0:00: The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste better. 
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 1:49: Hey The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the Sportsman Quartet, and yours truly. 
 2:25: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another television program, but in the meantime, let's go back to this morning in Beverly Hills as we look in on the Benny household, we find Jack just entering the kitchen. 
 2:40: Hm, Rochester must have overslept again. 
 2:44: I'll go wake him up and have him fix my breakfast. 
 2:47: I don't know why it is, but every time I give him a day off, the next morning, he oversleeps. 
 2:53: It's the 2nd time it's happened this year. 
 3:03: Oh, well, I might as well let him sleep and fix breakfast myself. 
 3:07: Now let's see, where does Rochester keep the coffee? 
 3:11: I'll try this cupboard here. 
 3:15: No, it's filled with ideal dog food. 
 3:19: I'll try this one. 
 3:22: No, this one's filled with ideal dog food too. 
 3:26: Maybe it's in this cupboard. 
 3:29: Hm. 
 3:30: Or ideal dog food. 
 3:33: There's no doubt about it. 
 3:35: I'll either have to get a dog or stop mentioning that stuff on my program. 
 3:46: Well, I can't find the coffee. 
 3:48: I'll just have to wake Rochester. 
 3:59: Rochester, it's time to get up. 
 4:05: Rochester, Roger. 
 4:13: I'll take this feather duster and tickle his chin. 
 4:19: Honey, you sure got long eyelashes. 
 4:30: Rochester, get out. 
 4:32: Oh, it's you, Mr. 
 4:36: Ben. 
 4:36: Yes, it's me, honey, and I want my breakfast. 
 4:41: I'll get it. 
 4:44: Gosh, boss, I'm sorry you woke me up when you did. 
 4:46: I was having the most wonderful dream. 
 4:49: I know you were dreaming about a girl. 
 4:51: Yeah, we were going to get married and you offered me a $50 raise. 
 4:56: I offered you a $50 raise. 
 4:58: huh, and just as you were giving it to me, you woke me up. 
 5:03: Oh, that's the 3rd time it's happened. 
 5:06: I know, I know. 
 5:06: You told me once I dreamed you were cutting my salary and you let me sleep till 4 in the afternoon. 
 5:17: Just a coincidence. 
 5:18: Anyway, I, I'll answer the door, Roger, you get dressed to make my breakfast. 
 5:22: Yes. 
 5:26: Hello, Polly. 
 5:36: Oh, you're still sulking, huh, Polly? 
 5:42: Coming, coming. 
 5:46: Hello Jack. 
 5:48: Oh Mary, come on in. 
 5:50: I was just talking to your neighbors, the Colemans. 
 5:53: Oh, Ronnie and Bonita, yes, I passed their house. 
 5:56: Bonita was sweeping the porch and Ronnie was cleaning the windows. 
 5:59: Bonita and Ronnie were doing their own housework. 
 6:02: Yes, they told me their butler quit. 
 6:05: Their butler quit. 
 6:06: Why? 
 6:06: They said they have to live next to you. 
 6:08: He doesn't. 
 6:13: He'll be back. 
 6:14: He's run away before, you know. 
 6:17: Oh hello Polly. 
 6:22: Come on, Polly. 
 6:25: Be. 
 6:29: Jack, what have you been feeding this bird? 
 6:44: It wasn't my fault. 
 6:45: She happened to find a can opener. 
 6:49: What? 
 6:49: Nothing, nothing. 
 6:51: Come in. 
 6:54: Oh hello, Dennis. 
 6:55: Oh, Mr. 
 6:55: Benny. 
 6:56: Hello Mary. 
 6:56: Hi Dennis. 
 6:57: What are you doing around here? 
 6:59: Oh, I'm thinking of moving. 
 7:00: I've been looking at houses all day. 
 7:02: Oh, you want to buy a house? 
 7:03: Yeah. 
 7:04: How much would you take for this one? 
 7:06: Oh, don't be silly, Dennis. 
 7:08: My house isn't for sale. 
 7:09: I know, but if it were for sale, how much would you take? 
 7:13: Well, Hey, let me see. 
 7:17: It's in the best part of Beverly Hills, and I have 1 acre of land. 
 7:22: 12 rooms, swimming pool. 
 7:25: Oh, I'd ask about $100,000. 
 7:28: I wouldn't have this dump if you gave it to me. 
 7:38: Look, Dennis, I don't want any trouble with you. 
 7:41: You asked me how much my house is worth. 
 7:43: I told you $100,000. 
 7:45: Does the price include the Venetian blinds? 
 7:48: Also the drapes and the carpets. 
 7:50: Anyway, Dennis, what's wrong with the house you're living in now? 
 7:53: You just moved in. 
 7:54: I know, but it's too inconvenient. 
 7:56: Inconvenience. 
 7:57: Yeah, in order to get to the bedroom, you have to go through the furnace. 
 8:04: Well, that I don't understand at all. 
 8:08: Dennis, what kind of a house are you looking for? 
 8:12: Oh, sort of a ranch house, you know, everything on one floor. 
 8:15: How many rooms? 
 8:16: Well, I'd like 2 bedrooms, a den, a living room, and a kitchen. 
 8:19: How about a bath? 
 8:20: No thanks, I had one this morning. 
 8:25: Why do I always get trapped into these? 
 8:29: Mary talks to him. 
 8:30: She gets a sensible answer. 
 8:32: I ask a sensible question. 
 8:34: What do I get? 
 8:34: Abbott and Costello. 
 8:37: Dennis, let me hear the song you're going to do on this week's program. 
 8:40: Yes sir. 
 9:00: are from I first saw My heart has been yearning for you. 
 9:29: Lady. 
 9:37: Why should my that my eyes are are I My heart for you Oh. 
 10:34: I. 
 10:41: that Sorry Very good, Dennis. 
 11:13: I know it's going to sound beautiful when you sing it on the show. 
 11:16: Don't be so sure. 
 11:18: Why not? 
 11:20: I'm having my tonsils out tonight. 
 11:24: Tonight, Dennis, are your tonsils infected? 
 11:27: No. 
 11:29: Well, has your throat been sore? 
 11:31: No. 
 11:33: Have you been catching colds? 
 11:34: No. 
 11:36: So why are you having your tonsils out? 
 11:38: A doctor friend of mine is coming over, and I don't know how else to entertain him. 
 11:49: Last time you took out my appendix. 
 11:52: If he keeps coming over, there won't be anything left. 
 12:00: Dennis, I've got to go look for a house now. 
 12:02: Goodbye, Mary. 
 12:03: Bye. 
 12:03: Goodbye, Mr. 
 12:04: Benny. 
 12:04: Goodbye, Dennis. 
 12:06: I've got to be running along too. 
 12:08: I'll see you tomorrow. 
 12:09: OK, goodbye, Mary. 
 12:10: Bye. 
 12:16: Hello. 
 12:17: Hi, Jack. 
 12:18: Who's this? 
 12:19: Bob Crosby. 
 12:19: Oh, hello Bob. 
 12:20: I didn't recognize your voice. 
 12:22: What is it? 
 12:23: Well, I'm having a few of the boys over for a friendly game of poker tonight, and I thought maybe you'd like to join us. 
 12:28: Well, what stakes do you play for? 
 12:31: 5 and 10. 
 12:33: 5 and 10. 
 12:35: All right, that's a, that's a little too steep for me. 
 12:39: Oh, no, no, Jack, not 5 and $10.05 and 10 cents. 
 12:42: Well, that's what I thought you meant. 
 12:53: Well, Bob, who's going to be in the game? 
 12:55: Well, just some of the musicians, Jack. 
 12:57: We've got Bagby, Fletcher, Remley, Sammy the drummer, Kimmick, and Arturo Toscanini. 
 13:06: Arturo Toscanini, do you mean, oh no, this is another one. 
 13:10: He slaps a bass for Wingie Minogue. 
 13:23: Oh, it confuses everybody. 
 13:27: Well, I should imagine, huh? 
 13:29: Well, how about it, Jack? 
 13:30: Could you come on overnight? 
 13:31: Well, I don't know, Bob. 
 13:32: I might drop around for some laughs. 
 13:34: That's swell. 
 13:35: We'll be playing out by the pool. 
 13:37: We'll all be in our swimming trunks. 
 13:39: Wait a minute, Bob, won't the boys be cold and nothing but trunks? 
 13:41: Yeah, but they won't play cards with each other wearing anything that has pockets or sleeves. 
 13:52: Well, Bob, maybe I'll drop over even if it's just for a laugh. 
 13:56: OK, I'll see you later. 
 13:57: Bye. 
 13:57: The long, Bob. 
 13:58: Oh, say Jack, what goes with Dennis Day? 
 14:01: What do you mean? 
 14:02: Well, he was over to see me last night. 
 14:04: He wants to buy my house. 
 14:06: Did he offer you a good price? 
 14:07: Yeah, but I turned it down. 
 14:09: Why? 
 14:09: Well, he wanted me to include my Venetian blinds, drapes, and children. 
 14:21: What a kid. 
 14:22: So, Bob. 
 14:23: Hi Jack. 
 14:24: That kid Dennis will drive everybody crazy till he finds a house. 
 14:28: Hey boss, I've got your breakfast ready. 
 14:30: Bring it in the den. 
 14:31: I might sit around for a while and read, OK. 
 14:37: I'll get to Rochester. 
 14:39: Everybody's calling today. 
 14:40: I wonder who it can be. 
 14:42: Hello, hello. 
 14:53: Mr. 
 14:54: Bennet, guess who is he? 
 15:00: Now let's see, Sir Cedric Hardwick. 
 15:06: Yes. 
 15:09: Barry Fitzgerald, you're getting close. 
 15:13: I'm getting close. 
 15:14: Well, who is it? 
 15:15: Mr. 
 15:15: Mr. 
 15:17: How come you said I was close when I said Barry Fitzgerald? 
 15:19: He lives next door to me. 
 15:23: Well, it's nice of you to call Mr. 
 15:25: Kissel. 
 15:25: How are you? 
 15:26: Currently I'm out of danger. 
 15:29: Out of danger. 
 15:29: What was wrong? 
 15:30: Nobody told you. 
 15:38: my rheumatism started acting up. 
 15:45: Then I contracted a sciatica condition which had an adverse effect on my varicose veins. 
 15:52: And simultaneously you hear I suffered from a streptococcal throat. 
 16:09: Well, I'm I'm sorry to hear that. 
 16:15: Blue Cross. 
 16:19: I can imagine Mr. 
 16:21: Ben, the reason I called is my brother-in-law Bie is visiting me, and I wondered if you could get him tickets to your television show for your brother-in-law. 
 16:32: Yes, I believe I can. 
 16:33: Can you also get him tickets for Denny Thomas, Boy and Ellen, Groucho Marx, Amos? 
 16:40: Let me see who else Mr. 
 16:43: Kissel, you're certainly nice to your brother-in-law. 
 16:45: It's a pleasure to get him out of the house. 
 16:50: Oh, also, could you get him tickets to Jackie Gleason's show, but back to New York. 
 16:57: Bless you. 
 17:10: I'll see what I can do, Mr. 
 17:12: Kitzel. 
 17:12: Goodbye. 
 17:13: Goodbye, Mr. 
 17:14: Benny. 
 17:28: I don't know. 
 17:29: These days with radio and television, I haven't been reading very much. 
 17:34: A lot of good books here too. 
 17:37: The High and the Mighty by Ernest Ganns. 
 17:41: Look Who's Abroad Now by Earl Wilson. 
 17:45: I read them both. 
 17:45: They're good books. 
 17:47: Let's see what else the sea around us, Battle cry. 
 17:53: Here's a copy of the theory of relativity by Albert Einstein. 
 17:57: Oh, I read that. 
 17:59: I remember it had 496 pages. 
 18:02: Those numbers were the only thing I understood. 
 18:09: a book I haven't read, The Purple Pirate. 
 18:12: Gee, that ought to be good. 
 18:13: So many pirate pictures out now. 
 18:16: I think I'll read this one. 
 18:19: The Purple Pirate Chapter one. 
 18:39: Yes, I am a pirate. 
 18:42: My name is Captain Morgan. 
 18:43: As my story opens, we had been at sea almost a year. 
 18:47: My ship had just captured a rich prize, a schooner homeward bound from the Orient and laden with cargo. 
 18:54: We transferred our cargo to our hold, and the crew lined the rail and watched as we prepared to send the captured vessel to the bottom. 
 19:04: All right, gunners, we're going to sink her higher. 
 19:17: She's sinking fast, Captain. 
 19:19: Good. 
 19:19: Tell me, Red Robert, did we get much booty? 
 19:22: It's a rich haul, Captain. 
 19:23: 100 bolts of silt, 50 barrels of rare spices, 10 sacks filled with gold, and 4 cases of ideal dog food. 
 19:36: Fine, my supply was running low. 
 19:40: There's all the loot, sir. 
 19:41: We found a small sack of diamonds, some rubies, and best of all, a woman's dress. 
 19:46: A woman's dress. 
 19:47: What's so wonderful about that? 
 19:48: Oh, you ought to see what's in it. 
 19:51: You mean we've captured a woman? 
 19:52: Yes sir, and we also captured the captain of that ship. 
 19:55: Good. 
 19:56: Bring him to me. 
 19:56: Aye aye sir. 
 19:58: In a few minutes, both the captain and the girl were standing before me. 
 20:02: I looked them over very carefully for a long time. 
 20:05: Finally I spoke. 
 20:07: Which one of you is the captain? 
 20:15: He is, of course. 
 20:17: There was no doubt about it. 
 20:18: I'd been away from land too long. 
 20:28: As I stood there, the schooner's gruff captain turned to me and spoke, Are you the captain of these pirates? 
 20:36: Are you responsible for blowing my ship to bits? 
 20:39: Yes. 
 20:40: Did you make some of my men walk the plank? 
 20:42: Yes. 
 20:43: Did you hang all the rest of them? 
 20:45: Yes. 
 20:46: Do you think that was nice? 
 20:52: No. 
 20:57: I I sent him below, then I turned my attention to the girls. 
 21:02: She was wearing a tight skirt, a yellow sweater, and a large button that said, I like Louis the 14th. 
 21:19: And she stood before me. 
 21:25: Remembered the superstition of the sea. 
 21:28: A woman aboard a pirate ship is an omen of bad luck. 
 21:32: I was in a predicament. 
 21:33: Should I keep her aboard and risk mutiny or make her walk the plank? 
 21:37: I decided to flip a coin. 
 21:40: Heads she stays, tails, she walks the plank. 
 21:57: Ha. 
 22:07: The crew was so happy over the rich prize we had captured, they didn't mind a woman being aboard. 
 22:13: And that evening as we sailed the tropical sea beneath the full moon, they even gathered around the quarter deck and began to sink. 
 22:26: Over the bounding on any stormy wins aboard, Jack comes home again. 
 22:34: Over the bounding. 
 22:39: It's once again. 
 22:41: E. 
 22:42: All the sailors and Greek sailors in that seas find the back of your sink. 
 22:46: Every sailor man is hopping on a lucky, so there's nothing that'll be just a lucky when you're out at sea. 
 22:51: Lucky tights is mild, very tasty, that's true. 
 22:53: Lucky dikes is strong and it's fully packed to the tip that you will serve you're only yellow sas and the table. 
 23:00: Oh, it's salad, Ella, sala sala and that. 
 23:02: Elasala sala saladella. 
 23:10: Oh, it's. 
 23:19: Tell us up. 
 23:31: We continued scouring the sea and then our luck went bad. 
 23:35: We sighted no more ships. 
 23:36: Our supplies ran low. 
 23:38: The men were in a mutinous mood. 
 23:40: They became surly and refused to obey orders, and then suddenly. 
 23:46: We were attacked by the most ruthless of all French pirates, Denis Lafitte. 
 23:53: Red Robert, get the men to their battle station. 
 23:55: Aye aye, sir. 
 23:56: Bagby, Remley, Fletcher, Kimmick, man your guns. 
 24:01: It's no use, Captain. 
 24:02: It's no use. 
 24:04: The men are revolting. 
 24:07: Would you repeat that? 
 24:24: The men are revolting. 
 24:29: You've caught on to these guys already. 
 24:33: The battle went badly and we suffered heavy casualties. 
 24:37: Finally, to save lives, I decided to surrender. 
 24:40: I grabbed a white flag and started to wave it. 
 24:43: Hey, give me those back. 
 24:49: I'm sorry, miss, but this is no time to be doing your laundry. 
 24:56: We were taken prisoner and immediately locked in the dark hold of the ship. 
 25:01: For 3 days, we didn't see our cruel captor. 
 25:04: Dennis Lafitte didn't kill his prisoners by making them walk the plank. 
 25:08: Oh no, he was too cruel for that. 
 25:11: He would make you stick your head through a hole in the canvas while his crew lined up and threw baseballs at you. 
 25:18: This wasn't so bad, but the men behind you with those darts were murdered. 
 25:31: Finally, on the 4th day, he ordered me and the girl to be brought to him. 
 25:36: As we stood trembling before Lafitte, the terror of the seven seas, he said. 
 25:41: , you want the presence of the great rapid near you pigs. 
 25:59: Yes sir. 
 26:00: Good. 
 26:01: Now you kneel too. 
 26:02: Yes sir. 
 26:02: , how I love to play the leapfrog. 
 26:13: What are your plans for us, Lafitte? 
 26:15: For you, Mo, you have the choice of joining me or dying. 
 26:19: Well, I'll join you. 
 26:20: Do I still retain my rank as captain? 
 26:22: Captain, ha ha, you fool, you'll be my slave, a slave. 
 26:28: I'd rather die first. 
 26:29: You don't know us Englishmen very well. 
 26:32: All right? 
 26:32: You die. 
 26:33: What about the girl? 
 26:34: Are you going to kill her? 
 26:36: Ha ha. 
 26:37: You don't know us Frenchmen very well. 
 26:44: What I shall marry the girl and make her the pirate queen. 
 26:48: She will be my wife, my sweetheart, and now I kiss her. 
 26:52: She'd rather die first. 
 26:54: You keep out of this. 
 27:06: I was in a predicament. 
 27:08: Either I became Lafitte's slave or I walked the plank. 
 27:13: I didn't know what I didn't know what. 
 27:21: There's the door, bu, right in the most interesting part. 
 27:25: I can't even read a book around here, Rochester. 
 27:29: Oh, Donna Cumming, coming. 
 27:34: middle of a book. 
 27:36: Mr. 
 27:36: Benny, yes, I'm from Beacon's Van and Storage Company. 
 27:40: We've got 2 truckloads to unload here. 
 27:42: Furniture, no ideal dog food. 
 27:47: Swimming pool. 
 27:48: The garage is full. 
 27:59: Friends, every minute, day and night, a destructive fire starts, and in 9 out of 10 cases, most fires start because someone is careless. 
 28:08: Don't let that someone be you. 
 28:10: Be sure your electrical wiring is properly installed. 
 28:14: Put cigarettes and matches out before you discard them. 
 28:17: Be on guard constantly against fire. 
 28:19: Remember, only you can prevent fires. 
 28:29: Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program which goes on at 7 p.m. tonight over the CBS Television Network. 
 28:36: But first, here's a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. 
 28:44: If you want better taste from your cigarettes, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. 
 28:52: It's toasted to give. 
 28:58: Cigarettes, they taste fine. 
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 29:20: Lucky Strike is the brand who gets it's toasted to give you the best taste yet. 
 29:30: rest All you have to do is look at a pack of Lucky's friends, and you'll see the reasons for Lucky's better taste printed right on the pack. 
 29:39: LSMFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco. 
 29:45: Light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco, and it's toasted. 
 29:50: It's toasted to taste better. 
 29:53: It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's fine tobacco, bringing it to its peak of flavor, making it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. 
 30:05: So be happy, go lucky, make your next carton of cigarettes better tasting Lucky Strike. 
 30:14: If you want better from Lucky Strike is the brand to get. 
 30:22: It's toasted to give you the best taste yet. 
 30:27: fact. 
 30:33: Ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell you about my television show, but we're a little late, so tune in and watch it. 
 30:38: Good night, folks. 
 30:43: The Jack Lenn Show tonight was written by Milt Josseberg, John Tackerberry, Al Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. 
 30:52: The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.