The Chase and Sanborn Hour – October 6, 1946 Starring: Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd, Anita Gordon, Ray Noble and His Orchestra, Pat Patrick, Ken Carpenter (Announcer), and Special Guest Jack Benny Sponsor: Chase and Sanborn Coffee [MUSIC: Opening theme] KEN CARPENTER (Announcer): The makers of Chase and Sanborn Coffee bring you the Charlie McCarthy Show! This is Ken Carpenter, ladies and gentlemen, greeting you on behalf of Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Ray Noble and his Orchestra, Anita Gordon, Mortimer Snerd, Pat Patrick, and our very special guest for this evening—Jack Benny! [MUSIC: Orchestra flourish] BERGEN: And here’s Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy. CHARLIE: Do do do do do... BERGEN: Charlie, you certainly seem to be in an unusually happy mood. CHARLIE: Oh, I am, Bergen. I’m looking at the world through a rose-colored monocle. BERGEN: Is that so? CHARLIE: If I diagnose the symptoms rightly... I’m in love again. BERGEN: Am I right? CHARLIE: Give the man ten silver dollars! BERGEN: I thought so. Now tell me—what’s her name? CHARLIE: Daisy... Daisy... BERGEN: That’s a pretty name. CHARLIE: And Maisie... Maisie... BERGEN: Well now, which one is it? CHARLIE: Brace yourself for this one, Bergen... it’s both. I’m in love with twins. BERGEN: Oh no. CHARLIE: Cupid gave me both barrels. BERGEN: Are they willing to share you? CHARLIE: McCarthy is better than none. BERGEN: But Charlie, two girls? Why two? CHARLIE: As I drive down the rocky road to romance, I like to carry a spare. BERGEN: I always did like crowds. BERGEN: But isn’t making love to two sisters apt to get you into trouble? CHARLIE: I’m very careful to tell them both the same lies. BERGEN: What do they look like? CHARLIE: Each other, of course. BERGEN: How do you tell them apart? CHARLIE: When one sits down and the other stands up, she seems to be a little taller. BERGEN: They must be very attractive. CHARLIE: Brother, they’re a couple of tomatoes packed solid. BERGEN: Isn’t that expensive? CHARLIE: They each get 50 cents a week allowance. BERGEN: I’m ashamed of you, letting them pay. CHARLIE: It’s perfectly proper—we’re engaged. BERGEN: Engaged? CHARLIE: Someday the minister will make us thirty. BERGEN: You can’t marry them both. CHARLIE: I told them all about you, Bergen, and they’re gonna marry me anyway. BERGEN: The law says a man can only have one wife. CHARLIE: I say they’re half-sisters. That adds up to one. BERGEN: You’ll have to choose one. CHARLIE: Never! BERGEN: I forbid you to see them. CHARLIE: OK, you win. I’ll pick Daisy. BERGEN: Why Daisy? CHARLIE: She’s got the bluest eyes... and the cutest girlfriend. [MUSIC: Orchestra plays “Under the Willow Tree”] KEN CARPENTER (Announcer): When I say coffee, you think Chase and Sanborn. When you taste Chase and Sanborn, that’s shade grown flavor. Shade grown is the word for that extra flavor Chase and Sanborn always gives you... [Commercial continues with vivid description of tropical coffee cultivation and benefits of shade-grown beans] [SFX: Carnival sounds] BERGEN: Hello, Mortimer. How do you find yourself these days? MORTIMER SNERD: I just start looking and pretty soon I turn up. BERGEN: Look at those bumps and bruises! MORTIMER: Thank you. BERGEN: You look positively atrocious. MORTIMER: You're looking right thirty years old. BERGEN: Do you feel like an aspirin? MORTIMER: I feel like Mortimer. BERGEN: What have you been up to? MORTIMER: More fun than you could shake a monkey at. BERGEN: You’ve been down at the carnival? MORTIMER: Yes. I was playing head ball. BERGEN: Head ball? MORTIMER: I stick my head through a canvas and they throw baseballs at it. BERGEN: Didn’t you dodge? MORTIMER: Is that what I’m supposed to do? BERGEN: That’s dangerous! MORTIMER: Okey-dokey. Keep off my head for a few days. BERGEN: Charlie rented you out to the carnival? MORTIMER: You bet. BERGEN: You’re so gullible. If Charlie told you black was white... MORTIMER: Well... which is it? BERGEN: Charlie, did I tell you Jack Benny might drop over tonight? CHARLIE: Should I wear a tobacco leaf over my ear? BERGEN: Promise me you’ll treat him with respect. CHARLIE: O King of Comedy, we bow to you in humble tribute. [SFX: Door opens] JACK BENNY: Thanks for the fruit basket, Edgar. I loved that apple—so round, so firm, so full of worms. CHARLIE: Seven cents refund! BERGEN: Just a tribute to a great artist. JACK BENNY: Words of praise take on luster from an artist of your magnitude. CHARLIE: Stand back, folks. This stuff is gonna splash. BERGEN: I’ve followed your career closely. JACK BENNY: I’ve watched your rise too. CHARLIE: They never did trust each other. BERGEN: I’m on my tenth year in radio. JACK BENNY: I’m starting my fifteenth. BERGEN: I’m younger than you. CHARLIE: When were you thirty-seven? BERGEN: Jack, you were late coming back on the air this fall. CHARLIE: We’ve been on a month already. JACK BENNY: They like to save the star until later. CHARLIE: Maybe it took a month for the sponsor to decide. BERGEN: When Jack is on the air, they sell more cigarettes. CHARLIE: You mean listeners go out to smoke? CHARLIE: Jack, you let your talent become stars in their own right. JACK BENNY: It’s nothing, Edgar. Really, it’s nothing. BERGEN: There’s no one on the Benny show greater than Jack Benny. JACK BENNY: I’ve always tried to keep it that way... and believe me, brother, it isn’t easy. [SFX: Anita Gordon enters] BERGEN: This is Anita Gordon, my little singing protégé. ANITA GORDON: Mr. Benny, I didn’t know you were so good looking. JACK BENNY: I’m not really good looking. I’m handsome, perhaps... CHARLIE: I bet you’d like to grab Anita for your show. JACK BENNY: I’ll be satisfied to grab her, Charlie. BERGEN: Anita, why don’t you sing a song for Mr. Benny? [MUSIC: Anita Gordon sings romantic ballad] JACK BENNY: Lovely, Anita. I’m proud of you. CHARLIE: Jack, that’s nice of you to say. JACK BENNY: Edgar, would you leave us alone? I’d like to talk to Charlie. BERGEN: Gladly. JACK BENNY: Charlie, you’ve been working for Bergen a long time. Ever feel like branching out? CHARLIE: Especially in the spring... when I get my feet wet. JACK BENNY: I mean a show of your own. I’ve done it for others—I can do it for you. CHARLIE: So that’s why you’ve come to me. JACK BENNY: When I back up, you hitch on. CHARLIE: Your proposition interests me. JACK BENNY: But first, one little favor you can do for me, Charlie—I want all my fans to know I'm back on the air. CHARLIE: Surely! What can I do, Mr. Benny? JACK BENNY: Well, when Bergen's not around, sneak this announcement in: “Sunday is fun day, we want you to know, because Benny is back on the radio.” CHARLIE: Hmm... I don't know, Mr. Benny. That’s not quite ethical. JACK BENNY: But it means a great deal to me. CHARLIE: How much—exactly? JACK BENNY: In dollars and cents... how about half a dollar? CHARLIE: Oh, that doesn't make sense. JACK BENNY: Alright, how about a dollar? CHARLIE: OK—in advance. JACK BENNY: Turn your back while I get it... let's see, where's my wallet... oh, here it is. CHARLIE: Thank you! I’ve never seen a Confederate dollar! JACK BENNY: Now if you could get Ray Noble to play some nice background music while you read it... CHARLIE: I’ll ask him. Oh Ray! Ray Charles, old boy! You know Benny, the famous comic? RAY NOBLE: Oh, not Bugs Bunny? CHARLIE: No, this is Jack Benny. He has Phil Harris on his program. RAY NOBLE: The guy who gets on your nerves? He gets on mine too. Phil is so dumb, he thinks an arpeggio is an Italian dish. CHARLIE: Everybody knows it’s Spanish! JACK BENNY: Is it true Phil leads his orchestra with a swizzle stick? RAY NOBLE: Yes, dear boy. JACK BENNY: Ray, I wish Phil were more like you. So intelligent—composed so many songs. RAY NOBLE: I’ve had absolutely nothing to work with but my two hands. JACK BENNY: Didn’t you compose “The Very Thought of You”? RAY NOBLE: Yes—and “Good Night, Sweetheart.” [SFX: Photographer enters] PHOTOGRAPHER: Mr. Benny, do you mind if I take a picture of your bugs? JACK BENNY: I suppose... PHOTOGRAPHER: It’ll be published with a big spread. CHARLIE: Is this a flashlight picture? PHOTOGRAPHER: No, I never use artificial liar. JACK BENNY: What do you do on cloudy days? PHOTOGRAPHER: I wear rubbers! PHOTOGRAPHER: Now Mr. Benny, cross your knees—yes, like that. Peachy! Pull up your trouser leg just a trifle... PHOTOGRAPHER: Watch your attitude—and your birdie too... Hold it… look into the camera— JACK BENNY: Ouch! You didn’t have to stick your nose in my shutter! PHOTOGRAPHER: Now I must run along to my developing lab. Where will this appear? Maybe “Who’s Who in Azer.” PHOTOGRAPHER: I also deliver telegrams—and I have one for Charles McCarthy. CHARLIE: Telegram? Wonder who could— JACK BENNY: Charlie! What about my announcement? CHARLIE: Yes sir! Here it comes… Ladies and gentlemen: “Sunday is fun—because Fred Allen is back on!” JACK BENNY: Fred Allen? CHARLIE: He paid me $2 to use his name. [COMMERCIAL: Chase and Sanborn reprise] KEN CARPENTER (Announcer): Fill your cup with more flavorful coffee easily today. Just ask for Chase and Sanborn—the coffee with shade grown flavor! KEN: Shade grown flavor fills a cup. No two ways about it. That's why Chase and Sanborn, a favorite for nearly 83 years, is more popular than ever! KEN: Ask for Chase and Sanborn—the coffee with shade grown flavor. KEN CARPENTER (Announcer): Tune in next Sunday when Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Ray Noble, Anita Gordon, Mortimer Snerd, and all of us welcome our guest, Lily Pons! KEN: This week when you're buying coffee, think of us and ask for Chase and Sanborn—coffee made to serve in times like these. KEN: Be sure to listen to the Fred Allen Show immediately following this program. KEN: Ken Carpenter speaking from Hollywood’s Radio City. [COMMERCIAL: Blue Bonnet Margarine] VOICEOVER: Flavor… nutrition… economy. Blue Bonnet margarine gives all three. VOICEOVER: Delicious flavor, fresh and country sweet. Proven nutrition—rich in energy and Vitamin A. And Blue Bonnet saves you real money. Spread it, love it! [MUSIC: Closing theme] KEN CARPENTER: Goodnight, everyone—from the Chase and Sanborn Hour!