all of my qualifications. Now, if you
will guarantee to to drop Benny's option
and make me the star of the show, I will
not only do a better job for Lucky
Strike, but I will give you a program
with no loose ends.
>> What are you?
>> You said no loose ends. The secret
words.
>> The secret words.
>> The secret words and the $100 is yours.
>> Say, does Groucho know about this?
Brto installed it for me.
>> Oh, I see. Well,
>> tell me when to uh when do I start to
work, Mr. Lewis?
>> Well, I'm very grateful for your offer,
Mr. Allen, but you must give me a few
days to think it over.
>> Yes, sir.
>> You see, I have an appointment with Mr.
Benny regarding his option, but I'll do
my best to stall him off.
>> Well, that's certainly fair enough. And
I tell you, if you should decide to
favor me, will you please call me before
9:00 in the morning? It's so
embarrassing being pulled out of line
down at the unemployment office.
>> Goodbye, Mr. Lewis.
>> Goodbye, Mr. Adam.
>> It's been a pleasure.
>> Thank you for coming by.
>> Thank you.
>> What's the matter, Mr. Alan?
>> It's Benny. He's outside. He can't see
me in here. I'll hide in the closet.
>> No, no, no. Not in that closet. Go in
that one there.
>> Oh, what's the one over there? That's
right. Say, I may be in here for some
time. Have you uh Have you got a light?
Oh, why?
>> I'm ready to work for the company. I'm
smoking the cigarettes already. Just
>> there. We are.
>> Yes, I am.
>> Mr. Rockford, you may send Mr. Benny in
now.
>> Yes, Mr. Lord. Or Mr. Benny, you may go
in now.
>> Oh, thank you. Thank you very, very
much.
Well, well, hello, Mr. Lewis.
>> Hello, Jack. How are you? May I take
your sit down? Sit down.
>> Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very
much. You know, Mr. Lewis, I you know,
I'll never forget the very first year
that I ever worked for you.
>> You know, when option time came along, I
was a nervous wreck. But now, I don't
know. It's just a formality. It doesn't
bother me at all. I just come in, you
sign the contract, and that's that. It's
been a wonderful association.
>> Yes, it has been.
>> Be been.
>> Oh, Ben. been. Yes. Yes, it has. It's uh
and I'm fully convinced that it will
continue to be to be.
It's been a lot of fun working for you,
Mr. Lewis, and uh you've been a
wonderful sponsor. And after all, where
else can you find a comedian as funny as
I am?
Now, Mr. Lewis,
>> Mr. Lewis, I do think
>> I have the options you want to sign
today.
>> Oh, the options. Good. That's splendid.
>> The options.
>> What is the first one?
The Hip Parade.
>> The Hit Parade.
>> Uh, Anne Southern.
>> There's Anne Southern's option.
>> Robert Montgomery.
>> Robert Montgomery. Now you'll see these
are put in the mail so they can be
counted.
>> Where's mine? Look at where my look at.
But my option my option. Look at I came
up here to sign an option. I mean I mean
let's get this over with Mr. Lewis.
Let's have no loose ends.
>> Mr. Lewis, I said let's have no loose
ends.
>> Jack, what are you looking for?
>> You know what I'm looking for. GROUCHO
TOLD ME.
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE'S MY CONTRACT? I
came up here to sign a contract. Now,
where should
>> be? My desk alone.
>> What do you mean? But it should be in
the
>> Mr. Lewis.
What is my contract doing in the waste
basket? It
>> It must have blown off my desk. You see,
when the windows open, there's a strong
wind from the northeast.
>> That's funny. Last year, it was from the
southwest.
But look at Mr. Mr. Mr. Lewis, now why
beat around the bush? I mean, everything
we say here is we're private. We're in
here alone. I mean, there's nobody else
in here but us,
>> Jack. Regretting your option.
>> What I I mean, regarding your option?
>> Yes. Yes. Yes.
>> I must have a little time to think it
over.
>> But I can't understand why you're
hesitating, Mr. Lewis. I mean, I don't
know. Something tells me that you must
have someone else in mind. And I don't
know. I I don't know why you you keep
doing that to me. After all, I I've been
with the American Tobacco Company for a
long time, and I'm I'm not as young as I
used to be.
>> That's true. You were 39 when you joined
us.
>> That's right. And I've done a great job
all these years, Mr. Lewis, for the
American Tobaca Company. I don't know.
I've I've worked hard. We've had
wonderful shows and I I've sold the
product and twice I I I I let you
exercise the uh the the tobacco picking
clause.
>> We didn't exercise it. You held us to
it.
>> Well, I I still can't understand why
you're doing there. There's some reason
why you're stalling.
>> Jack, you're taking the wrong attitude.
I haven't come to any decision about
dropping your option. It's just that I
that I I want I want to think it over
for a while, just for say four or five
days.
Well,
all right. I'll I'll wait.
uh four four or five days.
>> Yeah, that's right. Jack, where can I
get in touch with you?
>> Well, just call your secretary. I'll be
sitting in the outer office.
>> Don't forget now. Don't forget the wrong
>> Fred.
Fred Allen, what are you doing in that
closet?
>> Believe it or not, I'm playing post
office. Post office.
>> Kiss me.
Mr. Lewis, there's something fishy going
on here, and I'm going to get to the
bottom of this. What's Fred Allen been
telling you? Jack, there's no need to
get excited. You know, the entertainment
business is very competitive.
>> Oh, so it's competitive, huh? So, that's
it.
Fred Allen, you you ought to be ashamed
of yourself coming in here and trying to
get my job away from me.
>> Well, gee, Jack, I had to do something.
I've eaten so much of that dog food,
they've written a song about me being in
a window.
>> Well, I still say you ought to be a
shady.
>> Well, I guess I am a heel, Jack. But
always remember, next to a to a heel,
you always find a good soul. And I'm
quoting from that famous poet Tom McC
after that awful joke. I shouldn't
forgive you, but I will cuz I know you
didn't mean it.
>> Well, okay, Fred. Now, listen. Let's
forget all about it. We'll go out and
have a cup of coffee.
>> Don't forget to send for me, Mr.
>> I thought they'd never leave.
Mr. Lewis, now that they've gone, let's
talk business. What do you want with
Fred Allen? What do you want with Jack
Benny? WITH ME? YOU GOT A YOUNG MAN WHO
CAN SING, WHO CAN DANCE, WHO CLAPS HIS
HANDS, ROLLS HIS EYES, AND I'M SO
FRIENDLY. MR. LEWIS, YOU'D NEVER regret
Well, Jack will be back in just a
moment, but first a word from Dorothy
Collins.
Very much. Thank you very much, ladies
and gentlemen. Naturally, we were only
kidding about my sponsor not picking up
my option because I am signed with the
American Tobacco Company until I am 40.
They didn't know what they were getting
into.
Oh, Fred. Fred Allen, come on out here,
will you, Fred?
>> Fred, it's really been nice having you
on the show, and you were wonderful.
>> Well, Jack, you won't believe this, but
I tried to louse the whole thing up. I
believe it. I believe it. But
>> Fred, let me ask you. Is there any truth
that about eating the dog food?
>> Oh, yes. Three times a day, I have.
>> Well, doesn't it upset your stomach?
>> Well, no. It doesn't bother my stomach,
Jag. But eating out of the bowl is hot
on my knees.
I see.
Eddie. Eddie Tanner. Come on out.
Eddie,
I want to tell you it was just wonderful
you to come in here just to do this one
little bit on the show.
>> Jack, I want to tell you it was my
pleasure.
>> No, no, no, no. Eddie, it was my
pleasure.
>> Believe me, Jack, it was my pleasure.
>> Eddie, ladies,
>> believe me, it's my pleasure.
>> Ladies and gentlemen, this shows you
what happens when two straight men get
together.
>> What' you say, PTO? What?
>> Come on, give me my red hot and let me
get out of here.
No, listen. I'll tell you what. You
fellas have been such good sports. I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going
to invite you both to my house to dinner
tonight, and I want you to bring your
wives.
>> Oh, that's nice.
>> Jack. Jack, I've never been to your
house. How do you get there?
>> Oh, that's right. Well, look at You go
two blocks.
>> You're covering me.
>> You go, Eddie. Uh, Fred, you're Eddie.
>> My name is Sam.
>> Fred.
This is phen.
You go two, you want to know how to get
to my house now? You go two blocks to
your right till you come to the
California Bank. Then you go four blocks
to your left till you come to the Bank
of America. You see? Then seven more
blocks to the right till you come to the
Citizens National Bank. You see? Then
you keep going.