the Jack Benny program starring Jack
Benny with Barry Livingston Phil Harris
Rochester Larry Stevens and yours truly
Don Wilson
and I'd like to speak to mr. Benny
please what are you talking about Jack
Benny an admiral are you surprised
surprise Roger sir I knew we were
winning but this is ridiculous
in the Nebraska oh I get it
he's an imaginary Admiral and an
imaginary Navy yeah seriously he made me
so gold stars on his blue suit
Oh for heaven's sake
Rochester how many strikes could you
make it so on I don't know but you cut
the sleeves off at the elbow knees still
they are full happy
goodbye
ever since the breasts are made mr.
penny and add Millie's been upstairs
working out fleet maneuvers I better
give him a wedding that bathtub before
he messes up the whole room Oh
Oh or to Rochester glad to have you
aboard
batten down the hatch and sit down
what do you want well I can't I can't
leave now I'm about to engage the enemy
now watch the enemy fleet is over here
quiet I swing my carriers around like
this
and bring my destroyers over to this
side and encircle them there you are
Rochester now if you were the enemy and
I had you surrounded like that what
would you do
don't be silly being an admiral the
Nebraska Navy is serious business and
anyway I'm proud of my appointment in
fact I'm sorry I didn't stay with it
when I was in the service 24 years ago
yes sir military life is the life for me
and those promotions our Rochester help
me take my fleet out of the bathtub oh
yes yes I better get ready
hey I just happen to think of something
I promise to take my girl Gladys the
bisque Oh
- I'll pick her up on the way - miss
Livingston
I hope Gladys and Mary are ready when I
pick him up
Gladys abisco I've been going with her
now for nine years yeah oh hello there
children
you know who I am don't you children I'm
Jack Donaghy yes we know you tells every
time you see yeah
oh yes our mother and father were
talking about you really yeah they
thought we were asleep oh I see they're
cute kid that little boy looks a lot
older than seven where are you going I'm
on my way down to the Express office
jack to pick up a set of encyclopedias a
set of encyclopedias yeah I've just got
to tell you Jack I sent in two questions
to a quiz program a boy that I stumped
those experts
I like Don Wilson in a slide commercial
when he tricked me into keeping my job
sometimes the time that I'm down
sometimes around that I've found them
you have better things slower I can't
walk that fast
oh darn it I meant to call Larry Stephen
before I left the house and find out
what he was gonna sing on the program
this evening when I talked to Phil he
told me about the arrangement I remember
he said they were they were gonna use a
harp and for violins I remember he said
that too
that's gonna be kind of nice it was a
harp in the background and the violins
playing the soft melody yep that ought
to be a beautiful number
someone was always in my dreams that
someone was always you I never thought
we'd meet someday
just one more
oh my
you
Oh
yep I bet that'll be beautiful have some
em huh oh oh you missed occur how's the
newspapers Oh fine fine they always seem
to run into you on the street well I was
just going over to your house to thank
you for those stories you gave me oh you
mean how I found Mary Livingston
mm-hm and how you found Rochester well
I'm glad you like you know those first
two articles were very successful and
now my editor is interested in knowing
how you found Phil Harris Phil Harris
Stein
well well okay now walk along with me
mr. Kearns and I'll give you the whole
story
alright you see it was ten years ago
that I first met Phil Harris I remember
the day well because it was Mary's
birthday and I wanted to show her a nice
time so I had all dressed up went over
to her house and let her make dinner for
me the meal was delicious
I remember we had thick sirloin steak
smothered and onions and stripped with
bacon yes sir that was ten years
- married is a terrific meal thank you
jack
see the steak is so tender and so easy
to cut it just melts in your mouth
Jack put on your glasses you're reading
the butter well anyway married was sweet
of you to invite me over to your
apartment for dinner and waited you see
the bottle of champagne I brought you
for a birthday present no you've heard
of those famous imported champagnes like
vintage premier and Chateau Kelly yes
well this is a new brand seven
you know man
I was just thinking here it is 1935 and
it's been three years since I put you on
my radio program yeah what would you do
if I gave you a little raise I quit my
job at the made company don't worry Mary
you just stick with me and another two
or three years you won't have to work at
the make company except maybe Saturday
let's do something well I was going to
forget something let's go sit on the
sofa ha ha and will juggle up close to
each other
uh-huh and turn the lights down low
uh-huh then we'll tell ghost stories
how about it well mama warned me about
everything but this
what Jack why don't we go out somewhere
let's go to that Coconut Grove
well maybe hey wait a minute Mary I've
got an idea
there's a nightclub way downtown on
North Figueroa Street and there's a
little band playing there let's see
what's the name of that band again oh
yes
Phil Harris and it's syncopated Sara
Nader's from the solid south I've never
heard of him well he's just coming up
and I'd like to go here I'm married oh
you know I need a new orchestra for my
program all right let's go okay now
let's see where's that nightclub now oh
yes I'm Figaro about six miles east of
the La Brea tar pit
come on Mary
derrida's Mary this is the place
Holy Smoke what a nice Club this is an
awful joint
well Mary you can't tell anything about
it from the outside yeah but look at the
name of it the Ruis Club
oh ah Brewis spelled backwards is sore
all right what's the difference yeah
okay let's go down watch your step
that's dress FICO Donnelly father I'll
get the bend
I think we hit bottom Jack here's the
door oh yeah
well that guy Harris knows all the new
tools doesn't people dance on that bare
ground
they probably sprinkled water on it to
make it slippery and help keep the dust
on - you know let's find a table maybe
that man will get us one oh yes pardon
me are you a waiter Oh what do you think
I am with this napkin over my arm a
clothesline oh I'm sorry but you're
dressed too nice to be working in a
joint like this oh you mean these
striped pants in this Prince Albert coat
but you see I wear these clothes on my
other job other job yes I'm an
Undertaker's assistant ah it was my idea
to put the candles on the table
hmm and now would you like me to find a
table and lay you out
I mean seat you yes come on Mary
here we are how what would you like to
eat
oh nothing thanks we just came in to
hear the band you might as well order
something there's a minimum charge of 35
cents 35 cents well I'll have a chicken
sandwich and a combination salad potato
anything to drink
no you might as well you got 15 cents to
go
well bring us coffee
imagine that waiter an Undertaker's
assistant Jack look the show is about to
start
good I'm anxious to hear this guy Phil
Harris hiya folks an a good good evening
to each and every one of you welcome to
our little Club this is your orchestra
leader and master of the ceremonies the
one and only Phil Harris are you glad to
see me
yes sir thank you thank you and we have
a very lovely crowd here tonight hey
Mary he's got a nice personality we'll
see and speaking of crowd bokes the
funny thing happened to me on the way to
the club tonight panhandler stopped in
said pardon me mister can you let me
have a thousand dollars and five cents
for a cup of coffee so I said to him I
said look coffee only costs a nickel
what do you do what do you want a
thousand bucks for so he says to me well
I gotta pay my income tax alright no
lady don't explain it to if you don't
get it just let him suffer let him lay
hey Mary Mary did you get it I got it
all over me embalm yeah
quiet quiet get this folks a guy walked
up to me today and said hey Harris
where'd you get the black guy so I told
him it was a birthmark and he said a
birthmark and I said yeah I got in the
wrong
now we're rolling on a marriage marry
this guy is terrific no he'd be great on
the radio he's got something new
something different oh you say that
every time you see a man with hair oh
you just don't know clam powerful high
spot of the show I'm gonna sing a song I
wrote myself and titles that's what I
like about the south
come with me to Alabama let's go see my
dear Oh mammy she's frying eggs and
brawlin happy that's what I like about
it style
hey now there you can't make no mistake
e where those are and never shakey off
the taster lay at a key that's what I
like about I got a higher she's got big
rips and candied yams Oh sugar George in
your hams way down south and Alabama and
that's what I like about our cornbread
and black-eyed peas you can eat as much
as you please
copy snaps fingers don't take one have
to they're dark brown and chocolate to
suits me they must suit you for that's
what I
in the cloud well folks that concludes
our first floor show but don't go away
there will be another sensational show
in five minutes
Mary Mary I don't care what you say that
guy Harris would be great on my program
I want to get them over here hey waiter
waiter please bring the
when will you please bring the orchestra
leader over to my table I'm sorry he
doesn't come with the 35
never mind the wisecracks bring them
over here all right all right
marry this guy Harris has a great
imagine relate Ole Miss give me a pack
of cigarettes please yes sir what kind
oh by the way miss what's that you've
got on your tray they're tied up in pink
ribbon
thanks a lot mr. Harrison pair 20 fans
well I don't want it and we don't share
them again
no no Bank just saying hey Mary she's
kind of cute
oh you fall wait here comes still hair
Sumeria I want to make an impression on
him and I want you to help me sign up
for my show tell him what a good boss I
am and how swell it is to work on the
radio and bubble above all what a
wonderful guy I am personally here he
comes
hey I understand you characters want to
see me yes yes miss Livingston is sweet
and my name is Jack Benny look but I
ain't got much time what do you want to
see me about I wanted to talk to you
about a job job yeah well look fellow I
know things are tough but I can't use
your ID no no I don't mean that you see
I have a radio program and I'd like you
and your band to be on my show Mary
you're overdoing my hand now mr. Harris
uh just call me curly Oh Phillip first
of the month
oh yes the cigarette girl told me now
mr. Harris radio is a different type of
work you read music of course huh music
no serration what's that on your music
rag termites the joist lousy with them
Oh Harris how could you be so young and
bright when it's so dark down here
see marry this guy is terrific
look I'm only kidding I've been studying
music since I was a baby why when I was
six years old my parents used to take me
to the concerts at Carnegie Hall
six-year-old kid interest in Carnegie
Hall they told me it was a burlesque
show a burlesque show yeah how are you
so whistle when they took the cover over
the bass fiddle
hey Mary this guy's got a terrific sense
of humor he'll probably be able to write
my gags for me I'll saddle if you can
just write I look Harris I watch on my
program so if you'll meet me Sunday
morning wait excuse me a minute the
second floor shows about to start and I
gotta introduce the singer oh wait
you're through oh yeah she's cute now
folks I want to introduce our singer the
sweetest little lady this side of FISMA
Beach miss Trixie Laverne who will sing
my Helen Polly baby
Wow
on your
I can't you hear me calling when the
rain had Emma Paul why every days the
Sun is shinin why should I be home apart
gosh scott mhairi I'm a sucker for
sentimental song hey Harris
Harris come here a minute yeah say that
girl singer you've got isn't bad that
Trixie Laverne well look that's just her
stage name her real name is Gladys
nabisco Gladys abisco hey hey that's a
pretty name too
you know I kind of like that babe come
on let's get out of here why very you're
jealous I'll be there he called me Jack
said no one ever called me that before
alright here's a brand new number I
wrote myself called
that's what I like come with me to
Alabama let's go see my dear old mammy
chief Bryan eh
and that and that mr. Kurt is how I met
Phil Harris well that really is a story
and I'm not saying that the curve that
Phil has been very fortunate and being
associated with a great star like myself
a man who has been on the radio for so
many years you know every year almost
wins
this is the Armed Forces Radio Show