the Jack Benny program
yes thank you very very much ladies and
gentlemen as you probably know this is
my first television show of the season
and I want everybody at home who's
watching the show to sort of sit back
and relax and take it easy because it's
a very simple show nothing to it you
know there's no commotion backstage at
all I mean nobody has worked hard that
is nobody but my makeup man he's
exhausted
if I had the makeup on my shoulders that
he put on my face I could play The
Hunchback of Notre Dame
but I would like to tell you something
of my plans for television this season
I'm going to have yes on my program some
for my radio show and then some very
very important guest stars from the
movies of course on my radio show you
see it's very difficult for me to get
guest stars because well I don't pay
much I mean there's no reason for it I
just don't believe in it you see but you
see in television it's entirely
different because a lot of people like
to come on and be seen now on my second
show which is about six weeks from now
oh I have I have some of the most
wonderful entertainers that you've ever
seen in your life I can't mention their
names right now because I haven't got
them their contract signed yet you see
but if you like trained seals don't
these these seals are simply wonderful
they've got one seal one of these
trained seals that does a trick he
balances a basketball on his nose you
know and keeps balancing it and twirling
it and bouncing it up and down he's
amazing
well I tell you this this seal is so
good with this basketball that he was
already offered $500 to throw the show
but on this show my guest on this show
our first you know I've been rehearsing
so much I get a little bit confused and
a whole boy oh yes I have the Park
Avenue hillbilly Dorothy Shea and Frank
Remley and Don Wilson
those are my three guests here and so
first i i'd like to introduce or i do i
got to tell you one joke a story as a
rule I don't tell jokes you know I just
talk you know but that's the joke that I
heard when I was playing at the
Palladium Theatre in London it's about
an actor who was standing in front of
the Palladium in London and a fellow
walked over to him and this actor was
very blue and very dejected and a friend
of his walked over to and he said I say
Derrick see most of the actors in London
are called Gary you know they have an
occasional bass or a Sydney or a sessile
but Derrick seems to be the popular name
there so one of the there's fellow
walked over this actor and he said to
him Derrick what's the matter with you
you look so blue so it's nothing said
well it must be something the matter
with you now what is it
so this actor said he said let me tell
you what happened
he said about three weeks ago an uncle
of mine died and left me ten thousand
pounds he says two weeks ago another
uncle of mine died and left me five
thousand pounds now last week
stage managers last week
I want to draw those travelers and bring
down my same area
thank you would you give this music to
mr. Marek play thank you
ladies and gentlemen a few weeks ago I
was on the Alan Young show on I sang a
song
the response was so wonderful and I'd
like to do an encore for you tonight if
you will mr. Merrick
sending you a big bouquet of roses
three times
and the door of love between poses
here's will fall like hell when we fall
I think you to be different but you'll
always be untrue
I'm tired of forgiving
you
so I'm sending you a big bouquet of
roses
one per every time you broke my home
a big bouquet of roses one for every
time you broke my heart
so this act
so this actor said last week my uncle
died and left me nothing that's the end
of the joke
of course the I mean the joke is
naturally a lot better when I can go
right through it instead of being
interrupted like Oh Bob Wow come here
Manor will you just before you leave I
happen to see that show that you did
with Alan young you know the one you
were just telling the folks about and I
thought you were wonderful I mean I
thought it was a great show I enjoyed it
but I mean why would you do your encore
my first television show I mean why
didn't you do it on his show or on your
own show and well Clark 15 and it really
wasn't my idea you see it was my brother
Everett's he handles all of my business
oh I mean your brother ever is your
agent that's right he represents me and
my brother Bing and also a trained seal
Nene handles trained seals well he has
one particular trained seal this one has
an act that is just wonderful he
balances a basketball on his nose it's
wonderful oh really
Everett says that some jerk is going to
use him on television
well somebody else is going to use them
I won't want them apart you say your
brother is an agent that's right against
10% of everything I earn
oh well it's an agent he would deserve
that well Jack thanks for the use of the
hole I've got to run home we have a new
baby at home oh yes for heaven's sake I
forgot all about that congratulations
well thank you that's just wonderful how
many children have you got now well this
makes my fifth five children and
wonderfully five more I'm gonna have to
give one to ever
that's right the hippie he gets 10% oh
yeah
pardon I've got to go with you Oh
well it's been wonderful thank you
you're welcome
big star no tip
and now ladies and gentlemen I'd like to
or before we go on with the show I must
tell you that tonight or tomorrow night
rather Mary and I are flying to New York
City because the Friars Club in New York
is giving me a testimonial dinner at the
Waldorf Astoria Hotel to commemorate my
20th year on the radio just imagine 20
years that I've been on
during those 20 years I've heard so many
people say you know at different times
I've heard people say gee I can't see
Benny at all well now they can
and now ladies and gentlemen I'd like to
present and hold on will
exactly I'm awfully sorry to be late but
my car broke down and I had to take a
taxi well that's all right Don I mean
accidents can happen is this I know but
I was supposed to be here to introduce
you at the very opening of the show and
I'm really awfully sorry at this
happened on it doesn't make any
difference the orchestra played love and
bloom I came on everybody applauded I
mean if it really doesn't matter Oh Jack
I have such a wonderful introduction for
you you did yeah what was it well this
being your opening television show of
the season I thought I might say and now
ladies and gentlemen it is with a great
deal of pride that I bring you the
greatest comedian in America Jack Benny
oh well now wait a minute wait now I'm
glad you were late I mean the greatest
comedian in America I mean how
egotistical can we get I mean you'd have
these people hating me before that the
show even started I mean they tuned out
their there their television sets the
greatest comedian in America well Jack
you are the greatest comedian in America
aren't you well yes but I mean
- those people would sound awful you
think you're not saying it I'm saying oh
oh well and that's different follow then
you can always introduce me like oh sure
I won't yes huh yeah yeah hey you got
out of my can such a hurry you forgot
your briefcase
Rojas you but I mean thank you thank you
very much see I have some very very
important papers in there thanks a great
deal and here's a little something for
your trouble
gee a $5 pill oh thanks a lot
well you're certainly welcome done five
dollars well I mean I can appreciate
your being grateful and everything but
but five dollars check there's nothing
so strange about that I once saw you
give a man five dollars well I know but
he was a lifeguard he saved me from
drowning yeah I'll never forget how we
dickered the third time that I was going
down
doc what we carried on it's really your
women
did you check funny yeah how do you like
that don't remember me no no I know
I'm Harry Gilmore you and me with the
Waukegan high school together
Waukegan high school yeah don't you
remember I was the one voted most likely
to succeed
oh really yeah my old cab oh well isn't
that nice yeah certainly
hey yeah what are you doing now
I'm the voice of button Bobby
they love that lousy pebble yeah
goodbye jack goodbye goodbye down
he's cute isn't he faster dude I so this
actor I told that and now ladies and
gentlemen it really gives me great
pleasure to present to you now the guest
star of my first show a young lady whose
voice you've heard many many times and
you've certainly heard a lot of her
records the Park Avenue hillbilly Miss
Dorothy shame
well you're you're a hillbilly show not
funny
well now I know we're all a feud and
impossible yeah I can't get over to so
you're a hillbilly yeah
well Jack I'm not just a hillbilly I'm
the Park Avenue hillbilly oh the Park
Avenue hillbilly
well you can park on my avenue any time
I thought it was a pretty good ad-lib
did you add there what's that well an
ad-lib is when you say something
impromptu you know without thinking just
something in the spur of the moment see
what I mean
no but I accept your apology well
Dorothy what do you want to sing for
your first number what's the name of the
song you want to sing well don't you
think we should discuss salary that's a
wonderful title thank you very much
well you can ahead your New York City
with its Hwange Park Avenue
you're gonna have your gilded mansions
in Westchester you can have your own
couple in Miami or Havana where the blue
cars congregate for the siesta
you can have your fancy penthouse on
some 42nd floor but I'll guarantee
wherever you may with the tinsel I miss
lane why those places can't compare with
a hormonal schmuck I call a my home
it's a little western town I'll never
make it to where people live a life
that's free from cane
no one struggle
all they ask is an even break they're
satisfied to just these middle-aged
every housewife is contented with her
loss and some of them don't even own our
young she may have just one swimming
pool one husband two Caressa she's bored
to death with Caroline
and diamonds just depressed though she'd
rather have some trinkets like that
Oscar on her dresser in that little
western town
little western town Beverly here you're
welcome as the flowers bloom in Maine
no one cares about your head or inquired
about your hands if you only have one
boxer that's all today
the children ring your Bell on Halloween
then beat it in a chauffeured limousine
each mother with her little spawn and
flustered to her care go gently rocking
cradle as she offers that someday here
be President
of metro-goldwyn-mayer
in that little western town Emily
Oh
thank you ever so much I thought you
folks might be interested in meeting
some of my kin Buddhists but with your
permission we'd like to take you down to
the Ozarks and meet my favorite cousin
Zeke Benny and his mad Mountain Boys
why
I want to thank you who I like to have
you meet some of the boys he would leave
the fellow over here with the concertina
that's charlie bank me he's the smart
one of the croupier hey Charlie how much
is two and two
he's our business manager
fella here with the clarinet is lame
Songer we're mighty proud of Wien last
week at the county fair he won first
prize at the fly attraction contest
wasn't even enter this is my wife
this is our boy
right this is Frankie Remley over here
Bramley's been associated with pill
Harris for about 20 years glad to see
you standing up
never took a guitar lesson in his life
just took it up accident he figured as
long as his hand was shaken anyway my
devoted guitar
he's a fella makes his laugh all the
time he's a car take something funny
braking
and I'll go now listen laughs I got a
bone to pick with you I don't like the
way you're speaking my daughter oh you
took her out last night well I brought
her by me
next number we're going to play a real
hot tune call fascinating rhythm take it
boy
thank you thank you very much Dorothy
for being my first guest I can't tell
you how much I appreciate it and Bob
thank you for butting in to the show I
have been four minutes short if you
happen thank you both
thanks loads come back again you were
just wonderful thank you
appearing on tonight's show where
Dorothy Shea Bob Crosby Mel Blanc of
Beverly Hillbillies Lynette Bryant and
yours truly Don Wilson