from television city in Hollywood the
Jack Benny program with a special guest
Fred Allen
thank you very very much ladies and
gentlemen and welcome to the Lucky
Strike program now on our show tonight
we owe in in case you're wondering about
these you know my producer insisted that
I wear glasses when I first come out
cause he said it wouldn't hurt if people
thought I was mr. peepers
and he had another idea - about my
standing he made the suggestion you know
that I stand in the center of the stage
you see and then sometime during the
performance a big two-ton block of
cement pour should fall down and hit me
on the head see he felt that this would
appeal to the people who watched you
asked for it
thousands of requests you know but on my
show tonight ladies and gentlemen as you
probably know my guest star is fred
allen and a lot of people think of
course because of this cue that's been
going on for so many years that Fred and
I are enemies that we hate each other
and this isn't true at all because Fred
Allen and I are the the best of friends
maybe I'm overdoing it I mean just a
little bit i I wouldn't say that we were
the best of friends you know I would
just say that we say that we're friends
you know just friends friends might not
be the exact word that I'm trying to say
what I mean is that we're more more well
I don't know maybe we do hate each other
I know I can't stand him
you know I remember a few years ago I
must tell you this when Fred Allen first
came out here to Los Angeles to
Hollywood to make a picture you see he
made a picture call it's in the bag and
the producer of this picture wanted me
to play a small part in for nothing you
know I didn't get paid or anything and
he he talked me into it by telling me
that this picture would be made in
Technicolor so I was kind of anxious to
see how I'd look you know my eyes and
everything so he told me this would be
made in Technicolor but the minute we
started to shoot the picture we found
out that we couldn't do it in
Technicolor at all they had to make it
in black and white because due to a
peculiar pigment
in Fred Allen skin the photographs
Argyle
remember twice in the dressing room I
put my foot in his mouth
but what a character that credit what a
face on Fred Allen with those bags under
his eyes he looks like a short butcher
peeping over two pounds of liver but
anyway tonight after our television show
the one we're doing now I'm flying to
San Francisco because I'm opening
tomorrow night at the current filter for
three weeks and playing a theater for
three weeks and the reason I'm so
excited is because this you know the
very first time I ever appeared in
public was in San Francisco I remember I
played my violin you see and this was
all years ago I forget just where I know
it was right in the shopping center of
San Francisco I think was on the corner
of of market and Taylor then I
understand there's a theater there not
but anyway when I was playing that's the
number of my event I sorry Phil will you
bring the boom in a little closer we can
get the extra Cena right behind you good
what a trouble I mean what's wrong or
you won't have to go over your monologue
anymore that's fine mr. Benedict mine's
just right - excuse me man toes with
your custody outside come back later
I mean you mean I don't have to rehearse
any long or not well if I don't have to
rehearse the monologue maybe I can
rehearse the sketch that I'm to do with
Fred Allen oh no no we can't go over
that either because mr. Allen hasn't
arrived for rehearsal how do you like
that I I give a guy a job because I'm
sorry for him I pay his bus fare all the
way to the door
doesn't show up at rehearsal well as
long as we stop with my girl break for
lunch lunch everybody like through
online lunch everybody
Rochester we're breaking
how's everything got everything just
fine fine whatever
no wait on the customers first Amity yes
very very good that's it see if the
orchestra want something to Renly you
want a sandwich
don't forget to change like I want to
ask you something why why do you put so
much ketchup on the sandwich
well that was an idea Micah drum up more
business well how would catch him give
us more business lot they didn't so it
dripped on his shirts we might get to do
their laundry too that's a good idea
Benny had more cheese and I had my lunch
time I just wanted to tell you that as
long as mr. Allen is not spices longer
Allen isn't here we might as well skip
the dialogue rehearsal when we got a lot
of work to do with the lights anyway so
we won't need you for probably two hours
that's two hours
Rochester looking I had an appointment
with my sponsored four o'clock now we're
breaking for two hours I'll be late well
possibly you don't have to do anything
with two hours why don't you go see your
sponsor now hey maybe I'll do that you
know this is the day that he picks up my
my option for next year of yours nothing
to worry about Rochester you know it's
just a formality that's all you know he
just wants to be sure that he's got me
you know for next year so I'll run along
as him you sell all the sandwiches and
everything huh oh yeah oh by the way
Rochester while you're selling the
sandwich give them a sort of a floor
show you know what I mean sing and dance
or something and that way we can get the
cover charge too you know
go sleep man see mr. bass Exynos who
always gotta pay the money may be really
funny but without love sighs I don't
know tomorrow
mathé travel in sorrow but without the
route sharing alone impulse also ever
maybe the sky Oh long as we're together
does matter though
oh don't throw parties
we'll be back what we started he'll felt
alive in all sorts of weather don't
matter
the ball black cloud
oh we love singing the song
hello the American tobacco company I'm
sorry but mr. Lewis can't be disturbed
right now
however I'd be very happy to take a
message yes yes mm-hmm
uh-huh yes yes sir I'll see that he gets
it
yes sir my name is mr. Lewis the dolphin
oh yes he asked me to take the
information yes yes mm-hmm aha yes yes I
got it thank you
yes sir my name is off it yeah oh yeah
well I think so dr. bob utley hello my
name is Jack Benny I like to speak to
mr. Lewis please I'm sorry mr. Benny but
mr. Lewis can't be disturbed right now
can he call you back
call me back yes are you at home in Palm
Springs I'm in Stockholm more gisborne 8
3 2 1
look miss I've been crying over to Benny
I'm terribly sorry all right
I I have an appointment with mr. Lewis
could I see it
I'm sorry mr. Benny but mr. Lewis has
someone in his office right now
he left orders not to be disturbed you
mind waiting no no no no yes well I have
until we call you back please thank you
see mr. Lewis is picking up my option
today that's nice you know I've been
with the American tobacco company now
for 10 years and they're very very happy
with me that's nice
then why shouldn't they be is the i'm
i'm acknowledged to be one of the
greatest comedians excuse me yeah hopi
doesn't keep me waiting too long i want
to miss my rehearsal as i was saying mr.
Lewis
as I was saying mr. Lewis it isn't that
I want mr. Benny's job you understand
it's just that the time has come to have
you put him out to pasture pretty
multipass sir yes for 30 years Benny has
been milking the same jokes to an
audience that is not contented think it
over mr. Lewis
I don't know taking a man like Jack
penny and putting him out to pasture you
think it'll work
why of course look if Benny can spend
the last years of his life around
anything green he'll go for it
take my advice mr. Lewis let him go
I'll take the show over and finish the
season for you know I can't let Jack go
like that
besides we've given him a contract mr.
Lewis you are a shrewd businessman I
know that somewhere nestled down in that
legal document that there must be a
tobacco pickin clause Trevin why don't
you sit down sit down have you ever
written 3,200 miles on a bus
if the Sun feels like I do right now it
will never set again
well try that chair it's very
comfortable
no before I make a change I have to be
sure it was one for the better now tell
me have you any television experience
nobody has even the voice of experience
has no television experience but I have
studied the medium thoroughly mr. Lewis
and I see television as a small screen
and every performer must confine himself
to a to a small area in that in the
screen you understand and I've been
training for that I am ready for
television because I have been
rehearsing inside of a Bendix washing
machine inside appendix washing machine
yes sir and to make a popular slogan
even more popular now the tides in let's
let Benny out mr. Allen may I ask you a
personal question
why of course you see I I've seen you on
an occasional guest appearance yeah now
does that give you enough money to live
on
Oh hardly I would say but I have a
unique talent mr. Lewis that affords me
a steady employment I might say that is
three days a week that's wonderful what
do you do I'm a taster for dr. Ross dog
food
Tugg food i'm the phyto who knows better
my name is known in every kennel from
coast to coast mr. Lewis they call me
the canine Duncan hi a dog food taster
that is unique well it's a talent that I
acquired during a dull season of layoffs
in New York some years ago they would
say things were bad and I knew a talking
dog and he invited me over to dinner one
night and I know mr. Ellen now as
regards the Lucky Strike program I've no
doubt that you're very well qualified
but I must face the facts that in Penny
we have a double asset you see he's not
only a comedian but he also plays a
musical instrument plays aren't we using
the word rather loosely mr. Wrather let
us say mr. Benny has an instrument but
if it's music you want mr. Lewis I have
come here prepared sir I don't know
you're you sure you like music oh love
me but you won't know your office from
Carnegie Hall in just two seconds here
now you prepared
well there you are mr. Lewis you have
all of my qualifications now if you will
guarantee to drop pennies option and
make me the star of the show I will not
only do a better job for Lucky Strike
but I will give you a program with no
loose ends you said no lose in the
secret words the secret word secret
words and the hundred dollars is yours
say this Groucho know about this try to
install it for me why tell me when to
when do I start to work mr. Lewis well
I've been a grateful for your offer mr.
Allen but you must give me a few days to
think it over
yep you see I have an appointment with
mr. penny regarding his option but I'll
do my best to stall him off well that's
certainly fair enough and I tell you if
you should decide to favor me will you
please call me before 9 o'clock in the
morning it's so embarrassing being
pulled out of line down at the
unemployment up Louis requirements
rarely been apply thank you for coming
what's the matter mr. Allen it's Benny
he's outside that he can't see me in
here I'll hide in the clown ah'd in that
closet they're going that one there well
what's the one over say I may be in here
for some time him you were have you got
a light force are ready to work for the
company I'm smoking two cigarettes
already there we are good yes I am miss
Rockford you may send mr. Benny in now
yes mr. Morrisey Oh mr. Benny you may go
in now
oh thank you thank you very much Wow ha
ha mr. Lewis yeah yeah um since I'm
thank you thank you thank you very much
Yoshii lewis i you know i learn we get
the very first year that I ever worked
for you you know when action time came
along I was a nervous wreck but now I
don't know it's just a formality this is
bother me at all I just come in you sign
the contract and that's that is it it's
been a wonderful association yes it has
been bill Oh Ben yeah yes it has it's a
and I'm fully convinced that it will
continue to be to be
and a lot of fun working for you mr.
Lewis and you've been a wonderful
sponsor and after all where else can you
find a comedian as funny as I am
now mr. Lewis I mean still I don't think
I have the options you want to design
the day oh the OPM's
Gargan or less Randy what is my first
one
I'm bursting one I'm not a hit parade
hit parade am southern advance others up
to Robin Montgomery Robert my tumbler
you'll see these are putting the mail so
they can accomplish my where's mine yeah
well I know we're currently I look at my
option my option look and I came up here
to sign an option I think I mean let's
get this over with mr. Lewis let's have
no loose ends
mr. Lewis I said let's have no loose and
okay what are you looking for you know
what I'm looking for Groucho told me
where where's my contract I came up here
to sign a contract I leave my desk alone
one thing but it should be in mr. Lewis
what is my contract doing in the
waistband it must have blown off my desk
if you're in the window when there's a
strong wind from the Northeast
that's funny last year was from the
southwest look at mr. mr. mr. Lewis now
why beat around the bush
I mean everything we say here is where
pride were to him here alone I mean
there's nobody else in here but us
eject regretting your option why I mean
regarding your option yes yes I must
have a little time to think it over
but I can't understand why you're
hesitating mr. Lewis I mean I don't know
something tells me that you must have
someone else in mind and I don't know I
I don't know why you you keep doing that
to me after all I I've been with the
American tobacco company for a long time
and I'm not as young as I used to be
that's true you were 39 when you joined
us that's right well I've done a great
job all these years mr. Lewis for the
American tobacco company
I don't know I I've worked hard we've
had wonderful shows and I I've sold a
product and twice I III let you exercise
the the tobacco picking clause we didn't
exercise it you held us to it
well I still can't understand why you're
doing that there's some reason why your
stall check you're taking the wrong
attitude I haven't come to any decision
about dropping your option it's just
that I but I I want I want to think it
over for a while just for say four or
five days well alright out I'll wait
for four or five days yeah that's right
Decker where can I get in touch with you
I'll just call your secretary I'll be
sitting in the outer office
don't forget ow no forget our dear take
like the wrong
brett-brett out what are you doing in
that closet believe it or not I'm
playing post office post office kiss me
but mr. Lewis there's something fishy
going on here and I'm going to get to
the bottom of this what spread Allen
been telling you Jack there's no need to
get excited you know the entertainment
business is very competitive
oh so it's competitive so that's it that
out on you
you ought to be ashamed to yourself
coming in here and trying to get my job
away from but gee Jack I had to do
something I've eaten so much of that dog
food they've written a song about me
being in a window
well I still say you ought to be ashamed
well I guess I am a heel jack
but always remember next to her to a
heel you always find a good soul and I'm
quoting from that famous poet Tom
McCarron that awful joke I shouldn't
forgive you but I will cuz I know you
didn't mean oh well okay friend now
let's let's forget all about it
well go out and have a cup of that don't
forget to send for me I thought they'd
never leave
mr. Lewis now that they've gone let's
talk business
what do you want with Fred Alan what do
you want with Jack Benny with me you've
got a young man who can see who can
dance who hand throws his eyes and
I'm so friendly mr. Lewis never
we'll be back in just a moment first
order Dorothea Collins thank you very
much they'll naturally we were only
kidding about my sponsor not picking up
my option because I am signed with the
American tobacco company until I am 40
they didn't know what they were getting
in Oh Fred Fred Alan come on out here
that has really been nice having you on
the show and you were wondering well
Jack you won't believe this but I tried
to lauch the whole thing up
I believe Fred let me ask him is there a
truth that about eating the dog food
oh yes three times a day I have to do it
well isn't it upset your stomach
well no it doesn't bother my stomach
Jack but eating out of the bowl is hard
on my knee
I see
but Eddie Eddie Tanner come on
that is I want to tell you it was just
wonderful here to come in here just to
do this one little bit on the show Jack
I want to tell you it was my pleasure
no no Eddie was my pleasure believe me
Jack it was my pleasure D lady believe
me it's my ladies and gentlemen this
shows you what happens when two straight
men get together would you say fight oh
but give me my red-hot
no listen I'll tell you what you fellas
have been such good sports I'll tell you
what I'm going to do I'm going to invite
you both to my house to dinner tonight
and I want you to bring your wife
oh nice one Jack I've never been to your
house how do you get there oh that's
right at bulaga you go to blah you're
covering me Oh
you go Eddie let I have a Fred you're as
my name is sang other drag this is vital
look at look at you go to run on how to
get to my house yeah you go two blocks
to your right until you come to the
California Bank I'm saying bang then you
go four blocks to your left and you come
to the bank of America Bank as they then
seven more blocks to the right till you
come to the Citizens National Bank you
see then you keep going