horses of santa barbara's redistribution
station the Lucky Strike program
starring Jack Benny fasten your safety
belt fasten down your hitch and keep out
of rain because here we come
Thank You angle oh yeah mr. Jack Benny
taught me and Don that was a very
unusual introduction but during the last
war when I was on a ship I will it
wasn't batten down the hatch
it was batten down the hutch batten down
the hutch
yeah things were so quiet our Admiral
was raising rabbit
that's the first egg you watch it anyway
done if we're all being up here at the
Santa Barbara redistribution station as
they thought thirdly is Jack you know do
you know what an army redistribution
station is don't you oh of course Don of
course that's where they bring the boys
to kind of feel them out to see if
they'd like to beat civilians again
and on yesterday one fella here
volunteered to be a civilian and this
morning he begged to be back in uniform
find out that a blue Serge suit picks up
everything but girl anyway down wait a
minute jack you've got the whole thing
wrong a redistribution station is where
they send the boys to be reassigned for
further duty oh oh gee how can a big
star like me who almost won the Academy
Award be so stupid anyway Donna come in
let the Benny yeah the boys stationed
here at Santa Barbara have asked me to
present you with this delayed action
bomb
the delayed-action bomb why give it to
me we've delayed it long enough
the fine way for the army to treat me
just because I used to be in the Navy ah
they were only kidding Jack in fact you
wouldn't had a room last night if the
army had control of the Biltmore Hotel
here you told me yourself you had a nice
room
oh the room was alright but all night
long a sentry with a rifle over his
shoulder kept walking up and down
outside my door they wanted me to pay in
advance why didn't they
you know anyway another thing I don't
like the idea of having those soldiers
act as bellboy the first time ever walk
into a hotel register and was carried up
to my room on the end of a band I felt
like a pin cushion and I ain't got much
cushion believe me the next one hey
fellas you can laugh and relax because
horses here with them dynamite crack
[Applause]
Oh fine dynamite cracks well if you're
such an ad-lib comedian why didn't you
get here at the start of the show well I
would have Jackson but I was outside
talking to a soldier about his post-war
plan his post-war plan yeah so I asked
him if she had a friend for me
oh he'll accuse non-commissioned joyboy
dynamite crack there those are the kind
of jokes it would make fred allen go out
and borrow some blood so he can blush
and you know what you're talking about
Jax and I got power while I'm the main
attraction at my new nightclub oh yes
Bella meant to ask you how's that new
business venture of yours coming along
yeah how is that joint look Jackson
don't call my nightclub a joint I got a
pretty classy layout there you know we
got beautiful oil paintings on the wall
we got drapes on the window and soft
lights on the ceiling what do you got on
the floor hair it used to be a barber
shop a barber shop yes as a matter of
fact the barbers lease isn't up yet so
we're both operating in the same room
what while I'm clipping them on one end
he's clipping them on the other
that's the most ridiculous thing I ever
heard of oh yes the guy came in for a
once-over likely in the barber steamed
he's faced with my bar towels with your
bar [ __ ] that's the first time I ever
saw a guy stagger home from a shave well
what our slogan Jackson's shave and a
hangover too bit well I know how you get
mixed up with all
hey boys Mary Mary just stand there
Kia look beautiful so one of the fashion
Academy votes you the best-dressed woman
and radio what a lovely outfit you're
wearing what material what line what
style what are those things hanging
around your neck my shoes my feet hurt
oh well I don't blame you sometimes I
feel like doing the same thing but my
shoes never match my shoes what's no
Mary my mother sent you her regards oh
did you call her no it's not a letter
from her Oh another letter from your
mother well what does your father's top
sergeant have to say
it is my darling daughter Mary it would
have answered your letters sooner but
soften I've been very busy on the farm
with our spring planting
we just finished a few days ago and
already the field is full of corn and by
the way how is jack
I I don't get the connection
anyway we are enjoying this beautiful
spring weather and I guess it has
affected pom but because yesterday he
whistled at a girl well good for Papa I
think he overdid it because we spent the
next three hours looking for his teeth
what enthusiasts fast these days in the
dashboard seems to be in an awful hurry
last week your cousin Bobby went down to
take his physical and today he just
returned from New Guinea on a furlough
and oh yes Mary I have some exciting
news for you
laughter they are whole gang went out
for a drive and your sister babe and the
boy she's engaged who are rotting in the
rumble seat we hit up up from the rumble
seat back shot my goodness we went
through all right and we couldn't get it
open so we call the minister and he
married him through the keyhole
can you imagine where your cousin Bobby
flew right there I'm through it strong
oh boy what a family no oh my god mama
that's very cute what's that PS Mary Oh
Jack you wouldn't be interested I would
to let me read it here I read in the
papers Mary that you won the title of
the best-dressed woman on radio how
could you possibly do it on what Jack
hey you
your mother hates me because I own the
mortgage on her part where's Larry I
want to go ahead mr. Benny Oh
[Applause]
Oh Oh get it's about time now to do her
song okay but before I do mr. Benny I
want to give you a little tip yeah what
is it you ought to go to mr. Harris's
nightclub Wow
what fun Larry you went to phil harris's
nightclub sure and boy was I did be when
I left dizzy there you didn't give this
kid any child get excited section we
just spun him around in the barber
chairs anymore I'll go ahead and sing
[Music]
song by larry stevens and now Jackson
I've been meaning to ask you what's the
thing you've been holding in your hand
all this time this oh nothing it's just
a delayed action bomb the boys here
presented me with it the boys here gave
you a bomb yes they voted Jeff the
comedian most likely to go places ha ha
very funny
come in yeah there's a man out in the
hall he wants to see you his name is
Alan Alan
Jericho I didn't know Fred Allen was in
town neither did I he just wants to get
in here so he can Laos on my program
Oh Jackson uh Fred Allen is outside why
don't you let him in the boys heared
like to see him well I don't blame him
but those bags under his eyes he looks
like he's wearing a fatigue skin look
but go tell that guy all to get going
I'll punch him in the nose oh I wouldn't
want to do that
well sentiment I'll punch him in the
nose myself then a man will okay you can
come in there
okay Alan you asked for it so hey wait a
minute you're not Fred Allen no I'm Alan
Ladd Alan Ladd
well well well Alan Ladd the guy in
pictures that's supposed to be so tough
what do you mean supposed to be oh that
Jackson punch him in the nose like you
said you would
no no no he's shorter than I am you know
tell her that stuff yeah well it's just
so hard to be foolish to pass back oh
yeah
now wait a minute ruff guys what do you
think you're talking to huh oh yeah I
think you're talking to Jack penny he
everybody knows me and I'm so popular
yeah yeah just as I thought Benny you're
a coward
oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah
[Applause]
oh yeah yeah ladies and gentlemen you've
just been listening to ten thousand
dollars worth of talent
nevermind marry al Hanlon you know Alan
you think you're pretty quick on the
trigger don't you yeah oh yeah yeah hold
on to your hats kids here we go again
wait a minute Phil I want to settle this
thing right now look here Alan nobody
sent for you you bought it in here
started this whole thing
what's the idea be calling me a coward
because joy Yello
that's a liver condition
anyway would you come in here for you
play cop guys in the movies and this is
a comedy program oh yeah
Jack I'm only kidding I happen to be in
town so I thought I'd drop over and say
hello oh oh you were kidding no well I'm
glad now I didn't hit you now ladies and
gentlemen another sketch tonight I will
once again play the part of that famous
fearless crime busting master detective
cash no Bennet there you'll be my
assistant mr. Paris and Mary yes
you'll be the wife of the murdered man
to be dead yet not yet but he's at the
seven seas getting a little stiff
now let's see who can be the murder hey
I got an idea
Alan Ladd hey Alan the murder I've got a
great card for you well Bonnie I'm doing
Jack I'm kind of tired I I just finished
making a picture paramedics all saw the
O'Rourke soon be relisted all the
neighborhood theaters men and after you
know four and a half pride and you can
best enjoy this picture by sitting in
the balcony smoking a Lucky Strike
cigarettes Don let him alone he's
talking about my picture Oh anyone rave
about this picture while smoking a Lucky
Strike because Lucky Strike means fine
tobacco so round so firm so fully packed
ah whatever Lord is talking about my
picture oh so free and easy on the draw
Thank You Don
you're welcome Alan
imagine coming here just a progress
picture now let's get back to our sketch
and look Alan I'm still willing you to
give you the part of the murderer if you
can handle it
what do you mean s well the murder and
this sketch has got to be a pretty tough
dying I don't know whether you're the
right guy for us yeah you kidding they
tell you that stuff I am couple of days
ago I woke up the Humphrey Bogart
grabbed me by the collar and said listen
foggy Hollywood ain't big enough for
both of us see what happened well here I
am in Santa Barbara
what's that you've got in your hand
Bogart's tied me so faster didn't have
time to let go
well don't worry about it he must have
other high anyway Alan I'm sure you'll
be all right for the part and we'll do
this sketch right after Phil Harris
plays there's a bone I'll take it
Roger I thought you were gonna be here
at noon I wouldn't but I had some wood
what does it matter couldn't you sort it
[Applause]
Rochester don't tell me you had another
accident Oh for heaven's sake is my car
damaged much I don't know but if the
post-war car has the engine in the rear
[Applause]
Oh Rochester this is terrible what did
you hit watch after the First National
Bank is unburden me
you mean you ran into a building how the
world could you do that I was driving
down Main Street not stepped on the gas
to make a life did you have a green
light no don't tell me the light was red
[Applause]
you mean you mean as you went across the
light change oh my goodness my car now
that's awful my car must be smashed to
pieces and after what I paid for it oh
yes yes I'm sorry I what so far but how
are you Rochester now where are you
calling from Nepal good what was
surprising about that
I'll call you when I get home goodbye
[Music]
as I'm beginning to see the life played
by Phil Harris who just opened his eyes
and now ladies and gentlemen for the
first time on the air we will present
our blood-curdling drama filled with
mystery murder and suspense entitled the
woman in the window or it's a good thing
the Venetian was blind
[Applause]
don't hunch that one brother as I've
seen opens I - no Betty and my assistant
officer Oh Harris are prowling around
Santa Barbara in a police car
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
quiet night isn't all hair sure is
captain there's not a soul on the street
you have at them in complaints for the
people of this town aren't obeying the
new midnight curfew they're not now
they're acting gets the same as they
always did still going to bed at 9
o'clock
you know
[Applause]
I know that place captain let's get goin
okay hasti on daddy lost Caballero Don
Juan Ranchero amigo cafe what does that
mean that Spanish forgets the rum out of
your coca-cola fellas here comes the MP
oh come on let's go okay Mon capitaine
that's the place captain are you tan
guard here I'll go inside how do you do
I'm captain Oh Benny and I'm here to
investigate a murder well come on in big
boy what took you so long
come on in baby I'll shut the door and
we'll be cozy
okay be careful captain it may be a trap
this is this is a trap just call me boo
be trembling there to kill that for me
I'll keep your eyes open for clues now
young lady I've got some questions for
you oh yeah hey what's your name just
call me cookie
never found anything like this in
grandma's cookie jar
I'll tell me what happened Maggie some
lowdown dirty sneak climb in the window
and shot him in the back now wait a
minute how can a man reach such a high
window I gave him a booth I know he
couldn't do it himself I didn't solve
this case I could only find a man who
came through the window you don't have
to look any further cover top of your
head what you pick up your hands is this
a robbery no I just want to see if you
use Jergens lotion
oh yeah Joey I'll put away that gun now
I have a lot of fun with this gun
look Australia are you cooking come over
here give me a kiss me
no I'd make cookie come over here and
kiss me I'll shoot okay what do you need
a gun for handsome not bad huh bad why
your kisses are like champagne like
caviar like silly minyak champagne
caviar filet mignon if you think that's
something baby I'll throw your real kiss
here how was that one meatball
and that's all well listen sister I used
to be the best hey I got it now you two
are partners in this crime you wanted
your husband murder to get the famous
man dews and pearls what's that you're
wearing around your neck my shoes my
feet hurt
oh yes I forgot anyway I'll run you in
wait a minute blue eyes your talker I
like that and I'll punch you right in
the nose oh yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah
yeah ladies and gentlemen you are
listening to a transcription of an
earlier broadcast watch and I wasn't
good the first time come on you two I'm
taking both here to jail I know you
missed me twice
now come on let's go hey captain I heard
gunshots I heard gunshot yes and here's
the guy with the gun hmm how do you like
that I ran in the wrong direction
Harris we're gonna drag this guy in wait
a minute wait a minute captain
don't lock the door lock me up please
give me another chance I'll never do it
again I swear boss I'll go straight to
Darwin
I'll tell you I'm not really mad I am
NOT a don't hit me don't hit me put on
that red speed blackjack what give me a
break give me a break captain will do
anything you say
anything anything why this performace
doesn't win next year's Academy Award
I'm quick whole step come on Mary put on
your shoes and let's go